| Journal Entries |
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| Day 22 6/3/02 - I just got an email from my ex-girlfriend entitled OVERKILL!!! i was shocked to see an email from her... i have no freaking clue how she found my site but heck, we have much to talk about she's the second from my school, mind boggling isnt it??? and boy she whines as much as ever... lol just kidding Annie, still love you!!! but i've never been so what's the word... excited??? no... happy?? maybe... my weekend was tons of fun oodles and oodles of it... hehe dork terminology, buy a dictionary... I just scanned a pic of myself, and boy do i look chubby... i also put up a new song call Mysterious Times, I'm in love with that song... welll i'll prolly overplay it until i get sick of it but as of now I'M IN LOVE!!! well check out the lyrics page and see my thoughts on it... i promise it's not cheesy.... Day 21 6/1/02 - FUN FUN FUN!!! pleasure overwhelming... oh yes... went on a date but i wont tell you!! ehehehe... i mean MUST WE KNOW EVERYTHING?!?!? nosey!!! my room mate has pink eye... and for the love of GOD!!! if he infects me i'mm kill his sorry ass... I hate it when i get infected with Hoe-ritis or slut-uenza... jeeeesh... i dont ever get anything but when i come home i have something to worry about... god knows i love my room mates but bloody hell they piss me off... So i havent been home so i'm just recalling my pissed-offness... and it feels good not to be home... no to be bothered... no emails to answer no messages to check... and i'm developing a bad sense of perception. that worries me... i know my my short term memory is innate but i've found it quite hard lately to recall what i do without repeating things over and over in my head so that it would be long term memory... but as always... god giveth and he taketh away... Good looks and bad memory, evens out LOL just kidding... I'm honestly not arrogant... just full of it... Day 20 5/31/02 - The end of the month... is that supposed to be something special? not really... time flies and God KNOWS i'm trying to catch up to it... I'm writing this down from memory since i Left for San Francisco on thursday until Sunday Night so this is like notes... Today(well from what i can recall today should be Friday) HE picked me up last night and we went out to dinner... to my surprise he liked Beef Noodle, Pho as we Noodles call it, and boy was HE cute when he tried to pronounce it... and NO, HE equals who i'm seeing, NOT implying that i worship him... i barely have time to worship myself HAHAHAH just joshing... I'm slightly vain, but not arrogant... argue all you want I aint listening... so save your breath... Tonight I went out to Badlands... found a cool new song so that's good... something for thought... but i have to admit... NATHAN U IDIOT... date = no bars = bad idea = overall stupid... so note to self... STOP!!! ALSO note to self, one drink... one drink... one drink... okay maybe two... but stop there... Day 19 5/29/02 - Wednesday, Okay... should i rant like before... should i complain about how shitty my life is? NO... not today... I mean think of the third world children (insert sarcastic comments here)... i mean there's shit and then there could be worse... what the hey right? if life throws you a bag of shit, step on it and call it pudding... oh god no... nevermind bad analogy... but I'm gonna lighten up now... I've a joker, I'm a smartass, i admit it... no time to be depressed... SO what now?? There's someone i LIKE alot!! but i really can mention his name... he knows who he is... and the bad thing is, how do i know it's never gonna work out? take it day by day? that's what i ALWAYS do, but i can help but remember what happened to my other relationships... good god... DAMN YOU selective short term memory... damn you to hell... life's not hard, life's not complicated... why does it seem so!!!! Yes... but it is... life's like a box of chocolate... no no... life's like a pile of shit... take it as you will, pick it out, clean it up, it still smells like shit... so let someone ELSE clean it up... unless it's your pile of shit you're screwed.... Day 18 5/27/02 - OKAY!!! Slept all day, what a productive day i had... what a weekend. havent had so much fun since. the last time i passed out lol..oh. let's not talk about that.. i'll have some new pics up... I'm so confused... i want some stability in my life damnit, i'm shure my brain is functioning correctly but i'm just completely blank... I need to go on a road trip, infact i have it planned, 6/16 with my friend Michael, it's his 25th birthday so i hope i can get him to have some fun and me as well... i was supposed to go out with my 3 friends today but i couldnt wake up, I have to call them tomorrow and reschedule but, wow what a great friend i am eh? they know me all too well already, and THAT's the freaky part, i have yet to come out to them. 11 years. 