warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," self-referential... ??
Day 57; Saturday
After yesterday's kitchen episode, the house seems to have returned to normal. Draco has reasserted his control over the kitchen, since Snape and Lupin are rather fed up with the idea of cooking these days. The bathroom situation is quiet, but Bedroom Number Two remains a point of some contention: Snape refuses to move as does Black -- Lupin worries that if he himself takes the free bedroom, Bedroom Number Two will turn into a warzone, and blood will flow.
Cut now to the kitchen, where Draco has given up waiting to be served, and is
preparing an omelette for himself.
Draco: ... onions.. need onions... (darts over to refrigerator; searches through vegetable drawer) Good. (inspects) Looks fresh, no less! (returns to counter -- the little bit of counterspace that's still remaining -- and gathers supplies: cutting board, knife - enter Bertie)
Bertie: (mews)
Draco: Cat.
Bertie: (rubs against him)
Draco: Didn't the Dark Lord take you with him??
Bertie: (mews pathetically)
Draco(irritated): For crying out loud.. You'd think the Dark Lord would have better taste in animal companions.. cute, cuddly kittens with misleading names.. it's downright ridiculous.
Bertie: (sits next to him on floor)
Draco: You can't stand there.. I'm trying to cook! There's nothing for you here. (picks up the uncut half onion and holds it down to her; she sniffs and backs up) That's what I thought. Go find someone else to pester.
(the cat wanders out, and Draco continues to chop the onion..... he blinks... sniffles....)
Draco: ... Onion.. brings tears to one's eyes.. (sniffles; tears start rolling down his cheeks; he stands back, blinking them away) ... damn it...
(Enter Sirius Black)
Black: What's cooking? (see Draco crying and holding a knife) Don't start that melodrama now, it's too early for a respectable suicide!
Draco(wipes tears on sleeve): What are you on about, idiot?! I'm chopping up an onion!
Black: Ohhhhh... It's also too early for onions. (grins, walks back out)
Draco: gah (returns to onion)
Meanwhile in the living room, Snape is reading... petulantly. The cat wanders in and jumps on the sofa next to him.
Bertie: meww (rubs against his arm, disturbing book)
Snape: Bertrum. Where's your master?
Bertie: ... mew (begins treading in a circle, pawing at the upholstery)
Snape: Don't sit here.
(cat sits and stretches out an elegant paw)
Snape: I'm not the Dark Lord. My sofa is not your sofa.
Bertie: (purrs)
Snape: (sighs - catches sight of Lupin going by in the hallway) LUPIN!
Lupin(sticks head in): Yes?
Snape: Come take care of this cat.
Lupin(skeptical regard): I think Bertrum is still scared of me.
Snape: I know, that's what I'm referring to.
Lupin: I'm not going to eat the cat, if that's what you want.
Snape: Just scare it off.
Lupin: You can scare a whole classroom of kids but not a cat?
Snape:....
Lupin: worried about the cat hair?
Snape: Why aren't you cooking this morning?
Lupin(smiles): I'm sick of it.
Snape: You realize the cooking is now in the hands of Black and Malfoy.
Lupin: I'm on hunger strike.. (chuckles, continues on way)
Snape: (sits considering a moment; then picks up the cat and drops her onto the floor) You have the entire sun room to yourself now. Go.
(the cat sticks up her tail and runs out)
Back in the kitchen:
Draco: aghh! (paces around, hands to eyes, completely incapacitated by the allergic reaction) bloody onions!
Lupin(strolls in): Hi Draco, how's breakfast?
Draco: NOT COMING - (grabs napkin, blows nose violently)
Lupin(spies onion on counter; its still not finished): Do you need help chopping that onion?
Draco: NO!
Lupin(backs up slightly): I wasn't offering- kitchen's yours!
Draco: of course.. (sniffles; blinks, scowls in pain) oh my eyes!
Lupin(back into hall): Ooooo mine eyes hath seen -
Draco: QUIET!
Lupin: (laughs)
Two hours later - Black and Lupin are trying to watch TV. Suddenly Black speaks, looking at the ceiling philosophically-
Black: Moony.... it's two of them versus the two of us, you realize.
Lupin: It's been that way for a day already.
Black: Yes, but... don't you realize the magnitude of this? Light vs. Dark - Good vs. Evil-
Lupin(chuckles): Well in that case, one of us'll have to win, but I'm afraid it's not so simple.
