With The Commentary of the RABAM
Be chukosai =In my decrees. The first phrase of the parsha reads: “im be chukosai teyileichu”( if you will walk in my decrees). This, the final parsha of Vayikra, deals with punishment, control issues, and perversions, but ends on a note of promise and redemption - very strange.
In this week's parsha, Parshas Bechukoisai, we read about the reward and punishment promised us by the Reboinoisheloilum for fulfilling, or violating, His commandments. RASHI asks a pertinent question: Why does the Aimishteh offer us only ten quick Pesukim (verses) of promised reward, while He gives us three times that -- over thirty graphic Pesukim -- warning of harsh consequences? Aren't we under enough pressure? What's pshat, for Hakadoshboruchhu's sake?
Rashi - Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaki (1040 - 1105), a French exegete who sets the tone for exegesis. His Talmud and Torah commentaries are piercing and insightful. Read him.
Pshat = The simple straightforward meaning or explanation. Psukim = Verses of scripture.
Ha Kadosh Boruch Hu = The Holy One Blessed is He.
According to the Rabbeinu Tam, on the morning when this parsha was written, the Reboinoisheloilum was having a bad day. As the Medrish Rabbah tells us, when He was not busy studying Toirah, the Aimishteh kept Himself busy doing day trading. And on that morning, He had taken a strong position on a networking stock based on a rumor of a takeover, only to find out that there were serious accounting and reporting errors by the auditing firm of Goldberg, Aronowitz and Schwartz. So He wasn't feeling that sympathetic to Klal Yisroel. And who can blame Him? Believe me, He lost more money that day than you earn in a whole year, you Minuval!
Rabbeinu Tam = Rabbi Yakov Ben Meyer (1100 - 1170), a grandson of Rashi. His nickname is taken from the description of Yakov as a forthright man (tam), in contrast to his brother Esav who was twisted.
Medrish Rabbah = Biblical legends and allegories dating to the Talmudic era.
Day trading = The trading of stocks with a view to immediate profit, buying and selling according to real-time changes in the market. The effective day trader buys stock at the beginning of an upward trend, and sells before it peaks, b’ezras Hashem. Waiting too long before selling, in order to make the most profit possible on that stock, is often disastrous - the stock may plunge faster than one can sell, and one may be tied up while other opportunities go by the wayside. Don't be greedy, but do be quick, and take advantage of brief bursts of market activity. To play this game one should have six figures to invest - but for HKBH's sake do not bet your retirement on this.
Reporting errors = The Aimishteh’s long term investment, Klal Yisroel, buggered up his short term investment; cause for ire enough.
However, according to the RASHBAM, Hakadoshboruchhu had no ill will for Am Yisroel that day or any day for that matter. No, says the RASHBAM, on the contrary -- the Reboinoisheloilum loves us! We are His beloved nation, His chosen, His betrothed. However, we learn from this Parsha that the Aimishteh is really into S&M. "I will smite you sevenfold for your sins" (Perek Chuff-Vuv, Pasuk Chuff Daled) is the Toirah's equivalent of Hakadoshboruchhu handcuffing us to the bed and whipping us with His tfillin.
Rashbam = The brother of Rabbeinu Tam and the Ribam, Shmuel Ben Meyer (1083 - 1174), who held sheep and raised grapes, and was, irritatingly, a literalist.
"I will smite you sevenfold for your sins" = Vayikra 26:18 (the spanking possook)"ve im ad ele lo tishmeyu li veyasafti le-yasra et-chem sheva al chatoteichem" (And if even for these things you do not listen to Me, then I will swat you seven times more for your sins).
Tefillin = Leather boxes attached to the arm and forehead by leather straps. Teimani tfillin are best, according to some authorities – possibly because they are so well made that they can survive substantial wear and tear, and are ritually pure besides.
As proof, the RASHBAM points out that the end of the section includes the Reboinoisheloilum telling us ,"Even with all this, with you dwelling in the land of your enemies, I will not despise you to nullify my covenant with you I will recall my covenant with your forebears to be your Lord" (Perek Chuff-Vuv, Pasukim Mem Daled Mem Hey). According to the RASHBAM, the Aimishteh is telling us `stop crying, you little bitches you know you like it rough. Let me rub the pain away with my velvet yarmulke.'
