Section's First "Take Your Child to Work Day" Is A Dismal Failure

Section's first annual "Take Your Child To Work Day" may not have been the best of plans. more...

Environmentalist Mowed Down by SUV

Davenport was tragically killed when an irate motorist hit him in a parking lot after a top-secret mission.

Davenport, always admired for his talents as a section watchdog and avid environmentalist, was busily putting up "I'm Changing the Climate!" bumper stickers on SUVs in protest of global warming when he was hit broadside by a large unmarked black vehicle.

"There was just no need for it," sobbed fellow environmentalist Ernie, who leads the National Tagging Chapter for "He was trying to spread the word of how rampant consumerism is wreaking havoc on our planet. He did his part by placing bumper stickers on 'gas-guzzling behemoths, the automotive equivalents to the Exxon Valdez.' To be killed by his nemesis--the cause of so many of our environmental woes--is just too much to bear.”

Although no one has yet been able to identify the driver or the unmarked van, witnesses at the scene said it looked as if the driver had been intending to run over Davenport.

“Man, that van was so rad!” exclaimed Ronnie Peterson, an eye witness to the crime. “It was totally huge and tough, like an urban assault vehicle. The glass was tinted, and the exterior almost looked bulletproof. I sure wish I had one of those to drive around the freeways in. I would look so bad-ass!”

When pressed to comment more about the driver, the witness replied, “Yeah, he looked like he was going for points, trying to hit that guy with the handful of bumper stickers. I caught a glance of the driver's hair and it looked pretty grim. He may have had a mullet. I couldn’t see his face, though.”

Inquiries are still being made in relation to the crime.

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Learn to Dance with Section's New HoloMaddie® Training Program

Holographic Madeline will teach you to dance in methodical, well thought-out steps. more...

Nikita Hands Mr. Jones His Cane

In an uncommonly touching moment, Nikita handed her estranged father his cane on Thursday night.

Mr. Jones, never happy without his cane for long, was grateful that Nikita carried it the necessary 2.5 feet to place it within his grasp.

Next week, Mr. Jones hopes that Nikita will bring his hat over from the hat rack.

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