Smithsonian Curiosity...
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball
in Newport,RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and
sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with
scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This
guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway...here's the actual
response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you
think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation
in writing.
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D,layer
seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this
specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that
we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence
of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears
that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that
one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis
of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar
with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with
your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes
of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized
bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters,
well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the
common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams
you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you
have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems
to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let
us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed
on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request
to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load
our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's
notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956AD,
and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we
must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific
name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought
tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately
voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't
really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous
donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly
not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of
the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own
office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen
upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back
yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed
in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for
it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural
matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities