action



	Hello reader, this was done over a three day period (16th - 19th April 1999). That’s my excuse anyway. It hasn’t really got a title but I call it ‘Unrealistic Hollywood tripe’. Try not to take the piss out of me too much. FIRST SCENE - NEW YORK CITY - EXTERIOR - DAY A taxi driver goes around the streets of New York. He is a black dude. FAT AMERICAN gets in the car and the suspension breaks. TAXIMAN Boy. Where you goin’? FAT AMERICAN Take me to the nearest food. Goddamn it! (not inspired by South Park in any way) TAXIMAN Hey boy! You wanna fucking go there you get there yourself man. I aint no slave to no white pigs, you goddamn racist motherfucker!....oh yeah it’s my job. ` FAT Take me to food else I’ll punk your sorry ass till it’s up with the angels, boy. TAXI I’m a Hebrew. FAT (slightly taken aback) Just drive and pass me a doughnut. FAT AMERICAN leans over to get a doughnut from the box that is perched on his lap. He’s unable to reach it due to the mass of fat surrounding his stomach. PENTAGON - INTERIOR - DAY Decorated army men circulate. some sit at a table. NIMPH walks in through a security door and a red light appears. NIMPH Boys, we have a grade three bogie. (picks nose) Ah that’s better. Mike pass me a doughnut. We’ll just do our jobs.;... wait around for the next lunatic to threaten the world. NIMPH sits down and watches TV, his bulging belly forcing down the top of his trousers. In the background a giant screen flickers on. Up appears LUNATIC. NIMPH My Lord...I thought you were... LUNATIC I’m not dead and it’s no thanks to you, you sorry son of a bitch. I’m back and this time it’s personal. Yes...it’s me, your ex-partner, childhood friend, teenage nemesis, we fought those rebels in the Vietnam jungle. I looked up to you, man colleague on the Chicago bomb squad and I think I did your paperround once or twice. SNIVELLING COLLEGE BOY Who’s that? He seems to know him. MR GREEN My God. That bitch was with us for 25 years. Our best man. Killed a bear with his own bad breath. In ‘nam (Vietnam) he saved the platoon and my life and some dog called Jamesy. He’s was best, then he got overweight and became quite good so long as he didn’t have to move about or get up. Then he did some weight training and toned up his mussels a bit so he became a bit better, but he never fully regained his athletic physique. LUNATIC Here’s the predictable, unimaginative plot that’t been used in every dumb action film since the genre was invented. I’ve got some nuclear missiles, you really shouldn’t leave them lying around. There’s a bunch of hostages too, it seems like there always - are. The only important one is Mandy. NIMPH Uh.... LUNATIC Your daughter Mandy. NIMPH Oh yes she’s...mine but in the name of God, your disputes with me. It’s me who led you in Vietnam and you’re the one that got captured. Don’t go getting my family involved. No...take my wife actually..she’s heavily insured LUNATIC (eating sandwiches)_ There’s a bomb connected to a dam. If there’s no payment then it’s dam blowin’ time, boys. The rest of the hostages and little Mandy will die and there’ll be a nuclear fallout too, just to make it more unrealistic and so they’ll be more special effects. Around the control room people nod as if this is typical. LUNATIC You have two hours to deliver $20000000000000000000000 to my bank or give me the biggest I O U in history. So long as you pay, I don’t care. You could pay it in monthly instalments if you please, there’s an introductory offer of an alarm clock that’s bullet proof so long as you don’t shoot at it and a free set of golf clubs. But once you’ve signed up after the first month I start to rip you off and there’s $20000000000000000000 interest per month and no refund if the golf clubs break. NIMPH Those are fighting words. I’ll prove what I should’ve proved all those years ago. LUNATIC What you gonna do...old man? Run over me on your wheelchair? You have two hours. SNIVELLING COLLEGE BOY Today’s the day the clocks go back. LUNATIC OK..one hour. NARRATION With one hour to go before the ridiculous but somewhat familiar situation was to come to a head. It’s a conspiracy formulated by the government to keep special effects companies in business everywhere. They needed one man, strong and true. Interviews were heard from all corners of the Pentagon (5). They wished they’d made it Octagonal so they’d be 8 people applying for the position. Eventually Ian McShuffle was selected, although James Bond had a pretty good CV. Van Damme was right out. IAN McSHUFFLE approaches NIMPH. NIMPH We need you. You and your sorry ass are gonna save my little girl, who’s due to get married this week, on the eve of her 20th birthday, moments before she was going to fulfil the American dream and open a thriving fashion boutique on the eve of Auntie maggies birthday. Maggie, they are so close. McSHUFFLE yawns as it’s patriotic speech time, the emotional music builds up. NIMPH Can you feel the blood curdling call threatening the statue of liberty? Liberty - what does that statue mean? It symbolises the