Mystery Hylian Theater 3000

Part 6

**

"So, what exactly happened to your little gold friend here?" the blacksmith asked as he worked on the dismantled robot, who had been torn to pieces by the gold-crazed mob.

"I'm not gold, fer cryin' out..." the severed bowling pin which acted as Crow's mouth muttered. After the money thirsty crowd had realized the falsehood of Crow's claims of worth, they had ceased wrenching him apart limb from limb and had gone back to milling randomly about in the courtyard, as they do, day in day out, waiting for some unknown pivotal event to change their lives. Mike and Servo had gathered Crow's parts up in a bundle and taken him to the local Smithy, where he was near to getting fixed.

"Ah, Crow was just showing off again," Servo scoffed. He hovered over to the other half of the Smithy and looked over a few shiny weapons. "Hey, I could use a good butter knife..."

"Huh?" the Blacksmith mumbled.

"How much for the kitchen utensils?" Servo chuckled, darting about from one weapon to the other.

"You folks aren't from round here, are you?" the blacksmith stared through his oddly crafted metal goggles that acted to magnify everything he saw. The effect, from Mike and the 'bots' point of view, was to make his pupils look immense. This caused Mike to smirk everytime he looked up.

"No, we're... uh... from..." Mike began, stifling his laughter.

"Yeah... we're... from..." Crow agreed.

"Ooh, this would look great in my umbrella stand!" Servo giggled, admiring a broad-sword tinted with emerald essence.

"That does it," the blacksmith slammed an oily, gloved hand down on the counter. "Out you pixies go, through the door, or out the window!"

"Wait, wait," Mike apologized. He looked over his shoulder and noticed the small crowd of villagers already hanging around outside the doorway, staring in through the windows which were left open to let the stench of oiled metal and smoke out. "We don't want any trouble... Servo, quit looking at the nice man's sword,"

"Aww, but my scimitar is all blunt after Crow shaved his legs with it!" Servo whined.

"Thanks for reminding me," Mike groaned, turning back to the blacksmith, who had finished re-attaching Crow's beak. "Well, how much will that be?"

"A hundred rupees," replied the blacksmith, holding out a grubby hand.

"Do you take American Express?" Mike asked, reaching into his wallet.

"I take rupees. Just like anybody else in this area. Now do you have the money or do I have to call the guards to haul your sorry selves away from here?" the blacksmith growled.

"Heh... heh... Mike, hand the man his money," Crow whimpered, sliding down off the counter.

"Here, uh, here's fifty bucks... keep the change," Mike smiled, offering the alien currency to the bamboozled blacksmith.

The blacksmith took one look at the green paper Mike was holding and motioned for one of the villagers to come in. This villager was dressed in dark brown, a hood over his ancient visage. An amulet hung from his wrinkled neck and, even in a dark room such as this, glinted with a light so bright it could only come from the life-giving sun itself. The newcomer looked over Mike and the 'bots and evaluated them in his mind, making clicking noises with his tongue as he did so.

"Uh, can we help you, Uncle Albert?" Crow asked.

"A great evil has descended upon this land," the stranger replied.

"You guys just got the new Adam Sandler movie, huh?" Servo sighed. "I'm so sorry..."

"A darkness consumes the very light we once fought to protect," he continued.

"Oh yeah, you're gonna get that," Crow nodded.

"You creatures speak in such odd tongues," he concluded. "Somehow I do not think your appearance in this land is a coincidence. Where did you say you came from?"

"We come from America," Mike explained.

"TODAY!" Servo sang.

"I heard of this land!" a villager stepped forward, nervously. He clearly feared Mike and the 'bots, keeping a safe distance away. "On my many travels, I am priveleged to hear the night whisper to it's dark friends in the twisted tunnels leading downwards into unvisited catacombs. It speaks of this place, where the darkness feeds off the light, and no living thing may walk. Hidden, impossible things that crawl and gnaw at the bones of those who dare come near, they lie in wait in invisible corners that surround you, and when there is no life to devour, they eat the dead..."

"Wow, Mike, he paints a pretty good picture of the good ol' U.S.A.," Tom Servo said.

