| Battle Bots Part 1: A Bad Month by Amanda Vaughan beta read by Jaimielee Rocket, Gypsie Jr., and KR Walker. rated: PG for some violence disclaimer: I don't own the MST3k characters. 'Battle Bots' is not my idea. It's a TV show on Comedy Central. I write for fun, not profit. ----------------------- The air was still and the night was always calm. That is, until Dick Richards decided to visit his garage. Then the still air and the calm night was destroyed by sound of buzz saws, hammering, sanding, soldering, and cursing whenever he inadvertently injured himself. Dick had a hobby that was very important to him. It took a lot of time and a lot of money, but that didn't matter to him. If he didn't have to work, he would practice his hobby throughout the day. As it were, the only time he could build was when Pearl Forrester was trying to sleep. Pearl hadn't been happy when Dick moved in next to her castle last month. He wasn't at all intimidated by her brow beating or her giant ape, Bobo. When she discovered that he was fond of making noise throughout the night, she had contemplated killing him. This particular night he was making more racket than usual. She looked at her clock. 'For crying out loud,' she thought, 'it's 1:30 in the morning! What could he possibly be doing?' She got up from her bed, put a robe over her jammies, and stormed down the hall to get Bobo and Brain Guy. No need to hassle her neighbor with out back up. Bobo's room was closer to hers than the Observer. So she went to him first. "BOBO!! GET UP!!" Pearl commanded as she pounded on his door. She waited a minute, but he didn't respond. Pearl opened his door and walked over to his bed. He was still asleep. How anyone could sleep through the racket was beyond her. She shook him awake. Bobo blinked his sleepy eyes and looked up at what had awakened him. The sight made him scream as through the most horrible monster he could imagine was standing above him, which of course, she was. Pearl was not a morning person. She was especially not a 1:30 in the morning person. "Shut up!" Peal commanded. "Go get Brain Guy. We're going to see what that Dick Richards is up to." Bobo immediately obeyed, grateful for the excuse to leave the hideous sight that was his master. After the Observer had been roused, the trio left Pearl's dark, dank, castle and went to pay a visit to Dick Richards. "Hello, Mrs. Forrester," Dick said amiably as she approached his garage. "Taking your monkey for a late night walk?" "It's not night anymore, Dick," Pearl said irritably. "It's morning. 1:30 in the morning to be precise." "And I'm not a monkey," Bobo chimed in. He hated being called a monkey. He was an ape, and not just any ape, a great ape. "Actually, its 1:52," Dick corrected as he looked at his watch. 'Wow! I've been up longer than I thought. She must not be a morning person,' thought Dick. "That's my point exactly," Pearl replied. "What are you doing at this hour of the morning? Why shouldn't I kill you?" "If you kill me, I'll never get to be on TV," Dick said with a smile. He didn't realize that she was quite serious."I've been building this!" Dick said as he stepped out of the way of Pearl's view, "This is my battle bot. I'm just about finished. At the competition next month I'm going to battle this fighting robot on TV. I call him the Buzzinator" Pearl looked down at the heavy-duty piece of machinery. It's didn't look like any robot she'd seen. This robot didn't have any head or arms, just buzz saws coming out at every possible angle. It occurred very slowly to her sleep-deprived mind that this was not an intelligent robot as she was accustomed to dealing with. It was only a remote-controlled machine. She looked back at its maker. Dick smiled amiably at her. Pearl thought about all the things that she'd like to do that would make his smile disappear. 'Maybe I'll get Brain Guy to send him up to the Satellite,' she thought. 'Nah, it'd be too good for him. Besides Nelson doesn't need any more company.' Still, Pearl couldn't allow this man to ruin her beauty sleep and get away with it. Slowly, a doubly wicked plan developed in her morally bankrupt brain. "You enjoy your little robot, Dick," Pearl said with an evil tone. "Enjoy it while you may. I'm sure your 'battle bot' will defeat its opponents." Bobo and Observer exchanged a puzzled look. Pearl hadn't killed this guy or ordered them to kill him, which was very unusual. Maybe Pearl had lightened up and instantaneously gained a heart. Maybe she wouldn't beat the tar out them tomorrow. Their hope was short-lived. Pearl grabbed them roughly by the arms and made her way back to her castle, cackling evilly as she half-dragged them home. Once there, she