A Little Bit of Me (The mind of an Multiple Personality Disorder)
Fierce devastation, and destruction.
From 19 years...
Black is white.
Windows have changed
Memories are gone, only scars remain.
Religion; only a pacifier for mass correction.
Am I a fool to seek out council?
Fairy tales and lies?
Take me on a tour of my pain.
I will bear my soul.
Waters that run so still.
"Too much pain I will run and hide."
But love is all I ever really wanted.
Addictions cease when you start to look.
When I explore my past.
Start to melt.
When I think about it
Deep down in side,
I start to cry.
Oh how I've tried to find love,
All I found was cold eye's.
It's what I wanted all my life.
I never knew what it was like.
Drowns out all fear.
My slate is down
Even the dust inside my veins.
Love is the drug I really wanted,
What we needed.
The truth about this love hunger is,
It's what I crave.
Deep down in side
My heart cries.
I think how my compulsiveness
Takes me for a ride.
I must stop putting aside
What's really going on.
"There's pain inside."
Was always there.
I never knew what it was like.
Oh Lord I'm scared to sleep.
All this time I've searched for the drug
Bring me near to what I really wanted.
Is the drug
We wanted, and needed all my life.
Spirit bring me near.
Pails of fire are in my house to night.
The hurt from my past
Caused it to ignite.
Nails dug so deep
Gray heavy clouds hang over my head.
Spread like cancer.
The rage within me burns as an inferno.
A moment of disease.
Alter my train of thought.
To suffocate my intellect.
Now a scull and cross bones
Circulate though my spirit.
My house of fire is not my desire.
But there is resentment in my heart.
Bleeding to be free.
This fury on the loose
Add another notch
My toxic scars.
Ceasing to be stopped.
Fire I do not desire.
I can't ignore the truth.
I must face this ugly sight of unforgiveness.
And the people I'd love to blame.
"They drew first blood Lord!"
Oh Jesus douse this flame
My house fire of my desire.
This house is burning me!
So there we were just sitting there
Could not believe what I just herd.
A man of God
With a book in hand.
To scold young humanity that was his plan.
Preacher and teacher
Please don't make me deny my problems inside
Am I a fool to seek out council.
I've got feelings,
I've got pain,
I've got suffering,
I've got unfinished business
My early year's.
I was just standing there.
Scattered trauma filled the air.
Wounded souls with lifted hands.
The shame last Sunday
Makes me want to cry.
I'm just taking a walk
Down the side streets in my mind
What really happened
That dreaded night.
Was it the guy next door,
Or was it my earthly father,
Or just someone I trusted.
Who put the poison in my drink of life.
A violation of my humanity.
Now look at my shattered soul.
I'm taking a stroll
The side streets in my soul.
The spirit leads
And intends to make me hole
"I really don't want to look at the pain."
I'll shut the door and walk away
They say it's easier to live with a scar.
Because open wounds sing a song of sad denial.
Bones that kill this is real.
You deserve much better.
Those that kill little ones.
They steal their self-esteem
Unlocking the door
flood of memories
Kiss them good by
Say hello to the promise land.
Is this the freedom we've been looking for.
What did I find?
It's very hard to heal the wound
The bullet is still lodged inside.
The trigger was pulled emotionally
It's a crime.
"I don't want to look at the pain."
I'll shut the door and walk away.
It's better to live with a scar
Than a wound.
I deserve much better
Open wounds are a sign of sad denial.
Bones that kill this real.
I need to cry and I can't.
I need to grieve
about the things I never had.
I need to feel as bad as I really do.
I can't deny the catastrophe inside.
I have to give it to God.
I can't pretend I'm feeling all right.
Most of all I must be real with God.
Just like a paper doll
I've been neatly taken apart
Bit by bit,
Peace by peace.
I've been completely taken apart.
If you can't feel pain you can't feel nothing at all.
We must grieve to give it to God.
I can't pretend.
I must be real with God.
For victory to be real with me
Sitting here writhing painful poetry,
God's love cuts through my worst brutalities.
The greatest gift is to be loved for who you are.
God tells us he still loves us,
He just wants me.
Stolen innocence and hand shake for morality.
Oh Lord I wanted to wait!
A choice of a child
Stolen by selfish desire of another
Before I had a choice to chose.
I can't pretend I'm clean when I'm not
God still loves me.
Lord help me I had no choice
I didn't want to come to this place called earth.
No choice but to survive
It's a vile , destructive world.
I want NO PART OF.
Lord please don't turn away from me
If you do we will have no one.
I am a true alien that no one understands.
"I'll walk away from the pain."
It's a pain I can't bear to see.
When isolation hunts my spirit.
All I have,
All we need doesn't seem to matter any more
When loneliness comes
Knocks at our back door.
Oh Lord please just deliver us.
Please don't turn away from me.
Take me to where you want me
Oh Lord I am the clay please be my potter.
Make me an ambassador to the nations.
Help me to be a lover of souls.
I lay my life be for you.
I truly worship and adore you.
I lay my life before you
I want to do your will.
I trust you, and only you.
Take the cataracts from my eye's.
Take the plugs from my ear's
I am your bond servant.
God answered ll Timothy 4:1-8 John 14:1-4
The time of your departure is at hand
I have not forgotten you.
Keep my words
So they my be a light to my chosen
In a time of utter blindness and deafness.
I have prepared a beautiful mansion for you.
I created you and raised you.
You were hand picked
Specially polished by my father.
To be a lighted path
Loud voice for my chosen
Remember your not a lone
my spirit stays with you.
Keep calling to my children
Teaching my seekers
Those that are chosen will
understand my words
Those that don't pray for
You are all my children that I love...
Due to this incident of realization in my life.
I decided to write this book.
You say why? there's a million
Cause and effect of abuse books,
But listen, the difference is
That I am proof
Prayer, meditation, human psychology,
Diet, belief, hypnosis,
And most of all
Combined with God
There is more than healing
There is true freedom.
So sit back and enjoy
Mental head trip of my life.
Trauma in the raw can have strange effects
Read with caution,
I dedicate this book to every child ever born.
Chapter 1: Rage within
Chapter 2: The view from here
Choices and consequences
Here I grow again
Lost in paradise
Chapter 3: Things change
Matter of mind
Leather jackets and greasy jeans
Chapter 4: Balance to maintain control
Blowing the wind
This is the start of my book Copy Right 11/02/1993 To LauRee Ward
For comments or more information Please Write toMrsDid@yahoo.com