"Silence!" the hooded stranger commanded. "You three disguised demons, you are each the cause of our problems! The only choice of action we can take is to destroy you before the curse gets any more fatal,"

"What's he talking about, Mike?" Crow asked, pulling at Mike's jumpsuit. "Is he gonna take us to the princess?"

A great murmur arose within the crowd of villagers, now slowly becoming larger. Clearly the mention of the princess had aroused much suspicion among their numbers. All at once, a chant began to rise out of the chaos. With every new villager who came along, the chant grew louder, and louder, until the entire courtyard were bustling with voices. And as the chant rose, so did Mike and the 'bots, for the native folk plucked them from where they stood and raised them atop their shoulders, carrying them out the door and down a path which led past the courtyard and behind the villa.

"To the king! To the king! To the king!" they chanted.

"Oh, and go Packers, but mostly to the king..."

**

They were flanked on either side by green dusty brown hillocks that were steep enough so that none could see past them. The only visable backdrop was the beauty of the peaceful palace up ahead, which rose into the sky like the hand of the Lady of the Lake who supposedly handed Excalibur to Arthur in past decades. The sheer size it held in it's graceful fingers made Mike and the 'bots feel even more insignificant, which is pretty hard considering you've only just this week discovered that there are possibly limitless universes surrounding the one you exist in and they're constantly expanding. Still, the castle made even Servo feel small. They were only able to prise their gaze from the towering turrets when the villagers who carried them came to a sudden halt and ceased their garbled chanting. It seemed they were confronted by a gate that was impossible to get past without permission from the guard who stood watch there.

"What purpose do you have with visiting his highness, the king?" the guard asked, a beefy guy in a chainmail suit with a gleaming spear by his side.

"We have found these monsters roaming the fields," the hooded gentleman stood forward and addressed the guard. "We believe they aim to destroy the princess. We wish to show him proof that this is so, and that he must move the princess to a safer location where she will be safe,"

"What a crock of-"

"Crow, hush," Mike clamped his hand down firmly on Crow's beak.

"Very well," the guard admitted. "Though, we can't have all the villagers come along too. We'll just let you and your captives through, and a group of my best soldiers to keep things organized,"

With that, Mike and his robot chums disembarked their human vessel and accompanied their escort down the long, winding path that led ultimately to the oaken drawbridge that crossed a moat of short width. From there, they were led down a glistening corridor that passed a cool breeze of good will through Mike's senses. The 'bots, however, weren't affected and assumed Mike was just getting turned on by the prospect of meeting a princess. Continuing on, past pillars of silver quality and stained glass windows depicting many a royal character. Mike began to wonder if they had to make the corridor a little bit longer everytime a new king was placed on the throne, because his feet were sure getting sore with all this walking.

At long last, they emerged into the throne room. Mike felt rather disappointed, for the throne room was much smaller and less grand than he had expected. He remembered the pathetic Digi-Rome that existed in the world of Gladiator, and compared it to Hyrule Castle's throne room. It was almost like it was intended to be looked on from the outside, and speculated about. This room was not the glittering spectacle he had wondered about, it was a hollow, wooden room, nothing more. Longer than it was wide, with windows all around, the ceiling was extremely high above the floor, and a large number of candles were mounted up there, illuminating every nook and cranny that the sunlight didn't touch. Mike couldn't figure out why, though, since there were no decorations other than a few support beams and randomly placed vases, and nobody would want to look at such a bland ceiling.

The king himself sat on the throne, which again was a disappointment. Mike had assumed they'd have gone all out for the throne, seeing as how they'd barely touched the room itself. In actual fact, it almost looked like they'd stripped the throne of every slight attempt at beauty or snatch of eye candy that might once have adorned it. The same went for the king's wardrobe, all drab and musky. A dull red cloak draped casually over his shoulders, a crown without jewels. Hell, the guy didn't even look like a king.

"What a dump!" Servo exclaimed. "Who said that?"

"Hush, honey," Mike tapped Servo on the shoulder. "We don't wanna upset his lowness,"

"Your majesty," the hooded man bowed his head to the ground. The guards that had brought them here followed suit, and then proceeded to stand with the other guards that surrounded the king. "I have located these masked ghouls who wish to destroy your daughter, they were attempting to blend with the populous and make their way here. I beg of you to hear our plea, you must relocate your daughter to somewhere less conspicuous!"