Bitches = A female canine. Compare this with the mention in the Shir HaShirim, asher li Shlomo (The Song of Songs, which is Solomon’s): "Echezu l'anu shu'alim, shu'alim gesaniyim me chabelim" (Seize for us the foxes, the little foxes, that wreck the vines - Songs 2:15). Bitches and booze – quite a team.
The Toisfois Yuntif, however, disagrees with the RASHBAM, who he refers to as a "groisse pervert", pointing out that upon moving to Lithuania, the RASHBAM was compelled to register as a sex offender. Rather, says the Toisfois Yuntif, the Parsha teaches us that it is hard to be a Jew. If we look at all the Mitzvois Asey and Loi Sa'asey, they are hard to keep. Which comes more naturally to you on a Saturday morning? Turning on the TV and opening a beer, or getting into a suit, putting on a tie, and walking twelve blocks up a hill with your screaming kids only to sit next to some guy in shul who is shukkeling so much you would think he was going to drill a hole through the floor, when all the while his dandruff is the only thing coming between you and his unbrushed shabbos morning breath? Ich vais, how many of us can stand up to that challenge? Of course, we are all three times as likely to violate the commandment!
(Tosafos Yomtov = Reb Yomtov Lipman Halevi Heller (1579 – 1654), chief Rabbi of Prague, Ludmir, and finally Krakow, the author of Tosafos Yomtov (a Mishnah commentary which clarifies several problems and issues raised by the brevity of the Mishnah), Maadenei Melech, and Lecham Chamudos. He is buried in Krakow. A student of both the Maharal (Rabbi Yudah Loew of Prague, 1525 - 1609) and the Kli Yakar (Rabbi Shlomo Efrayim Luntchits, 1550 - 1619).
He knew firsthand how hard it is to be a Jew, having been imprisoned on the basis of a false accusation that he had defamed the teachings of the Catholic Church. Even though this was clearly not so, at that time it did not pay to prove powerful anti-Semites wrong, and he was imprisoned for forty days before being released – an event which he describes in Megillas Eivah (The Scroll of Hatred – the name is based on an alternative name for Megillas Eichah, which speaks of the destruction of Yerushalayim).
Mitzvas Asei = A positive commandment, of which there are two hundred and forty eight; there are 613 mitzvos in total. The others are all Lo sa’asei. Complete lists of mitzvos do not all agree, but there is considerable overlap, especially as regards mitzvos with a clear moral component, and mitzvos of no practical application since the destruction of the temple.
The Rambam (Rabbi Moishe Ben Maimon), who wrote about everything else under the sun, is the author of one of the most authoritative listings of commandments and the explanations for same: the ‘Sefer HaMitzvos’. As is to be expected, many people did not agree with his listing, but boruch Hashem they didn’t all write their own books.
Shukkeling = A rocking and a swaying, a bopping and a praying, a hip hop bippity bop wham bam boo! Praying with such intensity that one sways back and forth and even sideways, sometimes at great speed - think of pent up tension causing one to vibrate or have a fit. If people acted like that on the bus, they’d be chucked out pretty quick. Do not give someone doing this money for cheap liquor. Unless, of course, they are members of your shul. In which case I didn’t say anything!
With this in mind, chazzal has over the years developed a series of strategies to increase the odds of our success, guaranteeing happiness in this life and the World To Come. According to a famous Mishna in Perke Zayin of Pirkei Avois:
Chazal = Chachmeinu zichronam livracha (our sages of blessed memory); the wise men of the past, being the scholars who lived from the Talmud period through late mediaeval times.
World to come = Olam Ha Ba.
Strategies to increase the odds = Numbers. The name of the book after Vayikra.
Pirkei Avos = The Chapters Of The Fathers; a 6 perek section of the Mishna in the order Nezikin (damages), which deals with civil law. Halacha approaches problems not only reactively, but often pre-emptively as well, considering prevention and accord far better than punishment and penalties. Accordingly, preventing even the semblance of harm by dealing righteously and in kindly fashion with your fellow man is valued highly. Pirkei Avos, being a collection of maxims from the sages on proper behaviour and ethics, is instructional in this regard, hence its inclusion in the Talmud.
