What is life without personal challenge? How does one grow? How does one look in the mirror and feel accomplished fulfilled and satisfied? I asked myself these questions as I looked at myself in the mirror that day. I saw the face before me and knew the answer so clear, so sharp that the revelation emotionally cut as if it were glass. How does one look into the mirror everyday and feel joy in a life without personal accomplishment? One does not. I did not.
I went through the motions of my morning ritual. Body, teeth, face, towel, dress. What am I going to do to change this monotony? A monotony that I've grown comfortable with? What is stopping me from experiencing? It is a demon that holds us all in his clutches until we struggle so hard he has to let go. That demon is fear. I realized then, it is time for me to struggle. I fought to get my keys off the table and battled my way to the destination I had set for myself. All the way, I asked myself why I could not see behind the fear. What makes us so blind to these things in life that so many others are seeing and experiencing?
Then I realized it in the best terms I could. Fear builds large and seemingly unshakable walls in peoples lives. It prevents them from seeing, let alone experiencing, the exquisitely frightening thrill of life. Then one day an unavoidable change takes place within. The wall of fear shifts just enough to allow a glimpse of life to come through. Like a faint breeze, it passes over the mind, rustling the imagination, causing it to dance. What causes the wall to shift? For me it was the lethargy of monotony so overwhelming that the wall begins to crack and bits of fear begin to crumble. The war raged within me as I pulled up to the small shop, the red flag with the white stripe across it flapped in the wind as if welcoming me.
Taking a deep breath I step through the door, jumping as a sharp high-pitched bell announces my arrival. Shelves of both unfamiliar and familiar equipment were all around me. The smell of rubber, plastic and neoprene filtered through my nostrils making me feel a little lightheaded. Then there it was, my eyes settled upon my fears. The air tanks, the tubes, thick suits that must restrict and confine, of that I was sure. Anxiety began to fill me more than ever at the thought of not being able to move freely. The fear of trusting my breath, the very thing keeping me alive, to those tanks and those tubes envelops me. My hand reached for the door behind me.
Then a woman entered the room, stopping me from retreating. She radiated confidence and energy, I could see that her walls were small. She introduced herself as Ali. I told her I was just here for information on the classes. She knew people like me, the ones with the walls. Some came back in and signed up but most just went home and let the information disappear in their monotony. I had to decide what I was going to do with the information. She described what the experience would be like. Class was once a week, three classes would be in a classroom and three others would be in the pool. Then for two days we would be in the ocean doing our test dives.
She then guided me to the equipment. Fins, goggles, snorkels, hood, and gloves were all self-explanatory. Then she took me over to the 7mm wet suits. 7mm is very thick when you are pulling it on over your own skin. It becomes tight and confining. She explained that on top of the wet suit I would have to wear a weight belt up to 35lbs around my waist to hold me in the water because the wet suit is so buoyant I wouldn't be able to stand. I would bob on the surface like a giant piece of rubber. Then after the weight belt I would be wearing a Buoyancy Compensator or BC for short. A Buoyancy Compensator is a vest that not only attaches the air tank and breathing regulator to my back but would also inflate with air so I could float under the water without sinking like a stone or shooting straight to the surface. I would learn to control the amount of floatation I would have. Looking at everything that I had to wear made me feel the need to breath deeply, as if I was already burdened with all of the equipment.
I told her about my fear. She had sincere compassion in her eyes and reassured me that my fears were normal and founded. I blinked and stopped breathing for half a second. I repeated her words to myself, "my fears are normal." I could hear a large piece of my wall crumble away. She asked me if I had a partner to take the class with. I told her that my husband, Cedar, would be taking it too but he did not know that I was here. This was a battle for me to fight. I told her that my husband does no have a wall and he is the one that caused bits of my wall to break. She understood and mentioned that it works that way for most couples that came in. There were others like myself; I felt more pieces of my wall falling. I felt my hand reach for my purse. Then I was paying for two spots in the class. She handed me a small waterproof zippered pouch that contained our textbooks. I left the shop inhaling the fresh air.
It was Father's Day. Today our two boys were going to give their dad his gift. Actually, the oldest would, since the baby doesn't understand and just runs after his brother in excitement. Cedar sits on the couch and smiles as Jeff hands him the wrapped box. I watched his smile become a perplexed grin as he pulls out the odd pouch then watched it change to an excited grin when he saw the textbook inside. I knew there was no turning back now. This was to be my personal adventure and he was going to be my leader.
