Journal Entries
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Day 131 3/15/03 - "Summer days at the sea, it was just you and me. Now that moment is gone, but our story lingers on.  If you told me you had to go, I'd believe."

So i promised myself to not ever go out again. yeah thats gunna happen. anywho im trying to hard to cut down. stupid stupid friends, i cant seem to say no to people. im just so damn nice =P hehe. well i did say i wanted to develop an addiction cause i was so damn bored. now that ive got it i need to go to Circuit Trash Anonymous. all i can say is, the shit i do for, err with my friends. =) well if anyone ever asks, im a good boy. im a good boy, common folks, repeat after me. Nathan's a good boy lol.

Eh, i have to go shopping for clothes tomorrow, i'm running out things to wear. i only have 2 ties for Pete's sake. but there also goes my bank account. so much for saving up money for a new sound system. i better win the damn lottery soon.

Day 130 3/8/03 - "I walked in dreams, for million years, all on my own, within my tears.  Now here I stand and wonder why, I have lost faith in you and I."

Now, there's this inherent problem that folks seem to think we fags have. to grow up without a role model, lol now if only that was true. i just bought a book by Michael Thomas Ford called The Little Book of Neurosis, it's a riot. but i'd have to say, witty, sarcastic, and cynical humor is my territory. the bastard beat me to it. so now im left with dry humor, yeesh. but hey you never know, i might be the next aspiring writer, someday. maybe i should sleep with some of the publishers. and uh, work my way up. no pun intended.

Where's a damn houseboy when you need one? my clothes are piling up again, being lazy and gay is difficult, it goes against everything fags are supposed to be, neat, clean, and anal(no not that kind of anal). *sigh* stupid clothes.

Day 129 3/1/03 - "You may be strong, but you should know that I'm not fit to fall in love."

Ive been messing with this thinger called Sonic Foundry, trying to mix some music and i found out something rather interesting, i have no talent whatsoever. hehe. i have a few midterms coming up, i think im gunna cry, and people ask why i bitch so often. *pulls hair out*

Yah know, i really need to take up a hobby or something, or find myself a new best friend cause im bored shitless. the bars and clubs arent the same ever since the end of the Universe, life has no meaning. LOL inside joke. fags are walking around aimlessly without a purpose. well until the reopening of the new Universe which ive yet to hear about. anywho! i gotta cut down, its the feeling of being sketchy when u walk into a bar and more than 3 people other than yer friends know who you are, it's sad really. i must go kill myself now...

Day 128 2/22/03 - "I'm searching my soul tonight and it's breakin' my heart. I'm wearin' this mask tonight but I'm falling apart."

So what happens when i get over it. that nagging feeling that's been in the back of my head ever since i fell in love is gone, or is it just that i've felt this way all my life that i'm beginning to get used to it. so i sit on my bed and i stop thinking for a second. it's funny somehow. life was this bitter joke that no one seemed to be laughing at. I was the only one who got the irony.

I need to get ready to go out now and face another endless night with faceless strangers i dont care to know. whats the better of the two? to stay at home alone and feel sorry for myself or to go out with friends and feel sorry for myself pretending to have fun. it's all the same so why bother. it doesnt matter. hoping for the times to be different but things  dont change, they never do. my mind wanders and the clock stops ticking, it's time to sleep.

Day 127 2/15/03 - "Lonely among a thousand people. This is how I feel. Somebody please help me find my soul."

Do you know when youve gone out to much? sad really. ever since i got that stupid raise ive been out 3 days outta every week, *cries* it's so unfair. i know i whine too much but it's so true.

yah know optimism aint gunna getcha anywhere, that's my saying. nothing exciting ever happens to me, i dunno if im lame or the people around me are hehe. god knows it's not me =) then again, ive been wrong once or twice. actually, once, but im shure it was the other person's fault. i'm SO needy right now it's not even funny, i cant afford to call my fag-hag or my ex-roomie. *sigh* i need some replacements. and i thought looking for a boyfriend was hard, i cant even find a new best friend. make it stop! could this have something to do with me being bad? i hope not!

Day 126 2/8/03 - "Where were you when the world changed?"

Sleeping...

