What keeps us from being internally free and alive, and
what can we do about it?
My approach to self-improvement takes into consideration the entire individual, and his desires to be fully alive and free from external controls, and to unfold his potentialities, faculties and capacities to the highest degree possible. While I do realize that life nowadays is filled with pressures and several other external stress factors, I do believe that we can, and should work on gaining control over ourselves. Then, and only then can we even begin to realize and actualize our true human powers. I know that it is possible, let me try to explain:
First of all, our true individuality is not (or should not be) based on our possessions, on the things we have in our live¸ but rather on our being ness. True meaning cannot be found outside of ourselves, but is resides within, and to develop ourselves in such a ways as to gain the freedom to develop and utilize our inner powers and gifts, that is the focus of self-development as I see it. We can gain this type of inner freedom only if we focus less on trying to change that which is going on around us, that which we do not like or want, if we are less driven to seek that which we want out of life, and instead learn to gain control over the only person over who we have ultimate control over, namely ourselves. This is possible only if look at ourselves as a separate and unique human being, an individual who needs to free himself (or herself) from illusions, inner disturbances, agitations, negative and destructive feelings and or behaviors in order to gain the positive freedom to see things as they are, to think for oneself, the freedom to be open, and the freedom to develop, utilize and develop ones inner gifts and talents.
One challenge that many individuals encounter in their own development is the way they feel about themselves and life in general. Feelings, as so many times misunderstood should not be dependent on outside forces, but rather should be used to understand ourselves and the world around us better. Many people waste a lot of their energies looking for ways to feel good. Becoming aware over the way we feel is essential, but instead of being possessed and controlled by our feelings, we need to learn to express them in positive and constructive ways. Nobody and nothing can make us feel a certain way, unless we give that which is going on around us the power to control us. Instead of comparing life around us to ourselves, to our own standards and expectations, we should learn to see things as they are, regardless if we like it or not, and not let the way we feel about what we see interfere with our perception, and interpretation of reality.
We can learn to use our own senses in such a way as to access and understand the world around us, to understand different dynamics and realities, instead of being controlled by how different things, people and circumstances make us feel. Usually we give up a great amount of personal power by comparing that which is going around us to the way we are, to the way we want it or need it to be, and then our feelings are a result of how things around us “make” us feel. All of this tends to show that we do not live in the reality at large, but in our own reality, where we do not look at life as it is, but rather as we are; where we compare that which is going on around us to the way we want to or need it to be, and ultimately, this sets us up for disappointment and frustration. I think that we should make more effort to see and accept things as they are, regardless if we like them or not, and take that which is going on around us less personal.
The fist step, learning to become more comfortable with
the truth
Learning to accept that which ultimately cannot be changed, not even feeling the need to change it anymore, this is the first step in the process of gaining a higher degree of internal freedom. I once heard a very powerful definition of the concept of acceptance; to accept something means that one learns to become comfortable with the truth. What a wonderful idea, but yet, how difficult that seems to incorporate into our daily lives. We all seem to look for ways to feel comfortable, for ways to feel good about ourselves, but I truly believe that it is this kind of thinking that keeps us from living fully in the here and now. I think that feelings should be used to understand ourselves and the world around us better, instead of being dependent on how things around us “make” us feel. This is something that each and every one of us can learn. Instead of focusing most of our attention trying to change that which is going on around us because we do not like it, because the truth is too difficult to deal with, because life around us is so unlike we want it or need it to be, we can learn to be more accepting of that which ultimately can not be changed. Only then can we focus our attention fully on our personal development, once we are comfortable with the truth, inside, as well as outside of ourselves.
Then we will see that life is not about finding happiness, love and meaning external to ourselves but rather that these are human qualities that need to be developed from within ourselves; there is no way to happiness, but rather that happiness is the way, love is an action, an attitude towards ourselves and life in general, and that instead of looking for something interesting to do, we need to learn to become interested. Letting go of our ego, of the concern with ourselves and with what we want or need out of life, and instead becoming fully open to the world around us, this is the something that we can learn.
