Mystery Hylian Theater 3000

Part 5

**

"KiLl!" Talon ordered. "KiLl ThE iNtRuDeRs!"

The chicken creatures continued on their path toward the trio, swooping down on them with their sharp claws facing downward. Their beady eyes glowed a dull red color, and their beaks seemed to have been sharpened to a point. The white robes they wore seemed like they should have weighed them down somehow, yet they flew with surprising skill. Leaving a constant stream of ruffled feathers spluttering out from behind them, they eventually bore down on Mike, Crow, and Servo.

"Owie!" Crow yelped, one of the chickens had got it's tiny claw stuck in his net. Crow hopped up and down, attempting to shake the creature out.

"Leggo my hair!" Mike was also having trouble, a chicken had clasped a small tuft of his darkish blonde hair and was trying to yank him upward.

Tom Servo, however, was having no trouble at dodging the flying creatures, his hover skirt propelling him in every direction he needed to go to avoid being knocked. Occasionally he'd remain in one position and then suddenly fly upward at the last minute to avoid on the chickens, with a yell of "Toro!".

"Servo, you don't think you could possibly, oh, I don't know, help us????" Crow said, leaping out of the way of one chicken as it dove down on him.

"Sorry, Crow," Tom hovered over to one of the stables. "I'd like to, I really would, it's just I have prior engagements which involve getting the Hell outta here!"

"Chicken!" Crow yelled after Servo, who was quickly making an escape. A flock of the chicken creatures turned their heads in Crow's direction. "No, no, I meant Servo..."

"Haha! Suckers..." Servo muttered, his hover skirt propelling him through the door of the stable. As he entered the doorway, one of his dangling arms knocked a small bag of birdfeed onto the floor, which promptly spilled it's contents onto the floor. "Wow. Isn't it lucky someone just happened to put that there?"

"AcTuaLlY I'Ve BeEn UsInG tHaT bAg tO sTOrE mY eXcEsS dUnG..." Talon said.

"You put cow dung in paper bags and just leave them lying around?" Servo asked.

"No, mY dUnG," Talon corrected. "IsN't ThAt WhAt I jUsT sAiD?"

"Ah," Tom Servo's red sheen seemed to turn a dark green. "Excuse me one second..."

Hiding behind a hay stack, Servo did the robot equivalent of puking. While he did this, Mike and Crow started fighting back against the chickens as best they could. Mike grabbed a rake and begin jabbing the creatures with it as best he could. Crow grabbed as many as he could and began slowly plucking their feathers out with his mouth. When he was done, he put the plucked chicken to one side and started work on the next one. After ten minutes, nearly half the chickens were hopping around, their featherless bodies baking in the sun.

"ThE mAsTeR wOuLd NoT aPpPrOvE oF yOu StRiPpInG hIs WiVeS!" Talon waved his staff at the golden 'bot.

"Bite me," Crow picked up another chicken.

Talon, enraged by the defeat of most of the chicken creatures, picked up his staff and walked over to Crow. Tapping Crow on the back with the large stick, he swiftly grabbed the robot by the net and yanked him over to a long pole in the ground. He took a length of rope from his pocket and set to work tying the 'bot to the pole.

"I'm not Crow of Arc, buddy," Crow wrestled with Talon's grip.

"sILeNcE," Talon barked, as he finished the knot on the rope. "YoU wIlL mAkE a GoOd SaCrIfiCe..."

"NOOOOOO!" Servo screamed, hovering as fast as he could toward Talon, bopping him on the cranium with his hover skirt. Talon was instantly knocked out. "Crow still owes me a dollar!"

"Yeegs, Servo, for one second I thought you cared," Crow grumbled. "Thank God it was just your overflowing greed,"

Talon's body slumped onto the dirt path, the chicken creatures all collapsed instantly. After a couple of seconds, they got up again, and began acting like normal chickens, flapping around and making "buck" sounds. Mike walked over and untied Crow.

"Hail Servo, the wicked Talon is dead!" one of the chickens shuffled over.

"Huh?" Mike looked at the chicken.

"Buck-buck," the chicken blinked innocently and walked away.

"So now what, Mike?" Crow raised his eyes to the big faced human. "Should we search the area for gold or other offerings? Set up camp? Miss a turn? Go to jail without passing go or collecting 200 dollars?"

"Firstly, Crow, shuttup," Mike pointed at Crow's nose. "Secondly, I say we carry on walking toward that big, castle, thing, deal..."

"Forces of good: one, chickens: zilch!" Servo proclaimed, as the other two companions set off away from the ranch.

Talon's body lay stretched out on the path in front of the ranch. As the three hecklers walked out of sight, a strange red glow eminated from his forehead. In the distance, four musical notes began to slowly play over and over again, like the heart beat of some strange beast.