hope of all things American . Without it we’re nothing. If this lunatic gets his way a tide of evil will engulf America. Swallow the greatest country ever and all Liberty with it. America will be no more. Mr GREEN starts to cry as he stands to attention under the American flag. McSHUFFLE I don’t give a shit, I’m British. NIMPH (taken aback) Er....Well then, you’re confined to a small stereotypical role in this film. If I can’t save my little girl there’s only one man who might have a chance.... NEW YORK police department. FARTARSE is a typical hero. Well built and macho. Outside the Chief’s office several people queue. FARTARSE pushes past them. COLLEGE BOY stops him, barring the door. COLLEGE BOY You can’t go in - he’s in a meeting. FARTARSE throws COLLEGE BOY out of the window. He lands in a swimming pool. FARTARSE pauses for a moment. FARTARSE What’s a swimming pool doing outside a police station? He takes another look outside. Now there’s a splattered corpse on the floor. FARTARSE It figures. OFFICE - INTERIOR - DAY Business is being conducted by CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS and 2 insignificant PEOPLE. CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS Hey! man what the hell you doin’? FARTARSE overturns CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS’s desk. CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS apologises briefly to the PEOPLE. FARTARSE grabs CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS by the collar and smashes him against the wall. FARTARSE Give me a job Chief. I haven’t shot someone in three hours. CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS Now...now the medics told you to take it easy. FARTARSE (produces gun and points it at CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS) That’s who I shot. CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS Did they make themselves better or are they out of a job?Let’s...come to some agreement but get that barrel out my face. FARTARSE shoves the gun near CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS bottom. FARTARSE Gimme a case Chief (less aggressively) I could do with the overtime....them baby sitters are expensive. A break from the dialogue as one of the PEOPLE shys away. The phone rings. PERSON picks it up and gingerly hands it to CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS. After a moment he gives it to FARTARSE. CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS Looks like you don’t need a baby sitter.....and you’ve got a case. FARTARSE picks up the phone. We hear the sound from the other end of the line. NIMPH’s voice Hello, it’s me... your ageing commander who’s gone upstairs. Remember old Tom...he’s running a deal and he’s gone to the other side....you know the bad guys. He’s got a load of nuclear weapons and he’s holding my little girl to ransom....and umpteen other people. FARTARSE accidentally shoots the Chief who falls on the floor. FARTARSE Sorry Chief. My God! Little Mandy but she was a daughter to me. NIMPH So you’re the father...you wife grabbing shit...but none of this matters. We need to save her and fight the custody battles later. She’s being held in a dam that will be blown up if we don’t give into the demands. He’s got hold of some nuclear weapons so it could pollute the lake and...oh...you know. FARTARSE This is personal. He took the piss out of my name in Vietnam. NIMPH We’re relying on you, Mr Fartarse. FARTARSE (He starts to take off his jacket) I’m coming for you my baby! FARTARSE storms out of the office. The CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADs crawls to the overturned desk. CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADs Man...he’s such a twat. CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS falls backwards on the floor. Exhausted and shattered. Lunatics Hideout - INTERIOR - DAY LUNATIC laughs incoherently for a moment or two. I’m calling him LOON from now on. Is that alright? (I’ll retype it if you want) LOON Ha hA ha ha ha! LUNATIC eats a hot-dog. He presses the button on the table. In enter two goons, GOLDSMITH and BECK. LOON You boys ready to betray your country, be outcasts of what you were let to believe and basically be killed near the end of the film? GOONs Yeah alright. LOON You better be the best mother fucking ex-marines in the history of shit-hot macho American wankers. GOLDSMITH Just so long as I get my half million (points gun at LOON) else it’s ass busting time. And by that I mean mine.....er yours. BECK I don’t need no fucking green. This is personal. He took the piss out of me in ‘namm when I wet myself. LOON looks rather uncertain about the choice of his GOONs for a moment or two. Then he holds up a CD. LOON This is what it’s all about boys. This CD has the codes to the nukes that are gonna get us our dough. Every mother fucking shit hot government..er asshole will be looking for it all over America. Every shed, ladies toilet and doughnut parlour. They might even look in CD stores across the goddamn motherland. You were a boy when you were born, one day you became a man, you probably won’t ever be superman but we need you not to wimp out on us so get a penis extension to be more of a man. GOLDSMITH I was born a girl. LOON (interested) really? No...you have such a rugged exterior. I thought....