DIARY OF A PARANOID CAT
Monday
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Tuesday
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded;
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt
to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to throw up on their favorite
chair....must try this on their bed.
Wednesday
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with
sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly
hours of the night.
Thursday
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am
capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was....Hmm. Not working according to
plan.....
Friday
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no
good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This
time however it included a burning, foamy chemical
called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.
Saturday
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More
importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due
to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is
and how to use it to my advantage.
Sunday
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and
seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a
half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue
(something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of
time.