MASK

by nezu

comments: I wrote that after failing my exam ( driving license ^^; ),

so excuse me if there are slight emotion troubles in there, nee? I was

really pissed off with myself that day and I needed to write something,

so I did. ~_~;; GOMEN NASAI! Although I'd like to thank VM and yk2-chan

again for being so nice to me! *luvya*

ummmm......this one is only toshiya and kaoru, but next part will be

with some die and shin-chan in it I guess. ^___^/ so enjoy!

Part 5 ~ migi me - hidari me - migi te - hidari te - migi ashi - hidari

ashi - "kubi" ~

Okay, so now it was clear. And what? What did he care? After all he had

a lover, hadn't he? The blue-haired man sighed. Yes, he had a new

lover, but....he didn't love him. It was just for fun. And, he admitted, he

wanted to make Kaoru jealous. Alright, it HAD been childish, but he had

hoped......he had really thought, that maybe, MAYBE it wasn't all lost.

Now he knew better. Kaoru hated him. And that’s for sure. Toshiya's heart

felt as if a knife had cut it in two halves. Pain.

What should he do now? Avoid Kaoru?

Would that actually work out? He knew he couldn't stand the thought of

not seeing Kaoru again. The purple-headed man was his light, his

everything. He couldn't...he simply couldn't leave him alone. But, Kaoru had

said such cruel things......didn't the other man know how much it

hurt him?

Toshiya curled deeper into his bed-sheets, trying to escape his pain by

closing his eyes tightly. But it didn't work. He couldn't sleep. His

thoughts wandered off again. Always playing the same little scene in his

head as suddenly tears streamed down his face. Again.

Kyo, had left him alone, some time ago to wake Die and Shinya after

taking a shower, all the while giggling like a girl and imagining the two

in his bed curled up and looking like a couple. Disappointed he came

back now, mumbling something like, "Idiot's, fools......there they get a

chance and what do they do?"

"What's wrong Kyo-kun?", Toshiya asked.

"AH! There they get the chance to FINALLY make out, and what do they

DO? NOTHING! Absolutely N O T H I N G!", Kyo answered, plopping down

beside his friend and sighing desperately. "Do you get that Toshi-chan? I

surely don’t!"

"Maybe they are too shy, you know Shinya!", Toshiya said and turned to

look at the vocalist, sniffing slightly. "I'm sure they'll work it out,

after all it's DIE and SHINYA.....they are both stubborn and what they

want they get!"

"You are right Toshi-kun....you are right.", Kyo admitted and laughed

quietly to himself. "You know they really look cute together, strange

ne?"

Toshiya nodded, smiling a little. Yes, it was true. Shinya and Die,

that was strange but it seemed so right to him. If they just could get

together. Like him and Kaoru..... His face darkened. Never they could be

together, never.

"Toshi.......", Kyo whispered, seeing his friend's pained face. "You

really like him, do you?"

"...."

The blond man understood. "Just get up and make yourself clean, you'll

feel a lot better then, promise!"

"I will.......soon.", the bassist said and tried to smile. "Thank

you.....Kyo!"

"You're welcome!", Kyo stood up again and vanished in the door, closing

it softly behind him.

Toshiya sighed and let his eyes wander. His gaze focused onto the

mirror and as if he were hypnotised he stared at the picture he made.

Worn out and puffy red eyes, making him cringe. He really looked like

shit. That, he must change, soon! Determined he pushed himself up and made

his way over to the bathroom. There was NO WAY Kaoru would see him like

that ever!

The reason of Toshiya's misery, meanwhile, was together with Die on his

way to Kyo's and Toshiya's apartment. Die had managed to force him into

apologising and making things clear with Toshiya, but Kaoru doubted it was

only because of the bassist. He was sure Die mainly thought about a

certain drummer, who would hopefully believe Kaoru that he was mistaken

and Die and Toshiya hadn't been lovers, although his friend didn't say

anything like that.

What was he going to tell Toshiya? That he didn't meant it? That he was

sorry? The bassist would SURELY believe that, Kaoru thought sarcastically.

His cruel sentences he couldn't make gone. He felt hopeless. Never would

Toshiya believe him, never.