(suddenly back in character) This CD can buy us a place in Hawaii. (emotionally to BECK) This can buy Timmy the education he deserves. BECK I shot him. LOON Well..you can afford a nice funeral then. And you boys best wise up else it’ll be your casket in the ground because of this CD every badass prick will be after us boys. What’s that smell? BECK looks guilty as the room fills up with steam. LOON turns to the camera. LOON I’m waiting for you, Fartarse. POLICE CARPARK - FARTARSE goes up to a rusty old Mustang or something. REPAIR MAN is working under the bonnet. FARTARSE pulls him out and he hilariously hits his head on the underside of the car. FARTARSE Is she ready yet? REPAIR MAN There is no way in hell you can drive....this heap of... FARTARSE Me and Daisy go back a long way. The Hotmail case in 74. Remember that. I saved your sorry ass that day. She’s my partner I’ve not done a job without her. REPAIRMAN Man, you’d best get a more reliable partner. The shocks on this thing..... FARTARSE grabs the keys from REPAIR MANS hand and pushes him down the ramp into loads of pillows. How funny, they just happen to be there. STREET FARTARSE has his head stuck in the steaming bonnet of ‘Daisy’ at the side of the crowded street. He puts the bonnet down and decides to start commandeering Taxi’s. He stands in the middle of the road, his badge held aloft. He gets ran over by several cabs and magically manages to end up back on his feet, apart from the last time when the TAXI veers off the road and causes him to land in a pile of rubbish. FARTARSE Conveniently placed rubbish. How convenient. TAXI MAN leans out of his window. TAXIMAN Hey man, what’s your problem? Can’t a mother drive a car in his own home town? I’m making an honest living and you can’t take it, you racist white shit. By the time he’s spooled off this racist chant FARTARSE has caught up with the taxi and opened the back door. He tries to remove MR FAT AMERICAN from the back seat, but after repeatedly trying to remove the obese man he finally gives up. FARTARSE Oh, you can come with us. FARTARSE manages to squeeze in the back of the cab. Soon they drive off. TAXIMAN continues complaining as they bash their way through new York. Cut to inside the cab. TAXIMAN Where you goin’, you all? A shot of the back seat which is mainly filled with FAT AMERICAN. FARTARSE Take us to the dam. America needs us. America and a little girl...and umpteen other hostages. All three of them start to hum the American national anthem. At first tentatively but latterly in a full blown operatic style. TAXIMAN laughs. TAXIMAN Yeah...we crazy motherfuckers. PENTAGON SNIVELLING COLLEGE BOY I’ve been doing some thinking...er...why do we always rely on just the one dude to kill all our enemies everytime a situation like this crops up? Sure.... he usually gets a helping hand from some normal dude turned hero but....why not just send in lots of policemen. MR GREEN and NIMPH look at each other. NIMPH Never thought of that SNIVELLING COLLEGE BOY Surely it would be more logical to just send more people in........why did he have to catch a taxi? And why...does the bad guy just happen to be someone you all know? MR GREEN Sock it calculus nerd. It’s always been like that. STREETS The Taxi screeches around several bends. FAT AMERICAN drops his doughnuts on the floor and roll to the left by FARTARSES feet. FAT AMERICAN leans over and tries to get them. Cut to an exterior shot of the taxi madly going on two wheels. It eventually goes back on all fours and scrapes another car. TAXIMAN (suddenly enjoying the experience of nearly dying) I hope he got insurance! Typically in the ensuing scenes the taxi hit a fire hydrant and a lorry carrying loads of water and a hot-dog stall. TAXIMAN Guess that’s what you call a drive thru. They bash more things in. They run over a stop sign. TAXIMAN There aint nothin’ stoppin’ us now, baby! They hit a wall. Miraculously they all survive. FAT AMERICAN drops the doughnut he’s just managed to pick up and swears. TAXIMAN That’s the end of your girl then. If only I’d spend more concentration on the road rather than making smart quips. FARTARSE gets out of the car...his T-shirt now slightly stained after his recent ordeal. In the next shot he holds up a pickup truck, pointing his gun at the driver and standing in the middle of the road. He gets ran over and miraculously ends up on his feet. Then he’s approached by a massively high truck, again he gets ran over, flipped up and lands on his feet. Then a glimmering black sportscar runs towards him. The same procedure only this time the car bangs into the back of the taxi after running him over. So it’s completely different in many ways. FARTARSE flies into a pile of well placed trampolines. He approaches the car, holding his gun out. FARTARSE Police. I’m