Dear Jack,      I just saw the movie, Hannibal, and I think Dr. Lecter is much scarier that you.  What do you think of that? Dan (Not Afraid of the Ripper) Gerard Dear Dan,       Everyone is entitled to their opinion, even yours truly.  Hmmmmm...let's take a closer look at the facts though.      Dr. Hannibal Lecter                                Jack the Ripper 1. Is a fictional serial killer made            1. Is a real serial killer made            immortal by a series of horror               immortal by a series of      films.                                                      horrific murders. 2. Was portrayed by Anthony Hopkins,  2. Was portrayed as a cold-    a kind-hearted and talented actor.         hearted and talented killer. 3. Ate only the rude.                              3. Ate only the lewd. 4. Helped a FBI special agent,               4. Helped a Scotland Yard    Clarice Starling, to early                          Inspector, Fred Aberline,    advancement.                                          to an early grave. 5. Has no plans to murder you.               5. Is planning to visit you                                                                          soon.

Dear Jack, My psychic friend agrees with my oija board that aliens and the ghost of Elvis are communicating with me through the music of the Partridge Family (played backwards and at half speed).  I’m also convinced that monkeys (chimpanzees, to be precise) are methodically eating my brain late at night.  Anyway, my question for you is will I ever meet the girl of my dreams? Sleepless in Sotonqua Dear Sleepless, If you listen carefully…(cup your ear and really listen)…you can hear, “Doctor Jack report to surgery…Lobotomy…Doctor Jack report to….”

Dear Jack, My dick-head roommate smoked my entire stash, ate all my munchies and then spilled the bong water.  What can I do?  Will you kill him for me? Cheech without Chong Dear Cheech without Chong, Lay off the smoke, dopehead.  Those with clouded minds are easy targets for my children and me.  And remember,  to draw the attention of Jack the Ripper is akin to baiting a crocodile with your manhood.

Dear Jack, there are these funny voices that tell me to do bad things. Sometimes they are my only source of entertainment. Many people dont think its such a good thing, but they're my only friends! Should I get help for this, or just go with it? Son of Spam Dear Son of Spam, Where do you think I get all the ideas for my funny, little games?  My only question for you is how bad are these things the voices tell you to do?  Jack’s rule of thumb is vivisection, mutilation and decapitation are so much fun, they can’t be bad.  However, if the voices compel you to watch Rosie O’Donnell, make purchases from home shopping or listen to boy bands… get immediate psychiatric help, you are diseased.

Dear Jack, What can I do when confronted by inconsiderate drivers on the road? Free-wheelin' Dave Dear Dave, Smile and wave to blighters…and then hold up the severed arm and show them what happened to the last inconsiderate bastard.

Dear Jack, This jerk at the McDonald's drive-through really screws up my order every time I'm there.  I've tried complaining, but it's no use.  What can I do? Honked-Off at Ronald Dear Honked-Off, He works at McDonald's…hasn't he suffered enough?

dear jack got any tips for those of us who think you are God Incarnate? BTW loved the work in england when can we look for more of your stuff? Douglas Dear Old Douglas, Thanks for all the kind words.  God am I ? My English work does get most of the credit, but some of my other adventures…Paris, New Orleans, Cleveland were also great fun and gave old Boss fits.  One tries not to repeat ones self as a true artist.  I think that is how I would like to be remembered, as an artist.  Why, just look at all the pretty pictures I 'painted' in blood and entrails.   Look for my handiwork whenever and where ever you least expect it.  Here's a hint; I don't always use whores as my medium, but they are the easiest to find.

Dear jack, all the kids at school make fun of me because they say i'm weird. No one wants to be my friend, what should i do?

Dear stinky: kill them all, save yourself!...sorry, wrong letter....Dear stinky: embrace your individuality. therin lies the key to your happiness. if that rubbish does not work...kill them all, save yourself!!!

Dear jack, my ex-girlfriend won't leave me alone. I've done all that i can, but she is obsessed. What should i do?

Dear object of affection: your light hearted friend, jack, knows all too well your situation. somtimes the sisters of the fairer sex become fixated on saucy jack, so do what i do...tell her you need proof of her devotion...nothing too big, just major organs...hers, of course. Ha Ha!

Dear jack, i'm the new guy at the office where i work, and i don't fit in. the other guys seem nice enough, but i think they are making fun of me somehow. what can i do to fit in? working-class zero.

Dear zero: they are making fun of you! they know all about your fascination with internet pornography ( especially the " fisting " sites )!!! the only thing you can do is to murder them all. but, do try to kill them in an interesting fashion. heres a hint: canabalism is ALWAYS in vogue in the world of serial killers. old boss hates it when you eats 'em!!!

Dear jack, who are you? i've read every book i could find on you and i still don't know who you are. how can you still be alive after all this time? a whitechapel wannabe.

Dear wannabe: jack is here forever. jack is the shadow from behind a grave and the cold touch of a sharp knife. to give another name to jack is to condemn him to the rancid life of mortals such as yourself. look for me when you walk into a dark room and maybe, just maybe you'll see jacks face just before you learn why im the ripper!

Dear jack, my boyfriend left me because he saw me kiss a male friend of mine at a party. What should i do to get him back? sleepless in morgantown.

Dear sleepless: be thankful that your former boyfriend is the nice sort and has not read my new book, " kill the whore ". leave him alone and maybe he will forgive your indiscretion. but beware, i might find you first. good luck!

Dear Jack, i lost my keys. Can you help me find them?

Dear I lost my keys: Would you ask Mohatma Gandhi how to prepare Fillet Mignon? Would you ask Karl Marx the best way to knit a lace tablecloth? Then whay would you ask Jack The Ripper were your damned keys are? At any rate, the keys of wich you speak, fell out of your pocket and are beside the back steps to your house. go there right now...

Dear Jack, im the subject of unwarented police surveillence. What to do?

Dear suspect: What other kind is there? The only way to handle " old boss " is to give him such fits that he can't buckle you. Leave the fools a few clues to coddle them on the body of your next victim. I even gave scotland yard my address and they chased their own shadows all over London and never got close to Saucy Jacky! HA HA!

Dear Jack, my girlfriend is cheating on me. What should i do?

Dear my girlfriend is cheating: Your light-hearted friend jack feels your deep pain. It is somtimes difficult to do the fit and proper thing when such a harlot has a hold on your heart. Please send your girlfriends name, description and address to me at: Jack T. Ripper, hell, W.VA. 25666.

Dear Jack, i like this girl but i dont know how to tell her. What should i do?

Dear i like this girl: If this girl is the right and proper girl for you then she will let you know by subtle and demure gestures. This may take several years but be patient. If, however, she is a dirty harlot, she will ignore and humiliate you...in wich case, you should cut her throat and carve your initials on her face!

Dear Jack, i lost my job and my boss was an asshole about it. What should i do?

Dear i lost my job: tell old boss off good and proper...then disembowl him and do something funny with his innards. watch for the coppers though, they dont like our little games!