A Chance Meeting of Mad Scientists
Part 3: The Man Who Knew Too Little
by Amanda Vaughan
beta-read by Bodger and Gypsy Jr.

Disclaimer: I still don't own any of these characters. Mike and the bots are owned by Best Brains, Inc. You probably already knew that. Tenchi characters are owned by somebody. Now on with the show.

------

Aboard the Satellite of Love, Mike Nelson was looking for the bots. Usually, they reappeared whenever he stopped screaming, but not this time. He was beginning to get concerned. Either they were missing (which was unlikely) or there was another prank about to happen (which was very likely). Mike tried to imagine what else the little robotic nightmares could have devised as he cautiously searched for them.

Mike walked onto the bridge-and gaped as a glowing door appeared out of nowhere and two familiar robots emerged from it. Mike had seen lots of strange things in his time. Off hand, he couldn't think of one that topped this.

"Mike, we found a way off the satellite!!" the bots exclaimed excitedly. They weren't sure if he was completely over their last prank. If Mike wasn't, they hoped to distract him from his rage with the hope of going to Earth.

"What? How?" Mike asked in excited bewilderment.

"We got transported off the satellite by the glowing door. We need you to pretend to be Joel and go to party with some girl, so we can all go to Earth," Crow said rapidly. Crow hoped to get the farmboy to agree quickly before Mike could argue or have any second thoughts.

"The glowing door?" Mike asked. "Wait! Why do I need to pretend to be Joel?"

"Well, we promised we'd deliver Joel to the lady who controls the door. She's looking for a date," Servo explained. "You'll like her Mike. She's. . .um she's a woman. And. . .umm. . .she's not ugly."

"So. . .some woman controls this magic door that leads off the Satellite of Love?" Mike asked uneasily. He instincts were telling him that this was not a good idea.

"Well, I don't think it's magic. More like she really did well in her science classes," Crow said. "Come to think of it, her place did look like a laboratory."

"She's another mad scientist!?!" Mike raised his voice in alarm. He wanted off the satellite but he didn't want to trade one loony overlord for another.

"Well. . . probably," Servo conceded. "But so what? It's a way off the satellite."

"Besides, she's looking for a date, not a guinea pig," Crow reasoned.

"Yeah, and Gizmonics said they wanted a temp," Mike retorted.

"Look, do you want off the satellite or not?" Servo demanded. He didn't know how long Washu would leave the door open and he didn't want to keep her waiting, not when she had RAM chips.

"Yeah, I guess so. What do I have to lose?" Mike said. "Hey! Wait! Why do I have to pretend to be Joel? Why can't I be myself?"

"She said she wanted to meet the brilliant mind that created us," Crow proclaimed proudly.

"What would you tell her? 'Hi, my name's Mike. I'm a farmboy from Wisconsin.' Sure, that'll impress her," Servo said sarcastically.

Mike timidly stepped up to the glowing door and gazed at it wonderingly. "Is it safe?" he asked.

Servo hovered in between Mike and door. "We've gone back and forth with no problems," he said.

"I don't know," Mike said.

"I do!" Crow declared as he shoved Mike hard through the doorway.

"Hey!" Mike yelled indignantly as he fell forward.

Servo screamed in terror and hovered forward at full thrust to avoid the body of the falling human. Mike fell through the door and landed in a dark room. Servo had safely hovered away and set himself down a few feet in front of Mike. The room was not completely black, but the low lighting made it difficult to determine the size of the room. The wall could've been three feet or three hundred feet away. Crow came through last.

"See. That wasn't so hard," Crow said mockingly.

Mike groaned inwardly as he saw the door fade away.

"Hello," said an unknown voice.

Mike could make out a figure about ten feet in front of him. He scrambled to his feet to meet the unknown.

"Okay, Miss Washu. One inventive genius as per your request," Servo said as he hovered toward her. "Now where are the RAM chips?"

"Here you go," Washu said, holding up a sizable bag of the delicious robot treats. "Now why don't you kids run along while the adults get to know each other?"

"Where should we go?" Crow asked as he grabbed the bag.

"My zoo of genetically engineered monsters is over there," Washu said. With a wave of her hand, a series of lights lit up the path to zoo enclosures.

The bots ran off to see the monsters, leaving Mike alone with the deranged scientist. Washu walked toward what she hoped would be a new friend. With another gesture, more lights illuminated the lab. It was much larger than Mike first thought. It was at least as big as an airplane hangar and filled with very high-tech looking machines whose purpose Mike could not even begin to imagine.

The scientist was also surprising. She was much shorter than he'd expected, although he wasn't sure what he had expected. In fact, she was just a tad taller than Crow. Her long hair was an interesting shade pink and her green eyes were oddly wide. Overall she was rather creepy, but not as scary-looking as other scientists that he'd seen.