taking your automobile. YOUTH It’s alright, it’s stolen. TWO YOUTHS run out from the car and into the distance. TAXIMAN looks up from the wreckage of his car. TAXIMAN Man...you are the Man! The gleaming if very slightly dented sports car drives off around the city. TAXIMAN still drives. TAXIMAN So...what’s the big deal, bud? FUCKARSE Some bimbo’s taking the government for a ride. He’s got my girl. TAXIMAN Whoa! Whoa! I aint no’ time for this shit, man. I just drive. In the back of the sports car FAT AMERICAN starts to eat some doughnuts. No one’s sure how he got there but an exterior shot shows the weight of the chap is pushing the back of the car down so much that it lets off sparks as they drive along. PENTAGON NIMPH talks to the LUNATIC NIMPH C’mon! Just give me a few extra minutes..... I’m telling you there’s trouble with the bank. LUNATIC How old do you think I am? I’m smarter than you, I always have been. Since back in ‘69 when we took that place in Naam (Vietnam). You’re just trying to buy time. NIMPH OK, how much to I get for 36p? LUNATIC Half an hour. NIMPH It’s a deal. NIMPH walks up to the videoscreen. LUNATIC puts his hand around the side and they shake on it. OPEN ROAD - DAYTIME - The sports car draws up at the roadside cafe. FARTARSE Get some coffee. I need to make a call. PENTAGON MR GREEN sits around in despair and a chair. NIMPH tries to negotiate with LUNATIC. NIMPH I’ll take the golf clubs...but we’ve already got an alarm clock. Give us some more time.... The phone rings. MR GREEN picks it up. MR GREEN My God, it’s fartarse. All our prayers have been answered....except the one about Sandra Bullock’s bra. Groans from the extras in the control room. NIMPH I don’t care if you’re gonna blow up the world, I’m not having another one of those alarm clocks. LUNATIC Have another alarm clock and I’ll let it rest for another couple of minutes. NIMPH Shut up! We’ve got a hero. We don’t need more time . FARTARSE I need some stuff. MR GREEN We’ve bought us some more time. But we’re not buying all them alarm clocks. LUNATICS hideout. He’s sitting in a room full of alarm clocks. LUNATIC Damn. What am I gonna do with them? ROADSIDE DINER. in the forecourt FARTARSE is on the phone. FARTARSE See you in one hour. Primrose hill. In the background a man runs off with some womanise bag. FARTARSE runs after the person who’s stole it. This was gonna turn into a joke but I can’t be arsed. We see it from inside the Diner where TAXIMAN drinks coffee. FAT AMERICAN sits down, stuffs another doughnut into his frame and falls on the floor. FARTARSE burst into the diner. FARTARSE I’ll drive. Leave fatty here. EXTERIOR OF DINER. TAXIMAN gets in the car in the passengers side. FARTARSE takes the wheel and drives away. In the back FAT AMERICAN gets up from behind the seats, eating. FARTARSE and TAXI look a little confused for a moment or two. There follows a really predictable set of stunts that I can’t be arsed to devise. They end up at Primrose Hill. They enter a carpark where MR GREEN is waiting against a black van. A dissolve and MR FARTARSE is getting wired up by MR GREEN. Loads of guns and weapons appear. FARTARSE My God, I’d hoped I’d never have to confront this chap since the very first day we joined the FBI. The son of a bitch could pass his exams without trying’. He was hot, and sweaty. MR GREEN You know what you’ve got to do to get your girl back. FARTARSE I know, but I’ll repeat it just to make sure everyone in the audience knows too. I’ve gotto go undercover as a homosexual, flounce around, force him into bed then make love until he dies. MR GREEN Er...you could use your weapons training to get the CD and disable all the nuclear warheads and single handily save the world....(under breath) well America. FARTARSE So I don’t have to pretend to be a homosexual. TAXIMAN My God, you shit, who’s gonna fall for a disguise like that? FARTARSE (referring to MR GREEN) He did. An uneasy silence falls around the place. MR GREEN You got one and a half hours you crazy son of a bitch. You need all the help you can get. Take the seals. Out of the black van pile loads of military men in black uniforms. They are heavily armed and shuffle around, squawking and flapping their hands together. FARTARSE leads them off. TAXIMAN Man...I’m outta here! TAXIMAN walks away into the treeline. FARTARSE and the shuffling seals traipse off in the other direction. MR GREEN There goes the damn finest Homosexual impersonator I ever had......er met. WOODLAND - EXTERIOR - DAY We follow the procession through woodland and various other settings. They look an odd bunch, FARTARSE leading, bold and strong then there’s a rabble of seals shuffling along. They look down to the waters edge and then we see a dam in the distance. A harpoon crack from the woodland, one of the seals falls over and a Japanese person drags his carcass off. The reas to the seals stagger off screaming as the attack continues. FARTARSE fires two shots into the brush and two people with harpoons fall out of the trees. The harpooning continues FARTARSE