Counting Crows
by Bodger (bodger@homestead.com)

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Well cripes, other people are writing most TTPCTS Club fics than I am! Better get in gear!

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Less that a week after the opening of the TTCPTS Club, a few unforseen drawbacks were discovered, and they were all named Crow.

It has been generally accepted that Crow in any one spot at any one time will result in some sort of practical joke. Amplified with Tom Servo, the practical joke will tend to become somewhat more elaborate.

Of course, with one Crow's Tom Servo currently serving Pina Coladas to a grumpy group of Sonic the Hedgehog fictives, the Crow in question was finding himself having to make due with a few minor practical jokes -- tacks on chairs, buckets over doors, etc. Or at least this was the case until Joel gave him a severe talking to about the idea of scaring off customers. While Crow still did not entirely grasp the concept, he did not wish to make Joel mad at him, and stopped.

He was bored within three hours.

He fidgeted on one of the corner seats in the bar, watching various patrons enter and exit. 'Maybe if I went to one of the other places I could find something to do,' he thought, then shook his head. 'Wait, if I screw up anywhere else Joel will hear about it, and he won't be happy.'

He sighed. 'This bites.' He walked over to where Tom was at the bar. "Hey Servo! When do you go on break any--" he began.

"Can't talk right now, Crow, got customers to serve!" he shouted back.

"Hey barkeep! Where's my drink?!" shouted Sonic.

"It's coming! Hold your horses! Sheesh!" He hurried away.

Crow huffed. "Yeah, well screw you too, Servo!" He headed back to the corner.

People watching was boring. Occasionally a total babe would come in, but that was about the only thing that caught Crow's attention during the whole process.

The only thing, that is, until Mike Nelson entered the bar -- with another Crow in tow.

"Hey Tom, what's u-- ACK!" Mike jumped as a parrot suddenly flew out of nowhere and landed on his shoulder.

"Talk to me baby!" the parrot shouted with glee.

"Hey Mike! Don't mind the parrot, another you found him. Keep him busy while I take care of these guys!" shouted Tom over the ruckus of the dissatisfied furries.

Mike stared bewilderedly at the colorful bird. "I'm huge!" it exclaimed.

"Sounds like Servo's been teaching it," the new Crow said.

"Uh-huh. Look, why don't you go somewhere while I try to figure out how to deal with this," requested Mike.

"What? Fine. Don't think I could take dealing with a half-cocked Servo clone anyway," muttered the new Crow, walking away.

"Haikeeba," the parrot merely said in reply.

The first Crow, detecting a companion, suddenly began waving his arms (or more precisely his body, since he had no working arms). "Yo! Over here!" he shouted.

The second Crow looked towards the first Crow. "Whoa! Wow! Hey Crow!" He joined the first Crow in the corner.

"Hey yourself! Where's your guys' Servo?" asked Crow I.

"Feh. Got a new shipment of underwear in. He's gonna be busy looking through it for the next day or so," replied Crow II petulantly.

"Geez! What is it with Servo and that stuff?" Crow I wondered.

"Danged if I know. I mean, it's just not right!"

The two Crows were shaking their heads at the strangeness of Tom's hobbies just as another Joel entered with his own Crow in tow.

"Talk to me, baby!" the parrot shouted to them.

"Whoa! Mike's got a real bird with him! That's a first!" wisecracked Crow III.

"Crow..." Joel chastised.

"I know, I know, no mocking people I'm not supposed to have met yet." He sighed noisily. "Shall I just go sit in a corner and mope then?"

"Aww, don't be that way. Look, we'll only be in here for a short while, then we'll head back up to the Satellite and you can pull as many pranks as you'd like," Joel told him comfortingly.

"Whatever." He headed off towards the back.

"Hey! Join us!" shouted Crow II to their latest clone.

Crow III looked in their direction. "Huh? Whoa, talk about seeing double! Yeah, what the hell." He joined the duo just as a fourth Crow entered.

"Whoa, this place is packed. Geez, guess Bodger was onto something after all," said the newcomer Crow. He spotted the trio of gold robots in the back corner and walked over to them.

"Hey! Mind if I join ya?" he asked.

"Sure! Join the fun!" replied Crow III. The new Crow joined them.

The four thus assembled, they began discussing their various situations. As it turned out, one was from an alternate MST3K world where Joel had lived for ten years on the Satellite, one was from a setting shortly after the crash of the Satellite, one MiSTed
fics with Joel and an anime character, and one did the same except with three avatars and an SI.

"Whoa, that's wild. And every single Servo is too damn busy to bother being with us, eh? Hmph," grumbled Crow II.

"Well actually, I never had a Servo on my Satellite, but it's just as boring," replied the fourth Crow (who was found to have "Crow 2" engraved on the small of his back).

