Of Pine and Sakura Trees

by Lilianne

***

Part 1

A smile danced on his lips as he flipped through the leaves of the purple scrapbook, and his fingers fondly touched the personal mementos painstakingly pasted upon every page.

 There was the piece of scratch paper with a phone number carelessly scrawled on it.

His first "letter" to me. 

Then there was that gum wrapper.

The first gum we shared...hehehe!

Yep...and that soon led to an intense make-out session inside a bathroom cubicle. Too bad they were caught by Yoshiki --- not even enough time for a quickie.

Our first photo together --- right after we made love...

The blue-haired man giggled as he remembered that day...there was that giddy feeling again. Kaoru had taken him for a drive at the countryside on his newly-acquired Harley right after band practice. Of course, Toshiya wound his arms around his lover's waist oh-so-lovingly, whispering obscene words as he licked Kaoru's ear. Needless to say, they had to stop at the nearby bushes --- re-creating a voyeur's porn dream.

Satiated yet disheveled, Toshiya spotted a lone tourist with a Polaroid camera and persuaded him to take their picture, hugging in their rumpled suits. He treasured it ever since. 

A pressed rose stood out in its lone space.

The first time he said 'I love you' to me...

Toshiya gazed lovingly at the flower, recalling that beautiful afternoon, the beginning of a more intimate relationship.

" I will love you forever...", a promise sealed with a kiss and a rose.

***

I couldn't wait to get home, eat a warm dinner and soak in a hot tub...with Kaoru in it.

The bassist giggled as he continued on his train of thoughts, causing the other band members to cast weird followed by knowing looks at him.

"Ready for the night, Totchi?", Die winked at him. Kyo and Shinya just rolled their eyes at the wicked grin of their blue-haired band member.

Kaoru just stood there solemnly, blindly following as his lover dragged him home.

He must really be tired tonight. He barely said a word, then again, this IS Kaoru. But he's never this silent...

Toshiya turned the key and rushed in to slump down on the couch. The other dragged himself wearily to the kitchen, looking for something to eat. The bassist followed, famished.

The two ate, Totchi idly babbling about anything, while the guitarist just nodded and smiled occasionally.

"Ahhh...that was good. I'm gonna bathe," smiling slyly, Toshiya added, "Wanna join me in the tub?"

Kaoru walked slowly to the other, caressing his cheeks. "Sorry, Totchi. Not tonight, I'm really tired, that okay with you?"

The bassist just smiled and nodded, trying to keep his disappointment.

It's not his fault, it really was a tiring day.

And he padded down to the bathroom, all the while trying to keep himself from wishing that his lover was there with him.

***

The next few days or weeks, even, weren't any better. Maybe it was just his imagination but he and Kaoru seemed distant lately. They had exchanged nothing more than a few words, maybe some hugs and a few pecks on the cheek. What's more, the pink-haired leader looked awfully worn.

Sure he could still catch the eye of any bypasser, with his sexy bod snug in tight-fitting leather, who wouldn't? But there was just something in his eyes, his manner that goes past exhaustion, and Toshiya didn't fail to notice that. Of course he constantly asked his boyfriend about it, but the latter just waves his hand and smiles. 'It's nothing.' He says. 'I'm just tired'. He says.

Yeah, right. As if I'd believe that.

The bassist was snapped out of his reverie when he heard a muffled sigh. He peeked inside the studio and there he saw Die...and Kaoru.

"You have to tell him!", Die whispered aloud grasping Kaoru's shoulders to face him.

Him? Him who? Tell him what?

"I-I can't..."

"Look, I know it's hard, but it's unfair to him!"

Toshiya gritted his teeth and his fists clenched. Just what was going on? Who is this 'him' that they're talking about?

"Please, Kaoru. You owe him the truth. It will be more painful later on."

The pink-haired man's shoulders slumped in defeat, and buried his head in his hands. The redhead patted the other's back and squeezed his hand in encouragement. Toshiya quickly scooted away from view as Die stood up towards the door.

As soon as the hallway was clear, the blue-haired man ran out of the door, ignoring the raindrops, oblivious of the liquid streaming down of his cheeks. Recent memories haunted him. Kaoru almost shunning his presence, the silence that lately hovered between them...

How he had wanted to burst in there and ask what was going on! How had he wanted to ask who was this 'he' that they're talking about. But he didn't...because maybe it was all about HIM --- Hara Toshimasa.

***

Stop it, Toshiya. He's not leaving you. Stop fooling yourself, of course he's leaving you. Why? I don't know.

The blue-haired bassist paced back and forth in his living room, heart thudding wildly.

[Please, Kaoru. You owe him the truth. It would be more painful later on.]

Those words chanted themselves repeatedly in his mind, like a cruel mantra threatening to drive him to the brink of insanity.

You're not even sure if they're talking about you, you idiot!

There was still a flicker of hope left in his system, a miniscule optimism that could be easily devoured by his wild imaginations.

Kaoru telling him that he doesn't love him anymore. Rejection.

He couldn't stand it anymore. He had to ask him, even if it meant losing his love and his life. He had to know.

Then the doorbell rang.

"Totchi?"

Kaoru.

He tried to smile as he welcomed his lover home.

"Toshiya, can we talk?"

The blue-haired bassist froze. This was it. He took a deep breath and nodded, preparing himself for the worst. He trembled slightly.

The pink-haired man had a sad look on his face, and as they sat on the couch, the guitarist took Toshiya's hand and stroked it softly. Totchi bowed down and closed his eyes, fingers unconsciously tightening their hold on the other's hand.

"You know sometimes, people change. Feelings change. No one is necessarily at fault, but these changes occur."

Toshiya drew in a sharp intake of breath and bit his lip. He almost knew what was coming next.

Please please please....I won't break down. I won't break down. Kaoru...I love you so much.

His mind was a muddle. He promised himself that he would maintain his dignity and it would all be well. They will work it out. It has always been like this, hasn't it? They're supposed to have a happy ending. At one snap, he'll realize how ridiculous it all sounds and then he'll apologize. They'll kiss and make up, right?

Kaoru closed his eyes for a moment, trying to stop his tears from falling, to no avail. Toshiya looked up and found his lover, trembling in tears.

"Y-you did nothing wrong, Toshiya. I just w-want you to know that. I-I'm so sorry, Toshiya. I don't want to hurt you, b-but I don't know if I....love you anymore."

Nothing could have prepared him for the feeling he had felt as Kaoru said those words. It hurt, God, it hurt! His heart was being squeezed, and he almost felt life being drained out of him. He bit his lips, a coppery taste tingling his tongue, but he didn't notice. Everything was a blur, and all he could hear was the other's sobbing as his lover's dreaded words echoed in his mind a thousand times. He could no longer feel the band leader hugging him, nor could he hear the countless whispers of 'I'm sorry'. It seemed that the whole world came crashing down upon him. He couldn't speak, no words came out of his mouth despite the myriad of thoughts in his head.

You're joking, right? Kaoru! Tell me you're joking! Dammit! Where's our happy ending? I just found you and you're leaving me? Kaoru! What are you saying? You told me that you'll love me forever. You promised! Don't you remember?

Kaoru tipped his chin up, wiping away unshed tears and the blood from the bassist's lips, kissing him on the forehead for the last time. He stood up and walked towards the door.

"I-I guess this is goodbye, Toshiya. I...I'm sorry."

As the door closed with a soft click, a figure with blue-hair sat alone in the dimly illuminated living room, tears freely falling and streaming down his face.

BREAK IT TO ME GENTLY

Angela Bofill(D. Frank/D. James)

Did you think that your smile

Could hide what's on your mind?

No matter how I tried

I just couldn't be so blind

We've been close but people grow,

And they sometimes grow apartT

here's just one thing I ask you

If you've had a change of heart…

CHORUS:

(And)Break it to me gently,

f ya have to, then tell me lies

Break it to me gently,

At least leave me with my pride

Try to spare my feelingsI

f the feelings have to die

Break it to me gently,

If you have to say goodbye

I'm not ashamed to admit

I really hurt inside

After all these are my feelings,

Why should I make them hide?

But I won't hold you back,T

here'll be no pulling on your sleeve

Just let me down easy,

And go softly when you leave…

CHORUS

You always knew that you had my heart

It's still yours, if you wanna take it

But when you go, as I know you must,

Be gentle with your breaking

CHORUS

to be continued

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