"Geez, Kaoru-kun, don't make such a sour face! You know you NEED to

apologise, otherwise Toshiya will NEVER feel something more for you! AND, not

forgetting that it would affect the band if you don’t, nee?", Die

said, climbing the stairs to Kyo's apartment. And Toshiya's, as well, of

course.

"Yeah, yeah....I WILL apologise, just shut up!", Kaoru hissed a little

angry.

Finally they reached the apartment door and knocked. A few second later

it was opened and shut again. Perplexed they stared at each other,

before Die knocked again. "Kyo?"

"Go away.....just go away....!", it came muffled through the door.

Kaoru gasped. Toshiya?

"Please, Toshiya open the door! It's important!", Die tried.

"....."

No one answered, but slowly the door opened a few inches. Gladly Die

pushed the door really open and dragged Kaoru behind him into the apaato.

They stepped out of their shoes and followed Toshiya in the living

room. Kaoru's eyes never leaving the bassist pretty form, clad into black

shorts and a blue shirt. He must have showered not long ago, because his

hair was all wet and shiny. But, Kaoru noticed, he was pale and his

eyes seemed somehow dull. Could it be that he was still hurt? Finally

Toshiya gestured them to sit down and plopped himself down besides Kyo, who

was watching them with big eyes and a little frown. Shinya too, sat

there. Unmoving.

Die shot him a glance and sat into a chair, far away from the drummer,

the purple-head beside him.

"So, what brought you here Kaoru-san?", Toshiya asked uncaringly. "Just

spill it out!"

Kaoru nodded uncomfortably. "I'm....I'm here to say I'm sorry Toshiya.

I...I didn't mean what I said.....really! I was just....angry...and,

and you were there and...then I said it......it was mean from me....I'm

sorry, please, forgive me! If not for our friendship then for the

band!", he said in a rush, stammering over his own words, eyes cast

downwards.

".....for the band....", Toshiya whispered unnoticed. Sure, for the

band. Kaoru would do ANYTHING for the band! Saying sorry to him too.

Probably Die had talked him into this. But could he blame him? No. He smiled

slightly. "There's nothing to forgive Kaoru-san.....absolutely

nothing."

"Are you serious Toshiya?", Kyo spat out, not believing what he just

heard. "I CAN'T believe you're actually saying that!"

"Why?", the bassist replied, still smiling. "Why not Kyo-chan? You know

what I told you last night as we were laying in bed, nee? I meant it!"

Their leader's head shot up. Kyo and Toshiya? His heart wrenched.

Forget him, his mind screamed, just forget him! But he couldn't, as much as

he wanted to. Kaoru clenched his fists, to make the pain in his heart

easier.

"But....", their vocalist interrupted.

"No ‘but’s Kyo-chan, I mean what I say!", he told him again and turned

his attention back to Kaoru. " There's nothing to forgive, you have

been right with all you have said and we two know it!"

"Toshiya....are you crazy?", Die asked stunned.

"No Die, you all know it's true, I AM a slut and I don't blame Kaoru

for saying it, nor for hating me, I understand him.", the bassist said

seriously and tugged one lose strand of hair behind his ear, letting his

gaze swift over his bandmates faces. "I hate myself too...!", he added so

quiet, no one could hear him.

"I don't HATE you, Toshiya....", Kaoru broke the silence, who had came

up after Toshiya finished his sentence. "....."

"Okay, so you might not hate me, but I know what you think of me and

you're damned right, there's no need to say anything else!", Toshiya

replied and stood up. "And now, please excuse me, I've something to do!",

he turned and walked into his room, closing the door.

Silence.

"Can somebody hit me so that I know I'm not dreaming?", Kyo asked

pleading.

"I can hit you for more than that Kyo-CHAN!" ( guess who growled that

^^;;; ..yeah, right, leader-sama of course ), and soon Kyo got what he

wanted, just a bit harder than he imagined his wake-me-up-hit.

"ITAI!", he winced, stroking his jaw carefully, then turning to Kaoru

angrily. "Can you PLEASE tell me what that was ABOUT?"

"Who said you could sneak into Toshiya's bedroom and use the

opportunity to sleep with him Kyo-CHAN?", the leader spat back.

"I DIDN'T sleep with Toshiya!"

"No?"

"NO FOR GODNESS SAKE!", Kyo hissed, standing up to his full height (

which isn't big ;) and stared into Kaoru's eyes out of rage.

"Oh....sorry Kyo-kun....gomen nasai!", his bandmate bowed deeply,

turning red automatically.

Die laughed and shook his head. Fool, he thought.

"Could SOMEONE please tell me what's GOING ON?", Shinya spoke up all of

the sudden. Until now, he had watched them from his place on the couch

and didn't say something, but now he was frowning at them.

"Sorry Shinya-kun, I forgot you were here too!", Kaoru turned to the

young drummer, slightly embarrassed.

"Don't worry Kaoru, our Shin-chan should be used to that, nee

Shin-chan?", Die joked bitterly. "After all, he don't believe what we say

anyway! Am I right Shin-CHAN?"

"Don't start it again Daisuke! I KNOW you're just making FUN out of

me!", Shinya shot back. "But for once it won't work!"

"Oh my god.....what is that for a NICE atmosphere between us.....", Kyo

sighed, rolling his eyes heavenwards and leaning back against the

couch.

He was depressed.

Toshiya rummaged slowly through his clothes, searching for something to

wear. Today he was dating his lover again and he wanted to look

stunning.

No.....that wasn't true.

He sighed sadly and watched his reflection in the nearby mirror. After

all, he didn't care much about what the man thought of him, he didn't

care about the man also. Oh yes, he was nice and friendly,

but......there was 'nothing'. No special feeling, no butterflies. Not with him.

.......but with 'him'.

Kaoru....

The one who didn't want something to do with him. Who thought he was

sluttish and easy. Shakily he let out his breath he'd been unconsciously

holding and bend down to pick one of his favourite dresses. And worst

of all.....

.....the one who was fucking straight. The only one besides their

slightly crazy vocalist who wasn't homosexual or at last bisexual!

He had thought about Kaoru not liking him, not being affected by him,

but......he had failed to think about Kaoru being hetero....straight...not

affected by men. Funny that he hadn't thought about that until now.

This thought had occurred to him through the last time he'd met their

leader, when he had excused himself. Toshiya smiled bitterly. Of course,

that was all because of the band. Not because he didn't mean it.

Finally dressed, the pretty bassist escaped his apartment and was on

his way to the nearby club where he was meeting him, all the time left in

thoughts.

When he got there, he sat down at the bar ordering an sake and

waiting for his lover to arrive. His gaze mindlessly swept over the other

customers and focused on one slightly familiar purple head. His

breathing stopped and his heart fluttered.

He was there......

Gazing at him.

Watching him intensely.

And he stared back, until a shadow appeared right beside him and a

manly voice called his name. That was when he turned around and found

himself in front of his lover. Toshiya could still feel the ticklish feeling

inwardly, the burning gaze in his back that left him shuddering. But he

sadly shook it off and smiled at the man beside him.

His lover smiled back and bend down to kiss him. He nibbled at his lips

to get them to open and stuck his tongue inside, mildly stroking his in

slow motions. His lovers hands crept up his back and pressed them

together, seeking for warmth.

Toshiya let it happen, but was unmoving. He couldn't forget, nor ignore

the man who was watching him in the back. What must he think now? After

he'd called him a slut and........he shut his eyes tightly, sitting as

stiff as a rock.

It didn't go unnoticed by his lover. The man backed away, a confused

look in his handsome features. "What's wrong?", he asked gently.

The bassist just merely shook his head and tried to smile.

"Nothing....."

"Oh sure......you are like that because of nothing! It's about this

leader-guy right?", his lover whispered and stroked his cheek, smiling

sadly. "I know how you feel about him......why didn't you charm him but

me?"

Silence filled their little world.

The blue-head suddenly laughed quietly. "Do you think he would have

fallen for me? No......he isn't....he's not like us."

".....he's not gay you mean?", it was more a statement then a

question.

Toshiya nodded. Now, Kaoru was gone. He didn't feel his gaze anymore.

He sighed deeply and let himself rest against his lover. Soon-to-be

ex-lover, he supposed.

His lover sighed and hugged him carefully. He sure was a warm and nice

person, the bassist thought. Why couldn't he fall for him instead? But

for now he just enjoyed the closeness and security he got from the man.