released her slaves and turned to the Observer. "Brain Guy, make a robot that will utterly destroy Dick's Buzzinator," Pearl commanded. "I will see him suffer a humiliating defeat on national television before I kill him." "Umm. Uh. That might be a problem," Observer stammered. He hated admitting there was something he couldn't do, especially when Pearl would probably punish him for it. "Why not? I thought you were omnipotent," Pearl asked. "I can snuff or ignite suns. I can make rocket ships out of thin air. I can travel across the stars," Observer said grandly. "But I don't know the first thing about robots." "Oh! Oh! Lawgiver, I know," Bobo said excitedly. "We can borrow one of the robots from the satellite!" "That has got to be the dumbest thing you've ever said," Observer complained. "Nelson's toys wouldn't last three seconds against the Buzzinator. They might last two seconds if they run quickly." "Hmm. Yeah, you're right Brain Guy," Pearl said with a sigh. "I'll just have to kill Dick without all the public humiliation" "Let's worry about it tomorrow, Pearl," Brain Guy said as he gently led her to her room. She looked depressed over her foiled plans, which was good for him. A depressed Pearl was less likely to knock his brain out of its dish. Once inside her room, Pearl took off her robe and climbed into bed. 'He's just about finished,' Pearl thought, 'maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight.' She immediately regretted her thoughts as she heard Dick sawing again. Unable to sleep, Pearl turned on the TV and watched 'Battle Bots' reruns on Comedy Central. Pearl didn't really get any sleep until Dick stopped around 5:00 a.m. The next morning Pearl tried not to think about Dick as her turned her sites above. It was time to torture all the captives on the Satellite of Love. She contacted Nelson and, as usual, he was disrespectful and sarcastic. He was especially disrespectful since she wasn't looking her best. "Good morning, Mrs. Forrester," Mike began. "Jeez, Pearl," Crow commented. "Having trouble sleeping? Or did you just forget to redo your make-up?" "Good morning, Nelly-boy," she said with a smug smile. She refused to be baited by those robots. "I've got a nasty movie for you. Bobo, what's their movie?" "Uhhhh." Bobo said as he tried to think quickly. Bobo had forgotten to go to Blockbuster and rent 'Wing Commander.' 'Oh, no! The Lawgiver will hurt me!' he thought correctly. "Bobo," Pearl said slowly, "don't you dare tell me that you forgot to get the movie."Bobo remained silent. Mike and bots began to cheer. Pearl screamed in sheer frustration. She hadn't had nearly enough sleep this whole month, her prisoners were making fun of her, and to top it all off, she didn't have anyway of hurting them at the moment. Dick may be able to escape humiliation, but Nelson would not escape her wrath. "That's it!" Pearl said. "Brain Guy bring a robot down! Nelson is not going to escape some form of torture. He can watch his precious robots battle the Buzzinator. It may not humiliate Dick, but it will definitely hurt Nelson!" "Which one?" Observer asked uneasily. "Uhhh. Both," she said. "Lawgiver, Dick said the next competition is next month," Bobo reminded her. "Do you want to keep his robots in the castle a whole month?" "No," Pearl said, thinking quickly. "Do we have any 'Battle Bots' episodes on tape?" "I have some. I'll go get them," Bobo said as her hurried to his room. He was a fan of Comedy Central and had taped a few episodes. "Smellson, I don't have a movie for you today," Pearl said evilly. "I do, however, have tapes of what I'm going to do with your robots!" "Here they are, Lawgiver," Bobo huffed. "Good. Bobo, arrange for our entrance into the 'Battle Bots' competition. Brain Guy, send them the tape. Nelson, live with the fear of what I will do," Pearl commanded. Aboard the satellite, the lights flashed and the klaxons roared. "We've got TV show sign!" Mike called before entering the theater. Once inside, the lone human took his seat between the bots. "Does either of you guys know about 'Battle Bots?'" Mike asked nervously. He didn't know what it was, but he didn't like the sound of it. "No," the bots answered with equal uneasiness. It was the first time the occupants of the theater watched in stunned silence. After viewing the first match, no one had the nerve make jokes. They watched as brutal machines tore into each other. Pickaxes hammered down. Buzz saws popped out of the floor and ripped apart wheels. Wedges flipped robots onto their backs. All in all, it was pretty gruesome to watch, if one happened to be a robot. Towards the end, Mike thought he heard someone whimpering, but he couldn't be sure. An