The
more we give up the need to control the things around us, the more accepting we
will become, the less we feel the need to defend ourselves. Once we have
reached the point of true openness, we are truly comfortable with whatever is
going on around us. Instead of talking at people, trying to convince
them of our position, instead of holding on to what we “stand” for, we make the
genuine effort to understand other people and where they are coming from, and I
truly believe that this is what we need in this world nowadays, less
competitiveness and people arguing with one another over who is right and
wrong, and more making the effort to understand one another, and even if we do
not approve of what the other person is saying or doing, we can at least make
the effort to be more accepting. Only then if we make the effort to understand
others, when we hear them out and try to put ourselves into their position,
only then can we learn to talk to them, once we understand the
motivations, the reasons behind their behavior. Therefore, self-development as
I see it is not only a way to improve ourselves, but is also a way to achieve
more peace and harmony in our world.
What
lies within ourselves are tiny matter compared to what lies ahead of us. I like this quote by Ralph
Waldo Emerson, since it addresses the fact that life is way more than
achieving, producing and working on the future. Life is about living, life is a
great power that lies within ourselves, and we all can learn to tap into that
power in a positive and constructive way. I think that since the beginning of
time, mankind has been blinded by the wrong kind of power, the power over
others, the power to possess; greed, violence, injustice are themes of history
as we know it. To find freedom, the Promised Land where all men are free, where
everyone is treated equally has been a dream every since the beginning of time.
In the name of justice, countless wars were waged, and human history in an
account of the fight for freedom. It is no wonder that we are all so externally
focused since that is what our past taught us, that life is about creating
justice, peace and harmony, and while I truly believe that it is very important
to live in a “just” world, our pursuit to create the perfect world has kept us
from realizing our true human nature, the greatness that lies within ourselves.
We
here in the West live in a predominantly production and consumption oriented
society, there is no doubt about that, and we human beings have lost our sense
of importance and significance. The focus of society is not life, but things.
The individual human being with all of his innate powers and potentialities has
become a means to an end. We go to school in order to graduate, in order to get
jobs, in order to be socially productive. We work in order to make money, in
order to buy things that provide our lives with a certain degree of comfort,
meaning and happiness. Throughout this
whole process, our true human powers become impoverished. Over the course of
growing up, we loose our ability to think for ourselves since we are too busy
living up to external guidelines and expectations. The pressure to perform,
obey, conform and produce is so strong, that slowly over time, many of us give
up caring completely, and it is then that we begin to preoccupy ourselves with
finding ways to feel good, to find happiness outside ourselves, since there is
too much (external) pressure, we are all so (externally) busy, and life is just
too stressful. But we are told that there is a reward to all of this. We are
told that as long as we do what is required of us, we have the freedom to live
our life the way we want to, and this is our modern sense of independence, the
freedom of choice, the freedom of speech, and the pursuit of happiness.
To
make a long story short, and I will surly write more about this in the future
since I think that this is such an important concept; this kind of thinking
about life, individuality and independence does a great disservice to life, and
the individual human being. It is very sad that the environment we live in does
not stimulate and further our development and growth as human beings, and that
we do not learn to become familiar with innate and unique faculties,
potentialities and capacities. I always thought that the system of which we are
all part of alienates us from our inner powers since it places such an
overwhelming emphasize on living up to external guidelines and expectations.
How can we be free in developing our innate powers and gifts if we are required
to basically follow the standards and guidelines set by others, if we are too
busy doing what is required of us and then pursuing that which we want “out” of
life? I think that many of us have taken this concept of education, of
competition, production and consumption for granted, but I for one have always
questioned how this system of which we are all part of affects our true nature
as human beings. It is therefore not only personal development with which I
concern myself with, but also environmental and institutional development.
How
much more effective, how tremendously employee and student morale could improve
if we would place less emphasize on enforcing rules, procedures and manuals,
and instead empower the individual to learn for himself, to motivate people to
apply themselves and to become internally active. I truly believe that we all
have the desire to learn and to work; they are essential elements of what it
means to be human, but instead of having a system in place that requires the
individual to use his powers for the sake of doing what is required of him or
her, we should instead guide people in their development, so they do not feel
that they have to be productive, but so that they want to be productive. Let me
just use one very obvious example. As children we are all blessed with a
tremendous amount of wonder about life, with an insatiable interest about why
things are they way they are, and understandably so, since when we are very
young, we do not know much about ourselves and the world around us. Why then
not develop on that interest that children naturally have? Why do we have to
have a system in place that molds the individual, that focuses more emphasize
on living up to external expectations, instead of empowering people to become
fully alive and internally free, not in the negative sense of freedom described
earlier, but free to develop and express their human faculties and
potentialities?
