This Text file is old! In a 🏛️Museum, an unsorted archive of (user-)pages. (Saved from Geocities in Oct-2009. The archival story: oocities.org)
--------------------------------------- (To 🚫report any bad content: archivehelp @ gmail.com)

Title: Let Her Go
Author: GenieVB
Summary: Mulder's walk to the field,
before he see's the "children".
A small "Closure" piece.
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em..yadda-
yadda-yadda...


Little Flower

*
I only heard a few words of their exchange.
There was no reason for me to go to the door
and before I knew it, my feet were moving, my
legs carrying me down to the wide lawns beyond
the house and its artificial light.

It was so peaceful.

Something here spoke to me.

I know I'd been scaring Scully with my behavior
today. My mind has been in a million places; in
the past, in the present, in my future now
clearer - one without my sister.

My heart is content and shriveling at the
same time.

I knew this place would bring me closure, I knew
this was the last stop and had told Scully so.

I know my sister is dead. Even if only inside me
from now on.

I'm tired but my legs keep taking me over there
into this darkness. The night is so beautiful,
I can't remember another like it.

Tonight is a turning point. Tonight is "someday".
It's "hope", "want", "perhaps" and "if only".

Tonight I say goodbye.

"Let go." This is what friends have been hinting
to me for years. Good hearted people who themselves
have lost loved ones. They know what it's like.

But losing someone in death and losing someone
without a trace isn't the same kind of pain.

My father was murdered. He's dead. My mother killed
herself, and...as painful as that was and is, it's
not the same as the suspense of not knowing one way
or another.

Sam has been gone for twenty-seven years. According
to her diary, she escaped form them at age fourteen.

There are still thirteen years unaccounted for
and this lady, this nurse, who might know is rendering
the final verdict in my life long search for my sister.

I can't tell you how painful it is to know that even
a stranger (who briefly cared for Samantha but didn't
love her) knows more than I ever did.

I can't describe the grief, compounded, not eased,
by well meaning words like "Let her go".

We were cut apart, our lives severed and scattered
one from another as if by an ax.

Scully once told me to stop running after my sister,
so here we are, the end of the road. I'm going to
do as she says.

Something here is whispering to me, it tells me
tonight I must stop. the journey ends here, on this
property and again it's by the hand of a stranger
or something unknown. Events occurred beyond my control,
are bringing this road to an end.

I suppose my mother's suicide had been the last turn
in the road and this little grassy slope is my our mile.

Because I'd always in my heart, taken this journey with
Samantha. At least, in a way, I had her all the time
inside me; her face I'd pictured would be there, at
the end, her arms wrapping around me, her face smiling
again, so happy to see me...

This empty field is not the conclusion I'd hoped for,
but I know this is it.

One way or another, I have to end it or I'll never know
peace.

Maybe there will be some comfort in imagining that Samantha
herself would want this. That she'd be happy knowing I was
all right. This is the little lie I tell myself now
because my chest is aching with the need to cry over her.

But I can't do that anymore. So I say: "this time, this
decision I'm making - at least it's _my_ decision. Mine.
My decision to send my sister away forever".

No, it's not an easy one.

The thing is, people think I've been feeling guilty all these
years because I didn't save my sister or because I haven't
been able to find her.

The guilt is that I _want_ this journey to end! The guilt
is, she isn't found or she's dead and now I'm so tired
that part of it doesn't matter anymore.

The guilt is, I don't want to look anymore.

The guilt is I want her back but not if it costs me
one more sleepless night.

The guilt is that Samantha could still be alive out there
and I'm not going to look anymore. I'm tired. I wish
she were here and I could hold her close and make her
world and mine perfect again, but that's never going
to happen and now I have to listen to all those people
saying "Let her go". I have to do this.

Maybe Samantha knows that too. Maybe she understands.

I hope she had some happy days, some joy in her life.

I wish she had remembered more of me because I can
almost not take it - not stand to know she never
thought of me at all.

I'm just a vague image of a boy in her dreams who
teased her. She doesn't even remember our games
or the way I used to let her sneak into my bed when
it thundered.

That is a pain I can't describe. It's a living death.

"Let her go."

The day after she was taken I was in a sick limbo.
I don't recall crying. I just remember emptiness
and fear on the faces of my parents.

I've held that night in my soul like a soldier holds
his shield and sword. My sisters empty room
has been the battlefield in my mind, the pictures I
have of her the only flower.

"Pluck the flower" my friends said.

Tonight, here in this field, I will.

And while I steel myself to figuratively bend and
tear it from the soil, still I find my heart
begging for her, to see her, touch her.

...I wish she were here.


END

genyah@hotmail.com

GenieVB
Official Creator of MULDER CENTRICITY, the webpage of The lovely, lovely Fox 
Mulder:

http://www.geocities.com/area51/comet/4051/index.html

Ordained Lascivious Mulder's Chest Licker of the Church of X/Church of 
X-OneList Junkie/Ardent MulderTorture Advocate/ PROUD XES List 
Mamma!/TER/MA-natoress/Brooklyn Bunny/EPHEM-Inate/PhoenixFic 
Chick/MulderBuzzBimbo - Keeper of the SexHog!!
and
"Van-Ge Wal-ca, the Superintendant God-Botherer"!!

* ""Did the chicken cross the road"?! You SAW it cross the road with your 
own eyes, Scully! How many more chickens have to cross before you'll believe 
it?"

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're
not out to get you"--Fox Mulder