Love is more than a just a feeling that comes over us when
we meet the right person
Most everybody who experienced
the amazing feeling of being in love also can give testimony to how quickly the
feeling can subside over time. After the initial infatuation period is over,
and people get used to each other, things can significantly change. People who
once felt deep compassion, tenderness and love for one another one day
experience deep contempt and hatred. The reason is because we have this deep
embedded notion in our culture that love is easy as long as you find the right
person. Part of the problem is that we most of the time fall in love with an
image we have of another person without ever having taken the time to truly get
to know them. When we meet a person whom we like we most likely only see that
which we want to see. In our mind we create an image of who we want to person
to be, neglecting to see them as they are. People who are looking for love
undergo endless procedures in order to make themselves look attractive and
desirable. I am not saying that people should not try to keep up their
appearances, what I am saying that people are so focused on outside appearances
that they neglect to show others who they really are.
True and mature love is
an attitude, a character orientation. It is a giving of
ourselves, a sharing of your humanity, of that which is
alive in us; our joy, our interest, understanding, humor, our knowledge,
pain, compassion and empathy.
In giving of that which
is alive in ourselves, we enrich the life of the other person and their sense
of aliveness, and in return, we grow in our humanity by experiencing the other
person fully. In order to love another person we need to see them as they are,
undistorted by our illusions, hopes and expectations, in other words, we need
to be aware of his or her unique individuality. Thru true compassion and
empathy we can learn to experience within ourselves what another person is
experiencing, and thru this experience, he and I become one. Loving someone
means that we want them to grow and unfold as they are, for their own sake, in
their own ways, and not for the purpose of serving us, not as an object for our
use. Since love is a giving, it furthermore implies that we continuously
respond to the needs of the other person, expressed or unexpressed.
Love
takes effort, care and responsibility
Much more than a feeling, true love is a giving. It takes
much more effort than previously assumed, but sincere and genuine love is
unconditional and ever lasting. Since love is an attitude, it goes beyond the
surface of appearances and impressions. Loving another person is possible only
if we know them, which is possible only if we make the effort to get to know
them. Instead of being blinded by how we would want or need a person to be, we
need to make more effort trying to understand who the other person really is.
Many relationships drift apart because one person does not approve of the
actions or behavior of the other person, without even making the effort to
understand them. The issues should not be if we approve of how the other person
is behaving, but rather if we accept them. People become alienated from one
another over time because they think that their partner would not understand
them, and then little white lies are told because we do not want to hurt the
other person’s feelings, or rather, we do not want to rock the boat. People
remain together while becoming strangers to each other on the inside. Living
side by side without any effort to relate to one another, without open and
honest communication, this is the recipe for a breakup. People still might
remain together, but what they think about each other, well, that is kept
unsaid. How much we could improve on our relationships if we just could bring
ourselves to be more open and honest in our relationships.
In summary, to love someone means that we need to understand him or her. There are so many more sides to a person than the eye can meet, and how an individual is behaving around us is very different than how they act around their friends and co workers. It is therefore important to look way beyond impressions and appearances and to make the effort to really get to know another person. I am not talking about being suspicious or spying on the other person. What I am saying is that true, genuine and active love penetrates thru the surface of appearances and impressions and helps us to experience the other person as they truly are.
What is
missing in most relationships?
The essential element missing in most
relationships is openness. Openness in the way we express ourselves to the other
person, and openness towards the other person. The key verb here is to relate,
which is what relationships should be all about, two or more people actively
relating themselves to one another without trying to manipulate, change, or
judge one another. Only then, when we make the continuous effort to understand
one another better can our relationships become more healthy, solid and
genuine.
If we learn to treat the other person as an equal, with all the respect and
appreciation we would want them to treat us with, if we learn to be less
confrontational, manipulative and domineering, and if we instead make the
effort to be more loving, understanding, and accepting of the other person, the
quality of our relationships will improve tremendously.