The Project

Written by Katie Moore

Misted by Jamas Enright and Catherine Johnson

TOM: Flying eagle to tin bird, flying eagle to tin bird. Come in, tin
bird.
CROW: This is tin bird. The weather in space is snowing.
TOM: And the cuckoo flies into the sun. Have you seen him yet?
CROW: No, but "Operation Nelson" is still going ahead.
MIKE: <off screen> Hey guys, whatcha doing?
TOM: There he is, go, go, go!

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five seconds.
MIKE: <plantively> Help!

TOM: Admit it! You got Ross Perot into politics!
CROW: You created El Dorado!
TOM: You shot JFK!
CROW: You got Tom Jones into music!
MIKE: Guys, I have no idea what you're talking about.
TOM: You hid the UFO from Roswell!
CROW: You created Hamdingers!
TOM: You stole all my ram chips!
CROW: Umm, Tom buddy. That was me.
TOM: What! Crow, how could you?
CROW: Well, they were ram chips. They were just sitting there, all alone.
I thought you didn't want them any more.
TOM: I don't think I want to be with you any more 'buddy'.

MIKE: Uh, Crow. Could you untie me now?
CROW: You're not actually tied down. We don't have functioning arms, so
how could we tie you up?

MIKE: Boy, did that end lamely.
CROW: We had this nice accusation thing going, but then Tom just blew it,
and...

MIKE: Tell me later, Crow. Bach and Loengard are calling.

DR F: Well, rope-boy, I'm glad you're getting used to conspiracies. Your
experiment today is an X-Files fanfic that...

PEARL: Clayton, how many times to I have to tell you, come and get your
dinner.
DR F: In a minute, mother. I'm just about to start the experiment.
PEARL: I've been keeping this especially for you. I made it out of
Mentos, so it'll be minty fresh.
DR F: <shudders> Thank you, mother. I'll have some later. <addressing Mike
and co.> Anyway, your experiment today is rather... odd. I'll let
you find out just why. <evil snigger>

<SOL>

MIKE: Now, Tom, I'm sure Crow is sorry for what he did...
CROW: <sotto voice> In a blue moon.
MIKE: And he'll apologize. Right after he cleans out the load pan bay.
CROW: What?

ALL: WE GOT BAD FANFIIIIIC SIIIIIIIGN!!!

[6..5..4..3..2..@..]

>This story's a crossover,

TOM: Oh, this is gonna hurt, and hurt BAD.

> so those of you not familiar with The X-Files

CROW: Have obviously been hiding under a rock for the last 4 years...

> or
>Mystery Science Theater 3000

MIKE: "Mystery Science Theater 3000"?
TOM: What in the sam-scratch it THAT?
CROW: Well, Forrester warned us about there being something odd about
this one... This must be what he's talkin' about...

> might be slightly confused. Or not.

MIKE: <as Katie> Whatever. Not like I really care.

>Actually, the story is pretty self explanatory.

TOM: Oh, so it's NOT like a real episode of _X-Files_ at all, then?

> Mulder and Scully
>investigate Joel's experience on the SOL.

TOM: "Joel"...??
MIKE: "SOL"...?
CROW: Uhhh... Guys... I got a BAD feeling abut this one...
MIKE: I feel ill...

> And anyway, you wouldn't be
>reading this if you weren't familiar with at least one of the two shows.

CROW: That's what you think...

>However, for those of you who need the explanation:

MIKE: <valley girl> Guy, some people are just, like, so slow, ya know?
CROW: <same> Rilly...

>THE X-FILES
>
> Basically a show about two FBI agents assigned to bizarre cases
>with no rational explanation.

CROW: But actually a show about Chris Carter's own disillusionment and
total lack of faith in humanity.

> Fox Mulder is a renegade with a strong
>belief in the paranormal.

MIKE: He explores such unfathomable mysteries as: Do UFO's exist? Are
ghosts real? And why is _Baywatch_ so damn popular?

> A medical doctor, Dana Scully was assigned to
>work with him to debunk

CROW: Or bunk _with_ him...
MIKE: Gee... The story hasn't even started, Crow, and already you're
treading on thin ice...

> his work and hopefully help to shut down the
>X-Files division. However, the "shadow government's" plan backfired when
>Scully and Mulder became close friends and partners.

MIKE: <sniff> It's so touching...
CROW: No, they haven't done NEARLY enough of that...
TOM: Heheh...

> The only other thing
>important to the story is that Scully was abducted inexplicably last
>season and returned with no memory of the incident.

TOM: Except that now she has a baby daughter named Piper... Hmmmm...

>MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000

CROW: I can't look! I have a WEIRD feeling about this...

> A man and three robots have been sent into space by a mad
>scientist (Dr. Clayton Forrester).

MIKE: Ummmm...
TOM: Oh, Lordy...

> They are forced to watch cheesy movies
>so that Forrester can monitor their reactions.

CROW: Well, here's my reaction: It stinks!

> Joel Robinson

CROW & TOM: Woo-hoo! Joel! YAY!
MIKE: I really wanna meet this guy some day...

> (Joel Hodgeson

TOM: There's no "e" in "Hodgson"
MIKE: How do you know that?
TOM: Ummm... I just DO.
CROW: How surreal of you, Tom...

> in real life) was the test subject, but he "escaped" in 1993

CROW & TOM: WWWAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
MIKE: There, there...

>(translation: left the show to work in L.A.)

CROW & TOM: WAAHHH!
MIKE: This is gonna be hard on you guys, huh?
CROW: <sniffle> Yeah...

> He's the main character in my
>story aside from Scully and Mulder,

CROW: Cool!
TOM: Hey, maybe this won't be so bad after all!

> but a new guy is on MST3K now (Mike
>Nelson).

MIKE: Yeah, well, I'm not happy about it, believe you me...

> Okay....now for the disclaimers. None of these characters are
>mine.

TOM: NO? Really??

> Unfortunately, they belong to assorted people: Best Brains
>Productions,

ALL: Woo-hoo!

> 10:13 Productions, Fox Networks and Chris Carter.

TOM: <sarcasm sequencer> Oh, thank _you_, Chris Carter and 10:13
Productions...

> The Gizmonic Institute belongs to Joel Hodgeson.

TOM: There's NO "e" in "HODGSON"!

> I'm using them for my own
>evil purposes

MIKE: Well, at least she admits it.

> but will return them basically unharmed when I'm done.

CROW: We wish...

>There would be no point in suing me for this since A) I'm not making any
>money off of this story,

TOM: Which is good, seeing as it's not worth anything.

> and B) My only assets are fifteen crumpled dollar
>bills in the dusty box in my closet.

MIKE: "Dear Katie Moore: We are suing you for 15 crumpled dollar bills.
Signed, Chris Carter and Joel Hodgson."

> Also, if you want to send this out or
>add it to an archive or something, please e-mail me first.

MIKE: OH, we will!

> Last of all: No M/S relationship in this one

TOM: Well, good, there are kids reading this.
MIKE: That's M/S not S/M...
TOM: Oooohhh...

> (love the idea, though).

CROW: Well, then maybe you need to get a life!

> Angst warning for all characters involved.

TOM: Oh, yip.

> No spoilers, either.
> Mild cursing, but nothing you wouldn't hear on either show.

CROW: Oh, damn.

> For all you
>MSTies out there who are expecting something funny, THIS IS NOT A
>COMEDY!!!

MIKE: Ain't that the truth!
TOM: It's not much of a drama, either.

> I can't stress this enough.

ALL: THANKS!

> PS: Without my friend Liz, this either wouldn't exist of be a
>pile of crap.

MIKE: Well, it exists AND it's a pile of crap... What gives?

> So lets all give her a big round of applause, shall we?

TOM: KILL HER!

>
> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send me commentary at TVs Kate@aol.com.

MIKE: Oh, we WILL.

>
> Joel Hodgeson: "The right people will get this."

TOM: THERE'S NO "E" IN-
MIKE: Ok, ok, Tom, we get it.
>
>
>The Project 1/2

CROW: The "half" project?
MIKE: Um, Crow, I think that's "Part 1 of 2"
CROW: Oohhh...

>
>By Katie Moore
>NASA File Storeroom

TOM: Katie writing this story in a NASA File Storeroom?

>January 15, 1996
>2:11 p.m.

MIKE: The sun was shining.
TOM: Somewhere, a dog was barking.

>
> The man glanced over his shoulder, nervously scanning the hallway.

MIKE: It's Peter Lorre!
TOM: No, it's that MTV ad!
MIKE: Uh, Tom- the MTV ad IS Peter Lorre...
TOM: Oh, yeah.