12 and counting. do they need to know? do i WANT to tell them? I DONT KNOW! Day 17 5/25/02 - OKAY!!! MARGARET CHO ROCKS!!!... that was THE greatest stand up i've ever seen and dang it rules.... OKAY, i have a confession, i'm DEATHLY afraid of heights and boy i went on 3 rides... oh such is the motion of body fluid... vomit frozen in midair it's beautiful... LOL just joshing... well a pat to myself on the back... first steps to conquering my phobia... those rides were higher than i thought... Altho with my eyes closed i couldnt tell much of a difference... Well ANYWHO!!! it's the bloody morning already and i've yet to shower and eat breakfast (something i havent done for ages...) no wiseguys... EAT BREAKFAST... not the showering part... well off to feed myself... End Rant Sequence Day 16 5/23/02 - OH JOY!!! Dear diary... ahemm!!! *slit wrists*... tomorrow is Gay day at great America and boy AM I GONNA HAVE fun! Thank God i didnt have to pay for my ticket... i'd be one poor bastard by now... still no luck on the Job... *sigh* no worries right? i'll get lucky somehow... but in the mean time all i CAN DO is worry... that's the sad part... oh well once school starts, i'll have an excuse NOT to work.... Went home from bowling and playing pool today... had fun, somewhat... quite amazed how much i suck at both... not only do i suck but i managed to get a score below 50 by the 10th round.... dumbfounded... so anywho here I am at 4 AM in the morning trying to find a song that has meanings to me... something to cheer me up... but at las none so far... I guess it's bed time then... Day 15 5/21/02 - OKAY FOLKS PICTURES ARE UP... finally got that stupid scanner to work... some pics are small and deformed... it's not scanning too well... so if you folks bare with me... i'll get more pics of my family (siblings and room mates) soon... once i find em... I met a really cute guy a few days ago... and guess what his phone was the one in my pocket... I'm such a drunken mess... I' gotta stop ... anywho we're talking and we're gonna go out next week... oh joy... at least if my social/work life is screwy my personal life is just dandy... bloody fine... I'm gonna have to do something soon... i'm dry... very dry... it's like a desert in my wallet... i was so desperate i apply for Albertson... *shudders* evil evil grocery stores... any who... sIGN MY GUEST BOOK FOLKS... Ciao bello... Day 14 5/19/02 - I can't remember what happened last night... my god... stupid stupid nathan!!! here's what i can remember... woke up in brother's room in castro... brother's nowhere to be seen... i puke all over the front porch... oh shock there... not the first time... well it's not my fault... never is (hehe) well i mean corruption of a minor and all... phone number in one pocket and to my surprise i have no clue how i got it... i'm shure as hell my brother is going to embarass my butt off once he comes home... okay.... new goal Dont get drunk or try any "stuff" for the next 3 monthes... if i do get a job they're gonna screen my urine... OH GOD nearly forgot about that... nathan... u moron... *kicks himself* ... welll hopefully i can weasel my way outta this... if not another month til another interview then... but i dont think i should worry... it's been a month since i did anything bad... and alcohol can be flushed with more alcohol hehe kidding.. lots of water i think... okay paranoid paranoid.... stop it stop it... Day 13 5/17/02 - Well this is a delayed entry... Yahoo (insert kiss ass message here... being the great sponsors that they are went down for 3 days... so i couldnt write... I'm in San Fran right now... about to go out in a bit... trying to drag Dave out... SUCH a party pooper... if there are no cute guys he wont leave his deathbed... slut... surrounded by sluts... god forbid that i should i associate myself with them hehe... welll until i get a car at least... So what can i expect hmmm what indeed... is those kinky leather daddies gonna grab me ass yet again? i HATE THAT... i mean by all means go harass my friend, he's so much stronger... okay what was the point of me writing for today when i'm going out? No clue... insane left membrane talking to insane right membrane... must drown thoughts with Alcohol... what a great idea... dont mind if i do... *evil grin* okay i'll go enjoy myself folks... y'all have a good day... Day 12 5/15/02 - Dear Diary... *hangs self on imaginary rope* Please remind me not to do that again... So I finally got an Interview... Abercrombie and Fitch... whoooo hooo... next wednesday tho... what should i say... what should i wear... paint their logo on my forehead??? come in there and ready to attack? OOOH OOH got it... sleep with the store manager... no wait... bad idea... she's too old and wrinkly... *faints at the thought* well i think i have something planned i'm not shure... i can tell them how energetic i am... how i can improve their work enviroment... how outgoing, friendly, courteous, work oriented and dedicated i am... i'm shure they'll hire me... okay now that i'm done lying with that... i honestly dont know what to expect... my first and second job had minor interviews but they already gauranteed a job... this one i'm not so shure... bad impression... bye bye nathan... good impression i get hired... i mean me walking out on my last two jobs dont give much for my stability... i can just lie and say i moved? i'm hoping it wont come up... if it does i dont know if i can lie... not in my nature... seriously... stop choking on laughter... go away now... |