There
are a lot of answers to why our society focuses more attention on molding people
to be a certain way, instead of empowering the individual, but regardless of
what the reason, I think it is our responsibility as human beings to take our
development into our own hands, so we can become gain the internal freedom to
be fully alive. I am not taking about becoming a rebel and trying to change the
system of which we are part of, but rather I am talking about becoming more
free in that we are giving the situation and circumstances of our lives less
negative control and power over us. We can learn to be more alive and
internally active, regardless of how destructive, boring and frustrating our
lives might be. We can learn to be less frustrated by how things are around us,
and become more accepting of what ultimately cannot be changed. We can change
our focus, trying less to change things around us and work on changing
ourselves in positive and constructive ways. We can learn to give birth to our
true selves, to the vast array of potentialities, faculties and potentialities
that reside with ourselves, instead of blaming the things around us for why we
are unhappy and depressed.
This
is my understanding of self-development. I am convinced that every person can
learn to be more internally successful, and even gain more external success, but
the difference to my approach is that external success begins within ourselves,
with our attitude, our focus, our motives. Thinking that success is about
achieving ones goals, about living the good life and being financially
independent is not only very misleading, but also very selfish and self
centered. The meaning of life is life itself; there is not doubt in my mind.
Everything that is alive is an expression of what most people refer to as the
highest power, of God, and by passively going about our business, pursuing the
good life, and praying for things to get better, this kind of thinking is in
part responsible for why people are depressed, alienated from themselves, each
other and life in general. People argue, fight and wage war against each other
for the simple reason that they are attached to their possessions, their land,
their property, but also to their opinions, viewpoints and beliefs, which they
are willing to defend, even to the death many times. A simple change of focus could change all of that. Instead of
being attached to what we “stand” for, we could learn to believe in life, in
each other. By learning to develop on our capacities for love and reason we can
gain the tools to bring about understanding between ourselves and other people.
Then, instead of arguing with one another, instead of feeling the need to
defend ourselves against others, we instead give up our need to be “right” for
the sake of bringing about peace and understanding.
The
greatest change begins within ourselves, and even if we are the only person in
our immediate environment who goes thru this process of personal
transformation, this change from the pole of defensiveness and having towards
the pole of openness and being ness, the effect this will have not only on ourselves,
but also on the people around us will be tremendous. Life will take on a whole
new dimension in this mode of existence; our whole attitude, the way we feel
about ourselves, and our behavior will ultimately improve, our thinking will
become more clear, and we learn to rely on our own powers. But more than that,
it is then that we reach out to other people thru unconditional love,
acceptance, empathy, respect and understanding. It is then that we make the
effort to relate ourselves to other people and at the same time let them relate
themselves to us. Instead of comparing other people to ourselves, we have
learned to look at the person behind the behavior, behind the role, and we are
fully able and willing to share our humanity with them.
As
I mentioned it before, the key to good relationships is openness; openness in
the way we express ourselves to the other person, our true feelings, emotions
and thoughts, and openness towards the other person, towards their feelings and
thoughts. Ideally, both people in a relationship are open towards one another,
but sometimes we come across someone who just does not seem to be willing to
listen, or they are just stubborn. So, instead of getting people to accept or
understand our point of view, we learn to speak our mind, relate our concerns
and observations to the other person, and then, depending on how the other
person responds to us we can decide if this is a good relationship to remain
in, or not. For example, if after we expressed our concerns, the other person takes
what we said into consideration, and makes changes in their behavior if
necessary, then we can be assured that this is a relationship in which we are
respected, where what we say is important to the other person and therefore,
this is a relationship with a future. If on the other hand, the other person
dismisses our concerns, and undermines what we said, then we know that this is
a relationship with a low degree of respect and caring. Knowing this, it is up
to us to make a decision, to either to remain in a relationship where what we
say is not important to the other person, or to move on before we waste more
energy trying to change someone who obviously does not want to change. In
either case, the decision is ours to make. This is what I refer to positive
power, the power to see and accept other people for who they are, and to relate
ourselves to them on that basis.
Once
we operate from the pole of openness, we have learned to use our senses and
perceptions in such a way as to see things as they are, and our personal
perspective will not distort our view of reality anymore. Reaching this point
is something that each and every one of us can attain, but we need to be
willing to give up our false attachments, our ignorance, our need to get our
way and to defend what we “stand” for. This is truly a small price to pay if we
keep in mind what we will gain ; the ability to accept that which ultimately cannot
be changed, to become comfortable with the truth, inside and out, and to then develop,
utilize and express our own innate faculties, capacities and human endowments
to the highest degree possible.
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