> The logical part of his mind knew that everyone was gone from the
>building,

CROW: And the rest of his brain was thinking of Terri Hatcher's picture
on the Web!
MIKE: Don't make me take your computer away, Crow...

> but he just didn't trust logic anymore. Anyone who'd been
>through what he had wouldn't either.

MIKE: Comma? Hello, we need a comma in that last sentence!

> Digging into his pocket, he pulled
>the tiny screwdriver out.

CROW: And proceeded to fix his glasses.

> Removing the alarm cover panel wouldn't be that
>hard. All he needed to do was take out the screws holding it in place and
>he'd be able to shut down security.

TOM: Gee, NASA sure has lax security for a billion dollar organization.

> Still, he had trouble handling the
>tiny tool,

CROW: Hehehe...

> and the sweat on his palms wasn't making it any easier.

CROW: Oh, OHHH... Oh, yeah...
MIKE: <grabbing Crow's beak> THAT'LL be enough of that!

> But he
>*had* to find that file. It was the only way he'd ever know what really
>happened.
> With a soft thud, the metal plate fell into his hands.

MIKE: Ow, owie, hot, hot...

> He
>breathed a sigh of relief. All it took to shut down security was a couple
>of codes he had seen the scientists use.

MIKE: 1-0-1-3
TOM: 2-4-6-0-1
CROW: 6-9
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: Hehehe...

> As far as he could tell, the
>systems were off-line.

CROW: But what did he know? He was an accountant!

> Slowly pushing the door open, he silently shut it
>behind him. He was in.

MIKE: Like Flynn!

> NASA didn't seem to believe in throwing anything
>away, either.

TOM: They still had their report grades from kindergarten!

> The room in front of him was enormous, and he almost gave
>up when he saw the multitude of metal cabinets and crates lining the
>aisles ahead of him.

MIKE: Some were marked "Rosebud"...
TOM: ..."Ark of the Covenant"...
CROW: ...and "Adam & Eve"!
MIKE: You are just ASKING for a Time Out, aren't you, Crow?

> But it needed to be done. He had to know.

TOM: Did Suzee really like him?

>Actually, when he began walking down the rows of cabinets, the
>categorizing was easy to understand. The aisles were alphabetized, and he
>was already in row T.

CROW: Hey! That's me!
MIKE: No, it says "row T"...
CROW: Oh...
TOM: "The categorizing was easy to understand"? Yeah, it's
alphabetized! How much easier does it get?

> The intruder peeked around the end of the cabinets. Just as he
>thought. Row S was right next to him.

CROW: Well, DUH.
MIKE: I suppose it could've been "row U"...

> He began sifting through the
>files. There it was. The information he had risked everything to find.

TOM: Suzee did like him!
CROW: It even starts with "S"! Good job, Tom!

>The answer to his biggest question: why?

ALL: Why ask why?

> His fingers trembling, he opened
>it. Then a shout rang out through the silence. "Who's there?"

TOM: Oh, so he's stopped before he finds the answers he's looking for. I
guess this IS like an _X-Files_ episode!
MIKE: Unfortunately, yes...

> He panicked.

CROW: <as guy> I wet 'em!

> Dropping the papers in his hands, he began a mad
>dash for the back door.

MIKE: NASA has a "back door"?

> But by now it was too late. His unseen pursuer
>was gaining on him. There was no chance he'd make it out before he was
>caught.

TOM: But it wasn't me! It was the one-armed man!

> Slowing, he collapsed onto a bin of outdated photographs.

CROW: Oh, that's gotta hurt...
TOM: Oh, yeah...
MIKE: Ow...

> It was
>no use. A flashlight beam cut through the darkness, illuminating Joel's

CROW & TOM: JOEL!
MIKE: Wow! What a plot point!

>face. It was over.

TOM: I wish this story was over.

>****************

CROW: <singing> Twinkle, twinkle, little star...

>En route to Kennedy, Florida Police HQ
>January 20, 1996
>12:21 p.m.

MIKE: It was cold and rainy.
CROW: Somewhere in the world, someone was ordering a Big Mac.

> Scully glanced over at Mulder.

CROW: <as Scully> Was it good for you?
MIKE: Crow! Katie said it wasn't gonna happen...
CROW: Darn.

> His forehead was creased in
>thought, and he looked oblivious to the world around him.

MIKE: So, what else is new?

> She touched his arm.

CROW: <as Scully> Don't worry, Mulder... It happens to all guys once in
a while...

> "Mulder, I'm used to you ignoring me, but please pay a little
>attention to the road. "

TOM: <as Mulder> Huh?
<All do screams and car crash sounds>

> Mulder jumped, as if woken from a dream. "Scully, don't do that
>to me.

MIKE: <as Mulder> Don't ever wake me up when I'm driving!

> You scared me half to death."
> Scully smiled to herself.

TOM: <as Scully, thinking> Hmmm, if I do that again, I'll kill him!
Great!

> Whenever her partner went into one of
>his "trances", he forgot about everything else.

ALL: Ommmm... Ommmm...

> She could tell he was
>wondering what the case was about, just as much as she was.

TOM: So, neither of them know what's going on? Well, again, just that's
just like a REAL _X-Files_ episode.

> They were on
>their way to interview a prisoner in a local jail. She knew next to
>nothing about the case, only that Skinner had asked them to work on it
>himself (which was unusual) and the information would be waiting for them
>when they arrived. "Mulder, you don't know *anything* about this? I
>mean, you did talk to Skinner before we left."

TOM: <as Mulder> Yes...
CROW: <as Scully> And did you make a potty before we left? I don't wanna
have to stop.
TOM: <as Mulder, sins-songy> Ye-es...

> "No, Scully, I've been holding out on you. It's really so I can
>check out the local UFO situation."

CROW: Well, THERE'S a shock.
MIKE: I think he's kidding.
CROW: Oh.

> He paused before finishing, noting
>the worried (and slightly angry) expression on Scully's face. "Scully, of
>course I don't know anything. You think I wouldn't tell you?

TOM: Well, it wouldn't be the first time...

> "Well, it's been known to happen."

TOM: See?

> "Believe me, I never even knew there was a Kennedy, Florida until
>I got the call from Skinner.

MIKE: Oh, so I guess no-one from Kennedy, Florida has ever written to
Penthouse.

> He would have told me more, but there was
>some meeting coming up and he had to go.

TOM: Oh, how CONVENIENT.

> Oh well, I guess we'll find out
>soon enough."

MIKE: I hope so!
TOM: Yeah, this exposition is starting to drag...

> Scully turned her gaze to the scenery outside her window. A sea
>of long reeds waved in the wind outside, probably covering a large marsh.

CROW: <falsetto> Marsh-a, marsh-a, marsh-a!
MIKE & TOM: Uuugggg...
CROW: Hehehe...

>Across the horizon, a few squat

TOM: <as Beavis> Hehehe... She said "squat"... heh...

> looking bushes and trees varied the
>landscape. A grey sky arched above her.

MIKE: Somewhere, a cat was licking herself.
CROW: Ewww...

> *Well, at least it's warmer than
>D.C.*,

TOM: <as Scully, thinking> And the crime rate's a hell of a lot lower!

> Scully thought, remembering the awful snowstorms already blanketing
>the area. Mulder nudged her in the shoulder. "Scully, we're almost
>there."

MIKE: <as Mulder> Wake up, Dana, we're at Grandma's.

> Scully moved slightly to look out the front window. An ill-kept
>road stretched up to the drab Police HQ building at the end of the lane.
>It was one of those places that seemed to demand silence.

ALL: SILENCE! Be quiet! SHUT UP! Etc.

> The grounds
>were bare, consisting of a few straggly trees in metal cages and thin,
>brown grass lawns trimmed within an inch of their life. It was about as
>depressing a place as most people ever saw.

TOM: So, it fits in this fanfic perfectly!

> Pulling up to the gates, Mulder flashed

ALL: Whoah!

> his badge at a camera.

TOM: Oh... <whew>

> A
>staticy voice crackled out of a tiny speaker,

MIKE: Would you like fries with that?

> telling them to enter. The
>door in the chain link fence swished open,

CROW: <swishy voice> Hello, there, Misther Mulder!

> letting the car through the
>gate. Mulder felt like every move he made was being watched. Of course,
>he usually felt that way.

MIKE: <singing> I always feel like/ Somebody's watching me!

> It took about ten minutes to park,

TOM: <as Mulder> Now, remember, we parked in the "Zebra" lot.