We slid into the small classroom desks in the back of the dive shop. Neoprene filled my nose making me dizzy again. Other students were filling the fourteen desks around us. Each of us has our own emotional mask on but nervous hands give us away. The upbeat salesperson, Ali, was our instructor. I was reassured again. She was calming. We talked of proper procedure, tides, how long we could stay under the water. We talked about illness and injury prevention. "Yes," I thought, "but what about confinement and restriction of movement? What about my fear? How can we prevent that?"
We're late for our pool class. I forgot to put my contact lenses in. I cannot wear my glasses under my goggles. I am not going to be able to see. Anxiety begins to fill me. We arrive at the pool. Everyone is already in their wetsuits with their buoyancy compensators and regulators hooked to their tanks. Someone hands me a suit. I will be adding 7mm of neoprene skin to my body. Already I feel the restriction. I climb half way in, pulling and yanking at the thick fabric, swearing as I feel a fingernail rip from my hand. Another instructor comes and yanks me into this constricting article. I pull the rest of my equipment from the bag; Neoprene hood, boots, flippers, snorkel, mask. I lay the gear along side the pool beside my BC, air tank, weight belt, and regulator. Panic is gripping me with every movement. I cannot bend my arms, my legs; the suit is crushing my causing me to have difficulty breathing. My heart is racing and I'm over-heating in my suit. Then Ali comes over, looks in my eyes, and says I'm going to be fine. I nod in agreement. I know I will be.
I jump into the pool and immediately pop to the surface like a cork. The 7mm suit is too buoyant for me to even stand in the water. Cedar grabs my 30lb weight belt and holds it up behind me while I buckle it around my waist. Breathing deeply I regain my balance and attempt to remind myself that I'm standing in only five feet of water. Cedar helps me into the rest of my gear talking me through it so I don't let my mind race.
Ali then demonstrates the skills she wants us to do for her on the bottom of the pool. All of the skills seem easy to handle, until she gets to "mask clearing". The purpose of learning mask clearing is to ensure that the diver will not panic if the mask fills with water. I watch as she closes her eyes and while breathing regularly through her regulator, tilts her head back and while cracking the bottom of her mask, exhales sharply through her nose causing the flow of air to blow all of the water out of the bottom of her mask.
Taking a final breath of fresh air, I put my mask on, the regulator in my mouth, and then sink to my knees in the pool. My breathing sounds so ragged that it startles me and I almost stand back up. Then I see Ali who is kneeling nearby and she gives me an O.K. signal with her fingers, I return the signal and stay on my knees.
I watch as others do the skill for her. Some students have a difficult time. That makes me feel better. She swims to me finally and I stare at her eyes through our goggles. She nods and pats my shoulder. I crack the top of my mask and close my eyes as I feel the cold water rushing over my nose and eyes. I panic. My breathing rhythm is interrupted by the flow of water over my face. My nose protests and wants to inhale the cold liquid. I surprise myself just a little. Instead of shooting to the surface I jerk my thumb in an upward motion letting her know I'm surfacing. She stands up with me and I rip my mask off. I apologize but she says it is all right and praises me for not panicking and shooting to the top. We go down and I try two more times, finally accomplishing it on the last try.
After 6 weeks of classes we are ready to go to Monterey and test our skills in the ocean. We arrive in Monterey and carry our gear to the beach. I stare out at the still water and feel fear coiling around in my stomach. I feel nauseated and I decide as I am putting my stuff on that there is no way I can accomplish this. There was no way I was going to be sitting on the bottom of the ocean in an hour. As we all slide into the water I grab Cedar and he can see the fear in my eyes. He tries his best to dampen my fears. My heart hammers in my chest as we swim two by two through the kelp out to the buoy that we will follow down to the sandy bottom.
We arrive at the buoy and we all group around Ali and her assistant instructor. She looks at each one of us and gives us the O.K. sign waiting for our signals in return. I giver her a shaky O.K. and she pats me on the shoulder. At this point, I turn and see shore approximately thirty yards away. Panic keeps rising in me in swells, up and down, up and down. I suddenly feel as if I am going to vomit. Then Cedar grabs me, puts his goggles to mine, and looks in my eyes. It was our turn to go down the buoy line and sit on our knees on the ocean floor. This was it; I knew I needed to do this. I cannot remember when I've backed out of a challenge as large as this one.