"Do these creatures have anything to say in their defense?" the king asked, after short deliberation.

"What, you want the truth?!?" Tom Servo cried. "You can't handle the truth!!!"

"She's my sister! She's my daughter! She's my sister!" Crow squealed.

"Hush, guys, you're not helping our case," Mike grinned, grabbing a hold of his hyper-active handymen.

"You see? They behave as fools, in the king's throne room no less!" the cloaked gentleman frantically declared. "We must destroy them before it further's the madness that rots our land even as we speak!"

"Guards," the king of Hyrule barked, causing the guards to turn at ninety degree angles to face him. "Do away with the beasts within this very room,"

"Uh, Mike," Crow gulped. "Did you screw up again?"

"Yeah, good one, Mike," Tom Servo sighed.

The guards advanced forward, their swords drawn and their shields, with the Hylian insignia painted in gold, raised to guard their exposed limbs. Not that Mike and the 'bots could rightly defend themselves, for these guards were hardly chickens. At this point, Crow was using Mike as cover, shivering and whelping behind him. Servo couldn't contain himself and was back to screaming like the little girl he no doubt was, deep down inside.

Then, as a great surprise and somewhat anti-climax for Mike and the 'bots, the two guards closest to them began to turn, and instead they struck down the hooded fellow whom had caused this whole fix. But rather than fall down and collapse in a heap as Mike would have assumed, the old man simply drew his hood back rather calmly. The hideous complexion that greeted Mike's curious eyes with a sabre-toothed grin were not quite as welcoming as the prospect of not dying.

With a tear of old cloth, which seemed to rip at the very fabric of space, the ghoul revealed itself. For it was not the trio of Mike and the 'bots the king had ordered dead, it was this abomination that now snorted smoke from it's nostrils and burned hot coals for sight. Seperating itself from it's mortal skin, the ghoul swiftly skulked through the air, darting from one pillar to the other. Swallowing several gasps of smoke, it spat a fireball at a group of guards, who billowed into the air like discarded toys.

"Mike, why does everyone we come across in this place so filled with hate and intent on our destruction?" Crow asked, holding on tight as Mike ran for cover behind a pillar.

"Maybe it's cause Mike hasn't washed since we got here!" Servo yelled above the noise of guards bellowing orders above the maelstrom.

"The princess shall be ours!" the ghoul creature hissed through grinding teeth. "It is destined by the darkness!"

Mike, Servo and Crow were stuck there for another five minutes, listening to soldier after soldier be sent to their deaths, when suddenly a deathly silence came over the room. All they could hear was the sound of Mike breathing heavily, as he was oft to do. It didn't seem right, Mike thought. The ghoul couldn't have been killed, and there was no way the entire supply of guards could have been used up within only five minutes.

"What do you suppose happened, Mike?" Servo whispered.

"Maybe everybody died," Crow suggested.

"Go take a look, Mike," Servo urged.

"No! I'm not gonna go take a look!" Mike hissed. "Why me, anyway? You guys are robots, you have less chance of being hurt!"

"Yeah, but, that doesn't stop us from being scared of nasty monsters," Crow said.

"Oh, alright," Mike conceded. He edged slowly away from the robots, counter-clockwise around the pillar. He realized just how cold the room felt right now. Cold and dead. The pillar almost felt like pure bone in his hands, and he found himself constantly wiping the feeling from his hands on his jumpsuit. Then, when he was near enough to the edge of the pillar, he peeked around the corner.

In the centre of the room, the ghoul lay on it's back, surrounded by about fifteen guards. Not a wound covered the creature's whispy body, yet it was clearly in pain. It struggled to breathe through it's leathery throat of charred flesh, and it's claws clenched with such a fury that they seemed to shrink back into the broomstick arms that supported them.

"What happened?" Mike whispered, walking over to where the guards stood. The guards, however, were not in the mood to answer, and they turned to Mike with swords raised. "Whoa, whoa, it's okay! I'm a good guy!"

