Day 64, Saturday
Lupin wakes up early this morning, goes to the window to watch the birds who are singing. He pulls aside the curtains.
Lupin: What a fine day! (scans front yard) er...... (squints) What happened to the tires? (They are all laid flat, creating a sea of black, except for select portions of the lawn which have been strategically left uncovered.) Looks like a crop circle. Have we had extraterrestrial visitors recently??? I wouldn't be surprised... (yawns - hears sudden yelp from next door) oh no - now what are they doing?? (runs out)
Lupin reaches the door and hears argument; he pauses, peeks in. Black has slipped on the floor, and is now lying in a crumpled heap of sheets beneath his bed. Snape is sitting up in his own bed.
Black: you...........
Snape: I suppose I neglected to mention that I cleaned your side of the room last night.
Black: what - AFTER I was in bed?
Snape: All those roach carcasses needed to be cleaned. It was obvious you weren't going to do it.
Black: Did you WAX the floor?! (runs hand across board)
Snape: ...muggle cleaning agents have their uses, wouldn't you say?
(Lupin, still listening, has to snicker)
Black: Why isn't YOUR half of the room so shiny?
Snape: My half of the room was not crawling with dead roaches, so to speak.
Black: You lure them to MY BED, then you COMPLAIN!
Snape: I'm not complaining. You decided to come back..
Black: ARGH! (suddenly dives at Snape, sheets and all - they both fall back to the floor; struggle ensues; Lupin folds arms) I won't - Take this!
Lupin(steps into room): Have you two learned nothing? The last time you were fighting you both wound up hand cuffed to the bed!!!
(They pause in mid-fight, look at newcomer)
Snape: Lupin... you have a terrible habit of showing up when you're not wanted.
Black: hah - when do you EVER want him around?
Snape: (tries to pull fist out of the tangle of sheets)
Lupin: By the way, which one of you is responsible for the crop circles in the front yard?
(confused pause)
Black: ... crop circles? Does this involve corn? -- Do you know how long it's been since I had decent corn?
Snape: Are you talking about the tires?
Lupin: Yes.
Snape: I was sick of the "postmodern art."
Lupin(brightens): You mean you needed to destroy vestiges of Voldemort's authority?
Black: Dumbledore also built that, you know!
Snape: (extricates self from pile of sheets and Black) Yes, well.. I'll leave you two to analyze it..
Black: Mmm.. corn - do we have any corn? canned corn? popcorn? hominy?
Lupin: Why don't we all go to the kitchen and find out?
Snape: You two can. (grabs towel, stalks out)
Black: He's trying to kill me, Remus.
Lupin: I wonder why!
Black: Oh, don't side with him.
Lupin(grins): Just saying... You shouldn't encourage it.
Black(grins back): I know. I should STOP it.
Breakfast goes without incident, although Black is sad to learn there are no corn products of any sort in the house. After eating, he decides to rearrange the lawn art in the front yard. He strides out the front door, like a boss gearing up to fire some lackey. Once in the yard, he promptly trips over the first tire he meets.
Black: OOM PJH- DAMN IT! (pulls himself up) Snape has booby-trapped the front yard! A wizard can't walk around his own property in peace!! (glares at tires quietly) ....of course, that's exactly why I've come out here.. YOU are to be RE-arranged! (picks up a tire, rolls it across the lawn - watches it in triumph as it knocks into a tree and falls over) Hah! Let's have art constructed on principles of Nature! (picks up another tire, heaves it in the same direction) Where you land, you stay!! (it plops down five feet away from the first tire) GOOD! Ah next, please! (reaches for another tire...)
Living Room - Snape and Lupin are peering out from behind the curtains.
Lupin: What is he doing?
Snape: Other than talking to inanimate objects?
Lupin(off-handedly): Oh well, that's nothing new. You should have heard the conversations he used to have with the staircase banisters in the east wing...
Snape: He's throwing the tires around like a lunatic. That's what he's doing. (they observe Black laughing triumphantly as a tire rolls into and knocks down the garbage can.) He's finally lost it.
Lupin: Funny - you don't sound particularly pleased.
Snape: I was hoping for something more.... tragic.
Lupin: Tragic like... suicide?
Snape: ... something along those lines..
Lupin: He's not the type.
Snape: So I see..
(Black hurls another tire towards the house - he hasn't noticed the window watchers, though)
Lupin: I think perhaps he's just... he disagrees with your conception of lawn art.
Snape: Is that what's causing the behavior? Throwing a temper tantrum about my conception of lawn art?
Lupin: I can't be sure.... (smiles) But he does seem to be having a good time throwing tires around the yard. I'll have to join him. I don't know when I was last involved in "Physical Activity." (goes to door)
Snape: So you also give in to the desire for chaos? - the Thanatos Instinct as some might call it..
Lupin(walking out): No, you are not psychoanalyzing me on the basis of a few misplaced tires! (exit)
Snape(outloud, to self): I'm not surprised, of course.
Snape settles back on the couch to read (still working on "Reference Grammar of the Dutch Language") when Bertrum comes in. She has a dead roach in her mouth, but she is scowling. Snape looks down at her from his book.
Snape: I hope you haven't been eating roaches.
Bertie: (drops roach at his feet)
Snape: You stupid animal.
Bertie: (walks around dazedly; stumbles, falls)
Snape: .... damn it. (grabs cat, hastens to kitchen)
Soon after, Lupin returns from the front yard. He heads to the kitchen to get a drink; wipes sweat off brow..
Lupin: goodness... I don't remember the tires being that heavy...of course.. full moon is getting cl- (stops when he sees Snape at the sink, with the cat in his arms - the cat retching, making little cat noises) What are you doing to that poor animal??
Snape(turns, eyes flashing): Stupid cat has eaten some of our poisoned roaches.
Lupin: oh! Is she all right? (moves closer; the cat hisses at him)
Snape: Get away, you're upsetting it.
Lupin(amused): Ah - all right, I'll let you mother her in peace..
Snape: I'm not mothering... Voldemort would be less than pleased if he knew I killed his favorite cat.
Lupin: But what about the lawn art?
Snape: I told you, that was a Dumbledore production.
Lupin: Oh right... (exit)
Later, after seeing that the cat is well, Snape sneaks out to inspect the damage in the yard. He nearly trips over a tire on the front porch..
Snape: dear- (stumbles) Bloody fools. (observes the tires, which are spread all over the yard in seeming random distribution) Order... must... have..... ORDER! (moves the tire with his foot so that it sits directly in front of the door.) Better. (picks up a nearby tire; sits it on top of the other) Order.... yes....
At 9, Big Brother comes on over the loudspeaker.
BigBrother: ATTENTION, HOUSEMATES - THIS IS BIG BROTHER!
Black(watching TV): What do they want?
BigBrother: This would be nominations day, but since you're all up for nomination already, it's rather pointless.
Snape(from kitchen): As is this announcement...
BigBrother: HOWEVER, If you would like to nominate someone again, just out of spite, the Diary Room is free.
Lupin(reading in sun room): Uh.. Thanks, Big Brother.. I'm sure we'll keep that in mind.
BigBrother: THAT IS ALL.
An hour later, Black sneaks into the Diary Room, looking each way to make sure it's clear.
Black: Hey, audience. I'd just like to tell you that Snape should not win. Because he's a nasty character, as you should have seen by now. So ... er... I'd vote for him, if I were you. (winks, sneaks back out)
Midnight; Snape sweeps into the Diary Room.
Snape: No one should think that I worry about the voting this week.. I'm .. (smirks) amused enough to have made it this far.. However, in the spirit of preserving order, I'd nominate Black again this week if I could. (sweeps out)