**

Apart from the occasional bird or other small animal, the trio's journey to Hyrule Castle was rather uneventful until they stopped to sleep for the night by the path. Using the white robes, which the chicken creatures had been wearing, for blankets, they started camping. Servo attempted to make various puns on the word "camp" as they lay down to sleep, before Mike was eventually forced to stuff his mouth full of old gum from his jumpsuit pocket. Hours passed, and the soon the sun tipped itself off the horizon in a splatter of red color. A cold moon took it's place to the east, and made it's way westward.

Mike couldn't sleep. This was mostly due to Crow's beak wedged into his side, but also because he thought he could hear something. At times it sounded like a bird, and he thought it was probably just one of the chickens that had happened to follow them in curiosity, but then he heard it distinctly turn into cackling, and occasional footsteps.

"Crow..." Mike looked down at the 'bot, who was snoring loudly, his beak wide open. "Servo...?"

There was no answer. Mike hissed Tom's name again, no reply. Sitting up, Mike's eyes looked from left to right trying to see where the noise was coming from. He felt Tom Servo wake up next to him and begin to hover himself into an upright position.

"Something the matter, Mike?" asked Servo, twisting his head round to face Mike. "Did you wet the bed, honey?"

"Servo, quit it, this is serious, there's something out there," Mike pointed vaguely. "It sounds big!"

"Maybe it's Aaron Spelling's house," Tom Servo mused. "That's pretty big, and it's been known to sprout legs and eat anyone trespassing on-"

A loud crash interrupted Servo and the little red robot hushed up instantly. Whatever was out there was either trying to scare them, or it was just really, really clumsy.

"W-w-w-w-what're we gonna do?" stuttered Mike, grasping Servo's hover skirt in fear.

"I got an idea!" Servo reached down under the white blanket of cloaks and brought out a video camera.

"Servo, why do you have a camera?" asked Mike.

"Well, we need something to remember this holiday by, Mike! Do I have to think of everything?" Servo scoffed.

"Holiday?" Mike muttered. "Nevermind...so, does that thing have a light or something?"

"You betcha!" Tom said as he fiddled with a few switches. A couple of seconds later, a large arc of light lanced out from the front end of the camera and allowed Mike and Tom to see more clearly.

"There's nothing, Mike," Servo pointed out.

"There's the noise again!" Mike stood up, and waved his arm at Servo to be quiet. "It's all around us..."

"Mike, uh, you might wanna sit down-"

"Hello?!?" Mike called out. "Is anybody there?"

"Uh, Mike, if there is something there it'd be better to just sit do-"

"What is that?" Mike jumped up and down, frantically. The loud footsteps began to start again, getting nearer. Mike sat down by Servo. "Servo, point that camera at me..."

"Uh, Mike-"

"Do it!"

"Ooookay..." Servo began to record and pointed the camera in Mike's face, zooming right in on his left eye and fiddling with the filter lens, making his face turn different colors of the spectrum as he spoke.

"I am so....so....sorry...." Mike apologized, Servo stopped recording. "I'm not finished!"

"Mike," Servo sighed. "If people hear about this and find out you tried to do a parody of The Blair Witch Project, of which there are a great abundance already, they'll instantly lash out at me. Not you, me. You know why? Because I'm responsible for filming the whole cruddy affair! Now cut it out!"

"Okay...I'm sorry..." whispered Mike, looking at the floor.

"Ahem!" Tom snapped.

"Oh, I mean, I apologize..." Mike frowned. "You're really touchy about this, Tom,"

Just then, ending the absurdly bad parody sketch, a seven foot tall zombie straight out of a nightmare shuffled it's way into the torch light.

"Aaaaaah!" Servo screamed.

"Aaaaahhh!" Servo's scream woke up Crow, who echoed his reaction.

"Tell us where you are Josh!!!!" screamed Mike, who was promptly smacked over the head by Servo.

"Uhn....Packers!!!" the Zombie yelled, and lurched forward.

"Mike, it's the zombie from Zombie Nightmare, what're we gonna do??" Crow whimpered.

"How did you recognise it as the zombie from that movie, Crow?" Mike asked.

"The tee-shirt with the words 'I survived Zombie Nightmare and all I got was this crappy tee-shirt' kinda gives it away!" Crow said.

"Oh..." Mike frowned. "Well, Zombie's are easy to kill. I read somewhere that if you destroy the head, it dies forever!"

Mike picked up a rock off the floor nearby and threw it with all his might at the oncoming zombie. It hit him square in the forehead, and Mike took the oppurtunity to grab some blankets and throw them over the zombie's disgruntled face.

"Die, die you zombie!" Mike desperately tried to wrench off the zombie's head. "Damn child-proof locks...how do you open this thing...."