continues to shoot the attackers as the conflict continues. In the end most of the seals are tragically going to be skinned for the Japanese market but we’ll let a couple survive for comedy value. FARTARSE What shall I do? Hang on (inspects skin colour)....I’m white yes...er (haling invisible Taxi) Taxi! A taxi comes through the jungle and parks beside FARTARSE. TAXIMAN leans out. TAXIMAN Oh...it’s you. FARTARSE gets in the back of the cab where FAT AMERICAN takes up quite a bit of room. A couple of seals get in too. The journey continues. FARTARSE Take me to the prettiest little girl I’ve ever seen. PENTAGON NIMPH is still discussing terms with the LUNATIC who’s surrounded by alarm clocks. NIMPH OK...don’t blow up the dam tonight and we’ll have the 4000 alarm clocks. LUNATIC (pondering) It leaves me open for a night time attack.....but these things are really bugging me. NIMPH 4 thousand and 50. LUNATIC Yes........OK. NIMPH gives the thumbs up. SNIVELLING COLLEGE BOY starts to phone. DAMSIDE - DUSK FARTARSE and TAXIMAN sit on the side of the bank. FARTARSE offers him a gun. FARTARSE Hey. Know how to shoot? TAXIMAN I aint never been near one of those things man and I aint gonna! FARTARSE You never killed a man? You’re not a real man unless you killed a man...unless you’re a dead man....who’s shot himself. TAXIMAN I’m a religious guy, me. Life is sweet. FARTARSE Blamonge is sweet, is it alive? TAXIMAN (after some thought) You’re a dick. FARTARSE I might need backup in there. I might not do it by my own. Do you want to meet your God too soon? Here’s the deal boy I’m gonna talk and you’re gonna listen. This is a......gun. Check that it’s loaded and never point it at yourself unless your a dead man who’s shot himself. TAXIMAN puts fingers in his ears and starts to scream. FARTARSE Hits him to get some kind of attention. FARTARSE Press your palms together, gently squeeze the trigger. Stay calm, keep your composure. TAXIMAN Man, I aint never gonna use that in the rest of this film. FARTARSE Sure...sure. There’s the dam. Cover me. I’m going in. FARTARSE thrown him the gun then heads off in the direction of the dam. We see him cut through the undergrowth followed by a couple of seals. He approaches the security fence, the wire spiralling up for 30 feet. He knocks on the door with a brass door knocker. A MEMBER OF GROUP FOUR opens the door and gets hit by FARTARSE. He tiptoes into the building and produces a pair of special goggles. We see from his point of view all the ultraviolet rays that are obviously tied into some kind of security system. PENTAGON NIMPH shows signs of tension. NIMPH C’mon Fartarse, you’re almost there. He realises he’s left the screen on which the lunatic talks through. NIMPH You didn’t hear that did you? LUNATIC No..no..no. Send in the Goons......pretend you didn’t hear that please. GOLDSMITH and BECK appear on the screen. LUNATIC Try not to get killed too quickly. Try and spin out the excitement. I’ll set the bomb rolling - it’ll go off in half an hour. See you on the helipad in 20 minutes. This thing still on? He grabs the remote and turns off the screen. NIMPH grabs a nearby radio. NIMPH We got half an hour, Fartarse. Half an hour before there’s explosions everywhere and all that crap. You’ve got to get in somehow. DAM - INTERIOR FARTARSE dramatically rolls under the beams and along the floor. Then the beams start to move around. FARTARSE just manages to avoid them, manoeuvring himself into several weird positions in which the beams stop. This happens several times and he stops in ludicrous positions such as being frozen in mid flight. Standing on one hand with his legs apart and stuff. Then they start to rotate again and he moves with them. This time when they stop he’s pressed against the wall a beam just above his groin. Opposite him he sees a picture of Liz Hurley a couple of years ago. He madly tries to keep himself from getting too excited but he looks down and sees his trousers rising. The tension mounts as he’s rising to the occasion. He closes his eyes and starts to talk to himself. FARTARSE Winston Churchill, Winston Churchill, think of Winston Churchill. Finally the situation is quelled, the beams revolve again and he moves along the wall. This time when they stop the beams are in a similar position except he’s standing on one hand. We see a shot from his point of view. In focuses an even nicer and more provocative bird. He quickly closes his eyes again. FARTARSE Maggie Thatcher, Maggie Thatcher . There’s no need for anymore of this as all his sexual energy has dispersed in one go. The beams revolve again and he manages to make his exit. Then he comes to a corridor. He turns left and sees a massive wall that’s got loads of poles near it. FARTARSE It’s a long shot but it’s a chance. FARTARSE uses the pole to pole vault over the wall. On the other side he falls on a well placed bouncy castle. He runs off. LUNATIC’s hideout. LUNATIC looks at a screen which hosts the images of the surveillance cameras. He’s surrounded by BECK and GOLDSMITH. LUNATIC There he is. BECK