"Pfft. Guess the only ones who can keep us entertained is ourselves, eh?" said Crow I.

It was if a lightbulb suddenly went off in each bot's head, and a slow grin (or as close to one as they could come, lacking teeth and lips) slowly spread across their faces.

"That doesn't sound like such a bad idea..." said Crow III.

***

Crow peeked his head into Joel's office. "Hey Joel!"

"Hey Crow."

"Just steppin' out for a bit, you mind?"

"Nah, just stay out of trouble."

"Okay!" Crow headed from the main part of the club to the back door down the hallway. Shrugging, Joel returned to the ardurous and nearly impossible task of figuring out the finances of a Subreality-based establishment.

Crow peeked his head into Joel's office. "Hey Joel!"

"Hey Crow."

"Just steppin' out for a bit, you mind?"

"Nah, just stay... wait, didn't you just leave now?"

Crow blinked. "Don't know what you're talking about. I've been in the bar for the past two hours," he replied.

"Uh, okay..."

"Thanks!" Crow headed from the main part of the club to the back door down the hallway. Joel stared for a moment, shook his head, and returned to his work.

Crow peeked his head into Joel's office. "Hey Joel!"

"Hey Cro-- okay, what's going on here?"

"Huh? What do you mean?" asked Crow, confused.

"Look, don't try to pull one on me. I've said this to you TWICE, I know I have. Now I wanna know what the heck you're trying to pull here!" demanded Joel.

Crow shook his head. "Look, Joel, I've been sitting in the bar for the past two hours doing nothing. I have no idea what you're talking about!" he argued.

"Yeah right. So the past two times I saw you walking down the hallway was just my imagination," retorted Joel.

"Could be. You know, bureaucracy in Subreality is a lot more confusing than in real life, and they DO say that mental problems can be caused by overwork. Maybe you're beginning to hallucinate or something. I dunno," Crow reasoned.

"Crow..."

"Come on, Joel! Don't act so suspicious all the time! Now I'm gonna take off -- you mind?"

Joel stared at him for a moment, trying to put things together. Finally, defeated, he sagged. "...All right, but stay outta trouble, okay?" he requested weakly.

"Thanks Joel!" Crow took off down the hallway.

Joel sighed and looked back at his work. 'Yeah, maybe I AM a little overworked,' he thought. 'Still, it's gotta be done.'

He began again.

Crow peeked his head into Joel's office. "Hey Joel!"

Joel cradled his head in his hands. "I am not hearing this. I am NOT HEARING THIS."

"Huh? Whatever, Joel. See ya!" Crow took off down the hallway.

***

Outside the back entrance, the four Crow high-fived each other. "Job well done, men! What next?"

***

"...and I'm tellin' ya, she warps my character something fierce. I'm just a farmboy from Wisconsin! I don't have any deep secrets!" Mike downed his Guinness.

"Ooh, sounds rough. Well, them writers are a screwy bunch, right? replied Tom Servo sympathetically, polishing a glass.

"No kidding," replied Mike, staring with some consternation at the other version of himself at one of the tables sharing a drink with the parrot on his shoulder.

"And another thing -- oh, hey Crow. CROW! Wow, a normal Crow! You know how long it's been since I've seen one?" exclaimed Mike.

Crow stared at him. "Uh, right," he said finally. This Mike must've had one hell of a twisted writer.

"Hey! Join me for a drink, will ya? But, uh, I don't know what robots drink..."

"Yeah, but you don't know much about bots at all, do you Mike?" said Crow's voice.

Mike looked at Crow sharply as he sat at the bar. "Geez, that was kinda mean, don't you think?"

"What was mean, Mike?" asked Crow, looking at him with a bewildered look on his face.

"Well, you just said... I mean, about me and robots..." Mike stammered.

"Can't imagine what you're talking about, Mike. You must be hearing things," replied Crow. "Yo Servo! How 'bout a brewsky here?"

Mike blinked. "Uh, yeah, hearing things. That's it." He rallied his thoughts together as Tom brought Crow the requested order. "So, how've you been?"

"Thankfully not as good as you look, or else I'd be feeling really crappy," replied Crow's voice.

"Hey! What'd I do to deserve that?" asked Mike angrily.

Crow looked up, startled. "What? What are you talking about?"

"That nasty comment just now! Why'd you say that?"

Crow looked offended. "Mike! I cannot believe you'd accuse me of such a thing! Would I insult you, my good friend?" he asked, chagrinned.

"Well actually --" Mike began.

Crow gasped in shock. "Mike! I'm offended that you think of me in such a way!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, not to mention your body odor," added the voice.

