TELEFONO

CHARACTERS;

Wendy (our airhead heroine)

Maria (Wendy’s friend)

Kevin (Maria’s boyfriend)

Godot (Wendy’s boyfriend)

Hillary (Expert of the U.S. health care system)

Sony Toyota (Hillary’s colleague)

Agent A

Agent B

Operator

The play takes place in Wendy's apartment.

The time is late 1993.

[On stage, it is an apartment room of WENDY.

Regular furnishings. A telephone and a fax

machine are on the table. An object that is

as big as TV is there, covered by a white

cloth. Telephone begins to ring.]

[WENDY appears.]

WENDY

Hello, Wendy Thomas speaking...hi, Godot. How are you? ...When are you coming? ...Yes, people will start showing up pretty soon. ...Don't be late. ......All right, Godot. OK, bye.

[She puts back her codeless phone. Two

seconds later, it rings again. She picks it

up.]

WENDY

Hello......collect call? From Alaska? ...I don't know anybody in Alaska. ...No, I don't. Where is Alaska anyway? I don't think it even belongs to the United States. ...No, it's a colony or something. ......Anyway, I don't want to accept collect calls from foreigners. ...Bye.

[She puts her phone down. A little while

later, it rings again.]

WENDY

Hello......oh, no. You know, I don't think you should. I don't think I am the right person. I haven't kept up with what's going on. ......No, I have never heard of it...

[Doorbell rings. WENDY, while on the phone,

goes and gets the door. The door is supposed

to be on the left side on the stage. MARIA

enters.]

WENDY

Yes, I am fully insured. ...What? ...I don't know. Oh, I know, isn't he the one who played Hannibal Lecter in "The Silence of the Lambs"? No? ......You are welcome, bye. [Puts her phone down.]

MARIA

Wendy, who were you talking to?

WENDY

That was some kind of opinion poll. They asked me questions about the health care system.

MARIA

Oh.

WENDY

What do you think about our health care system? Maria?

MARIA

I don't know. It's too complicated. But I do think there is a health care crisis and status-quo cannot be sustained. I am really looking forward to that new health care legislation.

WENDY

Good. That's what I should have said. I would have sounded smarter. ...By the way, where is Kevin? I thought you two were coming together.

MARIA

He had some errands to run. In fact, let me see where he is now.

[MARIA takes out her cellular phone from her

purse. WENDY becomes visibly curious]

WENDY

What, do you carry cellular phone all the time now?

MARIA

Yes, so Kevin and I can get in touch all the time. [As she talks, she punches in numbers. She pauses, then speaks.] Hi Kevin, this is Maria. Where are you now? ...Oh, you are at the Blockbuster Video. ......No, I don't want to see "Gone with the Wind"...no, not "Gandhi" either. [Gets agitated.] ......Get something contemporary, use you god damn common sense, okay? Oh shut up. You know I hate that air head bimbo bitch Sharon Stone. ......Whatever. Get to Wendy's fast, OK? Bye.

[As soon as MARIA is finished, WENDY's

codeless phone begins to ring.]

WENDY

Hello? No, this is not Dial-A-Mattress. What number did you call? ...It's OK, bye. [Puts down the phone.] Jesus, this is so annoying. I get so many wrong numbers.

MARIA

Really? I never get any.

WENDY

Are you joking? I receive fifty to sixty calls daily. And most of them are wrong numbers. I just got a wrong number from Alaska. Do you know where Alaska is? Isn't it a Russian territory or something?

MARIA

Well, I think it used to be. ...By the way, who are coming to your little party?

Wendy

This is not a party. I purchased something exciting recently, and I wanted to show it to a few of my friends. [She points to the object covered by a cloth.] Well, let's see who are coming. You and Kevin. Godot should be getting here soon. Hillary, too. And I understand she is taking a friend.

MARIA

Hillary? The health care expert?

WENDY

When she comes, let's ask her about the health care crisis. I want to be enlightened by her intelligent opinion.

[Doorbell rings. WENDY gets the door.

HILLARY and SONY enter.]

WENDY

Hi, Hillary.

HILLARY

Hello Wendy. Hi Maria. Let me introduce a friend of mine. This is Mr. Sony Toyota. He is from Japan.

SONY

How do you doing!

[He bows deeply. WENDY and MARIA are taken

aback. Throughout the play, SONY is to speak

funny with a funny accent.]

MARIA

[Trying to recover from the shock] Nice to meet you. Oh, yes, my parents drive a Toyota. It's really a great car.

HILLARY

Come on, Maria. Just because his last name is Toyota, it doesn't mean he has anything to do with Toyota the car company. They call us stupid, lazy Americans because we make that kind of illogical leap in our reasoning. Sony, you have nothing to do with the car company, right?

SONY

No. My family not relating to the Toyota Dynasty. But my father have a majority share of Sony Electric Company.

[Uncomfortable silence persists a while.]

MARIA

[Trying to lighten up the atmosphere] So, Sony. What brings you to this country?

SONY

Pardon?

MARIA

What brings you to this country?

SONY

Pardon?

HILLARY

Maria. Perhaps you should speak more slowly. You know, English is pretty difficult for foreigners.

MARIA

[Slowly] What brings you to this country?

SONY

[Thinking] Airplane?

MARIA

Oh, an airplane. How interesting.

HILLARY

Sony is a scholar. He is studying the health care system in the

United States and that is how he got to know me. You know, since I am a foremost expert in that field.

[Some electric sound. WENDY's fax machine is

receiving something.]

WENDY

My fax machine is receiving something.