Perek Zayin = Chapter Seven; the mythic seventh chapter of Pirkei Avos, being of the diverse pirkei the shabbos perek, when the Avos rested and wrote not. Genug.
-- Rabbi Gamliel use to always carry extra money with him, so that whenever a beggar would come his way, we would always be able to be mekayaim the mitzvah of tezedakah
Rabban Gamliel = Gamliel HaZaken (Gamliel the elder), the grandson of Hillel and one of the scholars cited often in Talmud, who showed much sympathy with the poor, fools, and dead people. I’m not kidding. He amended funerary practices so that the poor would not bankrupt themselves on burials, advised that one should find oneself a teacher, and should not rebuke the fools who don’t, and instructed that the deceased be dressed in flaxen garments, which, by the way, are exceptionally comfy on hot summer days (Talmud Bavli, Maseches Gittin, kaf alef). No shatnez. Talk to your tailor.
Mekayim the mitvah of Tzedakah = Loyal to the commandment of charity. We are commanded to be righteous as regards our fellow man – Tzedek, tzedek tirdof . Note that ‘tzedek’, root of tzedaka, means both righteousness and charitability.
Yeshaya (Isaiah) said: "Tziyon be mishpat tipade ve shaveicha bi-tzedaka" - Zion by justice shall be redeemed, and her returnees by Tzedaka. (Yeshaya (Isaiah) 1:27).
In Proverbs we are advised: “so tzedaka u mishpat nivchar la Adonai mizavach" - Doing righteousness and justice are more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice. (Mishlei (Proverbs) 21:3).
Rabbi Akiva himself, when questioned by a mechutzaf on the issue of charity and consideration for the poor, said: 'If a father cast out his son, would he not evenso feel indebted to whoever gives food and shelter to his wayward boy? We are all Hashem's children - surely we are in accord with the will of heaven when we listen to the pleas of those who seek our aid' (Baba Batra, 10A.).
-- Rabbi Elazar Ben Azariah always kept a fully stocked bar, so that he was always ready to perform the mitzvah of Hachnosas Orchim
Rabbi Elazar Ben Azariah = Yet another of the sages of the Roman period (born circa 90 CE, petiro circa 155 CE), and an associate of both Rabbi Akiva and Rabbi Gamliel. He was charitable to infants and criminals, believing that the one should be brought into the beis medresh, the other not whacked unless absolutely necessary. He also focused on the value of deeds over wisdom.
The mitzvah of hachnosas orchim = The obligation to be kind and hospitable to strangers, welcoming of guests. Avraham’s brother Lot is the poster child of this, as is the old man from the hill-country of Efrayim who was settled in Gibeah (Judges 19:1 through 21:25). Both were more than willing to chuck their daughters out to the local yobbos, if only their guests would be left unmolested. This is a virtue? Oy! Far better to cast ones wine casks before the crowd – with enough liquor they will no longer be able to tell the difference between Esther’s bisulta and Haman’s horse (ad de lo yada).
Horse = An animal that can be ridden, resembling therein several other people.
The mitzvah of hachnosas orchim is one of the things for which there is reward both in this world (olam hazeh) and the next (olam haba), and, like Avraham Avinu, one should run to welcome guests – this explains the avidity with which many in shul will vie for the honour of putting up a guest for shabbos. Good food, good drink, and a comfortable bed.
-- Rabbi Akiva was concerned that he would be too distracted to kiss the mezuzah every time he went into a room. So, after trying mezuzahs made of silver, gold, Jerusalem stone, pottery, and glass, he had one custom built that looked like his wife's Erva, which he was always sure to kiss as he went into the room. Indeed, a Braisah in Nezikin tells us, after he put on a lot of weight in his later years, Rabbi Akiva discovered that if he spent a little extra time kissing the mezuzah, it made it much easier for him to get through the door.
Rabbi Akiva = One of the all-time greats of Judaism, who came to an unfortunate end after the Bar Kochba revolt against the Romans. Remember his snarky answer to the mechutzaf cited above? He also declared the Judean revolutionary leader Simeon Ben Kosiba (Bar Kochba) to be the Messiah. It did not pay to argue with anti-Semites– they had him flayed with iron combs after they had had more than enough of him. We, on the other hand, did not have nearly enough of him. Koved sayn ondenk.)
However, the Baal Shem Toiv vehemently disagrees with this approach.
According to the BESHT, "the Toirah is here to inspire us and guide our thinking, not to be taken literally." Consequently, he points out, the mitvois in the Toirah should be viewed as "voluntary guidelines," rather than laws, and the threats of punishment should be read as poetry for "spiritual contemplation purposes only". He adds that to enhance one's meditation on the text and Hisboidadus with the Shchina, his Chassidic followers should drink a minimum of five shots of vodka, while Mis-Nagdim should drink the same quantity of single malt scotch.
Ba’al Shem Tov, BESHT = Rabbi Yisroel Ben Eliezer (1698 – 1760), the master (ba’al) of the good name (shem-tov), a mystic from the Carpathian mountains who comforted a Jewry racked by agony over the Shabtai Zvi affair. After having been a teaching assistant, schoolteacher, beadle, and a shochet, he started teaching his philosophy to his fellow villagers, eventually drawing many to a new way of life. He was a teacher who placed prayer and devotion to Hashem, which had over the become displaced by rigid intellectualism and study, back at the centre of Jewish life. His disciples eventually came to be know as Chasidim (from Chesed = goodness), the traditionalists who opposed them as Misnagdim (mitnagdim = opposers).
The scholarly rabbis in the yeshivot of eastern Europe feared his teachings to be yet another messaianic movement, and disdained his straight-to-the-heart appeal to the common folk, which discounted years of study as the method to approach Hashem.
It is a mistake, however, to assume that the BESHT did not value the Talmud; let us say instead that he valued an ecstatic spiritual closeness to the master of the universe much more. Not everybody can be a talmid, and knowledge alone does not make a saint. Yet everyone, even a simple am-ha'aretz, can, through prayer, love of Hashem, and love for his fellow man, attain spiritual greatness. This was not a message that the traditionalists were thrilled to hear, but the oppressed kleyne mentshen of the shtettelech ate it up.
Since his day, the movement that his teachings gave birth to has evolved into several branches in several countries, many with semi-hereditary lineages at their helms. Amongst many others, in no particular order, Breslover, Bobover, Gerrer, Lubavitcher, Satmarrer, Skverrer. The differences among them are not necessarily minor, and it would wise not to assume that they associate with each other in perfect amity. Nor would it be correct to think that they do not value Talmudic knowledge - there have been many chassidim who were great scholars.
The Sfas Emes (The Lips of Truth, after his magnum opus, Rabbi Yehudah Leib Alter, b. 1847, d. 1905, second Gerrer Rebbe, grandson of the Chidushei HaRim) believed that learning is desirable, but it cannot be for its own sake; it should serve to accord us with the will of Hashem. How can we do this? By being intelligent witnesses to the world that Hashem creates, by using our intellectual muscles to observe and consider the world, by acquiring knowledge, weighing and analyzing what we learn and experience, and striving in Torah – and thus we will encounter the Presence wherever we are, and in everything we do. In other words, we gain knowledge in order to have the intellect to act consciously, and thus we may become aware of Hashem, despite the Hester Panim.
Hester Panim = The veiling of the face, which refers to the Aybishter’s hiding even the signs of his presence from our perception. Without this, the freedom to choose, and the blessing to choose wisely, would not adhere to our eimunah.
Hisbodidus = Spontaneous non-rigidly structured personal prayer. Eppes Chassidish!
Shechina = The Presence of the divine. In Kabbalah, this is often thought of as the female reverberation of the Almighty.
Five shots of vodka versus five shots of scotch = Alcohol, according to Rav Chanan in Sanhedrin 70A comforts mourners, and in Sanhedrin 38A we are told that one may know a scholar by his drinking habits. Shoyn. But why vodka and whiskey? Because it is written that one who remains lucid while stinko is equal in knowledge to the entire Sanhedrin (see Eruvin 65A).
The Titz Eliezer holds farkert - even a great scholar will sing like a canary when lacquered, but the difference is that a great scholar is worth listening to, and will explain the entire Torah in joyful detail. From this we learn that one should drink at night, after finishing one’s daily studies – a point also made by both Rambam and by Rashi (and Rashi, being a wine merchant, knew what he was talking about). In any case, to drink can clearly be a good thing.
So why whiskey or vodka? Simple -speed and efficiency! Cocktails achieve the same effect as wine much faster. Think gimlet, old-fashioned, Rob Roy, or even, apikoros, Bart Simpson’s favourite, the ‘legitimate businessman’s Manhattan’ (two ounces Bourbon, a dash dry Vermouth – shake and decant into a chilled glass, garnish with a Maraschino cherry). A few of those will have you, as the Yad Efrayim advises, “drowned in happy”.
Four such cocktails are very Purimish – Haman’s horse could go by, and it would be all the same as Esther’s erva; not that you could do anything to either at this point, you farzotsta meshker you.
Good single malts also belong in your repertoire; Laphroaig, Glen Dronach, Talisker – these are all fine brands. Guests will appreciate your good taste. And you may want to acquire a copy of the Sefer HaKaktelim by Reb Boston.
But the Vilna Goyn vehemently disagrees. He insists that you MUST take EVERY WORD in KOL HATOIRAH KOOLOH literally. In discussing Parshas Bechukoisai specifically, he notes that the Toichacha, the Rebuke and warnings of punishment, should be taken quite literally.
Vilna Goyn = The Gaon of Vilna (1720 – 1797), Rabbi Eliyahu Ben Shlomo Zalman, a Talmudist and Kabbalist who lead the opposition to Chassidus – of course he vehemently disagreed!
Tochacha – Criticism, rebuke. That section of Parshas Bechukosai in which we are told what will happen if we don’t act like civilized people.
But the Goyn doesn't stop there. He notes the references in the early Pesukim to Klal Yisroel's divinely driven success on the battlefield: "And you shall chase your enemies, and they shall fall beside you by the Cherev. And five of you shall chase one hundred, and one hundred of you shall chase ten thousand, and your enemies shall fall beside you by the Cherev" (Perek Chuff-Vuv, Pasukim Zayin Khess). Pointing at the Pasuk, he insists that the use of the term "Cherev", sword, MUST be taken literally. Consequently, says the Goyn, for AM Yisroel to maintain the favor of Hakadoshboruchhu, the Israeli army should follow Parshas Bechukoisai, set aside all of its advanced weapons, and arm its soldiers with swords ONLY. Any reliance on more modern weapons reflects a complete lack of faith, for which we should be banished "and sent back to Miami Beach" says the Goyn. Shoyn.
Miami Beach = A store on the Albert Kuyp street in Amsterdam with a fabulous collection of Caribbean music cd’s. Why the Goyn wants kol am Yisroel to go there is beyond me – I never knew he liked steel drums. But if you go there, look for Traffassi, Max Nijman, Jim Biervliet. Swingi man! Great lyrics. Have a cold bottle of Parbo beer or Red Stripe while listening.
I am reminded of a Maiseh Shehoya. The Chief Sephardic Rabbi of Israel, Shloimo Amor, was in New York, attending an important business meeting at a Korean massage parlor. As he walked into his special "meeting room," who should he bump into but the Chief Ashkenazic Rabbi of Israel, Yoina Metzger. After their respective happy endings, they sat down for coffee. They began to engage in a machloikess as to whether or not someone in New York may drink the tap water due to the risk of ingesting microscopic crustaceans. They both cited Toirah sources, Rabbinic teachings, and the broad body of Halachic tradition.
It became clear that Rabbi Amor had the better constructed teshuvah.
At that point Rabbi Metzger blurted out, " you may be better at reaching a Psak Halacha, but I am a much more accomplished felon!" He went on to cite his impending indictment for illegally accepting free hotel stays.
Rabbi Shlomo Amar, born in Morocco in 1948, made Aliyah in 1962, appointed chief Sephardi Rabbi of Israel in 2003. His son has been arrested in connection with the kidnapping and abuse of his daughter’s lover, by the way. His wife also had a hand in this. As well as two Arabs. Juicy!
Sephardim = Jews exiled from the Iberian lands (Sepharad = Spain), who settled in North Africa, the Ottoman empire, and Amsterdam, whose air makes men wise. Not to be confused with Mitzrahim (in Egypt), Italkim (go on, have a guess!), Teimani (Yemenite), and Bukhari Jews. The beverages recommended for all of these are not recorded, but one can hazard a guess. Cognac for North Africans, Gin for Mitzrahim, Grappa for Italkim, Raki for the Sephardim of the former Ottoman empire. Teimani and Bukhari Jews could drink anything (five shots), provided they reach the stage of devotion that is suitable – this will require much experimentation, and consulting of rabbinic authorities. No one should be denied halocholic hicstacy. Shikrus.
Rabbi Yonah Metzger, chief Ashkenazic Rabbi, accused in 2003 of inappropriate behaviour with other men (oyoyoy! Vos is gevehn ‘fondling’?). Additionally, there are serious allegations of fraud in his past, none of which served to discourage his nomination as chief Rabbi. This is a contemporary Gadol? From this we should emulate?
Machlokes = A Talmudic discourse or disputation.
Drinking microscopic crustaceans = Chayas or shrotzim. The presence of these creatures makes New York City tap water undrinkable, because it is not kosher. But buy Bodek, it is shrotzim-free.
Teshuvah = Return, repentance. But also response, and answer. So in this context, come-back. The answers of Rabbi Shlomo, and his refutations of statements by Rabbi Yonah.
Psak Halacha = A decision in accord with Jewish law (Halacha).
Illegally accepting free hotel stays = The accusation is that Rabbi Metzger accepted free hotel stays at the David Citadel Hotel in Yerushalayim, to the value of tens of thousands of Shekels. Add this to the allegations that he touchy-feelied a number of men, and his opposition to a gay pride parade in Yerushalayim becomes more than a little bit suspect, the more so as he and the other felon cited above are in opposing in cahoots with representatives of all the other religions they abhor (not a few of whom have their own legal problems). Image repair? Distraction? Just keep watching the other hand, folks, as it is becoming clear that ethical desiderata may not have been the key determinant in chief-rabbinical selection.
Rabbi Amor responded sharply, "no, you michutziff, I am the more accomplished felon. Just because my wife and son have been indicted for arranging the beating of my daughter's boyfriend, it doesn't mean I am innocent! I instigated the whole thing!"
At that, Rabbi Metzger stroked his beard slowly, and then exclaimed, "at least I don't eat rice on Pesach, you shaygitz!"
Rice on Peysach = Ashkenazim avoid several varieties of kitniyos on Peysach, due to the stringencies required for keeping kosher at that time, which by Sephardim are acceptable. Rice is considered a potential chometzdiches by Ashkenazim, but Sephardim are accustomed to allow its consumption 365.
So we should certainly take the Toirah literally. I know I do. In fact, after Shabbos this week, I plan to go home and emulate the Parsha by handcuffing my bashert to the bed and whipping her with my gartel.
Gartel = A belt (same word as English ‘girdle’, Dutch ‘gordel’); usually the belt that keeps the long silken robe or caftan from flapping open like a flasher mack – a particular problem for Breslovrim at Simchas Toirah (the joyful celebration of the Torah; most other groups do not reach quite the level of ecstasy, and some Chassidishe groups have replaced the caftan with conservative overcoats. You could also use a cord from a dressing gown (no shatnez). If you are inclined towards zestier toys, be advised that whips, quirts, and riding crops may in fact be made from pigskin or even water buffalo hide - the water buffalo (Bubalis Bubalis) is probably not kosher. Authorities are in doubt on this point, due to the difficulty in identifying the beast with animals mentioned in the Tanach. The crucial question is whether the beast qualifies as a chaya (non-domesticated animal) or as a behaima (domesticated animal). Abarbanel calls it a yachmar, but as the yachmar is also identified as being an antelope and a deer, that doesn’t help any, wiseguy!
After Shabbos = Because S&M qualifies as work, and may even involve an issur of borer. When in doubt, consult a rabbi. We will take time from our busy round of cocktail part… , I mean, from davening and lerning at the beis medresh, to posk your shayles.
Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval
