· There are no losers here tonight, yet.
· For the first time ever the Oscars are being stimucasted in HDTV, so I’d like to give a big hello to the three guys watching at Circuit City.
· A lot of people are here tonight, hey there’s Roman Polanski…Get him!
· Hey Mickey Rooney, (Sitting in the back) sorry we couldn’t get you a better seat, Vin Diesel is here.
· Actors today are paid in millions, he was paid in colorful beads (Mickey Rooney)
· And in accordance with the court order, I am 20 feet away from Halle Berry (She is in the front row)
· You know, Nicole Kidman has worn a fake nose in all her movies, except The Hours.
· A few years ago, Billy Crystal rode a horse on stage to promote his new movie, City Slickers 2 and it just made me feel like Bringing Down the House.
· We are here to honor writers, directors, and actors. In case we run out of food, that is the order we are eating you.
· We have some lackies putting Michael Moore (director of Bowling for Columbine) into his trunk
· I found a pattern with the winners, they were all nominees,
· I’d do anything to look like him, except exercise and eat right.
· Don’t be shy if you’ve slept with me. (Pictures of all the best actresses, Hale Berry, Ted Damson, Andy Rooney, and Stitch.
· Here is a man with the same name as the first James Bond. (Sean Cannery enters)
· Meyrl Streeps performance in The Hours really made me think. I’ll never forgive her.
· When I learned that Richard Gere didn’t get the nomination, I said, welcome to my world Richard Gere.
· With the success of such films about artists like Frida, I am pleased to announce next year I will be staring in The Sherwin Williams Story
· I want to thank Steven Spielberg. Why? Because it couldn’t hurt.
· (After the montage of the montage of those who died during the year) I hope I’m up there some day.
· And coming later, a montage of people you think are dead
· (Talking about what actors can be) They can be straight, or gay. (Picture of Jack Nicholson)
· If you would like a transcript of tonight’s show, write everything down.