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| Day 11 5/13/02 - Ermmm... i mean i'm not THAT useless... sOMEONE HIRE ME... perhaps i'm just being paranoid... wait and it will come? ermmm yeah right... ask and ye shall recieve? sorry... what a dilemma... yes Nathan, take about a year off of school and hold off til college... spend about a year or so and earn some CASH.... stupid stupid voice in my head, i mean work has done me absolutely no good... just more stress... and now i'm going broke, my bloody tax return hasnt even arrived yet... THAT's it I'm gunna go out to the street corner and make myself some money... ooops ehe... 5 dollars man whore anyone? Okay how about this... I'll stop ranting and let y'all sleep... me i gotta go chew off some more fingernails waiting for another interview... i mean (ego speaking) a guy like me has to have people chasing after me with job offers here and there right? I should just litter the streets with my resume... which isnt saying much since it's got nothing on it.... I REALLY must go now, i'm ranting like an idiot... *sigh* babbling babbling... sleepless babbling... Day 10 5/11/02 - Well i finally found my old scanner and for the love of me I CANT FIND A DC 10Volt adapter... MUST RESIST URGE TO KILL... i mean there's gotta be one around the house... been going mad... i guess i might have to go out and buy one... no job and still spending money... AYE ... I can't believe this... So i'm committed i think... i'll drag my friend along with me to find a job... i mean I'm a wimp... when it comes to interviews... you'd think i was michael jackson, i'm deathly afraid of managers i dont know why... perhaps i know i'm gonna let my ego piss them off... anywho i'm tired i'm hungry and i 'm horny... ooops did i say that outloud... welp... gotta raid the fridge then bang my head until the wall gives in or i fall unconscious... either way... good night folks... Day 9 5/9/02 - Okay 2 days without work... *insert shameless self plugging here* whoever is reading who wants hired help??? pool boy? newspaper fetcher? hehe all kidding asie it sucks to be without a job again... i guess i could just join one of them Mormon groups and start being a missionary *shivers* what a scary thought!!! anywho... i have my eye out for my local Best buy store... who knows... i can throw in a bunch of words i dont know and flare out my computer geekiness maybe, just MAYBE they'll buy it... heck the idiots who hired me at my last job bought it (names not mentioned) *cough* Safeway *cough* .... i need more practice in my bullshitting ability... oh well... it's not too bad... and i need some new socks, undershirts and underwear too!!! dang it!!! Day 8 5/7/02 - Nathan!!! you dimwit!! you idiot!!! That's just me slapping myself, i've finally let my arrogance take the best of me... Instead of rationalizing and talking things through i just decided to run off yet again.. something i can tell is becoming too much of a habit for me (running from things)... ANYWHO... i just quit my job... hehe no more work yay!!! no more money *curses in his native tongue* @#$@%^ ... anyways Safeway suck... that just proves my point... ran by a bunch of worthless idiots who cares more about putting on false facades and kissing ass than about putting Items on the shelves... ARGH!!! pulling my hair out... imagine if they were to fire me, *'d send them "I'll pillage your women and rape your horses" threat mail... Day 7 5/5/02 - My first crush in fourth grade was also one of my best friend... she was the sweetest girl you could know... always went out to make someone smile... that's what i liked about her... I've had 2 GFs what i wouldnt give to have her as one of them... too bad i'm gay and she's not really into "white-washed" guys she claimed me to be... she's a sticky rice (when asians like asians, a term coined brilliantly by us...) ... one of them girls, you know... even tho she's pretty white washed herself... i dont know... And so she's probably mad at me for not coming to her party in Davis... right!!! like i'm gonna spend a whole day with a bunch of girls... if they were fag hags i wouldnt mind but her friends!! i've MET her "friends" they scare me... think Witches of Eastwick meet Stepford Cuckoos... *shudders* Day 6 5/3/02 - one of my best friend's Brithday today... and great 2 more days and it'll be my other friends bday... i miss the good old days... 4th grade, the 4 of us... we forged a bond that exist until today but what of the friendship? shure we act like we always do around one another we all love each other but there's too much change... there's so much to talk about and yet so little time... 2 of them are in Davis and the other lives near by... they're busy with school and i'm busy with work... GOD!!! why can't i have my childhood back? What i wouldnt give to be back 7 years ago... everything was fine, everything was perfect... them BOOM... all hell broke loose... i moved they moved, and our lives took their toll because of the change... i talked to them last month and we all want just one day to spend but none of