SONY

Your fuck machine?

[Silence]

WENDY

Yes, yes, my fax machine. Fax. [From her machine, she takes out what has just been sent.] I wonder what this is. [Reads.] "I say unto you. Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit."

MARIA

What the hell is that?

WENDY

I have no idea.

HILLARY

Probably it was supposed to be sent to a different place.

WENDY

Yeah, another wrong number. I don't know why people can't dial right. Oh, Hillary, by the way, I wanted to ask you what you think about the health care.

HILLARY

The health care? You know how I feel about it. I'll explain my position again if you want me to.

MARIA

Wait, Kevin is going to get here soon. We have to explain his condition to Sony.

WENDY

Oh, right. I forgot about that. [To Sony] Sony, pretty soon a friend of mine named Kevin is going to show up. And he is psycho –somatic.

SONY

What? Is he psycho?

MARIA

No! He has a psycho-somatic condition. I don't know exactly what it's called. But he reacts to certain words in a weird way.

SONY

Not understand what you say.

MARIA

Just don't, don’t say Yoko Ono. He faints when he hears that name.

SONY

Yoko Ono? Our national hero?

MARIA

Yes. You know, Kevin hates Yoko Ono so much because he thinks she broke up the Beatles. The Beatles are like god to him. Kevin firmly believes that Yoko is the Anti-Christ.

[WENDY's phone rings.]

WENDY

Oh, no. Another phone call. [Picks it up.] Hello, oh, hi Kevin. How are you? Yes, almost everyone is here. Where are you now?

[Doorbell rings. SONY gets the door. Enter

KEVIN, holding his cellular phone]

KEVIN

[Speaking into his phone] I am right here.

WENDY

[Speaking to her phone] Oh, it's good to see you.

KEVIN

[Still speaking to his phone] I thank you very much for inviting me.

WENDY

[Still speaking to her phone] You are quite welcome.

KEVIN

[Still speaking to his phone] Weather is quite lovely today, don't you think?

HILLARY

It’s ridiculous. Why don't you two put down your telephones.

[KEVIN and WENDY abruptly do so, as if ashamed

by their foolish behavior.]

HILLARY

Kevin. I would like you to meet a friend of mine. This is Mr. Sony Toyota. He is a scholar from Japan. And this is Kevin.

SONY

How do you doing!

[SONY bows again. KEVIN bows back.]

KEVIN

Nice to meet you. Yes, that Toyota is a great car company. My grandfather drives a Toyota.

SONY

Thank you.

MARIA

[To Kevin] He is not related to Toyota the car maker. He is connected to Sony Electric, though.

KEVIN

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize that. Yes, Sony is great. I believe my cellular phone, which I and Maria value so much, is made by Sony.

MARIA

That's true! We wouldn't know what to do without the Sony technology. We must thank you.

SONY

You are welcome.

KEVIN

[To Wendy] Hey, Wendy. So what is this little gathering about? Did your dad open a new store or something?

WENDY

No. I just bought something that I wanted to show you. [Points to the object.] But we are waiting for Godot.

HILLARY

I wonder what that thing is. Let me make a guess. I think it's some kind of a cooking machine, since Wendy can't cook.

WENDY

No, it's not a cooking machine. And you can't cook either.

HILLARY

That's because I chose not to stay home to bake cookies and make tea all day. I went to law school instead.

[WENDY's phone rings.]

WENDY

Hello? ......No, I don't deliver Chinese food. ...I don't cook Chinese food. I can't cook anything. ...Ha? This isn't a Chinese restaurant, all right? ......Hey, screw you. [Hangs up.]

KEVIN

[Trying to lighten up the atmosphere] Sony, you know, I am really interested in Japan. I want to know everything about it. Can I ask you questions about Japan?

SONY

Sure.

KEVIN

Where in Japan are you from?

SONY

Yoko......

[KEVIN faints. WENDY, MARIA and HILLARY

scream.]

MARIA

Sony, I told you not to say Yoko!

SONY

Me from Yokohama! Yokohama!

WENDY

Oh, God. Is he alive? Is he dead? Shall I call an ambulance?

MARIA

It's all right. Wendy, will you get him Snapple? Kevin recovers when he drinks Snapple.

WENDY

Snapple? Really? That's weird. Isn't he supposed to drink orange juice or something?

MARIA

That's for people with diabetes. Kevin has to drink Snapple.

WENDY

OK. Just a second.

[WENDY disappears to the kitchen, which is

thought to be on the right side of the stage.

Then her phone starts to ring.]

MARIA

Oh, no. It's probably another one of those wrong calls.

HILLARY

It has to be Godot. Let me get it.

[HILLARY picks up.]

HILLARY

Hello? ......What, the Howard Stern Show? ...No, Jessica Hahn doesn't live here...ha? Baba Booey? What the hell are you talking about? ......Listen Mr. Stern. As an intelligent, thinking American, I must say that I find your radio program degrading and morally objectionable. ...What? No, I don't listen to your show everyday, what the hell......hey, shut up! [Hangs up.]

[Silence. Then WENDY appears from the right

side of the stage.]

WENDY

What was it?

HILLARY

Oh, nothing.

[WENDY disappears.]

MARIA

Yes, that Stern character is despicable. I can't believe 16 million Americans listen to him.

SONY

But I have been learning so much English from his show. Yesterday, I learn the word "lesbian."

[HILLARY and MARIA stare at SONY. Silence.

Then WENDY emerges form the kitchen with a

glass of Snapple.]