> check in, and have their
>weapons stored. Mulder was reluctant, but he finally gave the gun to the
>attendant. He never liked being unarmed.

MIKE: <as Mulder> Are you un-arming me with your eyes?

> It made him feel vulnerable.
>"I wonder where we get the information."

TOM: Bet they'll find out quick.

> Before Scully could answer, an attendant walked up to them with a
>few thin manila folders. "Agents Mulder and Scully?"

TOM: See!
MIKE: <Peter Falk> Yes, yes, you're very smart. Now shut up.

> They nodded, Mulder taking the files and motioning the young man
>away.

CROW: <as Mulder> Ok, now go away, peon.

> They took a seat on a few nearby chairs.

MIKE: "_A_ seat"?
CROW: <as Scully> Mulder, get off my lap!

> "Look, Scully, this isn't
>even an X-File.

TOM: Yeah, _this_ makes sense.

> And there's not much in it, either."

CROW: Wait, so it IS an X-File!

> "I guess we'll be back to D.C. pretty soon."
> Mulder silently read the file in front of him. When he had
>finished, Scully remarked "What's the point of this? They caught the guy
>already, didn't they?"
> "But look at this. The janitor was reading the single most
>important file in there.

CROW: "Secrets of the Playboy Bunnies"?

> Skinner must think there's something going on
>here, or else he wouldn't have wasted his time."

TOM: Maybe he was just trying to get rid of you for awhile.

> "What was so important about the file?"
> "It's kind of like a NASA Roswell. There was this satellite that
>completely disappeared. It was basically one of the government's worst
>kept secrets."

MIKE: Well, if it was a WELL kept secret, Mulder certainly wouldn't know
about it.

> Scully nodded slowly. "I remember hearing about that once.
>SOL-101883, right? They thought the Russians took it or something."

MIKE: That's it, blame the Russians!
CROW: You know, if Katie was REALLY an _X-Files_ fan, she woulda called it
"SOL 1013".

> "I know it doesn't make much sense,

TOM: What else is new?

> but I just have a feeling
>about this. There's something more going on here, Scully."

MIKE: Uh, oh...
TOM: Well, seeing as Mulder has been right in EVERY bloody episode, I'd go
with that feeling.

> Scully glanced at her watch. "Well, we'd better get going. Our
>interview is in five minutes."

MIKE: <as Scully, thinking> I hope I get the part!

>**********

TOM: My God... It's full of stars...

> Mulder arrived at the cell first.

CROW: Cuz he tripped Scully as they walked down the hall.
TOM: Heheh..

> The man inside seemed
>oddly normal to be the focus of this much attention.

TOM: It's always the normal ones...

> Although he could
>tell Joel Robinson had probably been through hell in the last few days.

TOM: JOEL!!
CROW: Oh, Joel! Poor Joel, trapped in this lame fanfic...

>His dark blue eyes seemed to be tired, and full of pain.

TOM: "Full of pain"? Well, having to watch these crappy movies is BAD, but
let's not overdo it already!

> Mulder wondered
>what had happened to this man. Entering the tiny, dimly lit room, he
>pulled up a tiny,

MIKE: So, everything's tiny, right?

> rickety chair and waited for Scully to enter. When both
>were seated, Mulder began.

CROW: EXCUSE ME?
MIKE: Crow... Enough...

> "I'm sure you know why we're here, Mr. Robinson."

TOM: <as Scully> Mr. Robinson... Are you trying to seduce me?

> Joel smiled wryly. "I wish I didn't. I have nothing to tell
>you."

TOM: <as Joel> So there! <makes sticking-out-tongue noise>

> Mulder looked at him. "That's for us to decide. Now, listen.

MIKE: Does he have a choice?

>There's not much you can do to say you weren't there that night, so why
>don't you just tell us why you were reading that file."
> Joel sighed deeply. "Why should I?"

MIKE: <as Joel> What's the magic word?

> Scully stood accusingly.

TOM: How exactly do you do that?

> "Why did you look at that file? Out of
>all of them? Why SOL- 101883?"

MIKE: <as Joel> I liked the cut of it's jib!

> Joel cringed away at the name, his face contorted as if he was
>trying to push a memory back into the dark recesses it had come from.

CROW: Wha- huh?
TOM: Oh, puh-leease...

> His
>face...it seemed familiar to Scully.

TOM: She remembered turning to Comedy Central one night...
CROW: Comedy Central?
TOM: Ah, forget it.

> Muttering, he turned to Mulder. "Go
>away. Take your partner, and go away. Don't get involved."

MIKE: Oh, he's from New York.

> Mulder pulled up closer to the man, intensity burning in his eyes.

MIKE: <as Mulder, covering his eyes> Ow, ow... owie...

> "Involved in what?"
> Joel turned towards the wall, trying to hide from the question.

TOM: <as Joel> I can't see you! I can't see you!

>"No. No! Go away. They know. They'll put me back. I don't want to go
>back.

MIKE: <singing> "Back in the US- Back in the US-, Back in the USSR!"

> Go away."

TOM: <as Joel> Shoo! Scat!

> Scully spoke, a thread of tension in her voice. "Who knows? What

TOM: Is on second?
CROW: I don't know.
ALL: THIRD BASE!

>are you afraid of?"

MIKE: The dark?

> Joel's face calmed momentarily, as if he had suddenly wiped away
>the storm in his mind.

TOM: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you...

> "A lot of things. A lot of things you wouldn't
>understand. A lot of things only I can understand."

TOM: Hey, what are we, CHOPPED LIVER?

> As if reluctant to leave, Mulder stood slowly. "We'll be back.

MIKE: Thank you, Ah-nohld...

>Until then, you should be safe here."

CROW: <laughs> Yeah, right!

> Joel didn't answer.
>*************************

MIKE: <singing> Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight...

> Joel gazed out of his

MIKE: Tiny,

> grimy cell window silently until the car
>with the agents was gone from his line of vision. Sighing, he sat on his
>bed. The man and woman who had just left *did* work for the government.

TOM: Yeah, but even they don't like it very much.

>It was right for him not to tell them anything, wasn't it?

MIKE: Sure.
TOM: Uh-huh.
CROW: Definitely.

> He'd learned
>to stop trusting the government a long time ago.

TOM: Hey, who hasn't?
MIKE: Tom...
TOM: Well...
MIKE: Yeah, you've got a point.

> But somehow, he wished
>he could have told them the truth. He'd been alone for so long.

TOM: Oh, gee, THANKS!
MIKE: I think she means after he got back to Earth...
TOM: Oh...

> Mulder and Scully didn't seem to know what was going on.

TOM: Just like every other week...

> But for
>all he knew, they could just be more people trying to deceive him, to trap
>him into revealing what he knew. It had been too long since he'd been
>able to trust anyone.

CROW: WHAT??
TOM: Oh, for cryin' in the beer!
CROW: Methinks Katie is making WAAAAY too much of this...

> Rubbing the back of his neck, Joel felt the familiar shape of the
>scar from his abduction almost eight years ago.

MIKE: Wait... Didn't Dana have an implant in her neck?
CROW: I don't like where this is heading...
> He'd never been able to
>get the implant out, but by now he was used to being monitored by them
>constantly.

TOM: Remember, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to
get you.

> Briefly, he asked himself why they hadn't come for him sooner
>after he had escaped.

CROW: Oh, well, they were probably busy, ya know...

> It wouldn't have been too hard to find him, and
>they needed him for the tests, didn't they?

CROW: Sure, we all do!
TOM: Do you have to have that joke in EVERY MiSTing?
CROW: Yep.

> For a while, he'd actually led
>a pretty normal life, with friends, and a job.

TOM: Wait, I thought he'd been alone?
CROW: Yeh, and unable to trust anyone...

> Then the dreams began.....

CROW: Yeah... Him, Joe Don Baker, and a bottle of baby oil...
TOM: AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!
MIKE: CROW!

>That was why he'd broken in. He needed to know why this was happening,
>what was going on. Shuddering, he wondered if another man had been doomed
>to the fate he had so narrowly escaped from.

MIKE: <raising hand> That's me! Right here!

> The mere thought made him
>cringe.

MIKE: Hey, how do you think _I_ feel?
TOM: And what about _us_? We've been here the whole freakin' time!

> No one should have to endure what he had. It was too cruel.

CROW: Katie, does the world "hyperbole" mean anything to you?

> No matter what Mulder had said, he wasn't safe here. He knew
>that.

TOM: Well, DUH!

