NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
Date: November 20th, 2000
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the
USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new
Prime Minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly
you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable
and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will
let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way
through.
6. You should stop playing American "football".
There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
"football" is not a very good game.The 2.15% of you who are
aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played against the girls.
It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of
you who were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "pooh".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will
be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.