WENDY

Well, Maria, here you go.

MARIA

Thank you.

[MARIA feeds Snapple to KEVIN. A little

while later, KEVIN comes out of the coma.]

KEVIN

What happened? I was talking to Sony and I just lost my consciousness.

MARIA

Sony said the "Y" word.

KEVIN

I see. You know, I really hope that my health care plan covers psycho-somatic diseases.

[Phone rings.]

WENDY

Oh, no.

MARIA

I bet it's another wrong number.

HILLARY

I hope it's not Howard.

WENDY

Well, I have to pick it up. [Picks up.] Hello? ......[To others] I have no idea what's being said at the other end.

[For some reason, WENDY hands the phone to

SONY.]

SONY

Hello! ......Moshi, moshi. [Bows deeply.] Hai, sushi sashimi, ......Honda, Matsuda......baka, aho. Kamikaze, samurai, yakuza, seppuku......sayonara. [Bows deeply again. Puts down the phone. To others] Wrong number from Japan.

KEVIN

Gee, what's next? Wrong number from Mars?

MARIA

Why are we just sitting here and keep receiving crazy phone calls? Let's do something. Wendy, let us see what you bought.

WENDY

I want to wait for Godot.

HILLARY

Godot won't show. I guarantee it.

[Phone rings.]

WENDY

Godot? ...Yeah, everyone but you is here. What happened? I thought you were supposed to be here an hour ago. ......Whatever. You had better get here soon. That's all I am going to say. ...OK, bye.

[Puts the phone down.]

MARIA

So, Wendy. What is it? [Points to the object.]

WENDY

Well, it's something that I dreamed to have in my possession for a long time. It was pretty expensive. I guess it has been in the market for a very short time.

MARIA

Sounds mysterious.

KEVIN

Let me make a guess this time. It looks like a TV. I bet it's one of those TVs that has like two screens. So you can watch two channels at the same time.

WENDY

No, that's not it. But you are close.

HILLARY

I actually would like that type of TV that has two screens. I can watch CNN and "MacNeil/Lehrer Newshour" at the same time.

KEVIN

I can watch hockey and basketball simultaneously.

MARIA

I can watch C-Span and C-Span 2 simultaneously.

WENDY

Why would you do that?

MARIA

That will be twice as effective in putting me to sleep.

SONY

I can watch Beavis and Butt-head Simon ten ice lee.

KEVIN

Sony, "Beavis and Butt-head" is one program.

SONY

I can watch Regis and Cathy Lee Simon ten ice lee.

WENDY

Sony, “Regis and Cathy Lee” is one program, too.

SONY

I can watch "Beavis and Butt-head" and "Regis and Cathy Lee" Simon ten ice lee.

KEVIN

There you go.

WENDY

I can watch Letterman and Leno simultaneously and decide who is better.

KEVIN

Now I can compare all those beer commercials.

MARIA

Better yet, I can compare commercials of McDonald, Burger King, and Wendy's.

WENDY

Hey, don't make fun of my dad.

[Phone rings.]

MARIA

Oh, no.

HILLARY

Just when we started to have an amiable conversation.

WENDY

It's fate. Let me see what it's about. [Picks up the phone.] Hello......do I want to buy a personal computer? Come on. You

can't sell those things over the phone. ...Hey, by the way, do you have anything made by Sony? I'm pretty sure I can get you to give me a great discount. ......[Puts down the phone. To others] The person hang up on me.

KEVIN

My god, they were selling computers? They sell weird things over the telephone these days.

HILLARY

Kevin. You can do anything with telephone these days. Telephone is becoming so powerful. Didn't you see the New York Times this morning? Some laboratory here in New York discovered a new method by which wireless information is transmitted. That means wireless technology is going to be really cheap and easily accessible.

KEVIN

I didn't understand a word you said. You are too brainy for us.

HILLARY

That means pretty soon, everyone will be carrying cellular phone like you and Maria.

MARIA

That's great. We will all be connected.

HILLARY

Yes. Telephone is going to completely change our lives. With that fiber wireless optic technology thing. For example, I bought the Madonna exercise video the other day over the telephone.

MARIA

No, you didn't.

HILLARY

Yes, I did. It's quite good. You should get one, too.

MARIA

Never.

HILLARY

Just call 1-800-MADONNA.

WENDY

It sounds interesting. I think I'll purchase it.

HILLARY

Yes, call them. You will be surprised. That Madonna is actually quite talented. Except she can't sing and dance.

WENDY

[Dialing her phone] 1-800-M-A-D-O-N-N-A......I don't seem to be getting through. It says to redial. Hillary, are you sure it's the right number?

HILLARY

How can I get it wrong? Just call 1-800-MADONNA.

WENDY

Let me try again. [Redial.] ......No, the same thing. Actually I've been having trouble calling 800 numbers. The other day, I tried calling 1-800-COLLECT, but couldn't.

KEVIN

Call up the operator. Say there is a problem with 800 numbers.

WENDY

Okay.

[Now, OPERATOR appears and stands at the very

right of the stage. She is not actually

there in WENDY's apartment, so others are to

ignore her presence. She is to be wearing

some kind of uniform and a headset. She is to

speak in that monotonous, operator-kind of

voice.]

OPERATOR

This is Darth Bader Ginsburg speaking. May I help you.

WENDY

Darth Bader?

OPERATOR

Yes.

WENDY

Well, Darth Bader. I seem unable to get through to 800 numbers.

OPERATOR

You can’t get through to 800 numbers. Can I have the number, please.

WENDY

1-800-MADONNA.

