The Tool The Bitch The Dick

Janet Reno's Elianators

Team owner/GM: Bill Enos
Team owner/GM: Chris Farrell

Hometown: Sacramento, CA
Best Finish: ???


JRE's JULY 2000 NEWS:

Elian is gone. But the spirit of all things sensationalized in the name of personal agendas lives on in his wake. And thank God for that! We here at JRE are very happy for a couple reasons: 1) Alex Fernandez is out for the season. You may not think this is something to revel about, but Alex is the King of Personal Agendas. And his agenda was to be a baby, take home his exorbitant paycheck, and sit out for the rest of the year. Plus he was pitching like sh*t. And he's fat. Guess who will be in the draft next year...! 2) We finally got a new shortstop. Sure, Alex Gonzalez was hitting a solid .159 for the year, but it was his lack of stolen bases that really bothered us. Oh yeah, and his lack of home runs...and rbi's, and the fact that all of our pitchers had higher batting averages than he did... We enthusiastically welcome the non-Marlin: Tony Womack. Thanks to BC for making it happen... 3) Randall Simon was released by the Marlins about a month ago. He didn't play a day on our team, didn't play a day for the Marlins, but we had him, he was technically a Marlin, and now we have one less Marlin. Let the healing begin. We're still anxious to trade before the deadline passes - send us an email, we're ready to deal!


JRE's JUNE 2000 NEWS:

Yes, it's true, the Elianator managers have finally gotten off their asses to work on their web page. God Bless Janet. The Elianators are going through some difficult times lately - batting average has dramatically improved, but the RBI's are not following. Pitching has been strong, but our starters are having a difficult time closing the deal and sealing the "W". If you're desperate enough to be checking our page for any reason, please take this opportunity TO CONSIDER A TRADE WITH US. Although we really don't want to have to resort to begging, PLEASE, WE BEG OF YOU. We will consider trading any of our pitchers - starters or relievers. Shane Reynolds? He's been money, could give you some reliable wins. Aguilera? Guaranteed to give you the saves you need. Fernandez? We promise he will piss you off - both on and off the field. All we ask for is home runs. A couple of reliable power hitters and you can pretty much take the pick of our litter. Think about it. Bribes are not out of the realm of possibility...


Official Press Release 4/28/00:

"In the wake of the embarassing one-day protest from Major League Baseball supported and led by many of the Florida Marlins, the owners of the Spendid Splinters announce the following:

"Splinters Announce Name Change in Wake of Embarassing Marlin Incident"

1. We officially change our name to: "JANET RENO'S ELIANATORS"

"Splinters announce Fire Sale on all Marlins due to baseball protest, announce: 'Janet Reno is a Visionary'"

2. Effective Immediately, all Elianator Florida Marlins must go: a fire sale on the following players: Alex Fernandez (P - 11A), Alex Gonzalez (SS - 3B), Derrek Lee (1B - 20D), Mark Smith (P - 1R) and Brant Brown (OF - 3A). Any and all offers can be made directly to Elianator owners Bill Enos or Chris Farrell. Don't sell yourself short, cash in now while we're disgusted and disgraced. WE WILL SERIOUSLY CONSIDER EACH AND EVERY OFFER, INCLUDING KREUTER FOR THE LOT. (A side note here - any offer that includes a Marlin will be laughed at, and we will use our extensive sources to get Bobby Knight to wave some used toilet paper at you. Please treat this situation with the tact and integrity that it so deserves.)

"Alex Fernandez is a Dick," - Splinters to Dump Marlins and Change Name in Wake of Elian Saga

3. We would like to officially apologize to each and every No Fehr owner regarding the actions of our Marlin players. Especially Alex Fernandez. Grow up Alex. You're in America, not Cuba. And you're making millions for playing a game for god's sake. You make me sick. Stop your whining, shut your trap and play ball.

Anyway, please accept our apology and join the grass-roots support that has started for our new name and theme for the year. Thank you in advance for your support."




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