Grabbing the rope of the large white buoy I begin to let the air out of my BC and I begin to succumb to the weight of my weight belt. As I sink, I look at Ali and Cedar and the freezing water begins to cover my mouth, then my nose, and I look one last time at Ali before my eyes sink below the ocean. Then I am plunged into a different world, one that is dark and freezing. I begin to feel an overwhelming sense of panic as I try hard to see any sign of human life below me. I want to shoot to the top but I cannot because of pride and the fear of feeling humiliation. Cedar is coming down right above me and I know I need to keep moving.
Stopping every few feet to pressurize I suck air through my regulator trying hard to be calm. Finally, after about twenty feet I can see shapes of other students on their knees below me. All the air is now out of my BC and I drop like a stone to the sandy bottom beside the others. It is cold and freezing and I am terrified. As Cedar kneels beside me he looks at my eyes and sees that panic inside of me. I begin shaking my head from side to side and jerking my thumb in an upward motion to indicate that I want to surface, RIGHT NOW. Then Cedar points behind me; Ali is reaching for me and giving me the O.K. signal. She sees how panicked my eyes look and reassures me with pats and direct eye contact. I settle on my knees and take a deep cleansing breath to attempt to lower my heart rate. Finally, my heart slows a little and I begin to look around. We are all kneeling in a semi-circle linking our hands under each other's BCs to steady us against the mild current sweeping around us.
Ali then demonstrates the skills she wants us to do. The horrible challenging skill of clearing my mask is coming upon me. Once again, my heart rate accelerates and I feel a severe surge of anxiety overwhelm me. I can see her going to each person on my left. I try to look around but the dark green water in impenetrable with my eyes. Just as I am about to hit my full panic point, Cedar grabs me and does the most amazing thing. Into my hand, he puts the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It is a small crab with purple and yellow stripes that seem to shine from an unknown source of light. Chunks of my wall were falling rapidly. I realized that my breathing was steady and that my heart was not racing because of panic any longer, it was racing from excitement! I am now realizing why I'm down here, to experience. I'm here to look beyond my wall of fear and see the thrill and enchantment that life can offer.
It is almost my turn and I know at this point that I have to do it; I can't just stand up in the water and then try again. If I want to surface now I have to swim slowly upward and do a safety pressurization stop at fifteen feet for three minutes before my head can even break the surface for a breath of fresh air. So when I do this I had better do it right. Ali is now floating in front of me. She slides her fingers under the strap of my BC to steady me as I hand the crab back to Cedar. I get the O.K. signal from her and I want to cry. My fear has not been completely abated. As I asked her with signals if she could wait a second longer, Cedar's hand stretches out and points to Ali's arm. A bright red crab approximately 6-7 inches around was sitting on her arm. Ali just laughs but I am in awe once again. That was it; I knew I needed to get this done because there was too much wonder and beauty to see down here. Moreover, I did not battle through all these days of fear just to stop now and miss it all.
I give Ali the O.K. signal and she smiles behind her regulator, then I begin the horrifying skill of clearing my mask. I close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing trying to keep it strong and steady hoping that when the water touches my nose my breath will stay rhythmic. My hands move to my mask and crack it just a bit. My heart accelerates as the cold ocean water comes rushing across my face. I just keep telling myself to keep breathing but it does not happen. My breath feels like it has been cut off, I can't get any strong breaths and I start to make small panting inhales trying no to breath through my nose. My mask is full and I lay my head back and inhale as deep as I can and exhale out the bottom of my mask. I feel all of the water rush out of the bottom but am afraid to open my eyes until Ali pats me and gives me the O.K. sign. She claps her hands for me; we are both happy I made it through this. She knows about my wall and she can see me looking at her over the remains.
With a sense of accomplishment and joy like I have never felt before, I gently pull the crab from her arm. Holding it close to my face, I examine every inch of this new creature. As if I am a voyeur I lie on my stomach and watch the beauty happening around me. The life and colors all dancing around to their own music that I am privileged to overhear. This very large ugly part of my wall has fallen and I no longer fear this place or the road to get here. With the falling of this wall, others will fall as well. Then I will have a life of openness and experience. In this thought, I can feel the joy of what is to come but that joy still stands behind some fears.