So my brother and dave is in chicago having fun at a circuit party while im at home moping around, doing the laundry AGAIN! how lame is that? i went out to the local bars just now and when i walked inside, i thought to myself, what the hell i was doing there. in my drunkenness(is that a word?) i still had some sense of logic. so i took a cab home, ditching all of my friends. i thought about going elsewhere but itd just be the same feeling. guys are the same, same old shit i have to put up with. i have these 2 lesbian friends, theyve known eachother for years online. they're in love and they'll meet for the first time on Vday. they're excited and nervous and often ask me about the other. even though they never met, they've been faithful and IN LOVE, i can help but feel envious of it, i want something like that... tomorrow.

Day 125 2/1/03 - "Loneliness kills my world.  How could you guess, when you're only thinking of yourself?"

My mom's birthday is coming up, and here i thought a few days ago that i was feeling better. i am really, but i have this bad habit of not letting go of things. it just clings to my mind, maybe thats y im so morbid all the time. i think i need to take up smoking lol. cynicism is my middle name.

So im out of money for my gay cinema books. gotta go rent the celluloid closet too. @!#!@ and i thought the damn class would be easy. lol so much i know eh? and then theres my gay relationships which reminds me a little too much of AA meetings. "Hi my name is Nate and i am an obsessive single gay male. I signed up to learn more about why the people i stalk never calls me back." hehe i kid i kid. i got a new com WOOHOO, when i saw it i nearly came in my pants. lol its awesome, and for only 800 bucks. =)

Day 124 1/25/03 - "Here’s what I’ve been waiting for, I felt it all before.  My memory is telling me lies, I'm scared that I cannot hide."

Alright folks, the new pics are up in the Friends and Family page. some more dorky pics of me and the rest of the gang. took my lazy brother long enuff to upload them.

So, how charming is Nathan? hehe i kid i kid. anywho, I helped out a branch downtown and they offered me a job there with higher pay and higher position. WHOO, Im moving on up, before you know it, I'll be a sugar daddy LOL. Now all i need is a houseboy, preferable one with very little knowledge of American customs so that i can err, educate him in houseboy mannerisms =). hey, it could happen right? dont crush my hopes. eh. I have to do something soon, or im gunna feel guilty. i dont want anymore people to hate me, anymore than there is. *sigh* Bedtime.

Day 123 1/18/03 - "Morning has come, as I realize that I'm alone with myself. Yesterday, all was dark, I was lying on the floor, in this night I am completely another me."

Yay, i get a 2 day weekend. I wont have to put up with idiots til wednesday. but theres also a matter of school, urgh. someone kill me now! Mikey went to LA with his bf, so i wont have anyone to bug this week. Brad is going to LA to altho for work rather than pleasure. so Ashe will bug me hehe. Couples, blah they make me sick. Im begining to sound like a broken record eh? same old bitching.

why does life have to be so routine. im even sitting here listening to the same old song thinking about the same old thing. SINGING the same old thing speaking of which, i need to take singing class. my shrieking right now doesnt necessarily qualify as singing y'know. maybe im the next American Idol LOL.*drops*

Day 122 1/11/03 - "These are the thoughts that I conceal, though my eyes can't hide the way I feel."

Y'know, maybe i should take Paxil hehe, then i wouldnt feel so shitty all the time,  damn depression and mood swings. i could have sworn i had weekly periods. ive been lazy on this journal thing. who knew thinking could be so much hard work, eh and the whole not having the internet is a drag. stupid fake id, its of no use.

my friend linda will be gone on the 15th im gonna have to take her to a straight bar tonight. eeeek, fobby straight asian males, thats like my worst nightmare ever to  be locked in a room with those "guys" Oh dont get me wrong here, im not being mean. Ive dated a half japanese guy before it's just the loud talking and hair-style 'you know, split in the middle' and the broken english, it scares me sometimes. i mean FOBBULOUS is a dead style!!
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Day 121 1/4/03 - "I'm hiding away as I'm running from reality. Who am I? Am I just an actor in this game?"

How time flies when you're broke. =) . well it DOES! i'm trying down with no luck about this sunday job. my fag hag Linda is moving back to Boston soon, damn her for leaving me here alone! Mikey has a BF now so im lying in the gutters. I have no friends now, sad eh? i am now taking applications yet again for a new Fag hag. ugly women need not apply. and if youre and ugly fag hag, i'm warning you, i have garlic! oh i kid i kid. hehe

It sucks when you have to let go of any relationship, circumstances that leads us away from one another. it makes me sad to come and see that fall through. I feel like i'm just playing a small role in some sick perverted play that i can seem to wake out of. it goes on and on and no matter what i do, it draws me back.

