Mystery Hylian Theater 3000

Part 1

**

The great Deku Tree stood motionless in it's portion of the Kokiri Forest. Deep within the dense expanse of trees, the glorious figure dwarfed all in it's close surroundings. It was protector of the forest. It lived alnongside the peaceful Kokiri. Peace was what it believed and hoped for. It had lasted for many an eon, attempting with all it's might to uphold peace, and eventually it felt it had succeeded.

But now, it felt that the peace of the land of Hyrule and it's surrounding areas was threatened by some dark presence. It's feelings had been acknowledged by the visions it was having.

Then there was the man from the Desert.

But, maybe it was just it's mind playing tricks. After all, the Deku Tree had been around for billions of years in spirit form, surely it couldn't stay totally sane for that long.....

It could only wait and see....

**

The Satellite Of Love plummeted through the worm-hole's almost totally age-ruined opening. The hole had begun to collapse almost a thousand years ago, and now it was practically rotting with old age. Still, the inhabitants of the Satellite Of Love had decided their only way forward was to traverse the dangerous tunnel of the worm-hole.

They'd decided to do this mainly because of the fifteen alien warships pursuing them at attacking speed close behind. Of course, another factor was that Crow had failed to point out the worm-hole's condition to Mike, who would've surely refused had he known.

To fully explain why the fifteen warships were heading after the SOL would take a whole lot of explaining, but to put a long story short....

**

It had been an average day on the SOL. Servo was counting, and then re-counting his underwear collection. Gypsy was vacuuming up all the toe-nails that Crow had somehow left lying around. Crow was busy wondering how he had toe-nails when he had no real toes. Cambot was attempting to make a link up to the Sci-Fi Channel on his Heads-Up-Display, to no avail. Whereas Mike had decided to make a change. He was going to do something different.

Mike had woken up early, 6:00 am, hoping to get to the broom closet before Gypsy could. He was in luck, and managed to nab the nifty Space-Buggy from under Gypsy's nose. Before the deeply purple 'bot could notice, he was floating outside the Satellite in the stealthy space-vehicle. Mike needed this, he had needed it for a long time, to get out into the wide open and simply float. To let his mind wander a kajillion miles away, and to forget that he was forced to watch bad movies. Even the Space-Buggy was forced to stay within five kilometres of the SOL's hull, one metre over the line and it would self-destruct.

Unfortunately, with all his wondering, Mike failed to notice the small armada of warships heading in his vicinity. This was mostly due to the earphones covering his ears, which produced a constant length of depressing, deep toned music from the hearts of space. Chilling, new-age music. Mike hated it, but it was the only thing available on the space-buggy's radio.

As Mike was listening to the music, he shut his eyes and dreamed. He dreamed of a cold Wisconsin morning. He dreamed of Earth in all it's beauty. He thought of how wonderful it would be to step out onto the cold snow again, and feel it under his feet. Opening his eyes for a second, he looked down at Earth. Of course, he was in the past, so it wasn't his Earth. It felt different. Shutting his eyes again, he failed to sense the large ship passing nearby until it was too late. As it passed, it knocked the space buggy that Mike was sitting in, and Mike was sent hurtling round and round in a circle. Finally, Mike stopped spinning, and he started to turn around to face the ships.

"Hey, you dumb jerk! Watch where you're going!" He yelled through his Universal-Intercom, which allowed any ships in the nearby area to hear what he said in whatever language the ships used. Then, when he stopped yelling, he smiled in satisfaction.

This smile was quickly erased from his face, as the armada of ships stopped in it's tracks. Mike slowly realised that maybe he should work on his self-control, but it was too late now. Then, fifteen ships of the armada split off from the main group and turned to face Mike.

"Oh, crap!" Mike hissed. He span the buggy round and headed for the SOL's docking bay. When he got into the SOL's main bay, he quickly packed away the buggy, hoping that Gypsy wouldn't notice it was missing. He hurriedly skipped up the stairs that led to the Bridge. As he ran, he knocked Crow out of his seat by the virtual-fire that he had got Gypsy to construct. Crow stood up.

"Whoah, Mike, slow down!" urged Crow. "What's the deal?"

"Uh," murmured Mike. "Nothing much, we just gotta get outta here somehow!"

"Why's that, Mikey?" Crow asked, walking over to the Hex-Field Viewscreen.

"Just trust me, Crow," Mike ordered. "There's a really good reason, and you've gotta help me out!"

Crow, perplexed at Mike's oddness, turned on the Hex-Field Viewscreen and had a good look outside the SOL. The Viewscreen showed nothing but empty Space.

"Mike, honey," said Crow. "Are you feeling okay? I don't see anything that we need bother with...."

Then, Crow turned the Hex-Field's view-point around by 180 degrees. There, in all their chrome-plated glory, were fifteen grey warships heading right for the SOL.

"Oh, Mike," whimpered Crow. "Why must you cause so much hatred with the alien races that infest the galaxy?"

"Crow!" shouted Mike. "We gotta figure out a way to break the tractor beam that Observer's got on us! Any ideas?"

