'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter.
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"