warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," key multisyllabic words worked into story.
Day 59, Monday, The Postmodern Episode.
The sun rises. It's purple.
Around lunchtime, we find Draco in the kitchen again, since he's the only one who eats regular meals now. He has the cookbook before him and is now working on some sort of spinach-cheese dip. Enter Bertrum.
Draco: Don't you have something to do?
Bertie: Meo
Draco(sigh): I can't be bothered with feeding you now. Chopping of the green peppers is a precise art. One cannot have an uneven dispersement of green pepper bits in the dip, or it will upset the proportions of the entire thing! The eating experience will be DISRUPTED!
Bertie: ...
Draco: (sighs, turns to look at the cat, but his sleeve knocks over the bowl of dip and it crashes to the floor - bits of glass and goopy cheese cover the immediate area. Bertie runs) OH!! Now look what you've made me do!! Agh, how am I supposed to clean this up?? Where are the HOUSE ELVES when I need them!!! (storms out of kitchen)
On the way to the hall closet, Draco passes through the den, and notices Sirius Black passed out on the couch. The TV talks to itself in the meantime.
TV: Order NOW! A special low price and receive TWO hair mittens free of charge!
Draco: .. hair whats? (pauses)
TV: Nothing compares to our no fuss hair improvement gel!
Black: zzzzzzz
Draco(at Black): Oh quiet, I'm listening to this special promotional offer.
TV: You'll never need another hair product again!
Draco: (raises eyebrow) I find that highly dubious.
TV: FussAway™ Brand Improvement Gel does it all! No more conditioning, no more
strengthener, no more hair glue! This is the one and all!
Draco(folds arms skeptically) That's not physically possible. At least not in the muggle realm.
TV: BUY NOW!
Draco(picks up remote, turns off TV): No wonder muggles are stupid. They watch too many bad infomercials with conflicting information. Yesterday there was a completely different one on! If they keep listening to this continual discourse, they will start to believe that they actually NEED hair care products! (continues on towards closet)
Black: zzzzzzz...water chestnut...zzzz
Meanwhile, Lupin is continuing the "spring cleaning." Now armed with paper towels and window cleaner, he enters the sun room, and finds Snape reading on Voldemort's old sofa.
Snape(looks up from book): Lupin...
Lupin: Didn't expect to see you here, Severus.. I'm just.. cleaning things up.
Snape: You sense the lack of order in this household... the imminent descent into tribal survivalism worries you - you who are always struggling within yourself to control the wild side.. Now you feel you must exert control over your surroundings.. your only viable avenue is to wipe windows and clean coffee tables obsessively.
Lupin: ... (shrugs, grinning) you got me.
Snape: (smirks)
Lupin: So if you don't mind, I will be cleaning off this coffee table. (starts taking the decorative books and bird houses away)
Snape(tries to read, keeps looking up in irritation): Can't you do that elsewhere?
Lupin: I already cleaned your old haunts. I didn't expect you'd be in the sun room now. Perhaps you too are trying to avoid the "imminent descent into tribal survivalism"?
Snape: .... Perhaps I look forward to it.
Lupin: I won't tell Sirius you said that.
Snape: He would miss the subext anyway. Speaking of text, I am trying to read...
Lupin: You stopped reading to talk to me.
Snape: Don't argue with me, Lupin.
Lupin(sits on sofa opposite him): What better way to exert control than argue with Severus Snape?
Snape(eyes narrow): That's not wise.
Lupin: Arm wrestle?
Snape: Even less wise.
Lupin: (skeptical)
Snape: .....Damn it, Lupin.
Random Scene:
Bertie is sniffing at a bug on the carpet. Cue the Jimi Hendrix (Purple Haze). Bertie looks around confused, ears bent slightly back.
Meanwhile, Draco has found the hall closet, and is now searching through it.
Draco: ah.. what was I looking for again? Oh yes, mop! There's a mess on the kitchen floor. It can't be there.. it attracts bugs and upsets one's feelings of security.. the entire cultural hegemony of the Malfoy kitchen is threatened by there being spinach cheese dip on the floor!! (roots all sorts of sports equipment aside; balls fall off the shelves, and cricket wickets poke at him) What is this.. bloody cricket supplies.. (throws them into the hall)
Back in the den:
Black: zzzzzzz.... kudzu........zzzz
Cut to Sun Room; the arm wrestling match continues - Lupin and Snape are kneeling across from each other at the coffee table, grimacing and scowling in concentration -- no signs of motion, though..
Draco(throwing objects into hall): hey - whats this? (pulls out book; its ancient-looking and the edges are wearing off; he opens it curiously) some artifact from the past - a window in time - a.... (notices its blank) Stupid thing. (throws it into hall) Where is the MOP??? AH HAH! (grabs a handle, pulls - produces MOP!) Voila! This will do. Good. (exits, leaving mess all over the hall)
Meanwhile:
Snape(sweat rolling down forehead): ...gga.....
Lupin(redfaced): ...... difficult.....
As Draco and the mop go through the den, Draco notices that Black is still asleep, but murmuring to himself..
Black: zz... grape..... zzzzz...juice
Draco: All he ever thinks about is food.. You think it would drive him to cook more often... even man in his most desperate condition still maintains his natural laziness.. He is a true Black, I suppose... despite his .. political leanings..(shakes head) a poor reflection of our society.. (continues on)
Black: ....zzz... scoliosis....zzz
As Draco begins cleaning up the mess -- which has now dried itself to the floor - he hears a loud gasp from the sun room. He goes to his doorway, looks out, holding mop defensively..
Draco: Have they started to kill each other already?? Without me??
Sun Room Lupin and Snape are back on their respective sofas, each one panting and glaring at the other..
Lupin: that... shouldn't .. have taken so long.
Snape: No...(wipes sweat off forehead)
Lupin: Other arm?
Snape: You're asking for it...
Meanwhile, Bertrum continues her preternatural struggle with the Jimi Hendrix. She runs from room to room, trying to escape the obnoxious guitar sounds.
Bertie: MEO! Meeeooo (whines)
Den:
Black: zzz.....map..zzzz
FIN