Just then, Tom Servo hovered onto the Bridge, he was holding a video-tape in his dangling arm. His care-free posture suggested he had no idea of the impending doom that they were in.

"Oh, hey fellas," Servo grunted. "Guess what? I finally got me a copy of 'Underwear Collections Of The Stars!' and I'm really happy about it! Now I'll be able to see what kind of underwear people like....oh....say, Donald Pleasance wears! Just think, soon the secrets of Hollywood's finest will be spread out before me! I'm so giddy, could you guys get a bucket of cold water so I can cool off?"

"Tom!" shouted Mike.

"What??" asked Servo. "Aren't you even slightly interested in seeing what someone like Adam Sandler wears under his pants?"

All the crew of the Satellite Of Love slowly realised what a disturbing thing Tom had just said, and shuddered. Even Gypsy, who was busy working on a rusted pipe down in the basement, felt a shiver go up her body.

"Anyway," said Servo. "I've really gotta see this tape, so if I could have the Hex-Field Viewscreen for a couple of seconds?"

"Tom! Listen!" shouted Mike.

As Servo ignored Mike, the Red Communication Button flashed. Crow leaned over from where he stood and pushed it with his face. Pearl and Brain Guy appeared on the Frontal Viewscreen at the other end of the Bridge.

--

"Ah, Nelson," grinned Pearl. "I trust you're ready for some freakish fist-full of formidable...fun! Because that's exactly what you're gonna get, right Brain Guy?"

Observer nodded, his greeny-blue brain gleamed in the torch-light of Castle Forrester. He smirked.

"So," Pearl chuckled. "Let me just go and get your little treat! Brain Guy, make sure these guys don't do anything stupid, like escape, while I'm gone!"

"As you wish," muttered Observer, turning his full attention on the trio on the SOL's Bridge.

--

Meanwhile, back on the Bridge, Mike was attempting to hot wire the SOL somehow. He had gotten down underneath the desk and was twisting and ripping at random wires that he found. Whilst he did this, Servo put on his new video on the Hex-Field Viewscreen.

"Greetings," said a voice from the Hex-Field's speakers. "Welcome to 'Underwear Collections Of The Stars'! On this fine collector's item, you will find many of the pantie-filled pass-times of the celebrities that inhabit, and those who have previously inhabited, Hollywood. First up, it's that glam-tastic geek, Eddie Deezen!"

"Oh, goodie!" giggled Servo, giddily.

--

Down in Castle Forrester, Observer had found himself intrigued by the antics of the human and his robot buddies. In fact, he had now become a little too intrigued.

"Oh, Lord of all that is good and pure," gasped Observer. "Is that really.....Eddie Deezen's under-garments????"

--

"Sure is!" Servo replied, happily. "You should see his Y-Fronts, they're a real treat!"

"Servo, will you shuttup?" ordered Mike. "I'm trying to hot-wire an extremely dangerous and perhaps explosive spaceship, and you're chatting about panties to some white-faced freak!"

"Well, he seemed interested!" Servo snapped.

--

Observer, overcome with repulsion and shock, began to shudder. His face turned from white to....a darker white, and he clasped at his brain as best he could to try and keep stable. He failed, and fell backward. Attempting to keep a steady balance yet again, he span over and pushed out with his hands. Unfortunately, his hands were keeping his brain held up, and the bowl that held his brain shattered.

Observer's eyes rolled upward, only to see his brain bounce many feet into the smoke-filled air of Castle Forrester, and fall all the way back down onto his head. It made a sort of *splat* sound, and he lost conciousness.

--

The SOL jerked.

"Huh?" wondered Crow, who had been busy playing with his chicken puppet in his room until all this blew over. "The last time we experienced a jerk like that was when we re-gained control of the Satellite back when the Observer's planet was destroyed!"

Crow scuttled up to the Main Bridge as fast as he could, finding things no different than how he left them. Servo was laughing at Jodie Foster's underwear, and Mike was messing with the highly-fragile inner workings of the SOL.

"Uh, guys?" Crow whispered. "I think-"

"Hush, Crow!" hissed Mike. "I almost got it!"

Mike took two wires out of the huge pile that lay in his lap, and brought them together quickly. The SOL jerked.

"Aha!" Mike cried. He raised his arms to the air, grinning in triumph. "Yes!! See?"

Mike turned to Servo and Crow. "See? I did it!"

"Sure you did, Mike," Crow nodded, sarcastically. "Then how come all the lights went out?"

Mike looked around. Indeed, they were in total darkness.

"Oh, so I got a few wires mixed up!" Mike yelled. "Big deal!"

"Hey, guys," Servo turned around, puzzled. "How come we aren't on our usual course?"

"What do you mean, Tom?" asked Mike.

They all huddled around the course-plotting graph that Servo had put up on the Hex-Field Viewscreen. It seemed that they had deviated from the correct course by a considerable amount in the past few minutes.

"Hey," blurted Mike. "What in the Hell-?"

"Like I was trying to tell you," grumbled Crow. "We're not under control anymore! I think we're free to go!!!"

