Chapter Three

    It was showtime the next week. And today, this was going to be a day we would dread; One of us would be booted off the show.  And even though we knew it had to be done, it would still hurt one of us (I hoped it wouldn't be me.).
But I had other things on my mind that day, besides the show. I was still thinking about last week, when my friends had all had lunch. Something Justin had said kept playing in my mind. Someone who won't care if she gets her clothes dirty, because she can always put them in the washer, he'd said. That had sounded something like me. I'm sort of a tomboy. I hate getting dressed up. I only get dressed up if I have to. Like, if I'm performing, a wedding or funeral, or something. Everyone has to look nice, don't they?
For this first time on American Idol,  I was planning on wearing a pink tube top with my favorite black bell-bottoms with my stiletto heeled sandals. I was going to be the hit of American Idol!
As I was putting on my shirt, I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I looked...not bad.
I felt like a dork, but I couldn't help looking at my body. My tanned legs and thighs. My abs and my arms.
For awhile, I wished I could look a little more like Ryan. Ryan was tall and a little slender and had the abs and boobs that most girls wanted and guys stared at and talked about. It wasn't that I didn't have anything, but Ryan did have a well developed body. But at least I didn't flaunt my body and brag about it, like Ryan. Whenever she wanted something, she'd adjust her shirt a little and people could get a little glimpse of her tits. I think that was the reason she was still on American Idol. Maybe Ryan was spoiled, where she thought she could get anything she wanted. That Justin guy is gonna be mine. All mine, she'd bragged.
Did she think she could just get any guy she wanted just by showing off those breasts of hers? Nikki was right. What were so great about her tits?
After thinking about what I just thought about for a second, I reconcidered it. I didn't want to look like Ryan. I was only brainwashing myself.
My mind wandered back to Justin. He was cute. I'll admit that. And he turned out to be a really sweet guy. How could I have been so wrong as to judge him? Well, that's me for you. Mom always says that to me.'That's Kelly for you.' I'm known to say or do something and then change my mind afterwards.
Then my mind wandered back to my body once again. I did look good. This reminded me of that song by Tweet, called Oops, Oh My. She sings about how proud she is of her body when she starts to take off her clothes. I was alone in the room, so I quickly took off my panties and bra and examined myself in the mirror. Wow, great looking body, Clarkson. Who cares what other people think of you?
I rubbed at my breasts for awhile, but I didn't dare go...down there. It's not that I think it's gross, but I just didn't want to go that far now. I began to put my clothes back on. I had gotten my pants on and  just as I was putting on my top, the door opened. It was Justin! Oh, god!
When he saw me, he covered his eyes. I looked down. I'd forgotten to put my bra on and the top was only halfway on my chest!
He blushed and so did I. I quickly put my shirt on the rest of the way and fumbled around, looking for my shoes as a distraction.
Justin was the first to speak. "I'm sorry. I should have knocked first."
"It's okay. It happens." I said.
"Do you need help down there? It's taking an awfully long time for you to find your shoes."
"No. I'm alright."
Justin turned to go, but then he stopped. "Oh, I almost forgot...This is my dressing room, too. Are you almost done in here?"
I nodded. "Give me a few more minutes."
"Okay." he said. He left and closed the door.
After he left, I felt something...No, it wasn't humilation or embarrsement. It felt like...a turn-on. Whoa, Kelly. You've never felt that before. What's going on with me? I mean, I was only half-topless, but it still felt exciting to me to have someone walk in on me and see that. Could I have a little crush on Justin? The guy I had called a jerk?
I shook my head. This was silly. I convinced myself it wasn't a crush. But it was something, otherwise I wouldn't have felt the way I did.

    The performance went well. And I didn't get booted, but Jim was the first one. It was sad to see him go, but I was still glad it wasn't me.
 Before the show, we had to go to a confrence for American Idol. It was all of us seated in front of microphones, talking to the press about the show. Nothing good happened except Nikki almost said something really nasty about Ryan, but caught her tongue in time. But that was in the past. Jim was gone and we would perform again next week. I was looking forward to that. I couldn't believe I was bitching to Stacee about how much I didn't want to perform and sing. I quickly changed my mind about that.
