I can’t grasp anything. I can’t hold onto any particular thought for more than a millisecond, though every reflection somehow returns to me. Be it through a dream, through a voice, or by way of my conscience; it returns. This is the inevitable pattern of my days: every last second comes back to haunt me. Sometimes I don’t even know it, and it will only register through my unconscious being. But it’s still there, I can sense it now. That’s the weird thing about death. Once it happens to you, your life suddenly makes sense.
I wonder now, what If that day hadn’t happened. What if my life had continued in the way that it had been heading, and if nothing had changed; where would I be now? But wondering does me no good, as there is no one here to answer my questions. There is not one soul to nourish my lonely spirit. My father used to say “A soul without guidance, and a spirit without curiosity to be guided, is one without life.” Only now am I beginning to understand the full meaning of that wisdom.
I miss his sayings. And I can honestly say that I miss him, even though for the last year of my life my entire body burned with the hatred I held toward him. I can’t realize now what it was that made me shun him for so long. I spoke with him, and saw him. I of course pretended that I still believed I knew him, but this was only because I hated him so much that I feared if I told him or anyone, my mother would weep. I couldn’t afford to make her cry, which is ironic because of how many tears she has now shed at my expense.
My spirit is filled with curiosity now. However I have no guidance for my interest. So, Dad, does this mean that I am half with life, and half without? I wish you could tell me. I wish for this more than anything.
It is impossible to imagine the realization that a person is hit with upon death. It is almost as impossible to describe. It is a question often pondered upon by the living “What’s it like to die?” people wonder. I don’t understand what makes this question have such a sought after answer. It’s almost like people are so fascinated by death, by the end of living, that they wish they could taste it without actually experiencing it.
A taste of death to the living, is equal to a taste of life to the dead. We sometimes wish that we could for one moment come back to life, and tie up all the loose ends that have been left hanging. This, of course, is impossible. So, why should the living be so curious about death, if it is just as impossible.
I know that I ended up this way for a reason. The reason, to me, is somehow hidden behind curtains of denial that I have draped over various portions of my life. I know now that I have eternity to sit and tear away at those endless curtains, until I can somehow gain the answer to the one thing that I still don’t know: why I died.
Some people live their entire lives wondering why they’re alive. This is almost the equivalent. Well, actually it is the opposite.
Now, I envy the living. I am so jealous of the people who still cling to their heartbeats and breath. Why am I so envious? Because the have the option of suicide. I know that that sounds like a terrible and horrendous thing to say, but it is not. The living have a way to end that existence and join ours, but there is no opposite of suicide. There is no way for me to end my existence in death and once again join the living. Unless the answer to that is also hidden beneath the curtains that cover my life, then there is not one. I have searched long and hard. So if it isn’t there, it is nowhere.
I wonder if there is any person on Earth who knows the things I know now. I wonder if there is any soul wise enough, if there is any mind brilliant enough to see the details etched in the end of life. If there is, I should have liked to have met him while I was alive.
It’s an interesting concept, life and death. There are so many questions only one side holds the answers to, and that is mine. There is one question I don’t hold the key to, and I know in time I will uncover it. It will take a full search of my spirit, but when I find it I will finally feel death in its entirety, and no more lay half way in between the living and the dead.