Mike and Servo slowly realised what Crow had told them. All three of them looked out into the deep void of space through the window positioned high above them. They warships were practically on top of them.

Servo, crying like a girl, hovered round in a circle at his highest speed. Crow tapped his feet impatiently. Mike, who realised what he had to do, stepped over to the SOL's controls, and placed his clammy hands onto the steering wheel. They were surprisingly warm. Then he realised he was holding onto the SOL's Central Heating Core, and pulled his hands away before they burnt right off. Then, after placing his hands on the true steering wheel, he pulled back on the acceleration lever, and they sped away into the darkness.

**

Mike's eyes dropped to the SOL's controls. They seemed so blurry, so fuzzy. He rubbed his eyes, and quickly brought his hands back down to the controls so not to send them crashing into any asteroids that might be passing. He was having trouble seeing in such a dark light, but he was used to the ship after such a long time on board.

The warships were close behind. Servo was chartering their speed and distance, and kept yelling out phrases such as "Mommy!" and "Mike, ya feeb, get us outta here!!". It made it hard for Mike to concentrate, but that was what made it so fun.

Crow, always settling for the easy job, was scanning for Worm-holes. So far, there was no sign of any anomalies at all in their vicinity. But now, as his mind began to wander, the scanner emitted a series of dull bleeps. His eyeballs zoomed down to look at the scanner. What he read was: "WARNING: Worm-hole in deep decay! Stay away at all costs!".

"Oh Mike!" called Crow. "We're nearing a worm-hole!"

"Is it safe?" murmured Mike, who was so busy concentrating on steering that he didn't really have his attention focused on what Crow said.

"Oh, sure!" Crow replied. Then, under his breath, he added: "If you're a dumb, chunk-head..."

"Excellent work, Crow!" congratulated Servo. "And I thought that all the worm-holes in this area were highly dangerous! Well, that's one for the book!"

"Shuttup, Servo," Crow hissed. The two 'bots exchanged looks, and then both looked to Mike. It was up to him to decide what to do.

"I guess," Mike grimaced. "We should go in. It's our only chance at survival..."

"Woo-hoo!" Crow whooped.

The SOL, under Mike's control, took a large dip, and fell into the Worm-hole.

**

And so, that is how it came to pass that, on that fateful morning, the Satellite Of Love crossed the path between dimensions. It broke the boundaries of time, traversed the plains of sub-space, and entered a world that no human had ever, or will ever, entered.

**

"Navi?" called the voice. "Navi the fairy, where art thou?"

The fairy known by the name of Navi slowly rose from it's resting place.

"Ah," The Deku Tree boomed. "There thou art! Navi, my most trusted of fairies, the time hath come. A great evil threatens the land of Hyrule. I hath not much time to explain the details, but thou can guess it's of great concern. Thou, Navi, must travel to the young boy in the Kokiri village. The one who owns no fairy."

Navi, it's tiny head bouncing, nodded.

"So it begins," The Deku Tree sighed as Navi floated away to find the child. "But, as I feel it begin, I feel as though something....awful hath happened......"

--

Navi, it's blue glow shining amid the dark green color of the forest, glided smoothly amid the many Kokiri that dwelt in the village. It passed by perhaps ten Kokiri until it finally found the house owned by the boy without a fairy. Reading the sign, it saw that the boy's name was Link. Skipping through the air, it lanced upward in an arc, and gracefully came to a halt inside the boy's house.

The boy, Link, was resting on his bed. His sleep was troubled, Navi could see that. He seemed different to all the Kokiri that Navi had passed in the forest, but that was to be expected. After all, this boy was to become the Hero Of Time.

Navi, getting impatient, called out to Link.

"Link!" shouted Navi. "Come on, get up! It's......"

Then, something unexpected happened. A loud, buzzing, terrible noise began to fill the air. Navi covered it's ears, it was something huge. Maybe a demon from the depths of the Earth! Maybe Navi had been too late, and the time had come when Hyrule was to be destroyed!

"Hurry!!" cried Navi. "Time is short! We must go now!!!"

Link slowly rose. He rubbed his eyes and caught sight of the fairy. His jaw gaped, and he attempted to snatch at the fairy to stop it moving around so fast.

"We must get out of this house now!!" Navi whimpered. "Something awful is about to happen!"

Link, confused, stepped out of bed and followed Navi outside of his house. They climbed down the wooden ladder, down onto the green grass that formed the floor of the Kokiri forest. As they reached the bottom, Navi noticed a massing crowd of Kokiri outside the house. Perplexed, Navi saw that they were looking up into the air above Link's home. Navi, following suit, gazed up into the sky.

A large ball of fire, perhaps larger than the great Deku Tree itself, was plummeting down toward the Kokiri village. It contained a long, bone-shaped object inside of it, which was clearly bigger than any bone Navi had ever seen. Probably larger than all the bones in the world put together! Navi shuddered, was this the thing to destroy Hyrule? What humiliation this would create! The future generations of beings would look back, and would wonder how such a foolish race could be totally destroyed by a mere bone...

And then, the object collided with the ground.


END OF PART 1