Day 120 12/28/02 - "What do you do on the day after doomsday?"

Tis the season to be depressing, *sigh* my mother died 3 years ago. it was a day after Christmas, my whole world collapsed when i found out that evening, and like the orphan apes that rocks themselves to sleep due to the lack to the nurturing arms of their mothers, i would rock myself to sleep for a year. a few knew of how i felt back then, how i sometimes feel now. its frightening when you stare at something wishing to see it and all you see is the cold emptiness staring back at you, piercing you. it drives you to do things . I dont wanna think of it.

Did i mention at times like this i need to go see a damn shrink? hehe well the christmas pictures are almost done and ill put em up once my dear ole brother gets his ass to put them up then email it to me. I'm starved, im gunna go head for sum sushi now, then nap time, good good nap time. im too tired.

Day 119 12/21/02 - "I am afraid of what I see, but my world is sane, when I sleep."

My mother cried for me when i was 15, she said that she knew i wouldnt understand what she was going through when she found out she had cancer. It never struck me until I've lost it and now i continue to lose it. It's funny how holiday seasons some people are happy and yet i dread it like a plague. it wont stop, the thoughts eating at me.

*sigh* Whatever. I still havent finished my laundry. perpeptual laundry fest. YEEESH, anywho. a friend of mine told me that i always mention drinking or being drunk in my entries. I must argue that point. hehe it's SO not true. i mean compared to the many times I've ACTUALLY been drunk it's really nothing =) well okay ill stop mentioning boys, sex, and drugs starting NOW. er. we'll see how long this lasts. *yipe* still havent bought xmas presents yet. talk about slothing around. i better start soon.

Day 118 12/14/02 - "What were you doing when my world collapse?"

i'm still standing here asking myself why I havent changed. i see things pass me by and there's no way for me to catch up. I guess it's just the part of me trying to hold on to the past. trying so desperately to accept the things that happen to me, to my life. *sigh* i'm just too morbid right now, it's the right season i guess. I think i need to go out and talk to my friends maybe their own depressing rants will make me feel better LOL. heck, if one can make one feel better in other's misery then he can be damn happy with whatever he does wrong. all kidding aside, i think i need to lighten up. this is depressing.

Okay so i dont have much time anymore so i'm just gunna write once every week. what can i say, laziness grows with time hehe. okay ciaoskie, gotta go eat, i'm famished.

Day 117 12/7/02 - My mom told me once, youre the only one you can depend on because you were born alone and you will grow up alone. i guess she was foretelling something to me because im beginning to understand what she meant. i've lost so moments where i could have done something different to change the outcome that i face. it's funny because ive always said that i dont ever regret whatever i do. i find out how utterly wrong i am because i'm sitting here now and i'm suddenly depressed.

I dont know. I just realized i'm in a constant state or laundry-work hehe, it never seems to end. it's not that i'm lazy right? hehe i think we should all just be comfortable with our nudity and prance around naked, gives me much less to worry about. damn clean underwears! i need to do some shopping soon. my socks are disappearing and i dunno where they go. okie i think it's time for me to get some nap, i'm starting to ramble again.

Day 116 12/5/02 - For the love of Pete. I'm bored, is it my birthday again yet? hehe. i feel so old, this is my last year as a teen, hmm i cant make excuses that  ends "but i'm a teenager anymore" oh well another year and it's over, then i'd have to wait ANOTHER year before i can go out. my fake id is expiring in 5 monthes. yipe, that's gunna majorly suck. I'd have to put up with Faith, *sigh*. underage kids is fun and all but most of them arent ready for a relationship, know what i mean? even the ones under 30 year olds. they think theyre still hot shots that they fuck around. i'm not whining but i guess it's pretty common with gay guys. if only i was a lesbian than everything'd be so fine. hehe. hey strap-ons rocks!

okay back to doing some work before i go out lol. it's a thursday yah know. must have energy for going out and get drunk. who know what would happen lol. oh who am i kidding. i think i'll just sit on my ass and chat with my friends and collapse.