When we all went back to the mansion, we ate dinner that Tamyra fixed up. ("Soul food is what I need. You guys need it, too. I'm cooking dinner tonight," she'd said.) The collards, black-eyed peas, fried chicken, buttermilk biscuits, coleslaw, potato salad, and sweet potato pie were so good, I thought I would burst. And the grape Kool-Aid really hit the spot. ("Black people love Kool-Aid!" Christina joked.) After I was stuffed full of food, we all went to bed.
 I shared a room with Christina, Tamyra, and Nikki. I walked in and sauntered into the bathroom, humming softly to myself. After my shower, I put on my silk nightgown.
After I walked out, I went to my bed and turned on the nightlamp by the nighttable next to my bed.
Nikki's bed was next to mine and she was still awake while Christina and Tamrya were sound asleep.
"Kel, how were the performances?" she asked.
"They were great. I had fun. Didn't you?" "It was okay. But I hope I don't get kicked off anytime soon. Maybe Ryan will. And I don't mind if she does."
I laughed. "She's still on Justin Patrol. She was sitting next to him the whole time during dinner. If she knew what happened in the dressing roo_"
I cut myself off, realizing I said too much. And of course, Nikki was curious.
"What happened in the dressing room?" she asked with interest.
"Nothing." I lied. "Nothing, my ass! What happened? You can tell me! You can trust me."
"You won't tell anyone?" I asked doubtfully.
Nikki nodded vigorously.
"Okay...Well, I was getting dressed in the dressing room and I was just starting to put on my shirt when you-know-who walked in!"
"Who?" Nikki asked in bewilderment.
I rolled my eyes. "Justin, Nikki." I said.
"So?" Nikki said, shrugging.
"The top I was putting on was only halfway. He happened to walk in and see me."
Nikki's mouth fell open. "Let me get this straight. You mean to tell me that while you were getting dressed, Justin walked in on you and you were half topless?"
"Exactly."
"What did he do?"
"He apologized and that was that."
"Were you mad?"
"A little. But it was an accident."
"Whoo! Go, Kelly! I knew it!" Nikki exclaimed.
"Excuse me?" I questioned.
"You know what I think? I think Justin walked in you on purpose, so he could get a glimpse of you in the dressing room. Men are like that."
"Why would Justin do that?" I asked.
"Like I said, men are like that. Most like to get glimpses of naked or half-naked women."
"Nikki McKibbin! You take that back! Justin is notlike that! You're wrong!"
"Are you defending him? Tamyra told me you thought he was a jerk and a snob."
I felt dumb. What could I tell Nikki now? Certainly not my deep, deep feelings.
"He is a jerk. And that's final." I lied.
Nikki rolled her eyes. "Really, Kelly. You're the worst liar I've ever known."
I didn't even bother to dignify that with an answer.
About ten minutes later, Nikki had fallen asleep. I couldn't sleep just yet,  so I got up and walked into the kitchen. I had a craving for some cookies and warm milk, so I began to look for some. As I was digging in the cupboard for the cookies, I heard someone singing softly. Whoever it was sounded really good. I wondered who it was, so I walked around to find out.
I wandered around until I saw a faint figure on the patio. I opened the door and walked towards the figure. As I got closer, the person looked more and more familar.
It was Justin, standing on the balcony, singing into the night while gazing at the stars.
He turned around, looking startled. When he saw me, he grinned. "Oh, sorry. You kinda startled me. Did I wake you?"
"It's okay. I couldn't sleep, anyway. What are you doing at one thirty in the morning, singing?"
Justin smiled at me. "I couldn't sleep, either. Whenever I'm tense, I sing. When I can't sleep, I come outside for awhile and sing. It relaxes me."
"What were you singing?" I asked, shivering a little at the brisk breeze.
"I was singing a song by Stevie Wonder. Have you ever heard of that song called, Everything's Allright? It was my father's favorite song and it kinda grew on me, I guess. He plays it whenever he can."
"I like Stevie Wonder. One my favorite songs from him is called I Wish. Have you heard of that song?"
"Yeah. I have a whole collection of his albums."
"Could I hear them sometime?" I asked.
"Sure. You can use them whenever you want."