OPERATOR

I beg your pardon?

WENDY

1-800-M-A-D-O-N-N-A.

OPERATOR

Let me look up the number for those that specialize in that kind of problem. Well...here you go. Just call this number and they will fix you up; 1-800-PROBLEM. 1-800-P-R-O-B-L-E-M. Thank you for using ET & T.

[OPERATOR disappears.]

WENDY

But I can't get to 800 numbers. [Realizes that OPERATOR is gone.] Jesus Christ!

MARIA

Here, you can use my cellular phone.

[MARIA hands WENDY her cellular phone.

WENDY calls 1-800-MADONNA.]

WENDY

[Listening]......It says that all one million copies of the Madonna workout video are sold out.

MARIA

That's too bad. But I am sure you can substitute with the Jane Fonda video.

KEVIN

Or like me, you can use the Regis Philbin workout video. It's great. I like it.

SONY

Regis great. He is like god in my country.

MARIA

In Japan? I didn't know that.

HILLARY

Anyway, like we saw, services provided over the telephone leave much to be desired. In my field of expertise, the health care, that’s especially the case.

WENDY

Yeah? Is that right? What kind of health care service are you talking about?

HILLARY

Oh, everything. In fact, Sony and I have been working together on surveying those telephone health care services.

WENDY

[Becoming curious] Yeah? What do you guys do?

HILLARY

Okay, let me demonstrate. We work like this. [Picks up WENDY’s phone, dials some number.] As the foremost expert on the U.S. health care system, I know lots of those health care-related telephone numbers by heart. I call one of them up, hands the phone to Sony, and observe what happens. Watch.

[HILLARY hands the phone to SONY. OPERATOR

appears again, and stands at the same spot.]

OPERATOR

[Softly] Yes, this is the Suicide Hot Line. My name is Barbra Stringent. Now, whatever you are doing, stop and listen to me. Your life is too precious to just throw it away. No problem is too big so that you can't.....

SONY

Hello?

OPERATOR

What? Oh, yes, hello.

SONY

How are you? [Bows.]

OPERATOR

Fine. [Somehow, she bows back.] Now, if I may ask, what seems to be your problem?

SONY

Pardon?

OPERATOR

What is your problem?

SONY

Pardon?

OPERATOR

Do you have a problem?

SONY

Oh, yes. I have funny name.

OPERATOR

What? Oh, I see. So what? I have a funny name, too. And I have a big nose. That is not big enough problem so you have to contemplate suicide.

SONY

You have to what?

OPERATOR

You know, contemplate suicide.

SONY

Contemplate?

OPERATOR

Yes, that means to think about.

SONY

Contemplate what?

OPERATOR

You know, suicide.

SONY

What suicide?

OPERATOR

You know, that's what you were going to do.

SONY

Oh, really? Can I eat it?

OPERATOR

What?

SONY

Can I eat suicide?

OPERATOR

I am not sure if I understood your question. Did you say "can I beat suicide?"

SONY

Yes, I say "can I eat suicide."

OPERATOR

Yes, you most definitely can. You can beat suicidal feelings.

SONY

How should I to cook it?

OPERATOR

Pardon?

SONY

How to cook it?

OPERATOR

Cook? What are you talking about? You can't cook it.

SONY

But didn't you not say I can eat it?

OPERATOR

Yes, I said you can beat it.

SONY

So, why can't I cooking it?

OPERATOR

I don't know. I don't know what you're saying.

[WENDY, MARIA, KEVIN, HILLARY were holding

their breath, but at this point, they

burst out laughing.]

OPERATOR

Hey, what's the noise I hear?

SONY

People is laughing.

OPERATOR

Oh my god. You were playing a trick on me. I can't believe it. While I was trying to help you. Shame on you! You are as evil as Yoko Ono!

[OPERATOR hangs up. She disappears from the

stage. KEVIN faints.]

WENDY

Here he goes again. Maria, let him have some more Snapple. Hillary, you are right. It’s tough to do health care over the telephone.

[Maria feeds Kevin Snapple. Beep sound.

WENDY's fax machine is receiving something.]

SONY

Your fuck machine is working.

WENDY

Yes, it indeed is. Thank you for telling me.

[WENDY takes out what has just been sent to

her machine and reads it.]

WENDY

"Operation 'Dostoevsky' proceeding to level III. Red alert.

Further instruction in thirty minutes."

MARIA

What's that? What's Dostoevsky? I think I heard that name somewhere.

HILLARY

He is the Russian author who wrote "War and Peace."

WENDY

Hillary, you are so smart. You know everything.

[At this point, KEVIN regains his

consciousness.]

KEVIN

How did she know about my psycho-somatic illness? That was one heck of surprise attack.

MARIA

So, Wendy. What is that thing? [Points to the object.] You still haven't told us.

WENDY

I believe you and Sony haven't made a guess yet. Try to guess what it is first.

MARIA

It's like TV, right?

WENDY

Correct.

MARIA

Isn't this one of those things that they call smart TV? You know, the kind you can speak to and make it perform many functions? I saw a commercial of that the other day. You just say "hey, smart TV, record channel 13 from 8 to 10 PM on Sunday" and TV just does the recording for you.

WENDY

No, that's not it.

KEVIN

Isn't it unbelievable that TV is becoming smarter than us these days? Pretty soon it's going to do everything for you. You just say "hey, smart TV, feed the dog."

SONY

OK.

KEVIN

[Being amused] Hey, smart TV, cook corn flakes.

SONY

OK.

KEVIN

Hey, smart TV, mow the lawn.

SONY

[Pronouncing it unintelligibly, not knowing what was said] Vow da ruwn?

KEVIN

Smart TV, forget it.

SONY

OK.

MARIA

Smart TV, do the tax return for me.

SONY

OK.

WENDY

Smart TV, beat the heck out of my boyfriend Godot who is nowhere in sight.

SONY

OK.

KEVIN

Smart TV, give me high-five.

[SONY and KEVIN exchange high-five.]

MARIA

Smart TV, do Hamlet.

SONY

To be or not to be, ......and something.

HILLARY

Oh, aren't you people silly.

WENDY

Nothing wrong with it. Although Kevin didn't make much sense. Kevin, what do you mean "cook corn flakes"? You can't cook that.

KEVIN

I don't know. I guess I am becoming hungry.

MARIA

Actually, me, too. So many things have been happening.

WENDY

Shall we order food?

[Everyone nods in agreement.]

WENDY

Damn, I don't remember where I put my menus.

KEVIN

Smart TV, get me menus.

MARIA

Stop. Wendy, call 1-800-FOOD. I think they deliver you any kind of food in twenty minutes.

WENDY

You are kidding.

MARIA

No, I'm not. Here, call them.

[MARIA hands her cellular phone to WENDY.

WENDY dials 1-800-FOOD.]

[OPERATOR once again appears in the same spot.

This time she speaks in mechanic voice.]

OPERATOR

Thank you for calling the Food Network. We deliver any kind of food to your place in twenty minutes. Now, if you would like to order Chinese food, press 1; for Indian food, press 2; for Italian food, press 3; for other kind of food, press 4.

WENDY

[To others] What shall we order?

MARIA

This is very impressive, isn't it? It's fully computerized.

HILLARY

Then maybe all they sell is microwaved food.

KEVIN

Looking at it from that angle, I think pizza is the safest choice.

MARIA

Pizza is fine by me.

HILLARY

As a health care expert, I must warn you that pizza is high-risk food because of high calorie. But I will go along this time.

WENDY

O.K. So I guess it's number 3. [Press 3.]

OPERATOR

If you would like to proceed in Italian, press 1. To continue in English, press 2.

WENDY

This is great. This thing is bi-lingual.

KEVIN

Wendy, didn't you say you took Italian in high school? Maybe we should proceed in Italian. This is your chance to brush up on it.

WENDY

I don't remember much Italian. Except how to say "thank you" and "how are you." I don't remember much about what I learned in high school anyway. Hillary, you are so smart you must know Italian.

HILLARY

I only know English and French and German and Spanish and Russian.

WENDY

So we shall have to proceed in English. [Press 2.]

OPERATOR

Are you sure you don't want Chinese? Our egg rolls are unbelievable. The Village Voice gave our egg rolls four stars. If you change your mind and order Chinese, press 1. If not, press 2.

MARIA

[Jokingly] Well, if the Village Voice says so, we may have to reconsider. You know, it's the greatest paper there is.

WENDY

[Mockingly] The Village Voice is for smart people like Hillary. I never understand a word they print. Screw them. [Press 2.]

OPERATOR

Are you absolutely, totally, completely sure? This is the last chance you will have to order Chinese. Press 1 for Chinese, 2 for Italian.

KEVIN

This thing sounds menacing. Maybe we ought to order Chinese.

WENDY

No, we mustn't give into intimidation. [Press 2.]

OPERATOR

Before ordering, please participate in our customer survey.

MARIA

Oh my god. This is getting really weird.

OPERATOR

How many times a week do you place an order for food? Please punch in that number.

HILLARY

I guess it's a legitimate question for them to ask.

WENDY

Well, I'll say twice a week. [Press 2.]

OPERATOR

How do you prefer your egg to be cooked? Press 1 for rare, 2 for medium, 3 for well done.

MARIA

It's a good question but I don't think you say rare eggs.

WENDY

I like hard-boiled eggs so I will say 3. [Press 3.]

OPERATOR

Do you know what MSG stands for? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

KEVIN

It's mono sodium something. Hillary, you must know.

HILLARY

Unfortunately, I didn't learn that in law school.

SONY

That be Madison Square Garden?

WENDY

Well, we are not sure. [Press 2.]

OPERATOR

Do you think there is a cure for AIDS? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

MARIA

Here is a wacky question.

WENDY

I have no idea how to answer this. Hillary, what do you think?

HILLARY

[Solemnly] We can only believe in the advancement of science.

WENDY

As always, I fail to comprehend your intelligent remark, but I interpret that as yes. [Press 1.]

OPERATOR

Do you think there is God? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

KEVIN

Where are they going with these question?

WENDY

I don't know. Hillary, the answer?

HILLARY

We are all scientific, rational individuals. We don't believe in god. The answer is no.

WENDY

OK. [Press 2.]

OPERATOR

How can you say there is no God! Without God, there is no love. Shame on you!

WENDY

I don't know. I think this system is screwed up. I want to hang up.

OPERATOR

Do you believe in that blasphemous idea called evolution? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

WENDY

I am no biologist, but in high school, I learned from my science teacher Ms. Chen that Darwin is right. I'll say yes. [Press 1.]

OPERATOR

It seems that you are destined for Hell but we will give you one more chance. Does Earth go around Sun or does Sun go around Earth? Press 1 for the former, 2 for the latter. Remember, if you screw up this time, there is no opportunity for salvation.

WENDY

Can I hang up now?

[Everyone nods in agreement. WENDY hangs up.