us have a day where we're all off... it's hard to find a best friend when i'm so DAMN picky... acquaintances and friends... shure they're all over... i want my best friends back dangit... Day 5 5/1/02 - Okay, a new month and here's a new entry... what to say? I'm going to get my driver's license sometimes next week... I know i know... i'm 18 and barely getting a license... what can i say? I'm lazy... been slacking off WAY TOO MUCH... i'm trying to get rid of my circuit trash image... havent gone out to Universe in about a month and a half... i'm so proud of myself... damn that fake ID damn it to hell... okay time to be a good boy... well for the time being... So I moved the first 4 days into the archives to the left of this page... and added a new song... my friends and the people around me have too much drama... I'm trying to be a friend, i'm all ears... i try to be understanding... but what should i tell them? they're immoral? they should quit? what they're doing is wrong? i have no right... i'll support them but i wont make their mind up for them... i refuse to... somethings are meant left unsaid... wait for the storm to blow over, dont get caught in it's current or you'll be swept away, I have enough on my mind than to worry about someone else's problem. Sorry, I'm selfish... i wanna be sane... Day 4 4/30/02 - I'm trying in vain, making up reasons for myself... I'm justifying all the hurt inside me... i can't find one, I can't do anything anymore... I have too much on my mind, i dont know what tho... I need someone... my emotions are chaotic, and my friends and the people around me are feeling its effect, i dont want that... they dwell way too much into my life... that's a bad thing according to Math for dummies in my book... But aside from that i'm cheery and peppy... Ned Flanders iddly fiddly bright... oh who am i kidding? I'm pissed... at work at life in general... I've questioned myself many times before, who am i waiting for? there's gotta be a reason/someone... if not why am i waiting? why do i feel like i'm waiting, to anyone who knows me i've always talked about growing old alone and living with cats and snakes, not needing anyone, not wanting anyone... but why then am i waiting? Day 3 4/28/02 - Day 3 you say? but the dates are being skipped every OTHER day.. well a possible explanation could be that us gay guys dont know how to count so well... I HATE WORK!!!! that's the sound of me ripping my hair out... oh God i cant wait for school, ugh... that left a bad taste in my mouth... i promise to have pictures of my friends and me up next month... right now i'm too cheap to buy a scanner... i work for Safeway for God's sake... My mind is going blank, i dont know why... i blame it on low wages and my shitty neighborhood... I'm bored, I'm going to stuff myself with junk food now.... oh i can hear it too clearly.... WILL SOMEONE THINK OF THE THIRD WORLD CHILDREN!!! they're starving and we're here obesed and overweight... well OBVIOUSLY the third world children went on a special Jenny Craig diet program... Day 2 4/26/02 - Me again... have you ever wonder what it would be like to be normal? I have... doesnt help much tho, only makes me depressed... I mean are there ANY normal people left in this world?? A wife, 2.5 kids, a dog, 2 cars and hot sex evernight while the kids sleep *please!*... the American dream is dead, if you're gay it's forgotten... thank God i dont like children and i dont believe in marriage... oh shocking isnt it? NOT all gay guys like kids yah know... I've updated my other link... songs i like and their meaning to me... it's mostly songs i've gotten from my Etard friends... well Dave mainly but I'm surrounded by druggies... change of subject, drugs are bad *cough*(yeah right)... I'm an Ace of Base fan and i'm not ashamed to admit it... what can i say, I in love with bands that perpetuates the same beat/tunes and are going downhill... at least their career isnt going up the slut hill like someone we all know and LOVE *cough* Mariah Carey *cough*... I've got work soon... no time for being a computer geek anymore for the next 8 hours... Day 1 4/24/02 - NOW IT BEGINS... Okay okay, it's not catchy I know... Well, I'm desperately TRYING not to title this page Diary, I maybe gay but I'm not GAY gay (oh you know!) So you're probably wondering WHY did I decide to make a web page? For a couple of reasons, I'm bored, I work for Safeway, and I have no life (Ermmm, scratch the last 2, HEY! it's the weekdays... who HAS a life)... My friend adviced me to write, to pour out all of my artistic talents... Great friend she is, IF I HAD ANY, I'd pour it out babe... If you dont have a headache yet, read on... I'm 18 and I have NO CLUE WHATSOEVER to do with my life... it's kinda drifting, ya know? I'm just on the edge of I wanna stand on the street corner and getting a master in computer science... altho i hope i'll be aiming for the latter... oh yeah, forgot to introduce myself... my name is Nathan and i'm an alcoholic... ermm no not really, that line is just so enticing i couldnt help but say it... Oh screw it, there's not much to say, if i said everything about me now what's the point of everything? |