What people who fall in love
don't seem to realize
Most everybody who experienced the amazing feeling of being in love also can
give testimony to how quickly the feeling can subside over time. After the initial
infatuation period is over and people get used to each other things can
significantly change. People who once felt deep compassion, tenderness and love
for one another one day experience deep contempt and hatred. The reason is
because we have this deep embedded notion in our culture that love is easy as
long as you find the right person. Part of the problem is that we most of the
time fall in love with an image we have of another person without ever having
taken the time to truly get to know them. When we meet a
person whom we like we most likely only see that which we want to see.
In our mind we create an image of who we want to person to be, neglecting to
see them as they are. People who are looking for love undergo endless procedures
in order to make themselves look attractive and desirable, but neglect to show
others who they really are, or to look beyond appearances and impressions.
Love
is an attitude, a character orientation
True and genuine love is more than a just a feeling that comes over us when we
meet the right person. True and mature love is an attitude, a character
orientation, an activity, a giving of ourselves, of that which is alive in us,
our joy, our interest, understanding, humor, our knowledge, compassion and
empathy. In giving of that which is alive in ourselves we enrich the life of
the other person and their sense of aliveness, and in return, we grow in our
humanity by experiencing the other person fully. In order to love another
person we need to see them as they are, undistorted by our illusions, hopes and
expectations, in other words, we need to be aware of his or her unique
individuality. Thru true compassion and empathy we can learn to experience
within ourselves what another person is experiencing, and thru this experience,
he and I become one. Loving someone means that we want them to grow and unfold
as they are, for their own sake, in their own ways, and not for the purpose of
serving us, not as an object for our use. Since love is a giving, it
furthermore implies that we continuously respond to the needs of the other
person, expressed or unexpressed.
Love takes effort, care and
responsibility
Much more than a feeling, true love is a giving. It takes much more effort than
previously assumed. Sincere and genuine love is unconditional and ever lasting
since it goes beyond the surface of appearances and impressions. Loving another
person is possible only if we know them, which is possible only if we make the
effort to get to know them. Instead of being blinded by how we would want or
need a person to be, we need to make more effort trying to understand who the
other person really is. Many relationships drift apart because one person does
not approve of the actions or behavior of the other person, without even making
the effort to understand them. The issues should not be if we approve of how
the other person is behaving, but rather if we accept them. People become
alienated from one another over time because they think that their partner
would not understand them, and then little white lies are told because we do
not want to hurt the other person’s feelings, or rather we do not want to rock
the boat. People remain together on the outside while becoming strangers to
each other on the inside. Living side by side without any effort to relate to
one another, without open and honest communication this is the recipe for a
breakup. People still might remain together, but what they think about each
other, well, that is kept unsaid. How much we could improve on our
relationships if we just could bring ourselves to be more open and honest in
our relationships.
What
is missing in most relationships?
The essential element missing in most relationships is
openness. Openness in the way we express ourselves to the other person, and
openness towards the other person. The key verb here is to relate, which is
what relationships should be all about, two or more people actively relating
themselves to one another without trying to manipulate, change, or judge one
another. Too many times we enter into a relationship thinking we know another
person as long as we like what we see, but to assume that we can ever
understand another person is misleading and dangerous. Only if we are fully
open towards the other person, continuously paying attention to and learning
about them, only if we make the effort to see the other person in their entirety,
only if we respect them and accept them as they are can we even begin to
develop an understanding of who they are.
Many times we can get the false idea that we know another person based on the
impression we get. Especially when it comes to love we
easily cling to an image or an ideal, and our perception of another person
can easily lead us to overlook important clues and insights. We then brush
aside certain different and unusual behaviors and comments by the other person
because we only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear, and our
perception becomes very selective and distorted. We come to believe that we
already know another person based upon our perception of them, and this will
sooner or later result in problems within the relationship.
If we learn to treat the other person as an equal, with all the respect and
appreciation we would want them to treat us with, if we learn to be less
confrontational, manipulative and domineering, and instead make the effort to
be more loving, understanding, and accepting of the other person, the quality
of our relationships will improve tremendously. The key of my message is that
when we treat other people with respect, acceptance, appreciation we will
ultimately receive back their respect, acceptance and appreciation, and even in
the off chance that this is not the case, we at least we see them for who they
are and we let them be, without being controlled by their negativity. Knowing
that we ultimately cannot change anybody and accepting others unconditionally
(without taking what they say or do personal) will ultimately change the way we
live with others in positive ways. It is our responsibility as a human being to
be more understanding and accepting towards others. Then we can learn to relate
ourselves, openly and genuinely to other people, without trying to change or
manipulate them.
However other people behave, whatever they say or do, by being more open toward
them, by seeing them as they are, by allowing them to be however they choose to
be can we develop a better understanding of who are as an individual. We need
to surrender our need to compare others to the way we want them or need them to
be, and instead accept them unconditionally. Only then is it possible to
develop true and genuine human relationships, when we make the continuous
effort to understand one another better can our relationships become more
healthy, solid and genuine. If we learn to treat the other person as an equal,
with all the respect and appreciation we would want them to treat us with, if
we learn to be less confrontational, manipulative and domineering, and if we
instead make the effort to be more loving, understanding, and accepting of the
other person, the quality of our relationships will improve tremendously.
Please take me back
to the main page