"HEY! There, ya did it again!" Mike pointed out.

"Did you SEE my mouth move, Mike?" retorted Crow.

"Well, no, not really... but you're a robot! Maybe you've got some kind of extra speaker or something around you..." Mike looked around Crow's body futilely.

"Cut that out, ya jerk! That's it, I'm outta here!" Downing his drink, Crow stormed out of the bar.

"Wait, Crow, I didn't mean... hey, Crow! Geez, I'm sorry man!" Mike called after him.

"Oh, don't worry about Crow, Mike. He's probably just pushin' your buttons," replied Servo, taking Crow' glass. 'Or "they", to be more precise,' he added mentally.

Mike, looking somewhat mortified, sat back at the bar. "Yeah, you're probably right," he said, somewhat distantly.

"I know I'm right! Now don't you worry about that ol' gold bot, I'm sure he's just fi--ACCCK!"

Tom's words were cut off as a spray of Guinness suddenly erupted from the tap and hit him square in the bubble dome, cracking it slightly. As he and Mike attempted to get the renegade tap under control Crow 2, sniggering, snuck away unseen. The tap eventually died down, but not before Tom and both Mikes (the first rushing to their assistance the moment the accident occurred) were thoroughly drenched.

They stood, dripping. "Addendum, Mike -- he's going to be just fine until _I_ get my little hands on him," growled Tom.

***

"Hoo hoo! Two with one stone!" exclaimed Crow III. "Crow 2, that last little gag was a stroke of genius!"

"Well, I had to get out somehow, so I figured why not do it with a bang?" replied Crow 2, somewhat immodestly.

"Hah! Couldn't have done it better myself! What's the plan now?" asked Crow II.

"We'll play it by ear, men, we'll play it by ear," answered Crow I.

***

"You have GOT to do something about all those Crows, Joel! You can't just have 'em running around helter-skelter like that!" shouted an irate, cracked and dripping Tom Servo.

Joel, who had been lying down with a wet rag over his head trying to alleviate the headache he'd received from the multiple sightings, lifted the towel and looked at Tom Servo with an eyebrow raised. "'Crows,' you say?"

"Yeah! They all got together just this morning, and they're DRIVING ME UP THE WALL!!" screamed the small robot, red in more ways than one.

Joel thought for a moment. "Don't worry, Tom, I think I can come up with something..."

***

The Crow crew was kicking back after pulling yet another successful prank involving another Tom Servo and a fifty-ton vat of Jello when it happened.

They could hear the sounds of footsteps coming from the back hallway. Cackling, Crows II, III and 2 ducked under the table as Joel emerged from the back.

"Why Joel! How are you? Feeling any better?" Crow I asked, barely keeping down the urge to snicker.

"Actually, yes. Could you possibly see me in the back room?" Joel requested.

"Why, certainly Joel! I can't imagine why, but I'm always happy to help out!" replied Crow I.

Joel nodded and headed towards the back. Crow I looked at the Crows below the table. "Don't worry 'bout a thing, guys, I can handle this," he said.

The other Crows nodded. Crow I left the booth and headed towards Joel's office in the back.

"Joel? You in there?" he asked, knocking.

"Yeah, come on in, Crow!" called Joel.

Crow I, sniggering slightly, opened the door only to meet... Mike.

"Huh? Hey Mike, what're you doing here?" he asked, perplexed.

Mike looked back at him, somewhat confused. "What do you mean, Crow? I manage the place."

"Yeah, funny, Mike. Ha ha. Seriously, where'd Joel go?" he asked.

"Joel? Oh, you mean the guy who came before me on the Satellite. I see him a few times in the bar, but other than that..."

Crow I gritted his beak and smiled politely. "Okay, I get it, ha ha. You guys found out about our little gag, didn't you? All right, so where's Joel hiding?" he asked, looking around various pieces of furniture.

Mike shook his head. "I really don't know what you're talking about, Crow. Did you want something, by the way?"

"Joel called me in here! Now where is he?" snapped Crow.

Mike shrugged. "Well, he's not in here. In fact, he's never been here. Maybe your electronics are buggy, or something. Want me to take a look?"

Crow backed off. "No way, Mike! What the heck's going on here?!"

Mike frowned. "Nothing's going on, Crow! Why do you ask?"

"ARRRRRGH!"

***

Meanwhile, in the bar, just as Crow I disappeared into the back hallway, Joel entered the club from the front, and Crows III and 2 had barely enough time to duck back under the table as Joel walked up to Crow II.

"Hey Crow, could you come out back with me for a sec? I need to talk to you about something," asked Joel.

Crow II looked at him, confused. "Uh, but didn't you just call me? I told you I'd be there in a sec," he replied.

