Marshmallow Peeps: Harbingers of Doom for the Human Race?

by Hermester Barrington


"Destroy All Peeps!!!"
Marshmallow Peeps, Mountain Dew, and polystyrene,
Copyleft Fayaway & Hermester Barrington, February 28, 2009

Various food industries are actually involved in the destruction of the human race as we know it. For example, Borden Foods, which makes ketchup and other condiments, is located in Chatsworth, CA. That rings a few bells right there: a reference to Lizzie Borden right in the heart of Manson-Land, USA? But that is small potatoes compared to the horror that takes place in a certain candy factory on the east coast.

It is easy enough for the uninformed citizen to see that Marshmallow Peeps are evil. Certainly they are made of nothing organic or even of this world. They are sickeningly sweet, they taste awful, and they come in a variety of colors which could only be born out of such fires as burn at Chernobyl and Three Mile Island.

An aesthetic distaste for these loathsome creatures is merely child's play compared to the horrible truth about these monsters. To understand this conspiracy, one must first know the poem "The Second Coming" by William Butler Yeats.



Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand;
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again: but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

To state the main ideas of the poem, the poet has a vision of the impending doom of the human race. And what form will this doom take? An unnamed "rough beast" which slouches towards Bethlehem.

If you have been following the logic so far, you will have already realized that the rough beast is none other than the Marshmallow Peep. First of all, look at their skin: it is indeed rather scabrous for candy, which is usually smooth to the touch. And no one can deny that the Peep, which looks like a chicken, does indeed take on the form of a beast to carry out its nefarious plans.

There are other clues, too, clues which the agents of our destruction hide in plain sight. Note that this creature slouches towards Bethlehem to be born. It is not surprising, then, that the company which makes these vile droplets of diabolically animated sugar bears the name "Just Born" and is located in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania! It is as if some part of the humanity left to the owners of this business is crying out for someone to stop them before the moon drips with blood!

So far, they seem harmless enough, but no one who has ever eaten one of these is ever quite right again. Even I myself, a Mountain Dew addict, cannot fathom the attraction of these things. No sooner do you place them in your mouth than they begin to slide down your throat, coating your esophagus with their luminescent slime as they worm their way into your kidney, where they take up residence for a few days as they brood their unholy spawn. They then exit your body in the normal fashion, but unharmed and undigested, along with their offspring, to join their blasphemous brethren in the sewers, where they rule over their minions, the blind albino alligators.

As yet, they are apparently nothing more than a plague, a disease, which causes considerable discomfort to the individual whose body is used as a host. However, who can say when they will develop superior intelligence? Why else would a mega-million dollar industry be involved in this? We must be ever vigilant!

Fortunately, there is a solution. They are inert until ingested (though they do exhibit a weak sort of mind control--why else would anyone eat even one, let alone a whole package?) and, when boiled in Mountain Dew, are reduced to a sludge which can then be poured down the drain. Do not, however, use your own kitchen sink or toilet. Visit a public place, or the house of a neighbor, and use their facilities. Then GET OUT OF THERE! Their siblings in the sewers, upon discovering the sludge that was once kin, will visit destruction upon anyone in the vicinity of the drain. Many unexplained deaths can be solved this way.

Do your part. Whenever you encounter these foul creations, destroy them. Unborn generations will thank you for it, and the apocalypse may be safely put off for another 40 years, if we are fortunate.

I wish to express my gratitude to El Físico Nuclear, who informed me that Yeats' poem would reveal the truth about the coming End of Time.

© 2007 Hermester Barrington




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