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| Many times I have attempted to keep a journal. Many times I have failed. Interest in my own life never seems to last long, never more than a few month. Am I that boring? My cats find me fascinating, of course one is blind and the other, well let's say he's special. Not unlike me, eh? |
| March 2002 I know that my writing style lacks refinement and wit however I am still going to attempt to do justice to the past month's events by recording it here. For the past month I have been travelling with a family friend, M.E., visiting her mother-in-law who has been diagnosed with cancer. Marie underwent "successful" surgery and has been recovering for 6 months. Successful in hospital speak must mean that only a few life threatening complications should be expected. Marie developed an "opportunistic infection" which nearly killed her. The infection was the result of being in the hospital. You know the place where sick people are not welcomed. Proof is on the hospital enterance which states: IF YOU ARE SICK DO NOT ENTER This particular hospital never wants to miss the "opportunity" of causing additional harm to a patient's well being. Healthy people are very bad for business. Yet, regardless Marie began to recover. Marie had suffered! Her body and spirit were nearly destroyed but she continues to recover. The care and support she has recieved from both family, specifically M.E., and friends has helped her tremendously in her quest for improve emotional and physical health. I am so happy that I was able to have a small role in her recovery and am ecstatic to learn that she will be coming home............ |
| Easter 2002 Like our savior I started my day by rising. OUCH! I singed my eyebrows. Like most holidays this was a "family affair", although Jodie and Buffy were unavailable. When I write the term family I mean that special "choosen" group of friends and lovers who somehow manage to overlook your short comings. You know, those faults that your parents bullseye. Since my faimily has no great urge to spend the holidays with me I am free to visit friends. I did not expect the usual "family" drama. Yet, today was worth any FOX family special! Today Marie came home for a visit and she looked beautiful! She was given a well earned pass to leave the rehabilitation center, and like Ciderella she was not due back until midnight. She was' nt able to dance all night at the ball but she was able to, with a little help, walk from the car to the dining room. After months of being bedridden and wheelchair bound this feat out shined any waltz. You should have been there to see her face when she saw the feast on the table!!!! Nothing on the table had been gobbled up a spit back out of a blender as hosital like "mystery meatloaf, pineapple delight, or pureed" or the faovrite alternative to hospital food........ ICE CHIPS! After several months of fighting it was soooo lovely to see her win one battle (not that it was not difficult..) I am convinced that Marie will recover nicely. Yes, I know her life has become forever altered, her body will never be fully healed, but her heart and soul..........she is a million times the women she was! With her help I am finding my way............................................................................................................................................. |
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| April 2002 ----MY BIRTHDAY MONTH....................... Yes, I did notice that the month's had changed. So much for that pact I signed with Lucy Phur. I'm 1 year older!!!! I can her my bones cracking, crying for more calcium and my body screams for more exercise. I quess that binge drinking and dancing don't cut it! Eat right, drink right, work-out right, talk right, stand right, sleep right, earn right, spend righ, BUY right., BE JUST RIGHT! No wonder I can't get a good night sleep. Apparently I don't do anything right, DAMN that Lauren Hutton and her late night summer's eve ads which quest to teach those of us on the cusp of older age that we now need to worry about our bones, hair, weight. and way of life! It is time to concentrate on the business of aging gracefully! If we do it well we might end up looking like Laura, but my genetics tell me I'm going to look like Rod Steiger. |
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| April 17 Tomorrow I will be born….oh wait that’s been done. Wednesday, I with some friends will celebrate my 30th birthday. URRGGG! It doesn’t even sound right let alone feel right. T-H-I-R-T-H-Y, nope even spelled out it seems a bit strange. I suppose there are a variety of reason why celebrating tomorrow might seem odd. It’s not so much reaching the cusp of the thirty-something’s but the realization that the two people responsible for my first birthday are no longer part of my life. My mother died of cancer over a year ago, Feb 2001, just shy of her 49th birthday. Life and death circumstances have made it impossible for her to attend this years festivities, and this will be my 2nd birthday without her. It seems so strange, after all,my life was the gift she originally gave me, a beautiful transition into the world of the living and loving. And although I was with her until the moment she died there was never anything equivocal to that one gift she gave. I tried understanding, love, sadness, grief, humor. I even tried giving her the extra space she claimed to want. Nothing made her happy or comfortable. Nothing I had to offer would give her the same opportunity for growth that her gift had given me. What do you give a loved one when it’s their death not their birth marking the passage of time? I never found out. Now I don’t feel right celebrating the life she gave me when my life never pleased her and I was never able to make her want to live her own to the fullest . Nor was I able to ease her own transitory passage to death. I failed her in life and in death. The other partner in my birth no longer speaks to me. Apparently I have failed him as well. My father was not with me during my mother illness, understandably. He has a new wife and family, and I am just a physical reminder of a past failure and marriage . He does not NOW need a failure and loser like me complicating his life. There were no warm feelings between my parents after the divorce. So I understand all of this distance. He tried once to comfort me after my mom‘s death , something other that a quick phone call. A family trip. I was a basket case and couldn’t cope. The trip to visit his family overwhelmed me and I felt detached and confused. It was my first Christmas without my mom, and I had no one to talk to not even him. HE who had partnered with HER to create me. The two people who had given me the greatest gift possible were dead to me. One through disease the other through hard will and stubbornness. It would be nice to know that just one of the two missed me as much as I miss them………. |