"Uh... "
Hermione glared. "We've been running about the school for 15 minutes! Didn't you two infiltrate it in the second year?"
"Well you know -- it's Hogwarts.. I think.. it moves," Harry raised his eyebrows in a weak attempt to look convincing. Hermione did not look at all convinced. "It should be... around here somewhere," Harry gestured aimlessly.
"Hmph. Accio Slytherin common room," muttered Hermione. Nothing. "Of course no one thought to bring a map," she added sarcastically.
"That would be too easy - besides, look at all the.. new things we have discovered - that rug for example," said Harry.
"I don't want to meet that rug ever again," said Ron, shuddering.
"Hey, I think we've figured it out!" said Hermione, "Everytime we stand around and complain, something important happens - look, here come Crabbe and Goyle. We must be close!"
"So much for going to look in the mail room," muttered Harry dejectedly.
"HEY!" Ron strutted up to Crabbe and Goyle, who had stopped at a random portion of bare wall and now were standing half in the secret entrance of the Slytherin common room.
"What's he doing?" whispered Hermione.
" 'sif he knows," answered Harry with a shrug.
Now that Ron had successfully gotten the attention of Goyle and Crabbe, he didn't know what to do with them. He looked at them in their towering dumb heights, and they glared back at him threateningly. "Uh... is M- Draco in - there?" he pointed hesitantly at the wall. An eyebrow on Crabbe's face tilted more downward. "He - He needs to come out.. he needs to - to cast a spell on Hermione because they lost a bet in potions class today!"
"Oh dear," Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Oh, I bet they'll buy that," said Harry, watching with anticipation.
"Yes?" Ron tried to look hopeful.
"Uh," Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other, then they grinned. "Yeah, wait out here," Crabbe said, and they disappeared into the room.
Hermione and Harry joined Ron outside the door, the outlines of which they could now see in the stone wall. "Good going, Ron," said Harry.
"Yeah, you can deal with Malfoy when he comes out," answered Ron.
Soon Malfoy appeared in full blond Slytherin glory - the pale and pointed features, the cultivated expression of ennui, the expensive perfectly-tailored emerald robes, and of course Crabbe and Goyle on either side like oversized bookends. When he folded his arms, he made a point of letting Hermione's potions notebook dangle conspicuously from his right hand. "So, it's the Potter three-some again," he drawled.
"And that's Hermione's notebook!" said Harry, "How'd you get it, Malfoy?"
Crabbe, in a surprise move, decided to speak. "Hey, you didn't say anything about notebooks - this was supposed to be so he could cast a spell on you!"
Malfoy rolled his eyes, "That was just a clever ploy to get me out here so I can magnanimously return the notebook, stupid." He sighed. "Honestly, even I knew that and I'm the dumb evil character."
"I don't know, Malfoy," Harry looked skeptical, "what does that make your friends here?" he tilted his head at Crabbe and Goyle.
"Rocks," Malfoy answered nonchalantly.
"Uh.." Goyle looked concerned.
"I mean rock-hard fortresses of loyalty," Malfoy went on casually.
Hermione frowned and stepped forward. "This is silly - why did you take my notebook? Were you planning to use my notes to pass the test?"
"I took the notebook by mistake," announced Malfoy with his trademarked smirk.
"You made a mistake?" asked Hermione in mock incredulity.
"I was about to add that I found nothing of use in your notebook," he sneered, conveniently ignoring her comment. "At least nothing incriminating," he drew out this last word, "not even doodles or sappy love notes."
"LOVE NOTES! Oh, is that it!? I knew this was some foul plan on part of our author-"
"Shut up, Mudblood." Malfoy tossed the book at Hermione, who was too enraged to move. Luckily, Ron caught it in clinched fist before it hit her. The two of them stood fuming.
"But aren't you going to confess your undying love for her?" asked Harry plaintively.
Malfoy gave his very best teenaged "give me a break" look and turned to go.
But Harry caught him by the shoulder. "What about -for me, Draco?" He raised his eyebrows in hope.
"POTTER!" Malfoy drew his wand threateningly. Crabbe and Goyle looked appropriately more menacing. "I'm too busy being your evil cowardly foil to worry about forming romantic attachments to ANYONE!" he stormed back inside, muttering to himself. "Bloody Gryffindors.. wait until You-Know-Who comes to power.." There was a pause as the door closed and then reopened, as Crabbe's robe had gotten stuck in it.
"Think there's hope for me?" asked Harry. Hermione slapped him as Crabbe slammed the door shut.
"Well! Who'd have thought - Malfoy all along!" said Ron as they lounged triumphantly before the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room. Well, Harry and Ron lounged; Hermione, now in possession of the precious notebook, was studying at a brightly-lit table. Other students, nonplussed at tales of the latest "adventure," ("Ventriloquism - sorry pastime") had retired for the evening.
"I am still fond of the Filch idea," said Harry.
"Yeah, that was good, Hermione," admitted Ron.
"Know what's better?" she replied curtly. "Dandelion paste and emu oil will cure bites from most poisonous insects, provided that the mixture is applied within two hours of the initial bite."
"Good thing I keep emu oil on me at all times," retorted Ron.
"Maybe we should steal the emu oil from Snape's office," suggested Harry, his eyes lighting up at the prospect of another near-death encounter with the potions master.
"I think we should study!" said Hermione. "What's the point in getting my notebook back if we don't?"
"Well, we did fight bravely and courageously...and.. er," Ron trailed off.
"Fearlessly."
"Right."
"I'm sure he wasn't actually planning to give it back to me," Hermione added, obviously not paying attention to the clever wordplay at the fireplace.
"Of course not - he's too evil for that. He's Big Bad Malfoy in training," Ron called back.
"Well," Harry began, "I think all his sneering and boasting is just that - a cover - a thin veneer-"
"Oh bother -here we go again," mumbled Ron.
"Not listening," announced Hermione.
"-a thin veneer for a very soft and sensitive inner Draco - he has to MASK his true self with the Draco that fulfills the expectations of his family and friends. But! in reality, he is planning to overthrow his father and the Dark Lord - he is just waiting for his chance.... and he's also looking for someone who can take care of him, love h-"
"Oh bloody! -- we're having his head checked in the next story, Hermione!" Ron called above Harry's misty-eyed ramblings.
"Yes, and we'll do that first thing, in as straight-forward a manner possible!"