by Miss J

I couldn’t believe my own eyes….she really made me cry, not just an ordinary cry, a really pathetic cry. From the psychical test that she gave me, she can guessed that I have a lot of problems, and that I think too much so it caused me depressed. And when she tried to asked about what my problem is, well, my eyes just betrayed me, tears fell down and I started sobbing and sobbing. She tried to calmed me down, but I couldn’t stop crying.

"Kaoru-san, just take a deep breath….try to control yourself! I know what you feel…. sometimes you feel so lonely, and you think nobody care about you right??"

I just couldn’t control of my self….she guessed it right! I nodded, I’m alone….and nobody care about me.

"You can cry if you want to…I can’t and I don’t have a right to stop you from crying. But…I am here to help you, remember that okay??"

"…."

"Listen Kaoru-san, you’re in the depressed situation, and you know why??"

I couldn’t say anything.

"You keep your problems and anger to yourself, you never showed any feelings when you’re mad. You just keep quiet and tell yourself to calm."

Well…she’s right. I never showed any of my feelings towards the other. I just kept myself calm whenever one of my band members made me mad. I’m their leader, I must show them the perfect figure of a leader, I couldn’t yell at them and tell them to shut the hell up, ….although I often think about it….but I couldn’t.

"You must stop doing that to yourself! That can only make you feel more suffer than ever! You’re in the border line now….sometimes you think that your life is worthless, don’t you??"

That question really shocked me, I can only took a glace on my left writs. Covered with bandages. How many times that I tried to cut it?? I couldn’t count …..the only thing that I can do to release my pain…is to cut it, over and over again. I don’t know since when did I start this, but…that’s a bad habit that I always do. And I remember the last time when I couldn’t help it anymore, I ran to the bathroom, and cut it, without realising I cut it too deep so the blood rushed out and I just fainted. The first thing I heard when I opened my eyes slowly, is his voice, it was full of shock…..kept calling and calling my name. It’s just a pity, he didn’t even care. He never care. How could a man so beautiful and perfect like him care about a someone like me. I’m just pathetic, I wish he never found me there at all, so I just can passed away….

Like she could read my mind she said, "You are wrong! Look at you….you’re still young!! Don’t be such a short-minded person!! You still got many years to come, and to live for!!"

For the first time, I actually spoke full angriness "You don’t know nothing about me….stop telling me what to do!!! I can do anything and I mean ANYTHING I….."

It happened suddenly, she gave me a slap that burnt on my cheek. Then she just hugged me. I cried on her shoulder…sobbed….

"Shhh…..calm down…..control your emotion!! I know you can’t stand it anymore, you’ve been trying to control your emotion all these times, and you want to break free."

Still sobbing like crazy I just said, "I can’t stand being alone anymore doc, when I was a kid, my parents seemed to care nothing about me, I never know how it feels to be loved, to be cared by someone….I was always the one who’s being left alone."

Rocking me and caressing me like I’m a kid she confessed me that I’m not alone, that I got all my friends that care about me, and worry about me.

"No…." I tried to released myself from her, "They don’t care anything about me. They just acted like they care…but they don’t!! I don’t need pity from them….especially from him!! I’m just their leader…that’s all that matters to them!! They can’t made it if there’s no leader!!"

"What you think is wrong Kaoru-san! You just thought of that because you never realised what they feel about you! They didn’t say anything because they afraid to hurt you, You’re about to break soon, and they were afraid of that. You should try to be more open…"

"NOO….that’s a lie…" I tried to denied everything what I heard from her "You’re a LIAR!!!"

and I feel like something inside of me was trying to break free….I screamed….screamed like I’m going all insane…..yes….that’s true I’m insane….and I think nobody would even give a damn about that!!

I didn’t hear the door burst open, and somebody just rushed in, called my name….

"Kaoru…..Kaoru……doc, what happened to him???"

His beautiful eyes are full of tears….fake tears!!!

"Toshiya-san….he’s in a critical condition….I shouldn’t tell you this….but it seems that Kaoru-san is in a down situation…..he keeps thinking that nobody cares about him, and keeps blocking his feelings…."

I can feel his slender arms circled me…embraced me…"Don’t cry for me…..don’t show me your fake tears….."

And for the second time that day…I received another slap on my other cheek.

I heard that he asked the doctor to leave the two of us alone.

"Why you keep thinking that Kaoru??? Why???" he said looking straight into my eyes.

"….no…bo…dy….care…."

He griped my shoulder painfully "STOP IT already!!! I CARE!!!" and then he hugged me. I tried to let go, but he won’t allowed me. He just held me tight, "I care…..you’re just too blind to notice it…."

________

I can’t let him suffer…..he had suffer enough. The doctor told me everything, then she asked me if I can help her to help Kaoru. OF COURSE!!! I would do everything for him!!