and GOLDSMITH struggle to run due to their new manhood extensions. These keep getting in their way. They are a comical duo, so laugh! Back in the compound FARTARSE smells trouble. It smells like BO but it’s troublesome BO. He gets ready for action. BECK approaches, bearing a gun. BECK Still think I wet myself? FARTARSE (looking at the puddle on the floor) Well.....yes. BECK Care to go one on one, man to man, puddle to puddle.... He throws away his gun and produces a knife. BECK ....Knife to knife. BECK approaches but slips on his own piddle and ends up on the floor, stabbing himself in the process. FARTARSE Is that the best you can do, you Loony? Out of the shadows a gun appears that’s pointed at FARTARSEs throat. FARTARSE drops his gun and staggers into the half light where we see GOLDSMITH, still struggling with his enlarged willy is in control of the trigger. GOLDSMITH I could just kill you now, but there’s just enough time for some kind of speech. Every criminals major downfall. I’ve gotto tell you the plan first and where the bomb is....actually I won’t bother. I’ll just shoot you. A close up of GOLDSMITHs face as a gunshot is heard. He slumps forward and, like in every shitty film, TAXIMAN is behind him, pointing a smoking gun. FARTARSE seems relatively unfazed. FARTARSE Just a driver...eh? He grabs all the equipment and departs with TAXIMAN. FARTARSE Shame he didn’t tell us all the plan. They usually do. You free the hostages I’ll get the CD. TAXIMAN slips and yells. The next thing we know he’s clinging to the side of the dam. Of course FARTARSE leaps to the rescue and dangles his hand down and catches him. It had to be in somewhere. STEREOTYPICAL ENGLISH HOME. IAN MC SHUFFLE sits in a grand front room in his stately home. He wears gentleman dress and a pipe. IAN (wooden acting of Queens English) My oh my. I wonder what is happening in the most important place in the world, America. How I wish I could live there and become fully integrated into their culture and have no manors and limited intelligence. However I will continue with my typical English lifestyle even though I’m in Scotland which isn’t in England..but the Americans havn’t quite grasped that. I’m going hunting with the Queen later today. IAN sips his tea and turns on a wireless. PENTAGON. Close up of wireless. It gets shot. Pull back to see NIMPH is holding a smoking Gun. NIMPH That was a nice link. Too artistic for this trashy tripe. Our audience might not get it. If you don’t know what it is, shoot it. It’s our way. We pull out to see loads of weight controlling devices and brains that have all been shot. Someone shoots a pair of scales. NIMPH Contact the president. I’m gonna blow up that sorry son of a bitch even if I have to kill all those hostages and my own daughter. SNIVELLING COLLEGE BOY That’s a bit of a change of heart and totally illogical. NIMPH Yeah...but it’ll be more exciting. Shots of stelf bombers taking off and the time on the bomb running down. That kind of poo . DAM INTERIOR. INTERIOR - NIGHT TAXIMAN bursts into the room where the hostages are being kept. He unties them and urges them to be quiet while escaping. MANDY isn’t having any of this and runs away once she’s untied. TAXIMAN slaps his forehead and ushers the hostages out of the door into a room full of rotating knives. It could be, we don’t see it. Once the rest of the hostages are free TAXIMAN goes back in calling for the little girl. TAXIMAN Mandy...mandy....it’s gotto be Mandy really. C’mon girl...this place is gonna blow. More shots of the clock winding down interspersed with the forthcoming airstrikes. We’re building up to something here. It won’t be any good but it’ll be something. LUNATIC’s hideout. FARTARSE approaches cautiously. He seems to stick to the side of the walls pointing his gun like they always seem to do. He overhears LUNATIC talking in terms of the clock. LUNATIC Tick, tock, tick tock goes the clock. No composer has written a symphony so sweet. Maybe I’m a great composer...... Beethoven......Mozart. perhaps I’m Handel. FARTARSE confronts the LUNATIC who’s quite calmly stroking a cat. FARTARSE I’ll be Bach. LUNATIC Ah...Fartarse. I have been waiting me and my.....exploding cat. He throws the cat at FARTARSE. It explodes near him, throwing him to the ground. LUNATIC Fancy falling for disguised weapons. LUNATIC grabs a nearby penguin. He picks it up by the legs and starts firing bullets everywhere. Then he takes a bite out of a chocolate eclair and throws it near FARTARSE. We see it land beside him. He just manages to throw it back before it explodes. FARTARSE responds to this rapid fire by producing a fully equipt standard lamp. He points the shade end at LUNATIC and lets fly. The blast is incredible and the kickback phenomenal. LUNATIC sets fire to a long piece of spaghetti, at the end of which is a melon. FARTARSE dives for cover as the devise will surely blow the place up. LUNATIC throws down a couple of Grapefruits before departing with his laptop computer. FARTARSE hides behind the desk before deciding to disarm the