Mike was not the only one who was surprised. 'Doesn't look like a genius,' Washu thought as she gazed at Mike. He didn't have a lab coat, just a jumpsuit, like any common grease monkey. His eyes didn't look right either. If the eyes were the windows to the soul, then this guy had the soul of a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. She decided to put her doubts aside and begin the conversation.

"So you're Joel," Washu began.

"Um. . .yeah. . .Joel. That's me," Mike said. He felt bad and foolish. He really didn't have any reason to lie to this woman. He was also very afraid she would find out he was faking. Mike knew the he'd be in serious trouble if she asked him any technical questions about the bots or any technical question about anything, for that matter. "So. . .um. . .mighty nice lab you have here," Mike said. "Um. . .the bots mentioned a party?"

"Yes. I didn't want to go alone," she said sheepishly. "So, your group needs transport off a satellite. How could you build such robots without being able to get yourself off?"

"Ummm. . .I'm really short-supplied," Mike said, hoping she would stop this line of questioning. "Thanks for bringing me down to Earth."

"No problem for a genius like me," Washu declared immodestly.

"So when and where's the party?" Mike asked.

"In a few hours, in dimension zeta," Washu replied. "Where did you get the idea to use VCR pieces to build robots? And why not just use the pieces to build a control box for the satellite?"

"Umm. . .inspiration does odd things to the mind," Mike said thinking as quickly as he could. "Umm. . .dimension zeta, as in a whole other dimension that isn't this one?"

"Yeah," Washu said slowly. "You do realize you're in another dimension, right?"

"I am?" Mike squeaked. His heart filled with despair, another dimension meant he was even farther from his home than ever before.

Washu didn't like this one bit. How could he not know he was in another dimension? Since when did big glowing doors lead to other places in the same dimension? Surely, her eyes must seem oddly huge to him. She was beginning to doubt this guy was a genius, but she wasn't one to make assumptions. Washu would investigate and experiment to determine the truth.

Mike watched Washu's wide eyes narrow with increasing dread. Did she know he wasn't Joel? Or did she just suspect it? What would she do to him?

"I think your brain must be quite amazing to devise the robots the way you did," Washu said slowly, the keyboard appeared at her fingertips. "I need to record and examine the particulars of such a brain."

With that being said, the scientist began typing. Mike backed away and looked around trying to figure out what to do. Was she going to scan his brain harmlessly like in Star Trek or was she going dice it up like the mice from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? Mike didn't want to find out. Mike thought about running toward the bots, but going through this mad woman's zoo of genetically engineered monsters didn't seem safe.

Before Mike could bolt away aimlessly like a scared rabbit, metal tentacles wrapped around his arms and legs and lifted him into the air. Mike tried to see where the tentacles were coming from but the lighting lowered and he couldn't see where they began. All he could see was the diminutive scientist typing away.

"Why'd you turn out the lights?" Mike asked. He wanted to ask a sensible question like 'would you please let me down?' but, for some unknown reason the lowered lights bothered him more.

"The lower light levels make it easier for my scanning instruments to record your brain patterns," Washu said. "Please hold still for the scanner."

A metal cylinder came down from the ceiling and stopped when it was about level with Mike's head. It was similar to the ones that examined the bots, except that this one was much more advanced. It was bigger and covered with shiny lights and buttons. Mike didn't know if it would hurt or kill him and was determined not to find out. He struggled against his bonds with all of his strength and tried move his head out of range of whatever that scanning thing was.

"You're not holding still," Washu chided.

"No kidding," Mike said. "I don't want my brain scanned."

"I wonder why," Washu said as she started typing again. "What do you have to hide?"

"Who's hiding anything? I just don't want to get hurt," Mike said.

"Hurt? Don't worry. My scanners are almost entirely painless," Washu assured.

"Crow!?! Servo!?!" Mike called out, "I need some help!"

Mike still wasn't holding still, but it no longer mattered. Washu sent a few smaller tentacles to wrap around his head to hold it in place. When she was satisfied the scanning wouldn't be ruined, she began. A vertical strip of blue light emanated from the scanner and moved across Mike's head. It wasn't exactly painful, but it
certainly wasn't pleasant. The light left a pins-and-needles sensation all over his head.

Washu was about to let him down when she looked over the preliminary data. It wasn't at all right. The scientist didn't know exactly what kind of person this Joel was, but he definitely wasn't a genius. She decided to leave the man hanging until she determined what he was and if he was a threat.

The brain patterns were far too symmetrical to be a genius. A genius had wildly asymmetrical neuron firing patterns. This guy's brain halves looked like mirrors of each other. According to the advanced data, this guy wasn't all scientifically inclined; he was completely lost around computers, car engines, or robots. All in all, it looked like the brain of an English major, a Sci-Fi writer at best. Washu walked in front of her prisoner.