The zombie's arms flew upward and grabbed Mike by the head. Lifting him up, the zombie walked round in a circle trying to figure out why it couldn't see. The blankets somehow held fast on it's head.

"Woah, Mike," Crow watched. "You're really losing there..."

"Yeah, Mike, way to fail!" Tom Servo cheered.

"Would you guys help me out here?" pleaded Mike. "Any of you got any sharp objects I could use to cut it's head off?"

"Oh, you mean like a knife?" Crow asked.

"Exactly!" Mike smiled.

"No, sorry," Crow shrugged. "Why would I bring a knife?"

"Servo, what's that you're holding there?" asked Mike, quick to forget Crow's stupidity.

"Huh? Oh, you mean this?" Tom looked down at what he held in his small hand. "Just my lucky scimitar I carry round for good luck. You never noticed it?"

"No...could you do the honors, Servo?" Mike pointed to the zombie's neck.

"I would if could Mike, but my arms don't work," Tom said.

"Gahhh!" screamed Mike, gritting his teeth. "Would you just hover up here and let me have it, then?"

"Sure thing," Tom Servo flew up to where Mike was being held and allowed him to take the scimitar. Mike immediately went to work hacking away at the zombie's neck.

"Wow, this is tough work...why's it so blunt?" Mike frowned.

"Oh, that's because I secretly use it to shave my legs," Crow admitted.

"Crow!!" Servo gasped. "You told me you were just admiring it...with your legs..."

"There! I cut all the way through, it should be dead now," Mike cheered, handing the scimitar back to Servo. As he predicted, the zombie slowly came to a stop, dropped Mike painfully on the floor, and then fell down in a heap.

"Well, fun, can we go back to sleep now?" Crow asked.

"Not until we've settled this shaving matter!" Tom Servo flew toward Crow.

"D'oh!" Mike slapped his forehead, smirking.

"Never do that again, Mike," Crow and Servo said in unison.

"Sorry..."

**

The next day, the three of them got up reasonably early and set off in the direction they had been heading in the day before. They continued for about 5 minutes before Mike stepped off onto nothing and found himself falling a few feet and splashing head-first into a moat.

"Hey, Mike found the castle!" Crow chuckled.

"Man, I guess we were camped right outside the castle, what're the chances of that?" Servo wondered.

Mike eventually managed to clamber out of the surprisingly clear water, and walked with the two 'bots up to the castle's gates, where they were greeted by a guard.

"Get lost!" the guard greeted them. "We don't want your kind round here!"

"Wait, what kind are we then?" Mike asked.

"The wrong kind to be hanging round the castle, that's what kind!" the guard replied.

"Huh," Mike coughed. "You never got through high school, did you?"

"I'll handle this one, Mike," Crow interjected. "Hello there, we're rich merchants and we want to-"

"Where's your gold then?" the guard poked Crow with his spear.

"Uh..." Crow looked at Servo and Mike.

"Can't you tell?" Servo asked. "We had so much gold we made...uh...Crow here! He's pure gold,"

"I am not, I'm mol-"

"Really?" the guard stared at Crow, amazed.

"Uh," Crow noticed the way the guard stared at him. "Y-you betcha! One hundred percent solid gold, baby! Wanna touch me?"

"Crow, stop flirting with the nice man," Mike patted Crow on the head. "So, can we come in now?"

"Sure, sure," the guard allowed them to pass into the castle courtyard.

The courtyard was perhaps the most expensive looking place Mike had ever been in, it even beat the International House Of Pancakes. All around there were merchants, beggars, children, lepers, beggars, women, beggars, mud, beggars, beggars, and more beggars. There were stalls of all kinds, and a few dozen shops none of which interested Mike. The most magnificent thing was seeing the huge castle looming in the horizon, like a monument to beauty itself.

As they strode through the crowds, many people began to turn their eyes to look at the trio.

"Wow, you'd think they'd never seen somebody from Wisconsin before, Mike," Servo said.

"Yeah, it's so-" Mike suddenly stopped talking. "Tom, they've never seen a robot before!"

"Hey, good point..." Servo looked around. "Hi, I'm Tom Servo, pleasure to meet you,"

"I'm pure gold, baby!" Crow danced up and down, letting the crowds admire him.

"Gold?" an anonymous voice called out.

"He's gold?" another voice gasped.

"Get 'im!!!" about fifty other voices yelled.

"Watch out for snakes!" one deep voice warned.

"Eep..." Crow turned and began to run from the huge mob of people, all of them gaining on him, thirsty for gold. "Mike, Servo, help!"

"I'd like to help," Mike said, holding Servo's video camera and pointing it at Crow. "But I'd rather stand here and record."

"Mike!" Servo snapped.

"Sorry," Mike turned off the camera.

**

END OF PART 5