when the words don't want to come
words of praise and accomplishment
elude me to no end
to say something nice about myself
is hard when i don't believe
this little girl grew older and more aware
and slowly she hid in the corner, cringing
waiting for someone to rescue her
from herself
outlandish behavior is easy to fake
the pretence of disregarding what others think
is simple
until someone you care about
tells you what you've thought all along:
...you're not enough
there's nothing special here
these brown doe eyes hold no special key
to unlock my soul
(unlike yours -
the brilliant blue doorway
to a beautiful spirit...)
the banality of my body
leaves nothing to cry out for attention
in this aesthetically beautiful world
straight brown hair
freckles galore
breasts neither large nor small
curves that fail to call out and captivate
i'm not a woman
if i can't shake my hips
and have men groveling at my feet
(like the sister before me)
what is a point of pride for me?
nothing is spectacular...
i have no full-fledged talents
-craftsman of many, master of none-
even in my intellect, i am always lacking
(especially compared to you)
but
this is nothing new
bred in a pack of geniuses
"smart" is no awesome feat
where being pleasantly outspoken is
vying for praise, acceptance
adults have always been the easiest to bait
as my own generation baffles me
and i can't introduce myself
(hi, i'm karen)
without becoming a bumbling idiot
grave insecurities,
the kind that leave you less of a human being,
have now been discovered
while rummaging through my heart
looking for memories of you to put aside
puzzled
over how i could have fooled myself for so long
denying how immature and childish i really am
and leaving me scared to be so delicate
in a bold world