hour later, it was over and the trio left the theater. "Mike! This is all your fault," Servo wailed. "I don't wanna die!" "It's okay. I'm sorry. I won't let it happen," Mike said soothingly. He had no idea how he would stop it, but he would do whatever he could. "Cry baby!" Crow teased. "I am gonna kick butt. Those tin cans won't know what hit them!" "Crow are you out of your mind?" Mike asked incredulously. "Those robots had buzz saws and hammers built right into them. How can you fight that?" "I can beat anything," Crow declared confidently. "I'm going to win." "I think he's in shock," Servo whispered to Mike. "Get a straight-jacket." "And after I beat the other robots," Crow declared positively, "I'm going to beat up Pearl and Bobo and Observer and bring everybody down to Earth." "WE'RE GONNA DIE!!" Servo wailed again. "Pearl's calling," Mike said with relief as he hit the button. He didn't know how to comfort Tom or talk some sense into Crow. "Enjoy the show Nellstone?" Pearl asked with relish. "You. . .you can't mean it," Mike stammered. "You can't send my little bots against those. . .those monsters." "I killed my own son," Pearl retorted gleefully. "How would this be any harder?" "Umm. If I were to get on my knees and beg, would there be any chance of you changing you mind?" Mike asked hopefully. He didn't really want to beg, but he was prepared to do so if necessary. "Hmm. Nope," Pearl replied. "How about if I kneel down and worship you? Dr. Forrester always seemed to like that," Mike said. He didn't feel the need to mention the fact that Dr. Forrester temporarily sucked the air out of the satellite to bring Mike to his knees. There wasn't really any need for Pearl to know that. "I'd like that, but it won't change my mind," Pearl said wickedly. "Enjoy your last few weeks with your toys." With that being said, Pearl cut the connection. Aboard the satellite, Mike leaned on the table to steady himself. He genuinely didn't know what to do. What could he do? "Come on, Servo," Crow said gleefully. "Let's get ourselves ready. We have a whole month to fix ourselves up so we can win." "Okay," Servo sniffled as he followed Crow off the bridge. In the weeks that followed, the bots locked themselves in Joel's old workroom. They wouldn't come out or let Mike in, not even for RAM chips. Mike didn't know what they were doing in there, but it sounded a lot like heavy machinery hard at work. The bots wouldn't come out, so Mike had to watch the movies alone. The bots didn't need air so they weren't forced into the theater. After the third week and the third movie, Mike begged the bots to come out so he wouldn't be alone. It's hard to riff movies by oneself. Crow and Servo were not moved by his pleas. The only response Mike received for his effort was the promise that they were almost done. As he neared the breaking point, Mike knew what he had to do. Mike was on the bridge and he hit the call button. Mike noticed that Pearl's looks had improved over the last few weeks. Well, they improved in so much as they reverted to their original state. She was also looked much happier knowing that the bots would soon be massacred and that Mike would probably break down completely soon after. "Hello, Mrs. Forrester. You're looking very well today," Mike said. He needed to butter her up for his plan to succeed. "Flattery will get you nowhere, Nelson," Pearl replied mockingly, "but keep it up." "There's just a few things I need to say to you," Mike said as he leaned closer to the monitor. "Please, please, please, please, please, don't send my robots into that arena," Mike began his pleadings. Over the course of several minutes, Mike tried several humiliating forms of begging, pleading, cajoling, and flattering, which, of course, didn't work. He even tried kneeling and bowing before her, but that didn't work either. His labors only elicited an evil cackle. Failing at that, Mike concentrated his efforts on Bobo and Observer. Mike tried his best to make them feel guilty. It worked so far as to make them feel guilty. However, they didn't feel guilty enough to go against Pearl. Finally, one month after Pearl threatened to send the bots into the 'Battle Bots' arena, Pearl called to collect the bots. Instead of from her castle, where she normally called, Pearl appeared to be calling from Las Vegas. Mike was sure he could make out Caesar's Palace in the background. Mike knocked on the workroom door. His knees felt like jelly. Both of his plans had failed and he didn't know what else to do. "Guys? Pearl's calling. It's time," Mike said. The door that had been closed for a month, suddenly opened and Mike stared in awe and fear at what stepped out. To be continued. . . |