Wednesday, October 14, 1998. 23:25.
Define some words of me. Rock Bottom. Burnt Out. I'm finding out what those words mean once again. Man, these past few days have been killer. I was a sight to see. Crouched on my bed at John's house in the fetal position, trying to think about how the hell I was gonna bring myself out of spiritual hell. I still don't have the answer. I keep on hitting the same wall, with only a few options to grab ahold of, all of them bad. Some of them I have actually taken ahold of in the past week, and I do regret it. The people who state that they care for me, (the ones who have chosen not to abandon me) have been attempting to not let go of their faith in me. You gotta appreciate that. I'm pretty sure I do, although there are many times when isolation and lonelines takes over and doubt enters my mind. That's bad.
Now I'm really gonna rant. Turn back if you detest harshness.
There are some people out there who think they know everythin there is to know in life and believe they have the right to pass judgement on people like me. Well they are dead fucking wrong. They haven't the slightest clue about the real world, and I'm not saying I do, but I am ten times more real than they are, the world the live in is bullshit. Case in point, I live in a trailer with my grandmother, my parents have to live overseas to have financial stability. Pretty much everyone I know has a nice big house, pool, nice car, personal groupies, and all that shit. My parents are weary of my past and present friendships with people like this for they believe the stuck up tendencies will eventually cause me to be abandoned once again. I am extremely grateful for knowing some "real people" and they are the ones who have had their share of shit in life, and they are the ones who I have more in common with and can open up to. I see now that the ones who have passed judgement on me and who did abandon me when I needed them most have yet to experience something like a wake up call. Maybe then they can give me a call. Better yet, they should call people who left them behind.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.

Saturday, October 24, 1998. 15:00
I think I have one of those delayed reaction systems. Lemme 'splain. I got a parking ticket on Tuesday, but I did not even care! Why? Beats the shit outta me. I had a fun couple of days, goin to a friends house after work one night, chillin at the Hollywood with free food on another, but I guess it ended soon after. I was riding an emotional high too long, and it, like most things, died out. Somethin else that gets on my nerves: I have a family member whose health took a nose dive yesterday. He's the richest relative I have, has four houses, two sons, ages 2 and 4, vice pres. of a major industry, great personality, nice as hell, and they don't expect him to live. Is that fair? Hell no! Things like that should not happen to guys like him. Here you got a guy with all that goin for him and he gets stuck with some bad organs. He should be one who sticks around, He is worth something to this world, He has something to live for. I'm pullin for him and hoping for the best. Not much fairness in this world is there? Hopefully he'll get well, I'll find happiness, and all of you out there will get what you want as well.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.

November 1, 1998. 23:45.
Rather fitting that I write this on the day of the dead. Why you ask loyal readers? Fuck, lotsa reasons why. Nothing exists behind my skin. I wonder if I'm just organs and nerves keeping me goin. What is it that makes my fingers type, my hand hold this drink, my eyes look at my reflection. How can I be doing al these things if there is nothing but death inside? The body and soul are constantly at war with each other. My existence is no different. Seems like my soul has died long ago. Maybe I sold it for some cheap pick me up on my way down.
Perhaps.
Maybe I used my energy up looking out for everyone else, all the while forgetting that I have to take care of myself too. I've been helping people my whole life. Always saying, "Whatever you need, just ask" Doctors are psychologically afraid of getting sick because they can not stand being treated as a patient. They know what it is like to have to help people....and to have to help those who are beyond help. Who takes care of the caretaker when the caretaker needs care?
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.

Sunday, November 15, 1998. 23:14.
Guess I should give an update on things. Well, I've at least made an attempt to get better. I want to get better. Others want me to get better. We'll have to see what happens. Lemme give a checklist of my personal traits.
Physical Health: Not bad - 80%. Mental Health: OK - 60%. Self Esteem: Imrpoved, but still low - 40%. Trust in others: Same- 80%. Cynicalness: High as always: 100%.
Some events have changed my life in the past month and a half. I can only learn from them and hopefully use them to better myself.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.