OPERATOR disappears.]

WENDY

Jesus, the world is going crazy.

[Beep sound. WENDY's fax machine is

receiving something.]

HILLARY

Wendy, your fuck machine is...[She realizes her mistake. Becomes embarrassed.]

[WENDY takes out from the fax machine what

was just sent. Reads it.]

WENDY

Well, let's see. "Operation Dostoevsky proceeds. The words are 'Then went the devils out of the man, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the lake, and were choked.'"

HILLARY

I am beginning to think that those quotes are some kind of codes. It's a secret message.

WENDY

Well, I don't think they should send secret message to me. It's quite annoying.

KEVIN

Forget it, Wendy. So, you are going to tell us what that thing is finally. [Points to the object.]

WENDY

Yes, after Sony guesses. By the way, I really wonder where Godot is.

HILLARY

He isn't going to show.

MARIA

Whatever. So, Sony, what do you think that is?

SONY

It resembling TV, right?

WENDY

That is right.

SONY

I know what is it, I think.

WENDY+MARIA+KEVIN+HILLARY

[Simultaneously] What is it?

SONY

Fuck TV.

[Silence]

WENDY

While I don't know what you exactly mean, Sony, I am fairly confident that your guess isn't right.

SONY

Really? I thought I been right because I know lots about television. My aunt is professor of TV science in Tokyo University.

WENDY

Your aunt is professor of TV science. That's interesting. What's your aunt's name, by the way?

SONY

Yoko.

[This time, MARIA covers KEVIN's ears before

SONY finishes saying "Yoko," so KEVIN does not

faint.]

KEVIN

Thanks, Maria.

MARIA

No problem. For some reason I knew it was coming. [To Wendy] You should show us what it is now, Wendy.

HILLARY

Yeah, please. I am really curious now.

WENDY

All right. I guess this is the moment we have been waiting for.

[WENDY approaches the object. She takes off a

white cloth from that thing. What's revealed

is a thing that looks like TV with telephone on top.]

[Silence. Guests are trying to guess exactly

what the thing is.]

HILLARY

To me, it looks like a regular TV.

MARIA

Yeah. And the telephone is on top of it.

WENDY

Has it occurred to you, that those two are related?

[Another silence.]

KEVIN

Oh, no. Could it be it?

WENDY

Yes, it absolutely could.

MARIA

Oh my god, it's unbelievable. So that's what it is.

HILLARY

Excuse me. I'm still not clear.

MARIA

Oh, you brainy Hillary, don't you get it?

HILLARY

No.

MARIA

It's TV-phone!

[With that said, everyone rushes and surrounds

TV-phone. Everyone looks at it closely and

touches it, admiring.]

KEVIN

It's really neat. I didn't even know this was on market.

WENDY

Well, it's very new.

MARIA

This is most fashionable. It must have been expensive.

WENDY

Very.

HILLARY

Help me understand. So this is like visual phone. You call

someone and that person will be on this screen and you will be on the screen of that person's TV-phone.

WENDY

That is correct.

KEVIN

It's like Star-Trek. It's like "The Blade Runner." I have seen this on sci-fi movies but I never thought there would be a day when I am actually touching one of these. I am very really excited about this.

WENDY

You have every reason to be excited.

MARIA

Wendy, I'm very jealous of you now. This is the neatest thing that I saw in a very long time.

WENDY

Thank you, thank you, thank you. [Up till now, she has been trying very hard to contain her pride.]

SONY

Can we call someone using TV-phone?

[Silence. Since until now it hasn't occurred

to anyone to actually use TV-phone. Everyone

is contemplating the idea.]

MARIA

[Excited] That would be really exciting.

KEVIN

[Excited] I'm dying to see it work.

WENDY

[Slowly] Actually, I haven't used this yet.

MARIA

[Excited] So this will be the first time.

KEVIN

[Excited] Who are we going to call?

WENDY

[Slowly] Well, I don't know.

[Silence]

HILLARY

[Slowly, trying to organize her thoughts] I am beginning to think, Wendy, that in order for this to function, the person receiving the call needs to have TV-phone as well. Otherwise I don't know where your TV-phone will get the visual from.

WENDY

I think you are right. The person I call must have TV-phone.

HILLARY

Do you know anyone who has TV-phone?

WENDY

No.

[Silence]

SONY

So you can't use it.

KEVIN

Sony, can't you put it more subtly? I think you are making Wendy upset.

WENDY

I'm not upset. [Yet she is visibly upset.] Oh my god, I'm so stupid. I can't believe how stupid I am. I was really excited to have bought this TV-phone that it never occurred to me to actually use it. And come to think of it, I can't use this thing until someone I know buys one of these. I didn't think about that. I must be the stupidest person on this planet.

[Now everyone is trying to console her.]

MARIA

No, no, you aren't stupid. You know, no one is perfect. Listen to what I did the other day. I made a really stupid mistake. I was making American cheese omelet and instead of American cheese, I used Swiss chess.

KEVIN

Man, that's a stupid mistake! I can't believe you did that!

HILLARY

Maria, you can qualify for the Stupid People Olympic!

WENDY

But I don't even know how to cook. I'm not even capable of making the mistake you made. I'm so pathetic. [Becomes more depressed.]

KEVIN

Listen to my mistake, Wendy. The other day I was shooting photographs and I forget to take the cover off from the lens!

MARIA

Gee, I've never heard anyone doing more stupid thing!

HILLARY

Kevin, do you have any brain in your head?

WENDY

That's nothing. The last time I touched a camera, I dropped and broke it. [Becomes even more depressed.]