> He wasn't safe anywhere anymore. Joel knew he had to get away, but
>how soon would it be possible? And what good would it do? They could
>find him anywhere he chose to run. But maybe....maybe if he had had help,
>it wouldn't be so hard. Maybe he could learn to trust again. Maybe...
> Joel knew he needed to talk to the agents. They could help him.

ALL: <snickering>
TOM: Yeah, right, just like they helped Duane Barry!
MIKE: And Dr. Chester Banton in "Soft Light".
CROW: And the animals in "Fearful Symmetry".

>If he told them what had happened...but they wouldn't believe him.

TOM: I sure wouldn't...

> No one
>would believe him. Although that was a chance he'd have to take. And
>what did he have to lose? A life in a jail cell? Years spent running
>from Forrester until he finally had to give up? Nothing could be worse
>than what he'd already survived.

TOM: Hey! WHAT about US!!!
CROW: Oh, please...

> They'd be back, eventually.

TOM: <as Ah-nohld> They'll be bach...

> When they wanted to ask more
>questions, they'd come back.
> He wasn't sure what he'd say, but he had to
>tell someone. And soon. Before it was too late.
>
>***************************

TOM: <singing> A star, a star, shining in the night, with a tail as big
as a kite...

>
>January 26, 1996

MIKE: What TIME of day?

> Mulder yawned languidly, leaning back on the pile of electronic
>equipment stacked in the corner of the dark room.

TOM: And accidentally deleting weeks of information!
CROW: D'OH!

> He'd come to talk to
>the Lone Gunmen when all his other leads in the Robinson case had dried
>up.

MIKE: Gentle readers, let me take this opportunity to point out to you one
of the aspects of any crappy fanfic-
TOM: In other words, ANY fanfic-
MIKE: Yeah, well... ANYway... The point I'm trying to make... You'll
find, dear readers, that most fanfic writers feel the need to include
EVERY character from the show they're doing a story about, no matter
how irrelevant that character may be to the story they're trying to
tell.
CROW: Thanks, Mike.

> In some ways, he felt like he wanted to just give up on it and move
>on, but something about the look on Joel's face made him keep looking.

TOM: Mulder likes Jo-el, Mulder likes Jo-el!

>There had to be something there, just beyond his grasp. He just had to
>know where to look.

MIKE: <British accent> Answers are easy- it's knowing the right questions
to ask that's the tricky part.
TOM: <sarcasm sequencer> Oh, THANK YOU, _Dr._Who_...

> Luckily, the Gunmen jumped on the case.

CROW: And Frohike jumped on Scully.
MIKE: CROW!

> They thrived
>on anything with a remote hint of government conspiracy.

TOM: Kurt Cobain's "suicide"...
CROW: ...MLK's death...
MIKE: ...Why the Jets never win a game.

> The search was
>taking longer than he expected. He'd been there almost four hours already
>and nothing but password after password had turned up. A sharp voice cut
>through his thoughts. "Dammit, this thing has about fifteen levels of
>code blocking it."

CROW: WAIT A MINUTE! Dr. F's lame-ass idea to try and take over the world
with crappy movies is blocked by _15_ levels of security?
MIKE: This is really getting goofy.

> Mulder strode over to Frohike at the computer terminal and
>scanned the screen over his shoulder.

MIKE: <as Frohike> Stop reading over my shoulder...
TOM: <as Mulder> Sorry...
MIKE: <as Frohike> Just don't...

> The monitor displayed a large
>yellow "G" surrounded by a field of red. Across the bottom of the logo,
>gold block letters spelled out "Gizmonic Institute".

CROW & TOM: Gizmonic! BOOOO!!!

> A small text box in
>the corner read "Enter Password". Frohike spoke.

CROW: That's not how you enter a password, Frohike...

> "I ran a check on all
>divisions of NASA for a mention of either SOL-101883 or Joel Robinson.
>Nothing much turned up, since the government seems to want to keep the
>disappearance basically a secret, but there was a mention of both Robinson
>and the satellite in this file. Unfortunately, it's password locked and
>would take a while to crack.

CROW: The _government_ is involved with this?
TOM: Next thing you know, we'll find out Cancer Man's involved...

> And knowing the Feds, there's probably about
>ten more of these damn checkpoints before any real information. I'll keep
>working on it, but there's no point in waiting around."
> Mulder paused. "Do you know anything about this Gizmonic
>Institute?"

TOM: It's the home of the "Big G" burger!

> Frohike looked up briefly from the keyboard. "Only a location.
>You might want to check it out, but I wouldn't recommend it at this time
>of year. "
> Mulder looked puzzled. "Why?"
> Frohike grinned, a look bordering on evil in his eyes. " 'Cause
>it's in northern Minnesota. Eden Prairie, to be exact."

MIKE: Minnesota! AH!
CROW: <Minnewegian> Oh, it's such a nice place...
TOM: <same> Oh, yeah.

> Groaning, Mulder said nothing. His investigations had taken him to some
>pretty cold places, but he'd heard that in Minnesota people had to have
>their nerves removed just to survive the winter.

MIKE: HEY!
TOM: Wait, hasn't he been to Alaska?
CROW: Yeah!

> Frohike turned toward him. "Hey Mulder." Without waiting for
>Mulder to answer, he went on. "Say hi to Dana for me."

CROW: <as Mulder> Yeah, stop droolin' on yourself, Frohike...

> Mulder fought back the urge to laugh.

MIKE: I don't know how...

> "Call me if you get
>anything." Taking his coat, Mulder, opened the door to leave. He needed
>to get going if he was going to get plane tickets on time.

TOM: <singing> Get me a ticket for an aero-plane...

>
>
>********************

CROW: You don't have to be a star, baby/ To be in my show.
MIKE: I think we're running low on "star" songs...

>Somewhere in New York City
>January 26, 1996
>
> The smoke hung in a wispy haze around the greying executive's
>head.

TOM: AAAAAAHHH!
MIKE: Gee, looks like you were right, Tom.
CROW: Oh, I can't _believe_ this!

> He inhaled from a cigarette, the tip glowed a reddish orange, then
>dimmed again. Breathing deeply, the man stood. "You all know why you're
>here. The SOL project has taken quite a nosedive in progress-"

MIKE: The government is funding the project...?
TOM: Your tax dollars at work, folks!

> glancing
>at a young scientist seated next to him, he added "-again. Not to mention
>the holes in your theories.

MIKE: <as Cancer Man> And in your head...

> Nelson is holding up much too well.

MIKE: HA! So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dr. F!

> We need
>a new tester, someone to start the experimentation over.

TOM: NOOOOOO!
CROW: Not another guy!!

> Your idea of
>this...this 'super-race', it has promise.

ALL: WHAT?!
MIKE: Well, it's official, folks... Katie Moore has lost what little sense
she had...

> But will it really work? Can
>we really make these people strong enough to withstand the experiment?"

CROW: This is so wrong in so many ways...

> The younger man with odd lime green glasses and a matching lab
>coat rose, looking nervously at his shoes.

ALL: Dr. F! BOO! HISS! Etc...

> "Sir, we have a problem. You
>see, by now all of the reserve subjects we've been holding have either
>failed the last stages and killed themselves.

MIKE: They've failed the last stages AND killed themselves?

> The necessary gene is only
>present in a handful of the ones still living.

TOM: "Gene"?
MIKE: Yeah, you know... For that "master race".
TOM: Ohhhhhh...

MIKE: GUYS! Don't collapse on me now! We can do this! You don't want Dr.
F to win, do you?
TOM: <sniffle> No...
CROW: <getting a second wind> Let me at 'er!

> A few of the backups are
>still under observation, though. With some more time..."

TOM: Oh, if only Dr. F had more brains!
CROW: Hehehe...

> The cigarette-smoking man violently slammed his fist down on the
>mahogany table, interrupting the scientist's explanation.

MIKE: You can't HANDLE the truth!

> "Time?! I'm
>not funding this anymore unless you show some progress and all you damn
>'scientists' can do is ask for more time. Why don't you just go out there
>and take back one of those 'backups'?"

TOM: Uh-oh...

> Sitting now, the trembling scientist spoke timidly. "Well, in
>fact, we've noticed especially promising characteristics in one subject.

CROW: Here it comes folks...

>She wouldn't be hard to locate, although the implant seems to have been
>removed."

TOM: "She"... I don't liiiike thiiiis...

> Sighing in a mixture of impatience and relief, the leader of the
>meeting spoke calmly again. "Who?"
> "Ms. Dana Scully."

ALL: AAAAHH!!

>
>************************

MIKE: <singing> Starry, starry night...

>
>End Part 1/2

MIKE: YAY! Lets get out of here guys...

MIKE: I can't believe that Katie wrote that. Some crossovers should just
not be.
TOM: I'd like to see a Sliders/Beavis and Butthead crossover.
CROW: Or how about Profiler meets Friday the 13th?
MIKE: X-Files and Millenium.
TOM: Too easy, Mike. I'm thinking Lassie and Dark Skies.
CROW: Superman on Red Dwarf.
MIKE: I can see a Doctor Who vs. Barney.
TOM: But what I don't like about this thing, is that it features us!
CROW: Yeah, just imagine if the X-Files invesigated a show about stupid
paranormal stories and conspiracy theories.
MIKE: I think I saw a Nowhere Man episode like that.
BOTS: Aw, no. Don't take us there, Mike.

ALL: BAD FANFIC SIGGNNN!!!

[6..5..4..3..2..@..]

CROW: Does this mean we're halfway done?
MIKE: I hope so.

>Part 2/2 of The Project.
>Disclaimers in Part 1.

MIKE: "None of these characters are mine"
CROW: "Your mileage may vary"
TOM: "Offer void in Alaska and Hawaii."

>
>
>3170 W. 53 Rd. #35
>Annapolis, M.D.
>January 26, 11:21 P.M.

MIKE: It was a cold, snowy day...
TOM: Somewhere, children were building snowforts.

> Dana Scully sat curled up in her favorite armchair, reading the
>same book she'd been trying to finish for months.

CROW: Yeah, it took me awhile to get through _Memnoch_the_Devil_, too...
TOM: Was it worth it?
CROW: No.

> Inevitably, something
>came up and she didn't get more than a few pages done. Tonight, luckily,
>there hadn't been any disturbances for over an hour, unless you counted
>Queequeg's constant yapping.

TOM: Hey! It's ole gator-bait!
MIKE: Tom, that's mean...
TOM: Well...

> Taking her eyes off the pages of the novel, she began to think
>about their current case.

CROW: Her and Queequeg have a case?

> Mulder was actually interested, but nothing had
>turned up so far. She couldn't see any point in continuing the
>investigation. There was no evidence of any supernatural occurrences or
>government conspiracies, their usual case topics. Although when Mulder
>got a "hunch" or "feeling" about a case, he had an annoying tendency to be
>right.

ALL: We know, we know!

> At the moment, Scully hadn't heard from Mulder for a while, so she
>assumed he was checking up on facts with one of his informants.

CROW: Or going through and categorizing his Playboys.

> The shrill ring of her cell phone on the stand next to her almost
>made her jump.

MIKE: <as Scully> AH! Don't do that!

> *A little too much quiet can get to you*, she thought,
>picking up the phone.
> "Scully."

CROW: Why is she calling herself?

> "How soon can you get ready to fly?

TOM: <as Scully> Well, I'll have to get my hang-glider out of the shop...

> Even without a name, she knew
>who it was.

MIKE: I should hope so- they've been working together for four years.
CROW: <as Scully> Impolite little bastard; can't even bother to say "hi"...

> "This morning, I guess. Why Minnesota? It's colder there
>than at Icy Cape."

TOM: Yeah, but the people are nicer- they don't try to shoot you!

> "There's this obscure division of NASA, the Gizmonic Institute,

CROW: WHAT?
TOM: Gizmonic is a division of NASA...? <deep sigh> Ok, what did Katie
take before writing this story??

>where apparently there's connections to both Joel Robinson and SOL-101883.
> It's all we've got so far. Oh, yeah, Frohike says hi."

MIKE: <as Mulder> Oh, and what are you wearing?
CROW: <as Scully> Frohike wanted to know what I was wearing?
CROW: <as Mulder> No, I do.

> Scully chuckled. "So when do I need to meet you at the airport?"
> "Get there by 5:00, if you can wake up by then.

MIKE: <as Scully> Ummm, I'm already awake. Doi.

> This trip
>shouldn't take long, just a few days unless we get something really big."

CROW: Hehehe...

> "Good, and I...."
> A crash sounded from the back of her apartment. Dropping the
>phone, Scully leapt up from her chair and lunged for the gun she kept in
>her nightstand. Cautiously, she crept towards the source of the sound.

MIKE: Oops. Let me guess- she's gonna get captured, and Mulder's gonna
have to save her.
CROW: Well, at least this fanfic has the same predictable plot lines as the
show.

>Suddenly, she felt a sharp sting in her arm. Looking down, she caught a
>glimpse of a tiny dart protruding from her shoulder as she crumpled to the
>ground.

ALL: <sigh>

> "Scully? Scully?!!"
>****************

TOM: <singing> Ad more life to your car- take it to the Star!
MIKE: We're REALLY stretching it now...

>
>Eden Prairie, Minnesota
>January 27, 1996, 2:44 a.m.

MIKE: It was cold and wet.
CROW: Somewhere, a guy's snot was freezing in his nostrils.
TOM: Ewwww...

>
> The pain began even before she was entirely awake. She groaned
>softly, trying unsuccessfully to move. Laboriously opening her tired
>eyelids, Scully awoke to a sight she'd rather not see.

TOM: A naked Joe Don Baker.

> She was no longer
>dressed in the clothes she had been taken in, but instead a bright red
>jumpsuit.

MIKE: She's looking at her clothes? What position is she in, anyway?
TOM: Wait... Does this mean they're gonna send Scully up to the SOL?
CROW: ALL RIGHT!
MIKE: Hey- maybe I don't want to get back to Earth after all! Woo-hoo!

> Around her was a

MIKE: Tiny,

> bare, twelve by twelve cell, barely large
>enough for the wooden chair she was strapped to.

CROW: Gillian Anderson strapped to a chair? I had a dream like this
once...
MIKE: Haven't we all?

> The walls were a blank
>white, scuffed and marked around the edges. The floor was clean gray
>concrete, except for a dark red stain in the right corner....*Oh, God*...
>Scully thought.

TOM: <as Scully> I'm not gonna get paid over-time for this, I just KNOW
it...

> A man was walking toward her, *no, not again*....She screamed
>incoherently, scraping her bare feet as she was dragged across the floor.
>She didn't want to do this again...it was too painful..."Oh, and Dana,
>today's experiment is called Manos..."*

TOM: Well, you gotta admit, having to watch _"Manos"_ WAS pretty painful...
CROW: To put it mildly!
MIKE: I'm glad I missed it...

> She knew why she had recognized
>Joel Robinson. She'd seen him before. He didn't see her, the trainees
>just watched from behind,

CROW: ..._The_Green_Door_...

> but she remembered him. *He must have made
>it..he must have gotten down...no wonder...*

TOM: So, how did SHE get down?
MIKE: I'm not sure she was ever "up">
TOM: Oh.

> Scully was snapped out of her thoughts by the scrape of a key in
>the lock. Instinctively, she tried to jump up from the chair, but
>remembered too late the straps holding her down.

MIKE: <as Scully> Oh, yeah... Doi...

> A youngish, brown
>haired man with a grey streak across both the top of his unruly hair and
>the side of his thick mustache came in the door. Dr. Forrester...

ALL: BOOO!
TOM: Wait- earlier he was "walking towards her", but now he's just entered
the room... I'm confused.
MIKE: So was Katie, apparently.

> "Hello, Dana. You're awake, I see. Remember me?"

TOM: He's rather hard to forget...
MIKE: I wish _I_ could forget him...

> Forrester asked
>in a cheery tone,

TOM: Dr. Forrester- being... "cheery"?
ALL: <shudder>

> chortling evilly. Groaning, Scully turned her head
>toward the wall. "What am I doing here again?"

CROW: <as Forrester> Are you kidding? You're Gillian Anderson! Do you
think I'd let YOU go???
MIKE & TOM: AH!
MIKE: Don't ever do that again, Crow...
CROW: Hehehe...

> Forrester only walked closer. "So the drug worked. Good, if you
>had forgotten, the first stage would have to be repeated. And we wouldn't
>want that, now would we?"

CROW: <as Scully> Not if it means watching "Manos" again!

> Scully lunged against the leather straps. "Let me out of here.
>What the hell do you think you're trying to pull?"

ALL: Hmmmm...
MIKE: Let's leave this alone, folks... I'm getting queasy at the thought
of Dr. Forrester and Scully...
CROW: Me, too, now that I think of it...

> Forrester laughed. "There's nothing much you can do about this,
>so stop trying. We'll let you out soon enough. You need your training if
>you're going to go up there."

MIKE: They _are_ sending her up here! ALL RIGHT!

> "What did you do to that man? What did you do to Joel?"

