My One True Love
By Bodger

She sat up, brushed herself off, and tried to recover her bearings.

'Okay, the last thing I remember is that weird scientist guy telling me to dust that weird viewscreen-thingy. Then...' She frowned, and realized she didn't remember much after that.

She looked around, and noted she appeared to be in some sort of sci-fi set-up. Random tubes and control panels were inbedded in the walls, creating a space-station feel to the whole place. The room itself looked as though it were some sort of loading bay. She looked down, and found she was currently wearing a jumpsuit. This was especially odd and perturbing, as she knew for a fact she hadn't been wearing it prior to her lost time.

She quickly zipped down the front, and was relieved to find her normal clothing still underneath.

'Well, at least I wasn't stripped,' she thought, fighting off a roaring headache that was just finally beginning to come to the forefront.

She put her hand behind her head and grimaced as she found traces of dried blood, confirming the fact that she'd been knocked out from behind.

She heard footsteps. Startled, she turned towards the one door into the room, and watched it slide open.

Most people would've noticed the strange, piece-meal robots which stood to the sides of the man who entered, as they were certainly unusual. Beyond the fact that they were clearly cobbled together from various odds and ends (particularly the one who looked like a gumball machine), the fact that they were moving at all should've amazed her.

Instead, however, she found herself staring at the sleepy-eyed stranger who was currently looking at her. The deep blue of his eyes perfectly complimented the soft brown hair which framed his gentle features. He was looking at her with such a gleam of compassion in his eyes that she would've melted on the spot, if she could.

In the back of her mind, she vaguely made out a voice. "Lemme guess, Dr. Forrester lured you into his lab, right?"

It was from the red bot. She nodded, still gazing dreamily at the beautiful sight which greeted her.

"Knocked out?" the gold bot asked.

She nodded again.

"And now you've fallen head over heels for Joel here, am I right?"

She blinked, and blushed. "Uh..."

The red bot sighed. "Thought so. Follow me."

She frowned, got up, and followed the red bot. As she passed the man she now knew as Joel, he shrugged in a sort of nonchalant, slightly apologetic way, and she fell for him more.

Following the bot through the halls, her mind wandered to various romantic thoughts. Candlelit dinners, walks in the park, a little coffee and some --

"Ah, here we go!"

The red robot hovered up and opened the door. She gawked.

At least half a dozen young women in varying colors of jumpsuits were milling around. Some were glaring at each other menacingly, others seemed to have warmed to each other a little more, but the air of disdain was still prevalent. A large pitcher of juice was set up on a table in the back, with cups stacked up to the side. Also present was a party plate filled with various garden vegetables, some Hostess snack cakes, and cookies.

The women turned and glared at the newcomer. She gulped.

"Get in line," said the red bot gruffly.

*****

"Y'know, this is starting to border on ridiculous, Joel. When's Doctor Forrester gonna remember the OTHER girls he sent up?" asked Tom, irked.

The three were on the bridge, discussing the current situation. In the past few months, several new people had arrived at the Satellite, and not a single one of them had been a man. This would've been odd enough, if it hadn't been for the fact that each and every one of them had fallen for Joel in some way or another, whether it be love at first sight or a sort of slow, gradual thing.

This wouldn't have bothered Joel at all under normal circumstances. He may have been considered to be a "gentle soul," but he was also a man, and the idea of having so many women find him to be so wonderful would've been flattering, to say the least.

Trouble was, after the third or fourth woman who'd declared him to be her "one true love," it was beginning to get a little irksome. Furthermore, the women were beginning to argue among themselves over who actually "deserved" Joel, and the fights tended to be violent, crude, and a strain on Joel's nerves. It was also a strain on Joel's limbs, as half the time he found himself in the middle of the arguments, with a woman on every limb pulling.

It was, to say the least, an ordeal.

"I'm not sure, Tom. Maybe this is just another way for Dr. F. to drive me nuts or something," Joel replied, massaging the bridge of his nose.

"Hey, what are you complaining about? Lots of beautiful women, all willing to devote their lives to you... you're a real pimp, Joel!" chuckled Crow.

Joel glared at him. "Crow..."

Crow sighed. "I know, I know. I just wish at least ONE of them would look my way," he said sorrowfully.

"You're a robot, Crow. I think you'll find very few women are sexually attracted to polybedenum," Tom commented.

"Oh, shut up. I can dream, can't I?" Crow sobbed slightly.

Joel patted the gold bot's back. "There there, Crow, don't worry. I'll make another girl bot or something, how's that?"

Tom snickered. "I dunno, Joel, that could count as incest."

"Oh, look who's talking Mr. 'I want to date Gypsy,'" Crow shot back.

The two bots glared at each other, but Joel intervened. "All right, all right, I don't need you guys fighting as well," he stated.

The bots settled down. "Still, you could make a lot of money off of this, Joel. 'The Joel Robinson Fan Club!' You could sell t-shirts, lunch boxes, recordings of our theater sessions..." Tom began.

"Inflatable dolls," Crow added, snickering.

Joel blushed. "Now, I don't think we should be exploiting these women like that, guys. Women are to be respected, and if they have a little crush or something, we can't make money off of it. Besides, one of them already started something," he explained.

"Oh, you mean that 'Joel Plane' thingie," Tom said.

"You mean you actually visited that site?" Crow gaped.

Tom shrugged. "It was good for a laugh. 'Clean sheets on Satellite floors --'"

Crow gulped. "Oh, ye Gods, Tom, spare me PLEASE."

Joel blushed even more deeply. "Well anyway, we're gonna have to do something before --"

The sound of the bay door opening and closing greeted their ears. Joel winced. "Ah crap."

The trio looked at each other. "Shall we start the welcome wagon?" asked Crow.

"Guess so," sighed Tom, and the trio headed towards the bay.

*****

The woman opened her eyes and touched the back of her head gingerly, feeling a lump. She wondered where she was...


*Tenchi Syndrome: [TEN-chi SYN-drome] (n) A situation in which a large number of women with varying characteristics find themselves attracted romantically to one man; typically, that man is considered to be very sensitive and caring. Such syndrome can be dangerous, as it leads to a great deal of altercations between the women...*

END

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Author's Note: This isn't actually meant to cause any offense to people. Rather, it's a sort of satirical poke at the recent spate of self-insertion MST3K fanfic that's been appearing. I apologize if people get annoyed by it, but I do like satirizing fanfiction sometimes.

MST3K is property of and (c) by Best Brains Inc. All rights reserved. 'The Joel Plane' is a riff on a rather infamous "Joel only" fan magazine which, while only going to about two issues, can be deeply scarring for those who don't share quite the same feeling of, um, DEVOTION to Joel.

Thanks to Stephanie Watson for proof-reading.