Joel looked perplexed. "I did? Odd, I've been doing inventory in the storage room for the past hour or so. Are you sure it was me?" he asked.

Crow II stared at him. "But you were just... and we -- I was here, and..."

Joel shrugged. "Whatever. You feeling all right, Crow honey? Maybe I oughta check your circuits. You might be malfunctioning or something," he said, concerned.

"Er, no, no, I'm fine, really. Yeah, I'll come with you," mumbled Crow II, feeling a bit weird.

Joel nodded his head and Crow II followed him out of the club. Joel turned a corner around the club and Crow II followed...

...Just as Joel walked out from the back hallway.

"Ooh, crap!" hissed Crow 2 as he ducked up and back under the table. Crow III stared at Joel, mouth open.

"Hey, Crow, what's keepin' ya? I've been waiting for you... hey, what's up? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Crow III looked both ways. "But... but you just went out and..."

Joel looked at him askew. "Uh, no, I've been waiting for you in my office! How long are you going to take?"

"But... but I just..." Crow III stammered.

Joel sighed. "Are you feeling all right, Crow? You haven't been eating too many chocolate chip RAM chips again, have you?" he asked.

"M...maybe," Crow III replied, spooked. "Y... yeah, I'm coming." He followed Joel to the back.

That was when Joel emerged from the front entrance. "Say, what's keeping you, Crow?"

Crow 2, who had popped back up, stared for a moment. "I... I... I can't take it anymore! ARRRRGH!" The little clone avatar took up and ran out the front entrance.

Joel watched him, satisfied.

***

Crow I, somewhat frazzled, left Joel's (or was it Mike's?) office, only to be met by Crow III.

"Huh? What're you doing here?" he asked, confused.

Crow III looked at him just as confused. "Uh, Joel said you were keeping him waiting..." he replied slowly.

"No I wasn't! I went in there and Mike was working in there! He says he manages the place!" argued Crow I.

"What? Lemme see!" shouted Crow III. He peeked inside Joel's office, only to see Joel slaving away at the bills.

Crow III looked back at Crow I. "You insane in your continuity or something? He's in there."

"WHAAAT?" Crow I looked inside, and Mike was at the desk.

Crow I looked at Crow III. "Hey! What're you tryin' to pull here?" he asked angrily. "That's Mike!"

"What? No way!" The two looked in together, only to see Mike standing over Joel as they worked.

Mike looked towards the pair. "You two want something?"

The bots gaped. Then they quickly slammed the door and ran back to the club...

...Which didn't help matters, as Joel was there tending bar.

The two bots stood in shock as Crow II reentered the club. "That was weird, he just kinda van...ished..."

Joel looked up from the glass he was polishing. "Can I help you three with something?"

The three bots passed out on the floor.

***

"Well, I hope you all learned something."

Crow I, II and III were sitting at the bar, facing Joel and Mike. Or rather, Joels and Mikes -- there were two of each. Servo was there as well, along with the parrot (or "Pseudo Servo," as the Crows called it).

"Yeah yeah yeah, don't mess with people's minds, we got it," replied Crow I grumpily.

"I don't get it, though. How'd you guys manage to appear and disappear like that? I mean, WHOA that was screwy!" asked Crow II.

"Mysterious" Mike whipped out a small box and showed it to Crow II. "Subreality brand plot-holes -- don't leave home without 'em," he replied.

"Haikeeba," agreed the parrot.

Manager Joel frowned. "Still, are you really getting that bored?" he asked Crow I.

Crow I nodded vigorously. "Hell yeah!"

MiSTer Joel looked at Manager Joel. "Say, what if you took on my Tom Servo as well? That way, your Servo could take more breaks and hang out with Crow more," he suggested.

Manager Joel brightened. "Great idea!" he replied.

"You can hire mine too," added Satellite Crash Mike.

"And mine, though he's not really a bot anymore," added "Mysterious" Mike.

"How does that sound, Crow?" asked Manager Joel, looking at Crow I.

"It SOUNDS like I could really go for an aspirin," grumbled Crow I.

"Join the club," chorused everybody, who then laughed. Except for the parrot, of course, who merely said, "I'm huge."

END!

Legal Mumbo-Jumbo:

Mike, Joel and the bots are property of BBI, all rights reserved. Subreality is the creation of Kielle, as if we didn't all know it already. Crow 2 is my own little copyright infringement, so don't mind him. The TTPCTS Club, however, is my actual personal concept.

The Mikes, Joels and Crows in this story come from various continuities. However, "Mysterious" Mike is a concept which stems from a certain fic by the MST3K fic equivalent of "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." The right people will get it.

And if you're thoroughly confused by all this, don't worry -- so am I. @_@