TOM: Sent him up into space and made him watch bad movies... DOI.

> The amused expression on the man's face fell.

TOM: And broke into tiny pieces.

> "How do you...never
>mind. I'll be back in the morning for your first experiment. Oh, I
>almost forgot. I came here to give you this..."

ALL: AH!
MIKE: NO!

> Forrester lunged forward with a needle, and Scully's mind was lost
>again in darkness.
>
>*************************

ALL: Ummmm....
MIKE: Nope... Let's just leave this one alone.
TOM: Ok.

>Kennedy, Florida Police HQ
>January 28, 1996, 3:04 P.M.

MIKE: It was a dark and stormy day...
TOM: Somewhere, people were watching crappy movies and actually _enjoying_
them.

>
> Without even a look at the guard booth at the entrance, Mulder
>stormed into the headquarters.

Mike: <as guard> Wait a minute! I need to see your pass! HEY!

> No one wanted to cross the haunted,
>unshaven version of the intelligent FBI agent who had come in last week.

TOM: It's a doppleganger!
ALL: AH!

>He passed to Joel's cell unhindered.

MIKE: Did Katie just say "hinder"?

> "You bastard...."
> Joel turned, facing the doorway, a look of surprise etched across
>his features.
> "What do you want now?"
> "Shut up and tell me what's going on here."

TOM: HEY! Stop talking to our creator like that!
CROW: Yeah!

> "God, why won't you people leave me alone?"

CROW & TOM: YEAH!

> "What do you know? What did you do to her?"

CROW: <opens mouth. Mike closes it>

> "Who?"
> Mulder turned away. "You should know."
> "Look. If I knew what was happening here in the first place, I
>wouldn't be here right now."

MIKE: Yeah, Mulder... You're yellin' at the wrong guy!
CROW: Gee, Mike- why do you care? You've never met Joel...
MIKE: Yeah, but I gotta feel for a the guy- What with us both being in the
same situation and all.
CROW: Ahhh...

> Mulder was silent. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing.

TOM: Just like every other-
MIKE: Ok, ok- we've done that one to death, Servo...

>Feelings of helplessness and guilt had been plaguing him ever since Scully
>disappeared last night. He felt lost, practically unable to think.

TOM: How about now, Mike?
MIKE: Nah- too easy.

>Whatever was going on, Joel was the only link he had. He took a deep
>breath, trying to regain his control.

MIKE: <singing> I've got to... keep... control...
TOM: Hey, Carrie- RHPS reference!
MIKE: ...Who's Carrie?
TOM: Oh.... No one...
MIKE: ...Okaaay...

> "My partner...Scully...disappeared last night."
> Joel calmed a bit. "Why would I have anything to do with it?"

TOM: Because you were both in the same project?
CROW: HE doesn't know that...
TOM: I KNOW that...
CROW: Well, then why-
MIKE: Ok, ok, guys.. Just chill out...

> "I'm not sure. There was nothing I could do. I...I let her down
>again. She's all I have. The only one I can trust..."

MIKE: I thought Mulder didn't trust anyone?

> *Trust*...the word echoed in Joel's mind. "I don't think I can
>help you. Unless..."

MIKE: <as Joel> Why, it's so crazy-
ALL: It just might work!!!

> "What?"
> Joel sighed. He just wasn't sure. But what was there to lose
>anymore?

MIKE: Yeah, I mean, after you've been forced to star in a crappy fanfic,
there's really nowhere to go but up.

> "If I'm right about what happened to your partner, she would
>have a mark..." Joel turned to Mulder, pulling down the collar of his
>shirt to reveal a small, circular red mark on his shoulder. "...like
>mine."

MIKE: Ummm... Isn't the mark on their neck?

> Mulder sighed. "The implant."
> Joel looked up in surprise. "You knew about the implant? Most of
>the test subjects don't even know about it, I didn't find out until the
>second year."

TOM: While watching _Ring_of_Terror_.
CROW: Good one, Tom.

> "Scully found a tiny chip lodged in her upper back. It was
>removed, though."
> Joel turned away. "I guess I was right. God, I wish I wasn't.

TOM: So do we.

>The only reason they would take her back would be if he had decided to use
>her." This was it.

MIKE: What was it?
CROW: Who's talking here?

> " You need to know. You might not believe what I have
>to say."

MIKE: This is MULDER- he believes anything!

> Mulder almost laughed. "Mr. Robinson,

CROW: <as Mulder> Are you tyring to seduce me?
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: You didn't mind when I said it about Scully!
TOM: Yeah, Mike- don't be so heterosexist.
MIKE: All right, all right. Oh, and Tom...
TOM: Yes?
MIKE: Never use that word again.

> I've dealt with things much
>stranger than most people would encounter in a horror movie.

MIKE: He DOES work for the government, after all.

> I think you
>can trust me."

TOM: Wait- he doesn't trust anyone, but expects everyone to trust HIM?

> "What I wouldn't give to trust someone."
> "Are you going to tell me what happened to you?"
> "I think your partner was taken to the testing grounds for the SOL
>project. There are...were...lots of us. They'd take people from all
>over, all ages, all ethnic groups, children from nine years old to adults
>of almost ninety. The experiments they performed were crueller than
>anything imaginable.

TOM: They made you watch BAD movies, for cryin' in the beer! Gee, this
isn't the Spanish Inquisition!
CROW: NO-body expects the Spanish Inquisition!

> And I don't even know why. I've lost years,
>probably the rest of my life to this damn project and I don't even know
>why."

TOM: Because Dr. Forrester wants to take over the world... Doi.

> Joel looked at Mulder, as if to read his thoughts.

MIKE: <as Joel> Are you reading my thoughts? Stop reading my thoughts!

> "You may not
>believe me, but I was one of the only ones to survive. Most of the
>others...they were too weak...they couldn't take it anymore. Some of
>them, some just died under the pressure. Others just ended it. I wish I
>had. Because I was stronger than the rest, they picked me. An honor,
>they said, to be chosen.

CROW: Whee!
TOM: <sarcasm sequencer, as Joel> Oh, gee, I'm so HONORED to be chosen for
your little "project"...

> "I lost six and a half years of my life to their project.
>Finally, finally I escaped from that awful satellite.

TOM: And left us behind!
CROW: AAAAAHH!

> I think I'm free.

MIKE: <singing> I-i'm freee! And freedom tastes of reality!

>And then...this."

TOM: What? What?

> Joel gestured at the bare cell around him. Mulder was speechless
>for a moment. "And Scully..."
> "Will be next."
> "Come with me. I'm getting you out of here."

TOM: Woo-hoo- jailbreak!!

>********************
>Gizmonic Institute
>Eden Prairie, Minnesota
>January 29, 1996, 2:50 p.m.

MIKE: It was hot-
CROW: Can we STOP that, please...
MIKE: <sigh>

>
> Joel's eyes were fixed on the doorway.

TOM: Then he took them off and put them back in his head!

> He'd never wanted to come
>back here. As much as he wanted to help Mulder, the sight of the
>Institute had called up memories he'd tried so hard to suppress. *Pull
>yourself together*...Joel breathed deeply, and followed Mulder inside.

TOM: Well, I see Gizmonic is as well guarded as NASA...
MIKE: You have to break through 15 levels of code to get into their
computer, but then you can just walk right into their front door!

> Mulder was a little surprised at the normal look of the Institute.
>From what Joel had told him, he had almost expected it to be a dark,
>sinister place full of dungeons and torture devices...

TOM: Oh, no, they keep those in the basement.
CROW: Well, actually...
TOM: Yeah...

>Instead, it was a well maintained, cheerfully lit building with busy
>scientists walking through the wide hallways. The Lone Gunmen seemed to
>think it would be like that, too. They had called earlier to admit that
>their search had turned up nothing. Of course, Joel could help him more
>than the files. "Can you show me where the testing area is?"

TOM: Uh-oh... I hope Joel's good at tests...
MIKE: I always get so nervous...

> Sighing, as if reluctant to go,

TOM: Well, seeing as Katie has made out Gizmonic to be part of the evil
"shadow government", and made Dr. Forrester out to be akin to Satan
himself, How do you expect him to react?!

> Joel nodded. "Yeah. It's
>restricted access, but I was a janitor here and the handprint panel should
>still be programmed with my pattern. I hope. Follow me."

MIKE: Well, of cooourrrssee... He left Gizmonic 2 years ago, and they
know he's nuts, but they'll still have his handprint programmed in
their computers...
TOM: Of COURSE...

> Mulder had a chance to look around as they passed long corridors,
>laboratories, and waiting rooms. Workers bustled about, all dressed in
>similar red jumpsuits.

MIKE: I prefer blue jumpsuits, myself...

> The scientists wore the trademark white lab coats,
>but with a bright red and yellow patch bearing their name. Mulder glanced
>at the cafeteria.

TOM: But don't try the "mystery meat".
CROW: I wonder if that's what they do with all the subjects who don't make
it?
MIKE: CROW!

> Tables were dotted around a central circular enclosure
>bearing the Gizmonic logo and the words "Big G Burger". Carts were being
>pushed through the halls around him, holding vials, test tubes and even a
>cage of tiny white mice.

TOM: <as Pinky> What are we gonna do tonight, Brain?
CROW: <as Brain> The same thing we do every night, Pinky- TRY TO TAKE OVER
THE WORLD!

> Everybody passing flashed him

MIKE: WHOAH!

> a smile.

MIKE: Oh.

> It was
>hard to believe anything so sinister was going on here.

MIKE: Isn't this the same guy who finds menace and conspiracy lurking
around every corner?

> However, when they reached the basement, the scenery became
>significantly more threatening. Tubes and pipes criss-crossed overhead,
>and a steady dripping could be heard from an adjoining corridor.

MIKE: With all the money they make, you think they could fix a leaky
faucet...
TOM: Either that or they just walked onto the _Aliens_ set.

> The
>passageway was barely lit, and seemingly deserted. As if sensing Mulder's
>thoughts,

TOM: Boy, EVERYONE in this story can read minds...
CROW: Good thing Scully couldn't read Dr. F's mind when he had her strapped
to that chair...

> Joel remarked "No one comes down here much."
> Abruptly, the corridor ended. A metal door was fit into the wall,
>with an iridescent lime green panel next to it. Joel's face tensed. If
>they had changed this thing, he didn't know what he would do. For all he
>knew, it could even be booby trapped to his ID.

TOM: No- that would make too much sense...

> Swallowing his fear,

CROW: Which tasted a lot like Pep-o-mint Lifesavers...

> Joel
>walked up to the panel. Pressing his hand lightly against it, the green
>plastic seemed to almost melt to conform to the shape of his hand. A
>chime sounded, and a female voice spoke from some unseen speaker.
>"Welcome, Joel."

TOM: OF COURSE...

> Soundlessly, the elevator doors slid open. Joel breathed a sigh
>of relief. A bit dazed, Mulder

TOM: He should stop sniffing glue...

> followed Joel passively into the chamber.
>There were two buttons in the wall next to the doors. "Door Open" and
>"Door Close".

MIKE: Well, gee, what other options are there?

> "How do you get to the right floor? There aren't any other
>buttons."

TOM: Hello? Who's talking in this scene??

> Joel didn't bother to look up. "There's only one floor to go to."

MIKE: <menacingly> Du-du-dum...

> As the doors closed again, an emblem with a triangle painted the
>same lime green as the panel showed. Words across it read: "Deep 13"

ALL: BOOOOO!!!

> in
>large white letters. Whirring softly, the elevator began to travel
>downward alarmingly fast.

MIKE: And Mulder's lunch was coming UP alarmingly fast...
'BOTS: Ewww...

> Mulder looked a bit nervous. "Is this thing
>safe?"

TOM: <as Joel> <laugh> Suuurre... Of course...

> "It's fine. We just have a long way to go."

CROW: <singing> It's a long way/ To Tipperary!

>****************
>
> Scully's head was throbbing. She couldn't take much more of this.
> Her forehead was dripping with sweat. "Please...please stop."

MIKE: DON'T even THINK about it, Crow...

> She spoke weakly. The dreadful images on the screen continued to
>play. A voice spoke from above her. "Stop? Why, we haven't even gotten
>to the good part yet. Oh, watch this."

TOM: So, let me get this straight- Crow and I have survived this for, what
7 years, and Scully can't stand a few hours? They probably aren't
even showing her "Manos"!

> Scully didn't move. She didn't want to have to see any more of
>the awful movie. Suddenly, an electric shock shot through her body.

MIKE: Hey, now- that's just plain unfair!
TOM: Yeah!
ALL: Boo!

>Leaping upright, she screamed as maniacal laughter drifted down. "Dana,
>the movie's no fun if you don't pay attention."

TOM: Actually, I find a lot of the movies a lot more fun if you don't pay
attention.
MIKE: I dunno, I just think Scully needs a couple friends like you two to
help her riff the movies like we do!
TOM: Yeah!
<ALL make general partying noises>

> Trying to avert her gaze without letting Forrester notice, she
>glimpsed a quick movement out of the corner of her eye.

MIKE: <as Scully> AH! A mouse! AAAHH!

> Craning her neck
>a little to see behind her, she saw the top of a messy head of brown hair
>slowly creeping down the aisle behind her. *Mulder*....

CROW: Uh-oh... She's starting to have delusions...
MIKE: Sad, really...

> Looking away
>again, she tried desperately not to draw attention to him.

ALL: TOO LATE!

> But it was no
>use. Mulder knocked against a chair,

ALL: <laughing>
MIKE: And THIS guy is a special agent for the FBI?

> making a loud bang.

TOM: <falsetto> What was the bang?
MIKE: Oh... That's pretty obscure...

> "What was
>that!?"

TOM: I just said that!

> Forrester leapt from the glass viewing booth behind her.

CROW: And zipped up his pants...
MIKE: CROW!
TOM: Oh, THANKS, Crow! I'm gonna have nightmares now!
CROW: Ummm... Actually, so am I...
MIKE: Oh, that's it, Crow, no RAM chips for you tonight...

> Jumping
>up from her chair, Scully sprinted up the aisle of the dark movie theater,

MIKE: But got stuck on all the junk that the others had left on the
theater floor...
TOM: Oh, I hate that...

>hoping to distract Forrester enough for Mulder to get away.

TOM: Scully save Mulder? Ha! Like THAT ever happens...
MIKE: It happened once! Only once...

> Seeing her,
>Mulder jumped up from his hiding place. "Scully!" Scully frowned. There
>was obviously no use in trying to divert Forrester now.

CROW: I dunno- he's pretty dumb...

> He was headed
>right toward them. "Mulder, run!"

TOM: <as Mulder> Thanks, Scully, I NEVER woulda thought of that by myself!

> He didn't move.

TOM: Ok, so maybe he wouldn't have...

> "Get out of here NOW!"
> But by then it was too late. Forrester ran up behind Mulder,
>knocking him to the floor.

MIKE: Boy, they've REALLY lowered the IQ requirements for getting into the
FBI, haven't they?

> Scully tried to push Forrester away, but she
>was already weak

TOM: Weak... from watching bad movies...??

> and no match for the large scientist.

MIKE: Wait... I thought we were talking about FORRESTER?
TOM: "Large"?? Has Katie actually WATCHED _MST3K_, you think?
CROW: What's _MST3K_?
TOM: ...Never mind...

> Mulder jumped to
>his feet, kicking Forrester sharply in the stomach.

MIKE: Oh, NOW he does something...

> In the moment it took
>for him to recover, Mulder whipped his gun from his pocket. "Don't you
>dare move!"

TOM: Knowing Forrester, he's just wet his pants...

> Forrester looked stunned for a moment. "Damn you FBI people.
>Don't you go anywhere unarmed?"

MIKE: <as Mulder> Ummm... No?

> "Shut up and come with me. We're taking you in."

TOM: Yeah, uh-huh.. THAT'LL happen...
CROW: Doesn't really matter; he knows Cancer Man, he'll be out before the
paperwork's dry.

> Forrester shook his head, seeming to laugh to himself.

MIKE: He does that a lot... I'm worried about him...
TOM: Really?
MIKE: Well... No, not really.

> "I don't
>think so."

CROW: <as Dr. F> Oh, I don't THINK so...
MIKE: Don't DO that!
TOM: He's scaring me, Mike...
MIKE: <holding TOM> It's ok...

> Lunging quickly for Mulder, he managed to push him to the ground,
>knocking the gun out of his grasp. Scully leapt towards the weapon, but
>not before Forrester grabbed it from her.

MIKE: <speechless for a second> Dr. Forrester- OUR Dr. Forrester just
bested TWO FBI agents??!
TOM: OH, Katie, Katie, Katie...

> "I really don't like
>roughhousing.

MIKE: <as Dr. F> Unless it involves leather and Vaseline...
<short pause>
ALL: Ewwww...

> Dana, I think we're going to have to start your transport
>earlier than predicted.

TOM: Beam 'er up, Scotty!