"You did not build the bots, did you Joel?" Washu asked unhappily.

"No, my name's not Joel, either. I'm Mike," Mike replied shamefully.

"I'm a farmboy from Wisconsin," he added pitifully.

"Why the deception?" Washu asked.

"We wanted to get off the satellite," Mike said quietly.

"Well, this has been a complete waste of my time," Washu said in an annoyed voice.

"Washu! Washu!" a soft voice called. "Washu, it's time for dinner!"

Mike faintly heard the clatter of approaching feet. When feet arrived a few seconds later, Mike could see that the feet were attached to a young child. It was
the strangest child Mike had ever seen. This kid had the worst case of pinkeye that Mike had ever seen. Her hair was an unnatural shade of blue, too. At least, it was unnatural from Mike's point of view. 'Maybe her eyes and hair are supposed to be that color,' Mike thought. 'She doesn't look sick.'

"Oh. Sorry to interrupt anything," the blue-haired, pink-eyed child said as she approached.

"Hey, Sasami. It's okay. This isn't very important anymore," Washu replied.

"Who's this Washu? Is he coming to dinner, too?" Sasami asked.

"Yes!" Mike said quickly, hoping for a way out of this madwoman's lab. "I would love to eat some dinner."

Sasami looked at Washu, who looked up at Mike.

"Sure, why not?" Washu said as typed the release command. None of the data indicated Mike was dangerous. The tentacles unwound themselves and returned to
wherever they came from. In an unusual display of coordination, Mike landed on his feet and immediately ran his hands over his face to make sure all of it was still there.

"Hey, Washu! We want more RAM chips!" Crow yelled as he came running back. Servo hovered a few feet behind him.

"Ohhhhh! They're so cute!" Sasami cried. "Did you make them Washu?"

"No and neither did Mike," Washu said resignedly.

"Oh, Mike. You didn't even make it to the party before spilling the beans," the annoyed Servo complained. "You're completely hopeless."

"Hi, little guy. I'm Sasami," the blue-haired child said as she bent down to meet Servo. "What do you guys like to eat?"

"Well, as robots, they don't have to eat anything," Washu explained, "but these guys seem to like RAM chips."

"I don't know how to make RAM chips," Sasami admitted with disappointment. She liked cooking for other people.

"I'll show you later if you want," Washu said distractedly. "It's not hard."

"This way," Washu beckoned as she walked through a black hole in the air. She was disappointed with her finds and wanted nothing more than a good dinner. Sasami followed without a second thought. The bots hesitated a second before following her. Mike hesitated a full three seconds before plunging into the abyss.

Mike came out of the blackness into a Japanese dining room. Everyone was already seated. The bots gestured for him to sit down next to them, which he did. Mike marveled at the five women. Only one had what he considered normal hair. There were three men, also. They were definitely a grandfather, father, and son. The family resemblance was striking.

"Everybody. This is Mike," Washu said. "Mike this is everybody."

That was the most elaborate introduction Washu felt like giving. She was still pretty mad about the deception. 'Maybe I won't send him home,' she thought, 'maybe I'll keep him around as a janitor, or a lackey, or a lab-rat.' They were just idle thoughts. She wasn't terribly vindictive by nature. Washu quickly cast Mike out of her mind and concentrated on more important things. She still needed a genius to take to the convention.

Servo hovered towards the plates. He flailed his ornamental arms at his chopsticks, only to succeed in knocking them to the floor. Servo growled in frustration. 'Why didn't Joel build me with functioning arms?' Servo asked himself for what seemed like the hundredth time. Crow snickered at his misfortune until Sasami acted.

"Oh, you poor thing," Sasami said. "No one goes hungry at my table."

Sasami picked up the little red robot and set him on her lap. She also picked up his fallen chopsticks in one hand and her own in her other hand. She held food to Servo's beak with the chopsticks in her left hand and fed herself with the chopsticks in her right hand.

Servo thought about protesting. He wasn't a baby and he didn't want to be treated like one. On the other hand, it wasn't every day he had a human wait on him hand and foot. Besides, Servo could tell that Crow was insanely jealous of the royal treatment. He blew a raspberry at Crow and ate his dinner. Though how Servo could blow a raspberry without lips or a tongue is a mystery for the ages.

Over the course of dinner, Tenchi and Mike traded origins. Tenchi explained that the girls weren't his cousins, sisters, or lovers, as Mike originally guessed. They were just five alien women from other planets that needed a place to stay. Mike got the impression that all of the young ladies were very interested in Tenchi. Of course, it was hard not to get that impression when the light-green haired girl, called Ryoko, put her arm around Tenchi. Mike watched as the purple-haired, princess Ayeka, turned red. Tenchi laughed uncomfortably trying to diffuse bomb that was about to go off. Mike almost felt sorry for him, but he had spent the last couple of years trapped on a satellite with no female contact, save Gypsy. That being the case, Mike really couldn't feel sorry for a guy living with five beautiful women. Heck, it took all of his virtue not to become insanely jealous.

