With The Commentary of the RABAM
Eikev = Because of, as a result. Sefer Dvarim, verses 7:12 through 11:25.
Rabboisai, I hope you have been saving up your money, because after this week's parsha, Parsas Eikev, you are probably going to need to spend some quality time with your analyst. That is because in Parshas Eikev, Moishe Rabbeinu reminds Klal Yisroel of all of their misdeeds in the desert: from complaining about desert conditions -- to the Eigel Hazahav, the Golden Calf -- to the Miraglim, the rebellion against the conquest of the Promised Land -- to the refusal to pay brokers' fees for the tent dwellings in the wilderness. The threat, as Moishe states, is that if Klal Yisroel doesn't behave, the Aimishteh will withhold rain from falling.
Complaining about desert conditions = You just finished reading Shmos (Names: Exodus), Vayikra (And he called: Leviticus), and Bamidbar (In the wilderness: Numbers). Bitch, bitch, bitch, from one end of the midbar to the other. But now it’s Moishe’s turn.
Miraglim = The spies who were sent into the land, and reported back unfavourably. In Parshas Shelach (Bamidbar 13:1 through 15:41) Moishe is instructed (by go on, guess who) “Shelach lecha anashim v’yaturu et eretz Kenaan asher Ani notein li Bnei Yisroel” (Send out men to spy the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the sons of Israel). Yet upon returning they state “Eretz ocheles yoshveha hi” (It is a land that devours its inhabitants).
The Yayin Mevushal points out that this Parsha is the basis for the Kabbalistic view of Hakkadoshboruchu and Am Yisroel as being soul mates in an erotic male/ female relationship, with the Aimishteh designated the masculine role. He sophomorically notes that the Parsha clearly equates a long, indulgent build up of the Rebboinoisheloilum's happiness and satisfaction with the occasional liquid emission release from the sky.
Yayin Mevushal = Appellation of a vintner, and reference to the boiling of wine. But note that it is forbidden to drink Goyishe wine, as it may have been used for Avoidah Zoro (odd service – idolatrous rituals), and the Gemoro states that those folks never use cooked wine for their superstitious nonsense. The Rambam equates wine which has the addition of a small amount of honey to Yayin Mevushal, alleging that it, too, is never used in idolatry.
This Rambam, from what does he know? Has he been to any parties lately? He knows what my groisse pervert nextdoorsikehim do on weekends? Damn’ hippie.
Building upon this line of thought, the ARI ZAHL suggests that the male/ female dynamic is actually meant to be a husband/wife relationship. And pointing at this Parsha, he suggests that the frequent threats made by the Aimishteh against Klal Yisroel prove that He is a chronic wife abuser.
In a famous Gemarrah in Soitah, Rav Shayshess asks in the name of Rav Hamnuna in the name of Rav: Why does the Aimishteh always have to threaten Klal Yisroel-- why can't He simply emphasize the positive? Abaya responds that Moishe and the Reboinoisheloilum actually liked to tag team as good guy/ bad guy, based on something they once saw on an old episode of NYPD Blue. He suggests that the real reason Moishe was not allowed into Eretz Yisroel was that Hakkadoshboruchhu preferred to always play the bad guy role and didn't want to take turns.
Gemarrah in Soitah = A supplemental discourse to Sotah, which is the mesechet (tractate) immediately following Nazir in the Bavli. The Sotah is a woman who has strayed. It is full of juicy stuff.
Rav Shayshess = Who disapproves of lashon horo. In Pesachim 118 Rav Shaishes says in the name of Elazar Ben Azariah “whoever gossips should be thrown to the dogs”. It is of course such tattle-taling that gives birth to rumours of infidelity. If you have any doubts about something you heard, come tell me and I will be the judge
.
In the name of = ‘He that says something in the name of the person who originally said it brings redemption to the world’ – Rav Eliezer, quoting Rav Chanina. An utterly self-serving comment! Rabbi Eliezer quotes Chanina, and other shtarke denkers, ad-nauseum. He can’t think of anything original?
Abaya = One of those names you run into in Yeshiva during Talmud. Like Hamnuna, Bar Kappara, Meir, Yehuda, Yada Bar Yada. Keeps popping up. Probably just coincidence.
Abaya, who was nifter in 338 C.E., was head of the academy in Bavel.
However, Rava vehemently disagrees and suggests that Abaya should spend more time learning Toirah and less time watching network television. Rava suggests that Hakkadoshboruchhu feels compelled to remind Klal Yisroel of their wrongdoing because of their damned short memory. They pray for emancipation, yet quickly forget the evils inflicted by the Egyptians prior to the Exodus. They pray for a Bais Hamikdash, but forget how when it stood it was a platform for abuse. They pray for a return of Malchus Bais Dovid, the Davidic monarchy, though forget how it was often a platform for corruption and idol worship.
Rava = The chaver of Abaya, who succeeded him as head of the academy. Date of birth circa 270 C.E., nifter 350.
