To Die Loveless

by Kagaya

Part 1

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/ I used to be capable of love.  I used to be able to love
someone wholeheartedly, thinking as long as I had them
beside me, I wouldn't need anything else.  I never saw the
need to express my feelings, never thought about what would
happen if one day love left.  I thought things were simple
then, before I realised how much love could hurt me.  I'm a
simple person, really. /

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He sits me down upon the couch in his office, waiting
patiently as I dry my tears.  He is my producer, twelve
years my senior.  He is Hayashi Yoshiki, who maintains he
is most difficult to love, yet to what accord I have no
idea.  He is one of the most appreciated and respected men
I have ever met or heard, admired for his physical beauty,
his intelligence, his diligence and efficiency.  He acts so
gentlemanly, sometimes, I swear he must be insane.

My name is Hara Toshimasa, better known as Toshiya, pretty-
boy bassist of the rock band Dir en Grey.  I’m twenty-three
years old with the reputation as a crazy but beautiful slut.
Certainly not the brightest cookie, but for what I lack in
brains, they say, I make up for in my people skills and good
looks.  I should be proud.  I am popular this way.

But I’m not happy.  Behind the shining lights and the
smiling face, I’m crying.  Now the tears have come surfacing
again.  The reason I’m in Yoshiki’s office has nothing
directly to do with him.  It’s because of me.  I don’t think
he could really spare the time to listen if he wasn’t the
producer of our band.  He needs to know about what’s
happening to us, what’s causing all this chaos and confusion
and my sudden breakdown in the studio today.

"Tell me," he commands softly, handing me another pack of
tissues because I’ve just about wasted mine already.  He
sits beside instead of across from me, inviting me to lean
into his warmth for support.  "Tell me everything, Toshi...
Please."

I take a breath and recollect, dig up my memories, and begin
to tell him how I had brought upon myself all this hurt and
pain.

-

I remember once, I took Die to this neat little coffee shop
around the studio.  It was after a particularly short
practice session.  Kyo, our vocalist, kept falling asleep
and our esteemed leader, Kaoru, was having a bad headache
because of him.  Shinya stayed because our producer,
Yoshiki, mentioned he needed more work on his drums.  Die
and I left our guitars in the trunk of my car at the parking
lot and we walked out of the studio premises on foot.

We had been sitting outside for some time enjoying each
other’s company and a good cup of hot coffee each.  Of
course, I asked him to come because there was something on
my mind that I wanted to tell someone.  It wouldn’t bother
me once I let it out.

"I’ve finally told him," I said simply.  Die knew who I was
talking about.  "He told me he was flattered that someone
like me would say that I like him, but he only sees me as a
good friend and band mate - a younger brother at most...  He
reassured me I’m a very interesting person...  It’s only
that he’s not interested."

When Die still didn’t comment, I turned to him.

"... Kaorukun... rejected you..." Die said under his breath.

"Aah."  I looked down at my cup, savouring the warmth it
lent my hands.  Heat never stays in them; the second law of
thermodynamics: my hands always grow cold.

"He said I seem to be someone who requires a lot of looking
after."  Somehow, I knew Kaoru would turn me down.  He liked
Kyo after all, though Kyo was in love with Die.  I was just
grateful he had turned me down so gently.  "He doesn’t feel
he’s the one to do so."

Then Die finally told me Kaoru had recently begun a
relationship with Kyo.  I glared at him and he flushed,
looking away embarrassedly.

"Kyokun was growing impatient with him.  I was only
pretending to be with the warumono to push Kaorukun into
confessing his feelings..."

I felt like an idiot.  If I had known Kyo also returned
Kaoru’s feelings, I would never have allowed my crush to
grow.  Yet, Die knew I had feelings for Kaoru.  He had
known.

"How do you feel about this?"

"...Upset, I guess, and a little lost."  I watch the cream
swirling into the coffee, idly wondering why things wouldn’t
stir apart.  "I’m confused as to why I am not hurt by his
rejection..."  It hurt to know that I had been lied to
though.  Die had been there, watching and listening as my
affections towards the other guitarist grew, yet never once
thought to mention to me those feelings could never be
returned.

"I should be upset he chose Kyokun, ne?  But I’m not.  I’m
actually happy for them."  They looked like they were meant
for each other in the first place.  A thought suddenly came
to me, a little revelation in my head.  "I’m actually
relieved he turned me down..."

"Then, what are you upset about?"

I was suddenly aware that he was watching for my reactions
again, listening intently, just asking questions while I
wasn’t even paying attention to him.  Anger and guilt at
once settled over me.  I didn’t look up as I replied.

"I think I’ve confused a brother’s affection, Diekun,
...with love."

-

I stop talking.  This doesn’t have anything to do with our
band.  The problem is I need a counsellor, someone who will
listen and Yoshiki’s listening.  I want to open to him.  I
want him to understand.  It doesn’t matter to him the band
members are practically all gay.  We don’t have much choice
in the media; you’re either single for life or you risk
potential girlfriends hounded down by the paparazzi, come
what may.

Yoshiki understands this.  He used to be in a band, the
legendary X-Japan, with four other talented members.
Everything seemed centred around him.  He was the middle of
the cross that seemed to hold each of the diverse forces
together.  Somewhere along the way - life, death, love and
hate, power struggles - he lost control.

I think that’s why he’s trying so hard now to make things
work out right.  No body’s perfect though - especially me.

"What the heck is love?" I ask, disregarding the fact ours
is only a professional relationship.  I honour him as I
honour any other around me.  Hierarchy makes no difference
to how proper or inapt my question really is.

He chuckles, mostly to himself, honestly thinking about what
I’m saying.  "I used to think I knew."  It’s good to know he
isn’t judging me.

Neither of us says anything.  I’ve stopped crying.  I feel
warm.  He looks to me after a moment, "Is there more?"

Unfortunately, "Aah, there’s more."

-

Die and I sat together in companionable silence as the world
around us rushed past.

"Toshi..."  I was beginning to long for something to break
the peace.

"... Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

I stared at the empty cup, my peace broken by utter shock.

"I thought... maybe... if you’re upset over Kaorukun... I
could help you forget..."

I knew he wasn’t really asking out of friendship or pity.  I
know because I’ve always felt he had feelings for me.  I was
so glad when he had told me that he was in love with Kyo,
yet... I never failed to remind him constantly: I like him;
I just didn’t want him as my boyfriend.

I must have led him on somehow, or he’s finally realised.
Until then, he never admits his feelings, even to himself.

"Die... what are you asking?"  He was hiding again, using
Kaoru as an excuse not to give me a confession.  "I told you
I’m not upset over Kaorukun."

And how could I trust Die, who had fooled us all so easily
fringing blind love for Kyo?  He was placing all
accountability and power upon me.  If I agreed to use him as
a launch pad now, he would not be the least bit responsible
for anything later.

"You’re saying no..."

"I’m saying no."

He asked me why, but I couldn’t really tell him.  If I had
agreed, I knew guilt would bind me to him - not love.  I
knew we would both become hurt and there would be no one to
blame but the two of us when we break up.  I could neither
bear the thought of losing Die as a close friend, nor
continue trusting him again with all my heart.

The silence which grew between us felt so awkward I finally
laughed.  "Why would you want to be with someone like me
anyway?  You deserve better!"  He deserved someone who’d
love him back - everyone did - not a fool like me, who
didn’t even know what was real love.

I asked Die to come out with me because I didn’t want to be
alone.  I wanted to talk to a friend who understood in order
to understand.  It came as a surprise when he asked me to be
his boyfriend again the next day.  He said he’d give me a
second chance.  Amazed at the size of his ego, I turned him
down flat.  He complained I didn’t even think about my
answer.  I did.  But soon I stopped.  He kept it up for the
rest of the week, I think, and it was becoming annoying.  I
remember the day he finally stopped asking.

That day, he said, "I’m giving you one last chance to
reconsider."

"Good," I replied.  "This better be the last time, because
yesterday you said you wouldn’t ask again."  I think I hurt
his pride.  I thought relationships were simple then.
Better to choose the lesser of two evils instead of letting
trial and error ruin our friendship as it stands.  But I was
so na?ve.  I probably still am.

Another surprise I found later on, was that my attention
shifted from guitars to drums - the drummer to be more
precise.  I was beginning to have a thing for Shinya, who
didn’t even give us the time of day for anything outside of
the band.  Die and I used to tease him for his cool reserve.
I don’t know.  It’s ironic.  Perhaps I was attracted simply
because I knew he couldn’t possibly confuse me, because he
didn’t love me back.

Shinya looked up from his drum set with a shy expectancy
when I opened the door.  The light in his eyes dulled when
he saw me, but I wasn’t about to let a minor disappointment
ruin my day.  I had more serious things to worry about.

Kaoru was still acting distant about a month or two after my
foolish declaration.  When I greeted them all and our eyes
met, he tensed visibly and forced a smile.  Die once
commented, ‘Since when did you start treating Toshiya like
fragile glass?’  Kyo, who just woke from his sleep, quirked
one eye open, gracing us all with a long, scary, inscrutable
look.

Glancing quickly around the studio, I noted Die was the only
one still missing.  Shinya had returned to reading his
magazine, an article on Yoshiki, I think and Kyo looked as
though he was asleep with his head resting on his arms
against the table.  I dropped my bag and jacket on the couch
before approached Kaoru, hoping there was enough time for us
to talk before practice.

"Kaorukun," I stopped before him, hands empty at my sides,
relaxed and half-open.  "I want a word with you."

He looked at me silently for a moment, nodded and stood.
Throwing Kyo a fleeting look, he led me out in the corridor
once more.  "... What do you want to talk about?"

"What I said last time..."  I don’t know if it was concern
or fear upon his face, or both.  "Don’t worry about it
anymore.  I still like you... as a brother and friend.  Only
I mistook those feelings for love.  I didn’t mean to upset
you."

I think I had said the right thing.  Relief washed over him
and the timing couldn’t be better.  Die had suddenly
appeared around the corner and he ran over when he saw us.
There was a curious but amused expression on his face.

"Ah!  Gomen!  What are you two out here for?  Has everyone
else arrived yet?"

Kaoru sighed.  "Come on.  They’re all waiting for you to
start."  He reached for the door knob and twisted, looking
back over his shoulder at me and smiling at the last moment.

"Thank you."

Die nudged me on the arm as we walked through the door.
"Maa... What were you two on about?"  He tried to keep his
voice down, but Kaoru still heard.

"Don’t be nosy, Diekun."

He looked to me for an answer but I raised a finger to my
lips and winked.  "Sore ga himitsu desu!"  Seeing that
jealous pout, I laughed.

Shinya coughed loudly and put away the magazine.  Kyo woke
up.  Those two just eyed us with respectively mild and fully
annoyed glares.

-

The producer tries to stifle his laugh in a cough, but
anyone can see he’s smiling underneath.  His smile grows
infectious and I find my self-righteousness trying to fight
it off, but being one with such a weak sense of
determination, I inevitably lost.

"Yoshikisan," I can’t seem to stop myself as I start to
grin.  "It wasn’t very funny at the time!"

"At the time," he echoes.  He looks away to regain his
composure, schooling his face back into a humourless mask.
The corner of his mouth twitches when he turns back.  I know
I’m pouting, but the story does seem sort of pathetic.  What
else can I do but laugh?

"Like children...  We’re like children."  He glances at his
watch.  "I have a feeling you’re not finished, but I better
send you back so they can start practice."  He stands up.

"Aah..." I answer playfully.  "Yoshikisan must have more
important things to attend to than listening to my foolish
whining."

"Don’t say that.  Please."  I turn back hesitantly before I
reach the door.  "You’re not as foolish as you make yourself
out to be."  He smiled slightly, "You’re just lost like the
rest of us, looking for a bit of direction."

Tears threaten to spill again.  "No one’s ever said that to
me."

"It’s true.  ...Come back and see me after practice.  I want
to listen to the rest."


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to be continued...

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