Mike and bots talked about their own problems. They talked about the Satellite of Love, the lousy movies, and Dr. Forrester's mad ambitions to take over the world with bad media. Mike didn't notice, but Washu perked up, when he mentioned the mad scientist. As Mike was talking, Washu felt suddenly guilty. She regretted what she had done. She couldn't believe what she'd done to another sentient being. To think that she, a well-known scientist, had shanghaied another scientist's guinea pigs. She might even have ruined his experiment. That would be unconscionable. She would have to put Mike back where she found him and apologize to this Dr. Forrester.

"Who built the bots?" Washu asked when Mike had finished talking.

"A guy named Joel built the bots. He left the satellite in an escape pod. They sent me up to replace him," Mike explained.

"Do you know where he is now?" Washu asked, maybe she could still find this guy.

"He landed somewhere in Australia, but that was awhile ago. We don't know where he is now," Servo responded.

"Ummm. . .Will you please send me back to my own dimension?" Mike asked politely. He liked being on earth, but this wasn't his earth and he didn't want to end up spending the rest his life in Sliders reruns.

"I think you should send him home, little Washu. I'm sure he's very sorry about lying to you," Tenchi said. Although he really did feel badly for Mike and wanted him to get home, he was more concerned about the prospect of another houseguest.

"All right. No hard feelings. I'll send you home after dinner," Washu said sweetly.

"Any of you ladies can join us," Crow said. "You can leave this cramped house for a lovely satellite with a view."

"Crow!" Mike admonished out of habit.

"What?" Crow responded. "There are plenty of empty rooms they can stay in. Besides, I thought you were lonely. I could certainly do with more interesting company?"

"That's not the point," Mike began.

"Hey!" interrupted Servo, "So I'm not interesting enough for you anymore!"

"Oh, poor things," Mihoshi said, "I'll keep you company for awhile. A little vacation would be nice."

Ryoko and Ayeka quickly agreed that it was a good idea. It would be one less female to compete with. With any luck, Mihoshi would fall for Mike and never come back. The dumb blonde, Mihoshi, wasn't romantically interested in Mike, but she had a pitying heart. She wouldn't mind spending a few days on his satellite. Nobody should have to be alone. Besides, it could be fun.

Dinner was just about over when a plaintive mewing emanated from a creature on Sasami's shoulder. Ryo-Ohki looked like a cross between a rabbit and a cat. Actually, Ryo-Ohki was transforming space ship, but that was not really relevant to the story. She had been jealous of Servo all night. Sasami had not petted her once the whole dinner or hand-fed her carrots because Sasami had been too busy caring for the red gumball machine.

"Not now, Ryo-Ohki," Sasami scolded. "You can feed yourself."

"Yeah, buzz off pussy cat," Servo quipped.

Ryo-Ohki decided that she really didn't like these new creatures. To make her dislike more obvious, she growled, pounced on Servo, and attempted to scratch him to death. There was some chaos as Mike and Sasami pulled Ryo-Ohki off of the terrified robot. Sasami took the offensive creature outside while Mike comforted the scratched robot.

"Mike, look at these scratches," Servo complained.

"It's okay. I'll buff them out when we get home," Mike assured.

Sasami apologized for Ryo-Ohki's behavior. Fortunately, the rest of dinner went on without further trouble.

"Fine then, it's settled," Washu said as his put her chop sticks down. "The train to dimension H-42 leaves now."

"Umm... that's our dimension, right?" Mike asked.

"Yeah, that's your home dimension," Washu replied.

"Just give me a minute to pack a few things," Mihoshi said as she ran upstairs.

"Come on. She'll meet us in the lab," Washu said as she led Mike and the bots to the stairs. What Mike thought was a closet under the stairs was actually a doorway to Washu's lab. Once inside the lab, they waited patiently for Mihoshi.

"That's it," Washu said as her patience thinned. "You're going now. Maybe I'll send her to you later."

Washu typed some commands and the trans-dimensional glowing doorway appeared (not to be confused with the black hole doorways, which are not trans-dimensional). Mike and the bots hustled through before the mad scientist could change her mind.

"Wait! Washu! I'm coming," Mihoshi called.

"Go right on through," Washu said.

Mihoshi stopped in front of the door and waited a minute to catch her breath before going through. After Mihoshi stepped through, Washu checked to see how much time she had to find a date to the convention. If worse came to worse, she could still take Mike. He wasn't very bright, but he would do in a pinch. There wasn't much time. Washu stepped through the glowing door and onto the Satellite of Love. Maybe she could still find Joel.

To be continued. . . .