explosives with an fruit peeler. We see him madly try to peel the fruit and defuse it. In the end he throws it out of the window onto a clearly marked ‘munitions dump’ that’s full of fruit and iced buns. The explosion is frightening and fire starts to engulf the building. FARTARSE lies, helpless on the floor. DAM - EXTERIOR Outside LUNATIC runs to MANDY and takes her by the hand. They run off and board a nearby train after throwing the driver out of the front. LUNATIC has full control over this device and makes it work. Once the heaving wheels start to turn he moves his way towards the back of the engine. DAM - INTERIOR Cut to another shot of the injured FARTARSE lying on the floor. He looks to see the feet of TAXIMAN. TAXIMAN Hey...you coming or what? DAM - EXTERIOR Before we know it TAXIMAN’s taxi is chasing the carriages of the speeding train. FARTARSE is leaning out of the window assessing the situation. FARTARSE We need to be...just a bit closer. TAXIMAN manoeuvres the car accordingly. FARTARSE starts to climb out of the window and on to the roof of the car. Here he anticipates his next move. Rather predictably he jumps to the side of the train with relative ease as he’s such a hero. Once on he climbs to the top of the endless carriages, leaping from one to the next. LUNATIC uncouples the carriages from the engine. FARTARSE continues to jump from carriage to carriage. He comes to one that has helicopters on it. One of them starts to take off and fire a selection of bullets at him. The pilot is a stereotypical bad guy with reflective sunglasses on and all that shit. Dramatically FARTARSE leaps down to the platform and grabs hold of the underside of the helicopter. On the helipad he finds a handhold and the strain is evident. The superhero is being stretched to the limit. If he was a baddie he’s be ripped in half but he’s American so the helicopter smashes to the ground, narrowly missing the taxi. Down below the taxi has a problem as it’s about to run into a wall. FARTARSE reads this situation well and urges TAXIMAN to get out and jump to the side of the train. After a little encouragement he clambers out of the window. A couple of shots of the fast moving ground (actually the ground stays still and the cars move but who cares?) before TAXIMAN jumps out and grabs hold of FARTARSEs extended arm. Eventually after some strain TAXIMAN is on the platform with FARTARSE. There’s still one more helicopter on the platform. FARTARSE I know you can drive a taxi. You tried a chopper? TAXIMAN No...no there is no way on God’s earth..I’m gonna...you crazy. FARTARSE Fine....I’ll walk. FARTARSE gets up on top and continues his jumping the carriages routine. At the front of the selection of the carriages he sees the detached engine about 100 yards away. FARTARSE looks into the distance and imagines the situation is lost. Then he jumps from the front of the carriages and in the next shot is clinging onto the back of the engine. A few moments later LUNATIC is shooting down on him from an incredibly short range. FARTARSE Bad guys are such bad shots. FARTARSE leans off the back of the train. He manages to climb up a bit before he looses his grip even more and ends up clinging to the underside of the train. PENTAGON MR GREEN Will he die? SNIVELLING COLLEGE BOY Of course not...he’s........too American. WALL - EXTERIOR - DAY We see down the barrel of a firing gun. Infront of it are different nationalities of people in stereotypical costumes. All of them are being mowed down by gunfire (nothing too horrific) apart from the last one, FARTARSE. He sustains no damage at all. The bullets seem to bounce off his manly exterior for some seconds. He walks up and slaps the machine gunner. TRAIN On the helipad TAXIMAN is thinking about what FARTARSE said. TAXIMAN Well.....what the hell? He gets in the cab of the chopper. Turns the key and it starts to turn. A couple of moments later he takes off and starts to scream.On the top of the train a person stands hailing a cab. He looks out of the windscreen and sees a glowing taxi sign. How wacky! FATAMERICAN appears in the back of the helicopter, stuffing his face. Further up the track FARTARSE is clinging to the train. He clambers his way forward, avoiding all the traction’s and stuff that are there. He’s approaching the front of the train as LUNATIC is puzzled and looking for his enemy. The train goes through a tunnel, a break from the well lit track. FARTARSE Uh..who turned out the lights! MYSTERIOUS VOICE Oh...sorry. The lights in the tunnel are turned on. FARTARSE is now on the footplate pointing his gun at the helpless LUNATIC. FARTARSE Still working for the government? LUNATIC No.....I’m a bad guy. FARTARSE It doesn’t matter anyway because.....you’re fired. FARTARSE shoots LUNATIC in the chest. LUNATIC is unscathed. Instead he produces an alarm clock from his inside pocket where the bullet hit him. He starts to dance around. FARTARSE (inspecting gun) Damn...my last bullet. LUNATIC For once the bad guy wins......No hitches there. They thought I was daft investing in