Quick Wits
Quick Wit:
You might be a redneck if you've been
too drunk to fish.
-- Jeff Foxworthy
Quick Wit:
I ask people why the have deer heads
on their walls. They say
"Because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go! I think
my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
Quick Wit:
If you want to be a holy man, you
have to be committed. When
you make a decision you cannot waver in any way. You'd never
see Ghandi during a hunger strike sneaking down into the
kitchen in the middle of the night. "Ghandi... What are you
doing down there?" "I, um, I thought I heard a prowler... and
was going to hit him over the head with this giant bowl of
potato salad."
-- Jim Carrey
Quick Wit:
I got in a fight one time with a really
big guy and he said
"I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll
be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said, "Well,
you
won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- Emo Phillips
Quick Wit:
One time I tried getting a job at
a submarine sandwich shop.
Only they wanted me to take a lie detector test just in order
to apply for the job. What the hell did they think I am going
to lie about in a sub shop? Did they fear someone would ask
for roast beef and I'd say no? "How much is the tuna?"
"Thousands."
-- Paula Poundstone
Quick Wit:
"You can say any foolish thing
to a dog, and the
dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!' "
---Dave Barry
Quick Wit:
Evangelists say Halloween
is the devil's holiday. What a
lame-ass devil! Sitting down in the depths of hell, going,
"I've got control of the major corporations, churning out
weapons and toxic waste, but how can I get candy? Let me
think--I'll get the children of the world to dress up as
hobos and Power Rangers--and then I'll have all the bite-size
Three Musketeers I need! I am Satan!"
-- Patton Oswalt
Quick Wit:
Marriage is not a man's
idea.
A woman must have thought of it.
Years ago some guy said, "Let me get this straight,
honey. I can't sleep with anyone else for the rest of
my life, and if things don't work out, you get to keep
half my stuff? What a great idea."
--Anonymous
Quick Wit:
They do a lot of animal testing in
the cosmetic industry,
maybe they should brag about it in their commercials.
"Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it can
make your hair look luscious." Or "Gillette, because 4,000
bald squirrels can't be wrong."
-- Vernon Chapman
Quick Wit:
I wanted someone to share my sandwich
with. And it had to be
marriage and not just living together because I didn't want
him to eat and run.
--Betty Rollin
Quick Wit:
"Outside of a dog, a book is
a man's best friend. And inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx
Quick Wit:
What did God say when he created man?
I can do better than that.
- Anonymous, on the subject of women
Quick Wit:
"All is well...observe how noses
were made to bear spectacles, and so we have spectacles!"
- Voltaire
Quick Wit:
"I always said I wanted to be
somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
- Lily Tomlin
Quick Wit:
Two guys were walking on the street
when one of them says:
"I've realized that my wife is an angel."
"Mine isn't human, either", said the second.
- Heard on a street
Quick Wit:
"A verbal contract isn't worth
the paper it's written on."
- Samuel Goldwyn
Quick Wit:
"I'll be sober tomorrow, but
you'll be crazy for
the rest of your life."
- W.C. Fields (in reply to an accusation of drunkenness)
Quick Wit:
"Would you tell our viewers,
sir, how you got to be president
of this company?"
"Gladly. I ran into my father at the watercooler one
morning. He took a liking to me and put me in charge of the
place."
- Anonymous
Quick Wit:
"Just because nobody complains
doesn't mean all parachutes are
perfect." - Benny Hill
Quick Wit:
Because a man is unfaithful to you
is no reason to leave him. You
should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living
hell. - Roseanne Barr
Quick Wit:
I knew I was an unwanted baby when
I saw that my bath toys
were a toaster and a radio.
--Joan Rivers