| The Ninja Monkey Wish List |
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| Often, as they sit together in the evening knitting blankets and sipping tea, Ninja Monkey Red will turn to NMB and say, "You know, I wish that [certain socially unacceptable behavior] were socially acceptable..." NMB will listen thoughtfully, then give a reason why said socially unacceptable behavior will never be socially acceptable. "I know," Ninja Monkey Red will say, "But I still wish it were." And so begins the list of Ninja Monkey wishes for the world... 1. Ninja Monkey Red: pushing I wish that pushing people were socially acceptable. If someone gets in my way, I believe I should have the right to force them to the ground in deference and make them confront the tardery of their inability to correctly assess where they are going. 'Listen, Tard,' I would say, 'It's really not that difficult. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot; glance from side to side when moving horizontally across the sidewalk, and don't make any sudden stops.' I also think this rule should apply equally across humanity, that is that it should be an indiscriminate rule that pushing is okay when someone invades your personal space. Child not looking where it's going? Too bad, Timmy, now you're on your ass. Grandma moving too slowly, causing you to scuff her heels with her erratic stop-start motion? Eat pavement, Edna. to which Pjos offers the additional consideration... 2. Pjosley: personal horns Everyone should have a personal horn, a sort of buzzer tied to some kind of necklace type apparatus that would hang around his or her neck. This way, if Granny or Timmy get in your way, you can simply deafen them (incurring no legal responsibilities for cracked hips or broken wrists). However, on second thought, if everyone had a personal horn, that means idiots and retards would have personal horns; everyone saw what happened with the laser pointers (no, Dave, no one thinks it's funny when you point it at the movie screen; in fact, owning a laser pointer in the first place puts you at about the same level of coolness as your average pocket-protector employing geek)--the last thing we need is eight million jerks with personal horns running around, getting them customized to play La Cucaracha or the theme song from The Godfather. So I offer this solution: personal horns only for Ninja Monkeys. That way, we avoid dealing with the probably intolerable instances of tard-related personal horn abuse while still enjoying the benefits of getting grandma and Timmy to move their slow, imperceptive asses a little bit more quickly, and more dexterously, down the street. 3. NMR: You're a jerk. I wish I could tell people point blank when they're being jerks. For instance, I was trying to get down the subway stairs and this woman was standing in front of the stairway with both arms reached out across the rails, completely preventing anyone from passing by, talking to her friend without any intention of either ending the conversation or moving out of the way. I kept saying, "Excuse me, excuse me," and she wouldn't move. It would've been so nice if I could've said, "Listen, you're being a jerk right now," and then had her be like, "Oh? I'm sorry, I didn't realize," and then move out of the way--but that is, unfortunately, not allowed. I think that if you see someone being a jerk, you should be able to point out to them without fear of being punched. I mean, can everyone please stop being so insecure? Sometimes you're being a jerk, and if you're unaware of it then it should be okay for other people to point it out to you, otherwise how will you learn what is jerkish and what isn't? Obviously if everyone is in agreement that you're being a jerk the problem is you, not them, so you should get off your ass and change the way you interact with people. See,there's this thing called "Common Decency" that we should all strive toward; blocking everyone's path (on stairs, on the street, in a doorway), stealing someone's cab, fucking someone's boyfriend--these things go against common decency and should be stopped. If everyone worked a little harder to acquire common decency, we wouldn't have random stabbings in night clubs or husbands who beat their wives because they've had to deal with assholes on the subway all day. (Note: pushing would also have been a good solution to the woman on the stairs; rather than politely trying to get by, I could've broken her back. Also, it would have been infinitely more satisfying than just calling her a jerk. So I guess I can go for one or the other, though pushing is definitely my first choice.) |