Day 115 12/3/02 - shucks it's almost finals time, i think i'm gunna die. literally. i dont think im doing to well. damnit i gotta sleep with the teachers now. maybe more than twice LOL well it's always a back up plan right? all i gotta do is imagine them as Chris Odonnel hehe. or be on serious crack. either way it's not impossible.

all kidding aside, i gotta plan for next semester if i dont do well this semester. i've been slacking off WAY too much, it's not even funny. damn voices in my head telling me to party hehe. MUST RESIST urge. *hangs self on imaginary rope* i have to read this book i have, 600 pages to go. too bad its not on sparknotes so that i can just skim through the summary. lol oh the pain of it all. i think i can get it done in one day if i dont get distracted by folks. very doubtful since i seem to not be able to get away from the computer. lol evil evil techonology i tell you, okay i think i better nap and start on it b4 its too late.

Day 114 12/1/02 - *sigh* I' think i'm getting a stomach *screams like a japanese school girl* yepp, been eating too much at night. it''s not really a stomach, but it's just kinda unnerving knowing that it's a bit chubby =). anywho, i think i drank too much on my birthday since i just woke up LOL. erm, not the first time. oh how shameful, shameful nathan hehe. i hate work nights, well then again i hate every night where i'd have to wake up like a normal person. i really gotta get a new job where i can wake up at 10 and just not do anything while im at it. maybe a computer job or sumthing. I'm still not giving up on that sugar daddy thing LOL. who's hiring?

I'm still mad my  friend Mikey didnt go to my birthday party. GRRR punk i'm gunna call him once i get my bodily cohesion and bitch at him. well i guess some people have work eh? and Linda didnt come, oh i'm gunna cry. hehe oh well, at least i had fun. screw em, i can bitch at em later.

Day 113 11/29/02 - I had to work on my birthday, what kind of Bullshit is this? lame ass bank. *note to self* when i get famous i'll remember not to be generous to my manager. and i dont ever get extra pay. *urge to kill rising.*

I had a blast today. altho i was drunk half of the night ehehehe. it's was so sweet of Ashe and Brad to come to my birthday and got drunk with me. i mean how many sisters do you know that does that for their little brother? hehe. but i met a really sweet guy today, not to mention cute. altho a bit tall, no bitching here whatsoever. all i know is that i had a great time. new birthday resolution: find a BF hehe. more of an objective but same thing, i have no life anyways. i'm gunna pursue this guy like a rat to cheese, like a queen to gay diva music, like a bible beater to young boys. hehe well you get the idea. i really think this guy is cute. he's not only caring but thoughtful. it's the first time since i felt this way in a long time. it's a good thing in my book.

Day 112 11/27/02 - Oh Gosh, cant it be friday already? i wanna get this whole drunken thing over with hehe. and Turkey day tomorrow, or as i'd like to call it, the day where we honor white people slaughtering the native americans. all in good jest non?

I've been feeling irritated lately, you know, one of those days where everybody just piss you off to no end and you just wanna run them over with your car? anyone else feels that way? hehe maybe not. Its just that i dont feel like doing anything lately. and working is becoming a bad habit. I'm just glad the holidays are coming up. since i get at least a day or two off. stupid stupid evil corporation. Where's my sugar daddy? hehe taking applications now! people half dead need not apply. lol. No i'm not shallow, i respect everyone of any age, but if they expect to date me when theyre my age's age, all i can say is EWW. anywho. i'm pooped from work. i think i'm gunna go jerk off and sleep. *yawns*

Day 111 11/25/02 - Woohoo, 5 days til i turn 19. wow, i'm getting old. *frantically looks for gray hair* hehe none yet. i gotta touch up on me hair, the back looks horrid since i got a haircut. it's too short and the patterns are showing. cant wait for Wednesday, my best friends are coming and staying the night til thursday, so i'm happy. change of plans, i know. it's better than nothing. okay, time to get the cum stains off my sheets lol. I can show them my new credit card, woohoo. but i aint paying fer their asses hehe. i just like swiping it. =)

Well since my brother's been home i havent been able to borrow the car. sucks. i have to wake up EARLY again and take the bus, damn smelly bus people, no offense hehe. it's just that there's no many people in the mission that doesnt know the meaning of showering. it's sad really. okay enough whining. I cant believe that i slept from 7 til 11 yesterday. god i'm a slob. now i'm tired again. nap time.
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