bullet proof alarm clocks but....hang on...Damn..these things are only bullet proof if no one shoots them. LUNATIC starts reaming with agony on the floor, suddenly trying to keep the blood from pouring out of his wound. LUNATIC But..I’ve still got my golf clubs. LUNATIC produces a golf club from behind his back. He takes a swipe at FARTARSE with it but it breaks before any contact can be made. LUNATIC Damn....foiled by my own shoddy merchandise. FARTARSE looks satisfied and overjoyed when MANDY comes and greets him. MANDY You cunt...he was my real Dad. FARTARSE opens the lap top computer which has the CD in it, clearly visible. It says the time (in terms out countdown) on it, there’s still around 7 or 8 minutes left in which to detonate. Strangely he sees no urgency in the situation. FARTARSE Strange....there’s usually only a few second to go. A jolt in the chopper lands on the back of the train. Out gets TAXIMAN, much to the annoyance of his new customers he goes on the footplate with FARTARSE. TAXIMAN pleads with FARTARSE just to defuse the bomb. FARTARSE No..It’s not quite tight enough. We’ve gotto leave it to the last minute. There has to be a marginal outcome to all of these situations. Cut to shots of the impending air strikes and the ticking down of the clock. Tension mounts for the people in the pentagon as FARTARSE and TAXIMAN sit around. Passage of time, tense climax...that kind of thing. TAXIMAN C’mon it’s gonna blow in.....20 seconds. FARTARSE No....not yet. We’re getting nearer. We’ve gotto wait for the last possible moment. TAXIMANs impatience is clear as he taps his fingers frantically on the side of the train. The countdown gets to it’s ten second mark and is counting down fast. FARTARSE waits a few more seconds before giving in to TAXIMANs desperation. FARTARSE (disarming bomb by removing precious CD) Yeah....Okay. But it would have been even more marginal if you’d let me decide when to do it. PENTAGON - INTERIOR Everyone watches the clock tick away on the massive screen. It stops. They all cheer and go ‘Woo’ ‘Woo’ in a kind of annoying American way. NIMPH (on phone) Cancel the airstrikes, code red, repeat er. don’t fire. MR GREEN I knew he’d do it. Situation resolved. Shit, I owe you $500. SNIVELLING COLLEGE BOY You should always bet on the good guy..even if it looks impossible. TRAIN FARTARSE hugs the overjoyed TAXIMAN. TAXIMAN We did it man! MANDY You killed my Daddy. MANDY kicks the shit out of FARTARSE. NEXT DAY - DAY - HELICOPTER INTERIOR The helicopter flies over the dam. It contains a pilot, co-pilot, winch operator and perhaps more importantly from a narrative point of view a newly bandaged FARTARSE, TAXIMAN and MANDY. FAT AMERICAN is there too. The winch operator hands a phone to MANDY. NIMPH’s OFFICE - INTERIOR - DAY NIMPH is on the phone, talking to Mandy. NIMPH So...how’s my little girl....well..sure I’m not your father technically but the stalk had....er the measles that it caught of that nasty man and his DNA transcended into you via...the measles of the baby carrying bird. Ok..I wont lie to you. Mummy sleeps around. HELICOPTER MANDY Oh I knew that...she’s a real slapper. NIMPH’s OFFICE NIMPH is taken aback by this comment from his bubbling daughter. NIMPH Well.....love you sweetheart. He hangs up. HELICOPTER Another phone call as on the phone comes the voice of the CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS. CHIEF WHO YELLS LOADS’ VOICE Man, you’re off the force. I aint never letin’ you in the office again and those that was a new desk. You’re suspended. You’re finished (etc). FARTARSE Suck it. He throws the phone out of the helicopter. TAXIMAN Well man.... that sure was a ride I’ll never forget. I left the meter going. You owe me $23,000 All of the people laugh phoney for several seconds. After a while we can see they are putting it on and having to force themselves to continue laughing. FARTARSE C’mon...you’re meant to fade out on the laughter. Laughter means the end of the film. Nothing else’ll happen. FAT AMERICAN drops a doughnut. We see it catch itself on the runner at the bottom of the chopper. FAT AMERICAN has no hesitation. He does a full lengh dive in order to catch it. The end result is him belly flopping out of the side of the helicopter and heading belly first towards the water. We see him bounce off the waters surface and head towards the dam. Several bounces then crashing impact, totally destroying the dam and causing a tidal wave. FARTARSE looks a little pissed off when the theme for the dambusters comes over the radio. PENTAGON The same people sit around waiting for the next lunatic to threaten the world. The room has about a foot of water in it. On flickers the same screen seen many time so far. LUNATIC 2 Get me a better job else I’ll stop the doughnut supply to America. NIMPH What? This is even more serious. CIA? FBI? What’s this boy’s background? MR FARTARSE 3 years with ASDA. Just drive? Man this is so corny I just wanna spew. SURROUNDING men of the military all start to chant ‘USA, USA, USA’ Error! Bookmark not defined.