"Rest your swords, my good men," a voice came from behind the guards. The guards dispersed and allowed Mike to be one of the very few people priveleged to stand before the true king of Hyrule. Dressed all in jeweled brilliance and shining robes of such sheer decadence that which Mike had never before seen, the charming old man stood awaiting Mike's obvious response.

"Whah happah?" Mike asked.

"Everything shall be explained in good time, my friend," the king replied. "Your coming has been told of by the wind ever since you arrived. You, from a far away land, with two companions, all of marvelous difference, are here to save us from The Change,"

"The what?" Servo asked, now at Mike's side.

"I'm sure you have heard that our two world's are blending dangerously?" the king raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, ha, that thing, yeah," Servo acknowledged. "I thought maybe that would just go away,"

"If only we were so fortunate," the king sighed. "The change is affecting everything, even here, before your eyes,"

The king pointed a boney finger to the twisting, tumbling corpse of the ghoul. Sprouts of fur emerged from it's head, and rags spread out from some unknown tapestry across it's head. It's nose became more pointed, and hind legs began to grow on it's back. An impossible effect of darkened glory spread about it's shadow, and the teeth and shape of the creature took on an especially canid look.

"My God..." Mike gasped.

"It's... it's..." Crow whimpered.

"Aaaaahhh!!!" Servo cried, once more.

The Killer Shrew rose on it's newly acquired hind legs and stared deep into the souls of it's spectators. A cursed glow eminated from it's eye sockets, unfathomed rings of desparation led down into it's empty skull that wailed openly for a thinking, feeling mind to give it license for life. Layer upon layer of white, forgotten bone snapped into position on recognition of human flesh to feed from. A stolen gasp of delight, and it leapt towards Mike's throat.

"Bad dog!" Mike yelled, slapping the tiny dog-creature to one side. "Bad! No! Bad! Down!"

Unable to back up it's yearns for nourishment derived from the living, beating bells coming straight from the tower of flesh standing before him, the Shrew had only one choice of action left.

"That's right, run, ya yellow freak!" Crow snickered, watching the Shrew yipping and whelping as it ran frantically out of the room.

"So... why was there a different guy pretending to be king just now?" Servo asked.

"Oh, that's simple," the king replied. "I need a double for protection. Plus, this isn't even the real throne room. The fact that your captor confused both the room and my double for the real thing, it proved his deception,"

"Ah," Mike understood. Then, a nagging curiosity arose in his mouth. "So, uh, when do we get to see the real throne room? Huh?"

"Uh," the king looked the robots over. Servo was busy fiddling with a precious vase of ancient origin, and Crow was nibbling at his robe. "It's closed for repairs right now. Maybe once you've saved the world, and all, you'll get to see it,"

"Wull, okay," Mike shrugged, a frown creasing his brow. "That seems fair, I guess,"

"Now," the king continued. "I believe you wished to see the princess,"

"The princess?" Mike asked, a flicker of light dancing in his eyes.

"Vuh pruhnshush?" Crow spluttered, the king's robe still stuck in his beak.

"Hey, a chick!" Tom Servo span around, knocking the vase from it's stand, which shattered upon impact with the floor.

"Yes... uh, she's in the garden, it's just through those two double doors and on the right," the king pointed out.

"Woo-hoo!" Crow and Servo cheered in unison, and rushed through the double doors. Mike, much quieter with his joy, simply kicked up a little dust as he hurried to where the promise of actual female contact had been made.

"Are you ready, Mike? An actual girl having to talk to you? This is a first, huh?" Servo laughed.

"Shuttup," Mike grumbled, and since he had the only arms long enough to reach the door handle, allowed the cool, flower-scented breeze to wash over him, and looked to the end of the garden where the princess stood, waiting.

"I am glad to be finally meeting you," the child said.

"Okay, what the Hell is this?! Some kinda joke?!?" Servo screamed. "Where's the hot chick?!? We're supposed to be the heroes, not pedophiles!! This just isn't RIGHT!!!"

"Duh, hi, I'm Mike, and... you're a girl and stuff," Mike fumbled with his words.

"That's just wrong, Mike..." Crow stared.

**

END OF PART 6