Rava and Abaya = The Simon and Garfunkel of Talmud, of their time.
Bais Hamikdash = The Temple, which will be rebuilt, which we pray shall happen in our time.
Malchus Bais Dovid = When the Jews wanted a king like other nations, they got this instead. A mixed blessing if ever there was one. Dovid danced scandalously, seduced his general’s womenfolk (Bat Sheva mean anything to you?), and generally misbehaved. If it weren’t for the real-estate, you wouldn’t want your daughter to have anything to do with him.
It is a mark of utter dysfunctionality that we so treasure the memory of this dubious character that we assume that the Moshiach will spring from his blood-line. Still, best royal family we’ve ever had in Israel. No wonder we’re rank egalitarians!
Why did the Jews want a king? According to the Rambam, it is only by the authority of a king that a milchemes mitzva (a holy war), has sanctification. Maybe they wanted to whack a neighboring country? It’s possible. I’m not saying, but it could be. Ver veist?
Bashan comes to mind. Oops. Too late.
Look at your own life, you worthless minuval. You pray for health, yet abuse your body. You pray for rain, then you complain about it. You pray for a loving, kind wife, yet would gladly give up an arm to be mezaneh with your hot shiksa secretary. You pray for peace and unity among all the Jewish People, yet the only people you hate more than Hamas are that guy who sits two rows ahead of you at shul and that bitch two blocks away who wears tight jeans and a shaytl.
Hamas = The Harakat al Mukawammah al Islamiyah – the Islamic resistance movement. An organization which, like the IRA, has a political wing and a military wing, and claims political justification for acts of barbarity which are inspired by misreading of religious texts. This pattern is not entirely unknown to us – we remember the gentle treatment of the inquisition, which was inspired by love.
Please do not call the founders of Hamas pigs, as that would be disrespectful. The pig is ritually unclean and entirely unfit for consumption by Jews. And only for Jews. And pigs are remarkably intelligent. Pigs also make fine companions, and have attractive personalities. Pigs can be domesticated. Nor do pigs attack at random, or show any signs of sadism and brutality.
I am reminded of a maiseh shehoyo. I was recently traveling through the shtetl in Minneapolis, sharing Divrei Toirah for a nominal honorarium of 5000 dollars a speech, plus expenses. That Friday night, I found myself offering a vort at the local Conservative Synagogue. As I stood at the Bimah, I looked down at a congregation filled with women with yarmulkas and women sitting next to men, while behind me sat a female Rabbi and Cantor.
Bimah = The lectern from which the Torah is read in shul. In the same way that in our time the Beis Knesses (house of assembly – Synagogue) stands in for the Beis Ha Mikdash (Holy Temple), the bima (lectern) stands in for the mizba (altar). This implies that each kehilla (community) is in itself an Ir Ha Koidesh (Holy City), and maybe you should aspire to at least a minimum of kedoosha (sanctity), no?
Female Rabbi and Cantor = These are concepts which I refuse to deal with. Female cantor? Karaoke!
Upon my return to the Yeshiva, I mentioned my shock and horror to my rebbe, the NPOJHARTHA, regarding the gross violations of modesty and the reversal of gender roles. He replied that we should not look upon the Conservative Synagogue with contempt; rather, we should view all of its congregants with love, as indeed we are all brothers and sisters, members of the tribe of Klal Yisroel, who standing together, side by side, received the Toirah from the Reboinoisheloilum at Har Sinai and are forever united by that cosmic experience.
Who received the Toirah from the Reboinoisheloilum at Har Sinai = Because all Jewish souls were at Sinai, and all Jews who have ever lived have received Toireh transmitted from Sinai. But there was a mixed multitude there, and indeed we are in our diversity also a mixed multitude. Some of us clearly more than others.
And, in his soft spoken voice, he added that if anything, we should feel pity, since they will all burn in the eternal fires of hell and have their living flesh devoured by maggots and scorpions because of their corruption of the Aimishteh's commandments, while we dance on their graves, doing the hora and the choo choo train conga line, and then dance on the graves of the other Jews who have committed abominations before Hakkadoshboruchhu, including: the Reform, the Conservative, the Chasidim, the ultra left wing, the ultra right wing, people who make more money than me, people who make less money than me, people with hotter wives than mine, people married to meeskeits, Woody Allen, all lawyers, all representatives of Amway, and anyone who reads this Dvar Toirah.
Woody Allen = the nom de guerre of a failed Rabbinical student named Allen Konigsberg, who knows from hot shiksas. By the Goyim, he’s a genius. By us, better he should have married a woman in a sheitel.
My cousin Ruchele is no longer looking for a doctor. She’ll settle.
So the key message of the warning in this Parsha is: though you have the best of intentions, you may as well give up now. Because after 120 years, there will be a limited number of people who get to sit alongside the Aimishteh in His throne. And I have no intention of giving up my seat for you, you minuval.
120 years = The age that Moishe was when he bought the farm. You should live so long.
Ah Gutten Shabbos, you self-hating Jew.