> But first," he cocked the gun, "I'd better take
>care of your troublesome partner."

TOM: So, Dr. F. is gonna kill Mulder... I don't know whether to boo or
cheer...
MIKE: TOM!
TOM: Hehehe...

> Suddenly, his legs were knocked out from under him. Joel sprang
>up, gesturing to the agents. "Run! While you have the chance...."

TOM: JOEL!
CROW: YAY!!!
ALL: JOEL! JOEL! JOEL!

> He was cut off by a whack from the butt of the gun.

ALL: BOOO!

> "You've
>caused me enough trouble already, Joel. Why can't you just stay wherever
>you were? You won. You don't have to rub my face in it."

TOM: <as Joel> Oh, but it's so much fun!

> As Joel jumped for the gun again, Scully tried to pull Mulder
>away. "Let's get out of here before we get killed too."

CROW: Oh, geez, thanks for NOTHIN', Scully!
MIKE: Boo!

> He just stared
>at her blankly.

TOM: So, it's just like every other-
MIKE: TOM!

> "We can't just leave him."

MIKE: Yeah!
CROW: Good for you, Mulder!

> Mulder tried to go to help
>Joel, but Scully pulled him back. "I don't want you getting shot.
>Please."

TOM: This is getting SO depressing...
MIKE: "Getting"?

> In silence, they watched the struggle.

MIKE: They're TWO FBI agents; and they're just standing there!?

> Joel had succeeded in pushing Forrester up against a wall.

ALL: JOEL! JOEL! JOEL!

>Lashing out with his foot, Forrester shoved him violently away. "I've had
>enough of these games."

MIKE: Oh, they're playing Parcheesi!

> Without a word, Forrester fired the gun.
> He was too close to miss.

ALL: AAAAAHHH!!!
TOM: JOEL!
MIKE: NO!!!!
CROW: Damn you, KATIE!!!!

> Running with the weapon still clutched in his hand, Forrester
>disappeared down a corridor.

CROW: Oh, gee- the bad guy got away- THERE'S a shock...
TOM: Just like every-
CROW & MIKE: TOM!

> Mulder ran to Joel's side. A widening pool
>of blood was spreading from Joel's chest.

TOM: <sobbing> This isn't happening...
MIKE: Oh, boy...

> His dazed blue eyes fluttered
>open. "Mulder..."

CROW: <with effort, as Joel> I love you...
MIKE: <tying to be cheerful> Good one, Crow...

> Mulder tried to stop the bleeding, but there was nothing he could
>do.

MIKE: I'm an FBI agent, not a doctor!
CROW: Wait, isn't Scully a doctor.
MIKE: Yeah, but not a very good one. Most of the people she works are
already dead!

> "Mulder, it wasn't your fault. My life wasn't worth the trouble
>anymore. I..."

TOM: That's not trrrrrue... Joel...

> His voice faltered as he coughed weakly. "...I forgot how
>to trust anyone.

MIKE: <nervously> So... He and Mulder have a lot in common, eh guys?
Guys?
<Both 'bots are sobbing>

> You still...you still have the chance...don't waste
>it...."
> And with a sad sigh, he was gone.

CROW: NOOO!!!!
TOM: DAAAADDDDDDDDDYYYYY!!! <Tom's dome EXPLODES. Crow and Mike scream in
shock>
MIKE: You know, We could deal with _Radar_Secret_Service_... We lived
through McElwain... We even survived RATLIFF. But this time, Dr.
Forrester- This time YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!
CROW: <between sobs> And it's not even over! JOOOELLLL...
MIKE: Ummm.. Maybe you two should go lie down... I'll finish this...
<MIKE hands Tom to Crow, and they leave the theater>

>*******************
>FBI Headquarters
>February 1, 1996, 2:52 p.m.

MIKE: I dunno know who to hate more... Dr. F or Katie...

>
> "Mulder."
> Scully gently touched her partner's arm. With a start, he looked
>up at her with hollowed eyes. "Scully...I must have drifted off."

MIKE: <as Scully> Oh, you always fall asleep...

> "Mulder, we need to talk about what happened. Look, you tried.
>There was just nothing you could do. Hell, I'm more to blame than you. I
>was the one that wouldn't let you go to him. I...I just didn't want to
>lose you for nothing."

MIKE: Awww... How sweet... <makes retching sound>

> Mulder sighed. "I don't know. I should have helped him, I could
>have done something."

MIKE: So why didn't you, Nimrod??

> "Yeah, gotten yourself killed. What would that do?"

MIKE: Well, a lot of the fans would be happy...

> "He actually trusted me. I let him down. I let everybody down."

MIKE: Whine, whine, whine...

> "Are you kidding? You saved my life...or at least my sanity. I
>don't know what I'd do without you."

MIKE: Get a vibrator? Oh, Lord, Crow's rubbing off on me...

> Mulder looked away. "Without me, you wouldn't be in this mess to
>begin with, and you wouldn't have lost your sister and three months of
>your life. I can't say I'm quite a good influence. You'd probably be
>better off if you'd never even heard of 'Spooky' Mulder."

MIKE: Well, I'll give ya that...

> "Mulder, this isn't just your 'quest' anymore. It's mine, too.
>And I can't imagine not having you around."

MIKE: Try, dear...

> "I couldn't take it if you disappeared again."
> "You don't have to worry about me. I can take care of myself."

MIKE: Which is why Mulder has to save you in every episode, right?

> "I know. I just keep thinking about what Joel said. You're the
>only person I really trust. I can't lose that. It's too important to
>me."
> "Me too."

MIKE: I think I'm gonna be ill...

> Not wanting to break the silence, both sat together in the dim
>room.

MIKE: <as Scully> Let's just cuddle, ok?

> They had both lost so much, and were still so far from the truth.

MIKE: So, it's just like every other week...

>Guiltily looking at her watch,

MIKE: She's guilty for looking at her watch?

> Scully sighed. "Mulder, I have a meeting
>in a minute. Are you going to be okay?"

MIKE: Is he ever?

> Mulder's face remained drawn and tired. "Yeah."

MIKE: <as Mulder> I'm not tired, I'm just drawn that way!

> Turning, Scully began to walk out the door. Mulder spoke again.
>"Scully, thanks."
> "For what?"
> "For being my friend."

MIKE: Yeah, ok, whatever... <sigh of relief> It's over! Thank God!
Katie! You got some 'splainin' to do!
<Mike gets up and leaves in disgust>

CROW: Joel, we hardly knew ya.
TOM: It was too soon. A bright light extinguished from the sky.
CROW: To think that you would ever meet your end.

GYPSY: Hey, guys, what's up? <looks around> Ooh, who died?

MIKE: Gypsy, the guys are sad because Joel died in a fanfic.
GYPSY: How can that be? I just read a great story where he defeats the evil
of Doctor Forrestor. I found it while looking for pictures of Richard
Baseheart.
MIKE: Hmm, think you could transmit it to the guys?
GYPSY: Sure, hook us up.

GYPSY: "3000: A Space Oddity" go!

BOTH: Joel!
BOTH: <shudder> Splunkies.
BOTH: Would you like fries with that?
BOTH: The Fictional-Character-Creating Machine of Death (patent pending)!
BOTH: Beeper!
BOTH: ToRgO!
TOM: Baragon!
CROW: Gaos!
TOM: Guiron!
CROW: The Stinky Guy!
BOTH: Teenagers from Outer Space!
BOTH: TOR!
BOTH: MR. B NATURAL! AAIIEE!!

TOM: Oh, wow, I feel so much better now.
CROW: We let one crappy fanfic get to us, and look what happens.
MIKE: You can't believe everything you read. Just because one person
writes it, doesn't make it so.
TOM: That sounds suspiciously like a moral.
CROW: You're right. Get him!

MIKE: What do you think, sirs?

DR F: You may have survived that, but I nearly broke you. Next time, I'll
get you. You and your dog.
PEARL: They don't have a dog.
DR F: Well, then I'll give them a dog, and then I'll get it.

MULDER: <from other side> FBI. Open up.

MULDER: We believe you are performing experiments that endanger people's
lives.
DR F: You'll never prove anything!

DR F: Well, looks like this may not have been a waste after all. Expect a
new delivery soon, boys.

<Grinning, Dr. F strides forwards and pushes the button.>

--\ | /
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fwshhhh

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

No personal attack on the author intended, just on what she wrote.

"3000: A Space Oddity" was written by Mike Barklage, and can be found at
his web page at http://rtt.colorado.edu/~barklage/mst/mst.html (as well as
Ratliff horror).