12 Days of Christmas
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear
Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Aberdine
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine-
two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable. You big silly, what next?
All my love, Aberdine
Dearest John,
Aren't
you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity-3
French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind.
Love Aberdine
Dear John,
Today the
postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't
you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Aberdine
Dear John,
What a surprise!
Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning
to get on my nerves.
All My love, Aberdine
Dear John,
When I opened
the door there were actually 6 Geese A-Laying on my front steps. So you're
back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the
racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Aberdine
John,
What's with you
and those F***ing birds? 7 Swans a swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is
this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never shut up. I can't
get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with
those F***ing birds already.
Sincerely, Aberdine
Okay buster, I think
I prefer the birds. what the hell am I to do with 8 Maids a-Milking? It's
not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over
the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just
lay off, smart-ass!
Aberdine
Hey shithead:
What are
you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 Pipers Piping, and Christ do they
play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday
morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours...
Aberdine
You rotten prick! Now
there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't why I call those sluts ladies. They've
been at it all night long with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep,
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner
of buildings has subpoened me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intertvene. One who means
it.
Venomously, Aberdine
Listen F***head:
What's with the 11 Lords a-Leaping all over those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run
through the maids and are commiting beastiality with the cows. All 23 of the
birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied you rotten, vicious, swine.
Your sworn enemy, Aberdine
Dear sir:
This is to
acknowledge your latest gift of 12 Fiddlers Fiddling, which you have seen
fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Aberdine at the Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions
to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for
your arrest.
Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole Attorneys at Law