Rabboisai,
Toirah is universal, you minuval. It belongs to everyone, not just that long, white bearded rebbe in the eleventh grade with rotting teeth who drove in from Brooklyn every day in order to berate you for reading the newspaper, while all along he kept a copy of the Times on his lap during chavrusa time..
Consequently, I am pleased to share with you the Psak Halacha developed by my collaborator, the RABAM. The RABAM heads the San Francisco area branch of Yeshivas Chipass Emmess, and also heads up Yeshiva fundraising to the West Coast Asian, Hispanic, High Tech, and pot-smoking-hippie communities. Please show the RABAM the same respect you would show me. That is: stand up wen he enters the room, address him as "Rebbe," and for Rebboinoisheloilum's sakes, please don't chew traifus gum while reading his Psak, you minuval.
Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
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The RABAM On Tefillin
In light of recent controversial statements in the media regarding tefillin, I feel compelled to respond to a shailah from a talmid here on the West Coast.
To quote:
"Tire Rabbi, some homies of mine want to acknowledge all of our non-Orthodox friends who will be marching in the Gay Pride Parade in SF on June 26th..
As frummer Yidden, we of course won't take part, chass v’sholom, but we were wondering, as a shout-out to them, can we commemorate their cause through our own unique Jewish tradition?
Signed: Talmuddled.
Dear Muddle,
While I am absolutely baffled as to why the Goyim need a parade, ferevvinsakes they seem to have everything else already, it is commendable that you want to curry favo..., I mean, show your solidarity with their struggle, whatever that may be. At a minimum, you should support their cause, if only so you can raise retail prices along the parade route.
With regard to recognizing their cause through Jewish tradition, I am reminded of the teachings of the RAMBAM, who holds that Goyim may perform all mitzvos except keeping shabbos. So logically, as long as this Goy Pride business does not take place on the Sabbath, you can use a Jewish tradition that is not permissible on Shabbos but allowed during the rest of the week. The appropriate tradition that comes to mind is tefillin. What better way to celebrate Goy Pride than by binding yourself up in leather straps!
There are of course different styles of tefillin, rooted in longstanding halachic debates. Reb Yoisef Karo says that an Aimishteh fearing person should cater to both sides on the issue of tefillin (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim chapter 34), and consequently advocates plurality. As a result, the Mechaber himself chose to wear both RASHI and Rabbeinu Tam tefillin.
On the other hand, my ancestor, the Rebbe of Prolicz, followed the minhag of the Mortifeier Rebbe, who was in the habit of wearing six pairs of Tefillin - Rashi, Rabbeinu Tam, Raavad, Arizal, and Shimusha Rabbah, plus one extra to cover any possible oversight. In order to tell them apart, each of his pairs of tefillin was a different solid color – black, blue, pink, red, mauve, and fusha -- except for the Arizal, which was rainbow-hued and adorned with fancy brass studs.
In our day, the minhag of multiple tefillin has been widely adopted. Many self-styled Chassidim think they do enough if they only put on two pairs – RASHI and Rabeinu Tam. But numerous Rabbis, Rosheshivas, and Yoga instructors, in keeping with their status as spiritual leaders and guardians of halacha, choose to wear at least three kinds of Tefillin - regular, pink, and rainbow.
While tefillin in previous generations would have been a financial burden, today they are affordable for almost everyone, and there are many Orthodox organizations that ensure that even the poorest of our brethren can fulfill the mitzvos. I therefore urge all who read this to acquire at least three sets of tefillin - pink, rainbow, plain black (which goes with everything!). I also encourage you to be machmir and buy a pair in pastel for those hot summer days.
Additionally, as being b'zochei the commandment increases good in the world, it would be a good thing if you were to acquire a fifth pair, in case you have a friend sleeping over.
How should one select their Tefillin?
When selecting tefillin, make sure that the leather is heavy duty, so that excessive handling of your straps won't cause them to go limp.
Additionally, with all the fine leather devices available nowadays – studded straps, chaps, restraints, choke collars, diapers, and tight upper body garments, it is a hiddur mitzvah to spare no expense in obeying the commandments to the maximum extent possible, and then some. According to Reb Chaim Liberace, ALL tefillin types must have metal studs (which you can find on Folsom Street in San Francisco, or in stores run by the Saddomesacher Chasidim in all major cities), to remind the wearer that the mitzvos are both a blessing and a burden.
There is no Talmudic ruling regarding size, other than the statement that there is room on the head and the arm for two pair of tefillin, and according to Shimusha Rabbah (The Great Steward, aka 'Two Fingers'), the dimensions have to be minimally as much as a shot glass of tequila, so anything up to a watermelon in size is permissible - good news for those readers who are bodybuilders or are farsighted ("and you shall look thereon to remember").
The Proper Way To Lay Tefillin
First, take the tefillin out for a few drinks. Next, strap the arm, then put on the head tefillin, then finish strapping the hand and fingers for each set of tefillin.
Note: There is no merit to the mitzvah if you accidentally tie yourself up because you can't remember which lash goes where. The Macrameier Rebbe accidentally hanged himself because he was not paying attention.
To prevent the extra weight of the tefillin excessively building muscle in what is supposed to be the weaker arm, the Mortifeier customarily tied the straps so tightly that his arm would appear white! Such kedusha! Our age has no Tzadikim of such saintliness.
When the Mortifeier Rebbe died suddenly of gangrene after preparing for Yom Kippur by wearing his Tefillin for the entire month of Elul, each of his sons inherited a pair of the Rebbe's tefillin, but none of them could agree who would take the rainbow coloured pair. They finally decided to give them to his young companion Yoisif, as he was the comfort of the Rebbe's old age - provided he would allow them to fondle the studs once a week.
Further note: For the 'angst' crowd (those who wear black), it is appropriate that the script on the parchments in the batim should be Arizal. Otherwise, Bais Yoisef for Ashkenazim, Vellish for Sephardim, and Devanagari for New Age and Renewal Movement.
Sollst bleybn gesunt,
RABAM
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess [West Coast]