Nothing more.....never more....

It was unbelievable.

It had been so beautiful, loving and......fucking utterly sweet! Kaoru

cringed in remembrance and his fist clenched.

This one short meaningful scene right now, had left him aching. Aching

to embrace Toshiya like that. Aching to kiss him like that. Kaoru

breathed hard and shook his head clear from all the images who rummaged

through his brain, whilst turning a deeper shade of red.

But......he shouldn't think how it WOULD have been. It NEVER would be

like that, he was sure.

Never....

He went into his car and leaned against the seat, fiddling around in

his coat and after some minutes fishing his cigarettes out and lighting

one, inhaling deep.

Shit.

Why did it bother him so much? Why'd he fallen for the pretty, sexy and

incredible cute man in the first place?

Well....it was obvious, wasn't it? He laughed self-mockingly and cast

his eyes shut. Then taking a deep breath, turning the key and starting

the engine. Slowly he drove off, feeling heavily hopeless with the whole

situation.

What was he supposed to do? How should he react?

Toshiya slowed down, until he was standing in front of their practice

room. Today was the day, where he would officially see Kaoru again.

Today was practice. But hell, he didn't know what to say nor how to act in

front of him. The last time he'd seen him had been yesterday. And, he

knew Kaoru had seen him with his ex-lover. 'Slut', that word still

ringed in his ear and he shuddered unconsciously. What must he think

now......after that night in the club?

He wouldn't think much less from him he already did.

The beautiful man sighed and finally pushed the door open, stepped in

and smiled politely at his bandmates.

They smiled warmly back at him and greeted him with eager enthusiasm,

all but Kyo who he did see each day coz they lived together and Kaoru,

who had his gaze to the ground.

Toshiya went over to his place and checked his bass, stroking the

strings as a soft melody flooded through the room, joined soon with an

guitar and drum. The bassist tilted his head upwards and grinned widely at

his two friends, flashing them one of his flirting smiles then turning

back to his instrument.

"OOOOOOOOOKAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!", the melody was abruptly broken at once by

Kyo's insane screams and laughing. The little vocalist smirked seeing

his friend's cringing and showed them his tongue, before turning back to

the mic. "I'm sorry.....I didn't mean it........I'll be good....."

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU........I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE RASPBERRY

JAAAAM!"*, they finished together, laughing madly but failing to notice

the pissed-off look on their leaders face until the tall man stood up.

"Could you PLEASE stop that childish shit? There are still people who

WORK!", he hissed, glaring at his bandmates and shaking his head

angrily. Why couldn't they be quiet just for once? Why couldn't HE be quiet?

He laughed and joked, flirted and sung with the others, as if nothing

had happened.

But.....maybe there hadn't happened something to Toshiya. Maybe it

hadn't been much more that a little fight with one of his lovers? He sighed

in despair and sat back down, not noticing he was being watched from

his friends. "Fuck.....", he muttered. He should have known it, but.....

"Are you okay Kaoru-san?", Kyo reached out to touch his friend, but

hesitated. He wasn't quite sure if he should or not. Sometimes it was the

best to leave him in piece.

"Yeah, yeah....I'm just tired, have had a long night!", their leader

answered in an excusing voice and tried to smile at his bandmates. They

of course didn't believe him, all but Toshiya who was standing in the

corner, just watching them with an sad expression and wondering about

what Kaoru had done that night. A pang of jealousy encircled his heart.

Maybe he had.....

NO! Toshiya bit his lip, hard.

No, there was NO WAY that had happened last night and making Kaoru

tired today.....no way. ( you know what I mean don't you? *naughtygrin*

#^^#) But he couldn't resist to ask. "Have had FUN last night Kaoru-san?"

Sardonic how calm his voice sounded.

The purple-headed man seemed taken off guard by his comment. What was

that supposed to mean? Was that just an revenge for his cruel words? Or

did the bassist just tease him? He didn't know.

"Why'd you ask Toshiya-san?"

"Just because..."

"Oh.....sure..."

"......."

"Let's practice already!"

 the quote today:

~right eye - left eye - right hand - left hand - right leg - left leg -

"neck"~

* I just LOVE 'BERRY' *kyaaaaaaaa*