HILLARY

Listen to the mistake smart Hillary made the other day, Wendy. I was discussing what biology as a scientific discipline can contribute to the feminist theory and I made a factual error when I said that Ruth Hubbard's latest book is about......

WENDY

I don't even know what you are talking about, Hillary. It just shows how inadequate I am. [Becomes most depressed.]

HILLARY

What can we do to cheer her up? Whatever we say doesn't seem to make any difference.

KEVIN

Maybe we should just leave her alone. Maybe we should all go home.

MARIA

Yes, I think we should go.

[Everyone gets up and prepares to leave. It

now seems that this play is ending.]

HILLARY

I am sorry you are feeling bad, Wendy. Just remember what they used to say about Katharine Hepburn in the thirties.

WENDY

I don't understand what you are saying but thanks anyway.

KEVIN

Please give us a call when you are feeling better.

SONY

Adios.

MARIA

[Abruptly] What about this? I just thought of it, Wendy. Kevin and I will purchase this TV-phone as soon as possible. We'll then be able to chat on TV-phone.

[Now everyone is happy because a solution is

found.]

WENDY

[Happily] That's a great idea. Then I'll be able to use TV-

phone.

KEVIN

[Happily] Great. And I'm somehow sure I can get a discount from Sony.

SONY

Yes, sure.

MARIA

Are you really?

SONY

Yes, yes. Give me your phone. I'll get you mixed up with someone I know.

MARIA

Wendy, let’s take care of this. Let me make the this phone call now. [Hand her cellular phone to Sony]

[Sony punches in some number to the phone,

then hands it back to MARIA. OPERATOR

appears in the same spot.]

MARIA

Hello!

OPERATOR

[In a deep voice] Yes?

MARIA

I would like to purchase TV-phone from you. I believe you are going to give us a discount.

OPERATOR

I'm not quite sure if I know what you are talking about.

MARIA

[To Sony] To whom am I supposed to be speaking?

SONY

Insane Eddie.

MARIA

Are you Insane Eddie?

OPERATOR

No. This is Lorena B. speaking. You have reached the Psychic Phone Line.

MARIA

[To Sony] Sony, you dialed the number wrong.

SONY

Oops.

WENDY

Wait. Did you get to one of those psychic lines?

MARIA

Yeah.

WENDY

I need spiritual guidance to cure my stupidity. Let me talk to one of them psychics.

[MARIA hands her phone to WENDY.]

WENDY

Hello.

OPERATOR

Yes. My name is Lorena B. and I am the greatest psychic of all. Now, what would you like me to do? Predict your future?

WENDY

Ah, I want to know about my future but first I want to know why I am so stupid.

OPERATOR

So you want to reach deeper into your inner soul. OK. That will be fifty dollars. We accept VISA or Mastercard.

WENDY

Fifty Dollars! That's expensive.

MARIA

Wendy, make her prove that she is a good psychic first. Don't pay until you know what you're getting.

WENDY

That's smart. Hey, Lorena, prove to me that you are a legitimate psychic.

OPERATOR

You should just believe in me, but if you want proof, all right. Just tell me your name, blood type, and who your favorite authors are.

WENDY

My name is Wendy Thomas. My blood type is AB. And my favorite authors are Salman Rushdie and Robert James Waller.

[OPERATOR meditates a while.]

OPERATOR

Your father is a very powerful man. Everyone has seen him on TV, and everyone thinks he is very funny.

WENDY

That's true.

[OPERATOR meditates some more.]

OPERATOR

And I believe you are about to be killed by some hit men. You and your friends are in great danger.

WENDY

What?

OPERATOR

Oh, yes. You most certainly are. Get out of there. Hurry!

WENDY

[To Maria] I think she is crazy.

MARIA

I think you had better hang up.

WENDY

Yeah.

OPERATOR

Wendy, listen. Great danger! Leave now!

[Doorbell rings.]

MARIA

Is that Godot?

WENDY

I think so. I can't believe how late he is. Maria, will you let him in?

[MARIA gets the door. AGENT A and AGENT

B storm into the room, each of them holding

a gun. They are wearing totally black

clothing and maybe a mask.]

[Everyone is shocked. AGENT A and AGENT

B, in the meantime, tie up and put a gag

on MARIA, KEVIN, SONY and OPERATOR. Then

they face WENDY and HILLARY, pointing guns at

them.]

WENDY

Who the hell are you?

AGENT A

That's not important.

WENDY

Of course it is. You can't do this. You can't come into my apartment and tie up everyone and point a gun at me. It's a crime, you know that?

HILLARY

Wendy, I don't think there is any doubt that these two gentlemen are related to criminal activities.

AGENT A

That's right. Now, where is the fax?

SONY

[With a gag on his mouth, speaks out.] Fuck?

AGENT A

That's right. You were not supposed to see those faxes. Some idiot in my organization sent it to a wrong number, which is here, and now the whole operation is messed up.

HILLARY

I'm sorry to hear that.

AGENT A

Shut up. Where are they? I know you've got them.

HILLARY

Yes, three of them. They are on the table.

[AGENT A quickly picks them up from the

table, reads them, and puts them inside

his pocket.]

AGENT A

[To AGENT B] OK. We got them. Stimpy, what shall we do now?

AGENT B

I don't know, Ren.

AGENT A

But you are the one who heard the order from the boss. What did he say we should do after we retrieve the faxes?

AGENT B

I don't remember. I don't think he said anything about it.