Black(grin): It's perfect for pranking, though.
Lupin: I don't like the idea of pranking when we have no clear advantage.
Black: What -- we DO have a clear advantage - Moony and Padfoot vs. Snivellus and the baby Malfoy? A Fool-Proof Advantage.
Lupin: That's what I'm worried about...
Black: Sometimes... (shakes head; looks back at the TV - an infomercial is on about "Super Blue Stuff" - a miracle pain relief gel) Is this muggle magic?
Lupin: I suppose...
(they watch in morbid fascination for a few minutes, until Black loses interest again)
Black: Why haven't I eaten yet, Moony?
Lupin: No one's made you food.
Black: Why haven't I made anything?
Lupin: That's what I want to know.
Black: Oh fine (stands, stretching) Sirius Black can cook!
(enter Bertie)
Bertie: mew
Black: oh look, Voldemort forgot his cat.
Bertie: (rubs against him)
Black(pets cat): hah, she's looking for a new mother.
Lupin: Good. You should do it then - no one else will.
Black: Don't you want to? You're good at being the mother figure.
Lupin: Very funny - watch (reaches down to pet cat) Bertrum-
Bertie: ROOAW (runs away in terror)
Black: HAHahahaha! this isn't normal, though-
Lupin: I must have scared her when I was... er..in werewolf form-
Black: Oh! Poor cat.
Lupin: yes, well... that leaves you to be the mother.
Black(grins mischievously): Uh oh....
Around 4 o'clock, Draco heads into the living room with a tray of tea. Snape is still sitting on his sofa reading.
Draco: STILL reading?
Snape(looks up irritably): Apparently.
Draco: what is it then?
Snape: (holds up book -- "Idiot's Guide to Grassblade Whistles")
Draco: ... uh....
Snape: Yes, it's that bad.
Draco: You know.... well (sits on chair beside him) We have to vote tonight.
Snape: I'm voting Black.
Draco: Can't we nominate them both?
Snape: (pauses a moment, calculating) If we all vote properly, we'll all be nominated.
Draco(scowls): I don't want to be nominated - I just WAS nominated.
Snape: Perhaps if you cook dinner tonight, you'll win their favor..
Draco(appalled): Is that BLACKMAIL, Professor Snape?
Snape: Just a suggestion.
Draco: Well... (folds arms) if you vote for Black, then I'll vote for Lupin.
Snape: Fine.
Dinner time:
The kitchen stands unused.
An hour passes.
2000hrs - Bertie wanders into the kitchen, looks in vain for a bowl of water or food, mews pathetically.
2100hrs; the kitchen is still empty, but the den is crowded with Draco, Snape, and Lupin all watching the TV. Big Brother is on.
Draco(disgusted expression): What -- who FINDS these people??
Snape: ... muggles...
Lupin: No (shakes head, eyes glued to TV) .. they can't all be this bad...
TV: And - And I think this is, like, a strategic move to break up the big power alliance that they sort of have, and I think we need to win this golden power of veto and show them that we are not taking their shit -- like - they think they own this house-
Draco: And to think - WE are associated with a similar "big brother"? UNTHINKABLE!
Snape: I shudder.
Lupin(laughs at him): I was actually thinking that this little monologue sounds familiar...
Snape: Don't even...
Draco: What do these people DO all day?? I don't understand -
Snape: Best not to worry about it... (looks at coffee table) Who has the remote?
Lupin: I think we should watch this - we could learn something...
Draco(still on high horse): This - muggles - Disgusting - How canwe possibly be on a Big Brother - my name is BESMIRCHED by very association!
Snape: Draco.....
Draco(gestures defensively at TV): This is disturbing!
2200hrs
Finally life in the kitchen - Sirius Black storms in, addresses the empty room.
Black: WHAT IS GOING ON! We are dying! This is some sort of wizard survival experiment gone horribly wrong!! (stands defiantly before the ruined counter, as if challenging it to repair itself and fix food for him.) Isn't it? I may be reduced to peanut butter and jelly AGAIN!! (shudders, opens refrigerator) And where in the world are those ice cream sandwiches! HELLO WORLD?
Saturday Night Nominations
Black: Snivellus for two, Malfoy for one.
Lupin: Draco for two, Severus for one.
Draco: I nominate Lupin for two, and Black for one point.
Snape: Black. Then Lupin.
------------
A/N: of course they are all up for nomination with three points each. Vote for the one you want to go!