You have arrived at the celestial gateway to the domain of the Fiddle Goddesses, benificent rulers of String Band Heaven.
The only place on Earth you can read the latest news and gossip from all your favorite string bands, read tape and CD reviews, banjo jokes, and even contribute something if the muse directs you!
And now some words from our kind sponsors...
DIXIE DARLIN' DE-LUX CORSETS
The Dixie Darlin's String Band, sole manufacturers, producers, packagers, and distributers of the world famous De-Lux Corset, offer this invitation to you... Try being fashionably out-of-date, it's not as painful as it looks. That's right, friends, handy-andy, jim-dandy, two-toned, steam-heated, chrome-plated De-Lux Corsets! Guaranteed not to rust, bust, collect dust, erode, corrode, or explode! They won't s t r e t c h your budget, and they sure won't leave you hanging. Available wherever fine foundations are usually found.
DINGY SADDLE, DROOPY MUSTACHE? EMBARRASSED?
The Masterson & Blackburn Cowpoke Emporium announces the creation of a high-falutin' new Western wear necessity --- Masterson and Blackburn Combination Saddle Soap and Mustache Wax! Saddle up in high style, cowpokes, with a sheen on yer saddle and a shine on yer handlebars! Guaranteed to make even the most slovenly cabanero appear somewhat refined. Thoroughly tested for product safety and flame retardance.The perfect gift for your favorite equestrian or mustache amorist. (Saddle and mustache not included).
FALDERAL STRING BAND presents...
For a limited time only! The new fool-proof banjo tuning kit! Yes, even the most severely tonally challenged banjo player can be forever relieved from the daily heartache and embarrassment of the constant tuning rituals so common to the species. For a miniscule donation you can wipe away years of torment and annoyance! The kit includes: wire cutters, a 20 lb. sledge hammer, a shovel, and 2 bags of industrial concrete. For an additional sum, receive the bonus deluxe option, a first class airline ticket for the banjo player of your choice to exotic Siberia!!! Don't let this chance pass you by, order yours today!
DON'T WORRY --- BE EUPHORIC!
Friends, in these troubled times, many musical personnel are suffering and anxious because of the low pay and gruelling conditions of their noble profession. The compassionate patrons at Euphoria String Band, Inc., understand the trials and tribulations musicians face, and are offering help. The solution for the times, Euphoria String Band Anti-depressants! Extensive studies have shown that a regular regimen of this unique medication will mellow even the most uppity and burned out musical individuals. Don't hesitate, find relief and feel Euphoric! (Disclaimer: Euphoria, Inc. denies any actual improvements in your financial or working conditions, however, if taken as directed you just won't care anyway!)
"I'm here to introduce the long awaited, simply unheralded, clinically
approved by 10 out 9 doctors -- "Roscoe Goose's Official Jug Wax". Recently endorsed by the internationally blues artist-
Blind Lemon Pledge, this product, mysteriously thought to be a
useless byproduct of hog rendering is now available on a unlimited basis. Any crockery may benefit from this product. Any jug whether
handled from the left or handled from the right, is a candidate.
Slapping is opptional. Order yours today. Available in the 5oz.
training size or the 55 gallon "professionals preference". Allow ten minutes for shipping. Trial Offer! absolutely FREE. [$500.00] shipping for 5oz. quantity, Installment financing for professional size. Sincerely, Gil Fish, JJB Representative" "I was so impressed, I bought the company" -- G.F. owner& product user
INTERNATIONAL PLECTRUM SOCIETY
By invitation only, the International Plectrum Society hosts the upper echelon of pickin' aristocracy. Upon unanimous acceptance of the board of directors, you will learn the secret picker's handshake, known to members only, and have access to the full benefits of this exclusive society. Some new accessories and products are available for the initiate as well as established members: Picker Licker, our own vintage brew, Pickers Knickers, highest quality silk boxer shorts, elegantly embroidered with the IPS logo, and the Plectern Lectern, a handy pick holder for any gig or jam session. Don't be surprised someday if one of our members seeks you out to join the Plectral Family --- just like our moto, "We've got a nose for pickin'!"
The TAVERN IN THE TOWN
Opening soon for the ultimate in sophisticated gourmet dining experiences!
Be graciously welcomed by the charming and hospitable proprietors, the 97th Regimental String Band, as you enter into the domain of luxurious Civil War gastronomy. You will be served in authentic Tavern style by the lovely cook and hostess, "Devilish Mary". Delicious aromas will waft your way as you peruse the unique menu, which features such delectable entrees as: "Goober Peas", "Hard Tack", "Shortenin' Bread", "Cockles and Mussels", and "Army Beans". To perfectly compliment your main course, the proprietors offer soul-satisfying beverages, a toe-tingling "Jug of Punch", the ever popular "Jolly Grog", or the fog-inducing "Drop of Nelson's Blood". Due to the busy schedule of travel and concerts, the management is currently serving guests intermittently... whenever they get around to it. (If you get hungry waiting, just go over to Rick's house and microwave something)..
You see a banjo player on one side of the road, and an accordian player on the other. Which one do you run over first? Answer: the accordian player --- business before pleasure.