AGENT A

Stimpy, you idiot. You know we can't just leave this place. What are we going to do with these people?

AGENT B

Shall we kill them all?

[WENDY, HILLARY, MARIA, KEVIN and OPERATOR

jump up simultaneously. Afterward, SONY

imitates what everyone else did.]

HILLARY

Come on. Be reasonable. Don't kill us. We will be quiet about this. We won't say anything about this to anybody. Come to think of it, we don't even know what your so-called operation is about.

AGENT B

It's about PCS and CT2. And TDMA.

AGENT A

Stimpy, you idiot. You told them. Now we must kill them.

WENDY

But those things don't mean a thing to me. I just heard some acronyms I didn't understand. In fact, I forget them already.

HILLARY

Wait. Don't those things have to do with wireless communication technologies?

AGENT B

Yes, you are correct.

WENDY

Hillary, you idiot. Now we know what it's about, they will kill us!

AGENT A

Yeah, it now seems that we must kill you. ......On second thought, you still know too little. Maybe it's not worth the bother. For instance, they don't know what our organization was going to do. Right, Stimpy?

AGENT B

Right, Ren. They don't know that our team was going to break into a laboratory and steal their technology.

AGENT A

Stimpy......it's too late. Now they know everything.

WENDY

No, that's not true! A laboratory? Technology? We don't know the specifics, you see, so we are harmless!

HILLARY

Wendy, don't you remember that I was talking about it earlier? About some small New York laboratory making a discovery about wireless technology? About the future where everyone will be carrying cellular phones? That telephone is going to play more important role in our lives?

AGENT B

Very good. That information was what we were after. See, we are good at these things because we used to be spies. We became unemployed after the Cold War was over, so now what we do is to steal information and sell it to whoever wants it.

HILLARY

So you are like a high-tech spy.

AGENT A

Very good. Now I can't think of anything that you don't know about.

HILLARY

Oh, my god. We'll be killed! What was I doing?

WENDY

You were showing off your brain power. That's your tragic flaw.

HILLARY

Wendy, isn't this ironic? We were concerned with telephone for a whole day and now they are going to kill us because of telephone.

WENDY

I am hardly in a situation where I can think about irony, but I suppose you are right.

AGENT A

Sorry about this. It's all Stimpy's fault. I'll make it as painless as possible. It's very simple. I just have to shoot your brain at a particular angle. Now, who wants to go first?

[Silence. Then WENDY's phone begins ringing.

AGENT B hits it with his fist and it stops

ringing.]

AGENT A

Don't think about rescue. Life isn’t like a play. What was the last play I saw? "Waiting for Godot." That was really weird.

[Another phone ring.]

AGENT A

Is there another phone?

HILLARY

That has to be Maria's cellular phone.

[AGENT B finds MARIA's phone and hits

it with his fist. It stops ringing.]

AGENT A

No volunteers? OK. I'll start with her.

[AGENT A points his gun at OPERATOR's

head. OPERATOR shakes her head as if to

say there is a terrible mistake.]

[Yet another phone ring.]

AGENT A

[Annoyed] Jesus. How many phones here?

WENDY

That's Kevin's phone, I think.

[AGENT B finds KEVIN's phone and hits it

with his fist. It stops ringing.]

AGENT A

OK. This is the end. I am very sorry about this.

[SONY suddenly sets himself free of the rope

that was around his body. He takes off the

gag and walks to the left side of the stage.]

AGENT A

[Upset that Sony escaped the rope] Hey, where are you going?

SONY

Pardon?

AGENT A

Where are you going?

SONY

Pardon?

HILLARY

Speak more slowly. You know, English is difficult for foreigners.

AGENT A

[Slowly] Where are you going?

SONY

Oh, Bathroom.

AGENT A

What?

SONY

I must, you know... [Struggles for a word.]

AGENT B

Pee-pee.

SONY

That's it. Thank you.

HILLARY

Sony, I thought you were tied up.

SONY

What?

HILLARY

What did you do to these ropes? [Points to the ropes.]

SONY

Oh, karate. You know, Japanese marshal art.

WENDY

Are you good at karate, Sony?

SONY

Black belt.

WENDY

Can you beat these guys up?

SONY

Of course!

WENDY

Could you do that for me?

SONY

Sure.

[SONY approaches AGENT A and AGENT B. They

receive SONY's karate chops and collapse on

the floor without resistance. WENDY and

HILLARY free MARIA, KEVIN and OPERATOR.

OPERATOR then disappears from the stage.]

WENDY

Sony, that was unbelievable. Thank you.

SONY

You are welcome.

HILLARY

I just wish you revealed your talent a little earlier.

KEVIN

What shall we do with these thugs? [Points to AGENT A and AGENT B on the floor.]

WENDY

We must notify the authority. We must call 911. [Tries her phone.] My telephone is completely broken. Maria, what about yours?

MARIA

[Examining her cellular phone] Mine, too. Kevin, what about yours?

KEVIN

[Examining his cellular phone] No, it's not working.

HILLARY

None of the phones are working. We must run to the police station quickly so we can report this!

WENDY

Okay. Then, let's go.

[WENDY, HILLARY, MARIA, SONY and KEVIN

leave the stage.]

[A little while later, enter GODOT. He

rushes into the room with flowers in his

hand.]

GODOT

I'm really sorry, Wendy. It's me, Godot. I'm really late. Wendy, where are you? [Steps on AGENT A and AGENT B on the floor.] Wow, what is this? Who are they? What's going on? Wendy!

[GODOT leaves the stage.]

[The curtain falls.]