I didn't know what to say next. But I didn't have to, because Justin spoke up. "Have you seen the stars from up here? In Doylestown, where I live, you can hardly see the stars. I wished I could've seen them up there. But from here, they look so beautiful."
"You should go to Burleson. You can see the stars there every night."
"Really? I live for the stars. I think they're the most beautiful things the world will ever see in a lifetime."
"Why are you so excited about the stars?" I asked.
"People just don't take the time to look at them . Look up there, see that?" Justin asked, pointing up at the sky.
"See what?" I asked.
"That constellation up there. The one the shape of a small spoon and the other the shape of a bigger one. See 'em?"
I looked. And sure enough, I saw them. They did look beautiful.
"What are they?" I asked.
"They're called The Big Dipper and The Little Dipper. They're one of the most talked about constellations in the world."
Wow. I'd never even heard of these constellations before. I'd never even looked closely looked at a star to even tell it resembled anything. Until now.
"And look! A shooting star! Let's make some wishes!" Justin exclaimed.
We closed our eyes and made a quick wish.
After the star had vanished, Justin asked me what I wished for.
"If I told you, it wouldn't come true." I said.
"Please? Can you give me just a little clue?" he begged.
"No way."
Justin clasped his hands together. "Please? With sugar with a cherry on top?" he begged.
I laughed. "No."
"Oh, well. I guess I can't tell you what my wish was."
"Nice try." I said, laughing. I walked over and sat down on the patio's bench.
"It was worth a try, wasn't it?"
"I guess."
Justin joined me on the bench. "I wanted to tell you, before I forget. I really loved your performances. They were all just outstanding."
"Yours were, too." I said. The wind was whipping my hair around. "They were much better than Ryan's. She can sing, but I like your voice better."
"Well, thank you."
For awhile, the both of us had nothing else to say. Justin was staring at me intensely.
"I like your hair like that." he remarked.
"What? All tangled up?" I asked.
"Yeah. It looks really cool." he said, reaching over to touch a strand of my hair. I shuddered a little.
Then it was quiet again. Without a word, I saw Justin move towards me.What was he doing? Then I could feel his lips against mine. What did I do? Did I fight him off me? Did I move my head? No. I was actually kissing him back and I was enjoying it.
 I put my hands on the back of his head, running my fingers through his curly mop of hair. He put his hands up my nightgown, but I wasn't wearing a bra. But I was so into this intense kissing, I almost didn't care where he touched me. His hands left my back and made their way to my chest. He rubbed at my breasts briskly and pinched my nipples.
As my head dipped down in excitement and pleasure, thoughts of my family, my career, Ryan, and what I was doing right now flitted through my brain. My mind began to face facts and reality. I barely knew Justin and here I was, almost ready to give myself to him. What the hell am I thinking? What am I doing? I can't do this, I thought.
I began to wriggle free out of Justin's grasp. He looked a little surprised.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I just realized I can't do this. It's not right. I mean, I barely know you and_"
"It's okay. I understand. I won't if you don't want to."
"And besides, who would want to do you-know-what on the patio?"
"You're right, Kelly. I should think first before I start something."
I was going to have to start thinking before starting something, from now on, too.
"It's okay. I'm going to bed, but before I go, I want to ask you something?"
"What?"
"Would you not tell this to the rest of the guys? I'd rather people not know what happened just now."
"Sure. I wouldn't tell anybody."
I smiled. Then I waved and said good night. After I made my way to the bedroom, I was glad to see Tamyra, Nikki, and Christina were still asleep. Thank you, God, I prayed silently.
It took me awhile to go asleep as I was thinking about what I just done. Was that me, making out with Justin? Me, Kelly Clarkson? I couldn't believe it. I had tried to convinced myself I didn't have a crush on Justin, but deep down inside, I couldn't get rid of this feeling in my stomach. I had never felt that way since a cute guy named Evan Hillard had told me he had a crush on me in ninth grade. But this was better. It was more uplifting, now that I was older now.
Even though I broke away from Justin's touchings, I had enjoyed it. I had felt like butter in his grasp. A part of me wished I could just go back in time and stop myself from ever saying no. But the other part of me knew it was the right thing to do, since I wasn't that committed.
Something told me I would never feel that way with someone again.
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