I moved in to his apartment, so I can take care and watch for him 24-7. Well, actually this is by the doctor suggestion, but I did it…..it’s been one month already, but he’s still the same….no sign of life in his eyes, he just stared blankly to the air. And if I asked him something, he just gave me short answer, sometimes no answer at all.

Because of his condition, the band didn’t go well. So many recordings was cancelled, photo shoots, and many many more.

The first time Yoshiki-san knew about this, he was all mad. Why couldn’t he just understand, Kaoru is in his weakest point right now, he can’t do anything in a condition like this. Hell, the man can’t even think.

**

"Tadaima!!"

I put the grocery bags aside, and I took a seat on the couch. Then I remembered something, I had to take Kaoru to the psychiatrist for the weekly check-up. I knocked his door, then I entered his room. It was dark as usual, but I noticed something different. Kaoru sit on his bed, and he smiled….although the room was dark, I could see it. He was smiling…

But then I also noticed, that he’d been crying too.

"What’s the matter Kaoru??"

I was really shocked, when he suddenly hug me.

"To…shiya…."

I was really happy, for the first time after the last incident he called my name. I didn’t know what to do….

**

"He’s recovering quite well now" the doctor said.

"But….is he still in his depressed condition???"

"I’m not sure about that Toshiya-san, but I think he’s getting better now!" she smiled, while looking at me and tapped my shoulder.

"Thank you very much doctor!!"

With those last words, I leaved the room. Kaoru was standing there, again, he smiled. The same smile I saw earlier that day. All I can do was smiled back. So I took his hand, and walked to the parking lot.

"You look so happy today!!" I said while driving the car.

He nodded. He still had that smile on his face, he looked so innocent. I just couldn’t think….that this person next to me nearly killed himself……that he was once in a real serious nervoust breakdown situation.

I held his hand in mine, "You my friend…are going to be alright soon!"

To my surprised, he held back my hand. He brushed his fingers to my hand. I felt like my face was getting hot, so I released and tried to concentrate on the road.

"Ouch…"damn!! I’m soooo stupid!!! How come I didn’t realise, I cut my fingers!! Well, I was trying to cooked something special to celebrate. But I could end up ruining everything. Then, someone took my injured finger. I looked back in shocked…

"Kao…."I was more that surprised when he lick the blood away and washed my hand with the clean water from the sink.

"You should be more careful Totchi!!"

Silenced….was I hallucinating??

"Totchi…can I ask you something???"

He’s getting closer….I didn’t know what to do…..all the thing I could do is blushed some more. But this time, I couldn’t hide it away. I tried to look the other way….

"Why did you blush???"

"Anoo….err….."

"You’re so cute nee when you ‘re blushing!!"

What?? Was he trying to make fun of me???

"I remember your last words Totchi….You said that you cared about me!"

Whoaaa…..I backed away….he remember???

"Did you mean it??? I was afraid you said it just to calmed me down."

All I could do was hug him, then I started crying. He wiped the tears away from my eyes.

"No…don’t cry!!"

Without realising what I did, I kissed his cheek. But then I regretted it. I shouldn’t do it! What if he’ll think I’m nuts. I didn’t even know whether he had feelings for me. I looked down to the ground underneath me.

"Sorry…I was….errr….way to exited! Gomen nee!!"

"No….don’t apologize!! It’s okay!!" he said with his fingers still on my chin, then lifted my face so that I was face to face with him.

I didn’t know what to say next, so I just said what I had to say, "Nee, Kaoru…I’m making a special food for you right now, what about if you….." He silenced me, and shaked his head.

"No…you don’t have to cook now!"

"But I’ve already made the….."

"Shhh….we need to talk about something more important than that!"

So he left me standing alone in the kitchen. And the only thing I did was trailed him. He sat on the couch, and asked me to sit next to him.

"Did you mean what you said to me Totchi???"

"…."

"Do you really care about me??"

Of course!!!! Didn’t you even realise it? What do you think I did all of this for….I love you!!

"I’m sorry for yelling at you back then Totchi! I thought nobody cared about me and my existence….so….I was short minded…"

I hug him again [Miss J : Oooo…so many hugging scenes nee!! ^_^ how romantic!!]

"It’s alright Kaoru….don’t worry about it! I understand it!"

It was all silence again…and then, "Can I kiss you Totchi??"

That hit me…I never thought he would ever ask that. My heart was screaming to say yes…and of course I couldn’t betray my own feelings for him.

As if realised my answered, even though I didn’t say a word…he gave me a kiss.

I was soft and gently at the first time….then he slowly nibbled and licked my lips, begging me to open my lips. So I did it, I parted my lips and letting his tongue explored inside my mouth. Our tongue met and played with each other. I wrapped my arms around his neck…as our kiss was getting deeper…more deeper…and longer.

We didn’t do anything else, we just kissed.

It was the kiss from him that I would never forget….ever…

 __________

End!!

*shows a BIG white flag, with "Thanks for reading" written over it*