Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline...
~~Transcript of the new PBX answering service recently
installed at the Mental Health Institute...~~
Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have Attention Deficit Disorder, try to pay attention to these
messages, I'm not going to repeat them.
If you are Obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to
the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press. No-one will answer. Ever.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key and
the coils in the phone cord until an operator comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, driver's license number and your mother's and
grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and
carefully press 000.
If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep.
Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Alzheimers, forget you ever made this call.
If you have severe work-related stress, smash the receiver into the
cradle a few times: it will help you cope while you're waiting for
someone to reply.
If you are a psychopathic megalomaniac, please call the
Police on 000. They're expecting your call about the stolen atom bomb.
If you suffer from Kleptomania, put the phone back, it's
not yours.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far
too busy to talk to a loser like you."