HOW'S EVERYONE LIKE MY SOCIAL STUDIES?
This was an assignment done by an Athenian student when we were asked how to survive a scenario in which another country was invading California and killing the teenagers, and our "mission" was to make it to San Francisco. Heehee...
A Lerner's Guide To Surviving In A Less-Patriotic Environment-
Chapter 1
2 easy, sweat-free steps to escape the enemy troops and escape
those pesky
pounds you may acquire on the lam:
I. Assess your resources. Are there any available weapons?
Do you have a bus
pass? Any change to make a phone call? A compass? Do you speak the language
of the invading army? If not, swipe an Enemy-Language-To-English dictionary
from your nearest bookstore. Don't concern yourself with the petty moral
dilemma of stealing. You may have done it already, and it's not like your
current currency is going to hold up much longer anyway.
II. Make for covered ground. Either get into a forest (preferably one with
tall trees to hide in) and make for San Fransisco or get into a mall and hide
out there until the current resident troops have moved on. Use the mall to
steal any replacement clothing or food you may need. Although you may not
enjoy living off Cinnabuns and smoothies, your choices are limited. Make note
of what items are on sale in Nordstrom's, Macy's, and JC Penny. These are
hard times- you must get the sale items first.
A Lerner's Guide To Surviving In A Less-Patriotic Environment-
Chapter 2
The Athenian Experience:
So you start out in Ted(our teacher)'s classroom. Although this may not seem
an
ideal hiding space to wait out the invasion, you have limitless possibilities
outside your door (inside your door is a scary, scary place. If faced with
no
other options, return here and hold off the enemy with threats of giving them
bad grades -Try holding up Ted's gradebook for emphasis-).
The first thing you will want to do is find that janitorial pickup truck
that's always idling outside Ted's classroom. It's not hard to spot- Rusty,
red, about 25,000,000 miles on it? Yeah, that's it. Hop in and start the key.
If the key isn't in the ignition, grope under the dashboard. There's always
a
spare duct-taped underneath.
Drive. A concept a lot easier then it sounds.
Take an Alamo route (Remember the Alamo!) to Walnut Creek. When you get
there, be sure to stop by a convenience store and filch a few instant Ramens
when the owners' back is turned. Drive to Target, near Barnes and Noble,
across from the BART station (STUDENT IN THE BACK: "Why don't we take
BART?"
SARAH: ~Throws Ted's gradebook~ "Who's running this dog-and-pony show?
Huh?
Infidel!" STUDENT: "Owww!!"). Around this time, your truck
will break down.
Trust me. So, hop into Target and nick a motorcycle. Yes, there are
motorcycles in Target. Aisle 6, next to the dishwasher soap. If your
wondering how to distract the "Target Team Members", just hop into
an
unoccupied checkout station and say in a nasal whine "Attention Target
Team
Members, attention Target Team Members, unauthorized towel-squeezing in
progress on Aisle 12. All Team Members to Aisle 12." As you see the looting
begin, start up your new motorcycle and get moving. Try to pick one with
thick tires, because an off-road trip to the Bay can really wreck a bike's
tires.
I hope you're rested after your trip. You'll be ditching your bike and
edging unobtrusively up to the Bridge. You know which one I'm talking about.
Yeah, the big orange one. As you approach, you'll see a bright green VW Bug
hanging off the edge on a winch. Pull it up with your Arms-O'-Steel and get
driving. Once you're in the city, get rid of the car by pushing it off the
bridge. Just make sure the emergency brake isn't on. (STUDENT NO. 1: ~Making
tallies on a piece of looseleaf~ "Lessee, that'll be three vehicles we've
wrecked in one day- And three bills from Harley-Davidson, Volkswagon, and-
Uhm- Er- What unholy creature invented that red truck?" STUDENT NO. 2:
"I
dunno. I think they went out of buisiness, oh, about sixty or seventy years
ago." STUDENT NO. 1: "That's one less bill, then!" ~Cindy and
Chris's
notebooks hit them both~ STUDENTS: "Owww!!")
As you walk under the bridge to the city, you will see three members of
San Fransico's homeless community hanging out near the Dumpsters. Talk to
the
one in the red hat and green shirt. Yes, Christmas colors. Tell him "I
want
to get away, I wanna fly away!!" and he will keel over in horror, dead.
You
have now disposed of the enemy operative in the field. That wasn't so hard,
was it? Now go up to the hobo in green, blue, and brown. Tell him your
codename, ******, and he'll take us to our hideout. Welcome to our ranks,
brethren!
THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS.
FOUR.
THREE.
TWO.
ONE.
~Poof~