| "BUBBA" |
| In November 2000 my mother in law told me that I was pregnant. I knew for a fact that I was not. She told me that I was having a little boy, but that when I had my ultrasound the dr would tell me it was a girl, and they would be wrong. She knew my desire to have another child, and has this way of knowing when I am pregnant and the sex of my child. A direct link with the Lord if you ask me. A few weeks after she told me I was pregnant, December 15th, I bought a pregnancy test. I took the test and it showed 2 faint lines. I was shocked! She was right. We went to my in-laws for dinner and told them the news. Of course my mother in law already knew. We then went to get another test, just in case....and once again 2 lines! I was so excited. The pregnancy went off without any problems. I felt great. On March 24th, 2001 I had an ultrasound to find out the sex of our next child....a boy. What could be greater...one of each! He was due August 23, 2001. I immediately wanted to pick out a name for our son, but my hubby was in no hurry. My mother in law (Granny) had been calling him "Bubba" from the beginning, so that stuck all the way to the end. But he needed a name of his own. We contemplated a few things, but decided on Nicholas....because of the way Emma would say it. Nich-o-las. It was too cute. But now he needed a middle name. Auntie really thought we should use Walker, and I agreed, but my hubby wasn't so sure. He was the only one that didn't like it. The time flew! On July 11th, my mom and aunt came over to help me switch the crib to Nicholas' room and get it all set up for him. We put the crib together and put the crib set inside...it was perfect. Emma was so helpful and put some of her toys in there for him. At one point she climbed in and said, " I will wait here for Bubba". I lifted her out and told her " Honey Bubba won't be here for a while". (I was 34 weeks) The next day my mom came back so that we could go get Emma's twin bed and set it up for her. After we finished I had a doctor's appt. so mom took Emma home with her. I mentioned to her just before she left that Nicholas hadn't been moving very much that day. As I drove to my doctor appointment I remember thinking that Matt should be there with me, he hadn't been to an appointment in a while. I checked in for my appointment and had a meeting with the billing department. I was called into the room and the nurse took my blood pressure. This was the first time that my blood pressure was up. I was told to lay on my left side and they would check it again in a few minutes. It was then that I told her that I hadn't felt Nicholas move too much that day. My dr came in and checked my blood pressure and then checked for Nicholas' heartbeat............................... .............................................................................................................................. .............................................................................................................................. NOTHING! My son was dead. I was shocked.....not again! We had lost our first baby to miscarriage in 1998. How was I going to tell my hubby. On the phone? I couldn't believe it! The nurse took me to an office so that I could call my husband. I just cried! Matt answered the phone at work, "I need you here with me" is all I could say. He asked what was wrong and I told him "He's gone!" He was confused. I repeated myself and said "Nicholas is dead". Silence. Matt came as fast as he could. I called my mother and told her, but asked that she didn't say anything to Emma, we wanted to tell her ourselves. I was admitted to Sacred Heart Hospital to deliver my stillborn son on July 12th, 2001. I was given an epidural for the pain. The labor really wasn't so bad, just knowing the outcome was the hard part. Family members were there for moral support. The room was dim, and quiet. The night turned to morning..... At 3:58am, my son came into this world asleep. His daddy by my side. He was beautiful. All I could do was cry. He was tangled in his umbilical cord. His lifeline had been pinched under his arm. I wanted to see his small body move, his eyes open and look into mine, his mouth open and cry, but there was nothing. We sat alone in our dim room and spent some time with the son we would never really know. Our family joined us a little while later, and were able to hold Nicholas. He was loved! The nurse weighed him...6 pounds 2 ounces. Just a tiny bit smaller than his big sister. She took his foot prints, and a few pictures. She asked if we would like pictures of us with Nicholas, I said no. I wish I had. Matt helped dress him in a tiny white gown, and they took more pictures. Most of our family left and we had a few more hours with our son. We tried so hard to imprint every tiny feature into our minds and on our heart. But most importantly we chose his middle name that morning......Matthew, his daddy's name. During our short time with our Nicholas we thought about funeral arrangements: when should we have a service, where should he be buried, what type of service should we have. These things should not be decided in the labor and delivery wing of a hospital....babies aren't supposed to die. Nicholas Matthew left us at 9:00am that morning. A very big part of me left that room with him. I was the only one that really knew that tiny little boy. I never thought it would end this way. Later that evening, Matt and I left the hospital empty handed. Nicholas was buried on Wednesday, July 18th at 11:30am. He was laid to rest at Rest Haven Memorial Park in Eugene, OR. Our pastor from our church did a wonderful service for Nicholas. Many people came. We have so many more friends than we ever knew! Auntie Tab wrote a beautiful poem for Nicholas that was on the inside cover of the memorial folders for the service . Uncle JR said many kind words about Nicholas. Auntie Tab also read a book that made everyone cry, entitled "Mommy, Please don't cry" by Linda DeYmaz. We know now that God has brought us through this, and has given us a story to share with everyone. He is an awesome God! Our strength to go on is only found in Him! We also know that some day He will bless us with more children! |
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